WatchNon-threaded

Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Message

Toss around ideas and brainstorm your story.

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

Well Im going to write another story, and I hopefully i'll finish it this time, not sure if I have the time, but i'll try I guess? It's inspired by the time travel anime, Steins;Gate, which had me hooked for a long time for the concept of time travel. Basically you're a scientist that time travels using the multiple worlds theory. This isn't based on the destination of the time travel, but more on the act of it and consequences. 

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

So, is it just inspired by it, or is it going to be the same thing?

Because it sounds like the same thing so far lol.

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

Not gonna have same characters from it but concept is the same :P

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

What's the actual plot then?

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

It involves a high school dropout seeing this lecture on disproving time travel, (<3 Steins Gate). Someone in the audience debates the guy giving the lecture and wins. Main character follows said winner of debate and sees go inside her house. He sees some lights and goes to investigate. There's no one inside when he opens the door and there's this machine inside. Shit gets crazy from there.

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

So...

A high school dropout is watching a lecture, like all dropouts do...

Then he follows a woman home...

And enters her home...

And THEN it gets crazy. Seems like a different kind of plot if you ask, me haha.

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

XD

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

GET THAT STUPID FACE OUT OF HERE AMAN!

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

:'(

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

Aman, you modeled the 'stache incorrectly. 

:{( would be correct. 

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

I seen enough porn to.....

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

Well currently, it sounds like a porno, but I'm pretty sure my writing got better than FireBorn at least, 

You grab your phone and put your keys in your lab coat and walk down stairs from your apartment. You live in a typical apartment in the middle of an average city, with the average amount of rapes and murders. You leave your apartment and walk down the street to the high school that the lecture is being held in. The high school is fairly close but due to too many nights experimenting on shit, you aren't in the best physical shape by the time you reach the high school. I mean you aren't fat, but you're skinny as a stick. So by the time you reach the entrance, you sit down panting from exhaustion. There are many other people in lab coats similar to yours that walk by into the high school. A female catches your eye as she walks by. She has long flowing black hair all the way to her shoulders and looks down, while carrying a book. Your eyes make contact and she quickly breaks her sight and walks even faster. Man you sure seem creepy. It could be just plain sexual attraction or something else? You ignore the thought and get up and walk into the high school as well. Most of the people are heading towards a room, which you assume is the lecture. It says, "Disproving the Multiple Worlds Theory and Other Time Travel 'Theories'". Time travel is what made you quit high school to develop your own time machine, or was a it black hole generator? Hell it's been a long time. You walk into classroom and there are many other scientists seated, many much older than you. You see the girl you saw before sitting alone in the corner. There's only one available seat left, and guess what, it's right next to her. You walk up and take a seat right next to her. When you do, she inches away from you, and grips the book she was holding before, tighter than ever. Then a man walks up to the front of the classroom and starts talking

"Hello gentlemen, I am Dr. Polesiki, and I am here to discuss the topic of time travel." He says. "Although the majority of the sane ones believes the idea of time travel is a impossible, there are some of us out there that disagree and I am here to lessen that number." "If any of you out there can debate this idea, come forth now, as I always start my lectures on a debate." He challenges. 

You are about to stand up, but instead, the girl next to you stands up and says in a quiet yet audible voice

"Sir, I disagree with that statement, and I would like to state my theory." She says with her head handing low. 

"Go ahead miss, may I have a name of my opponent in this debate?" Dr. Polesiki asks. 

"I-I am Kallen Sirius, Doctor." She says.

"Ms. Sirius, I would like to start off this by asking you to use any popular time travel theory and defend it." He says with a smile.

"The multiple worlds theory is the one I would like to defend." She sa

"That one? It's absolutely ridiculous........."

He goes on a huge lecture about why it's invalid but Kallen seems to beat him in every single one of his arguments. Eventually the professor seems to give up and his face is blood red from the rage.

"Bah, fuck you, you're an imbecile." He says and marches out of the room. 

Kallen satisfied and walks out of the room as well. The other people in here start muttering to each other and many start leaving as well. You don't know what to say. Her theories and arguments were solid. You have to find out more about this girl. You walk out of the room and see her leaving. You follow her out of the school, keeping out of her sight.

 

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

The writing is great, in my opinion. There are a few small grammar mistakes here and there (mostly missing commas), but you did a great job setting the tone of your story, and Kallen's personality in particular comes across really well.

The only thing that slightly irks me is that Dr. Polesiki seems a bit unrealistic, but he's probably not an important character anyway, so it's fine if he's a bit caricature-like.

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

You grab your phone and put your keys in your lab coat and walk down stairs from your apartment.

Saying "and" twice in a sentence without a comma. Bad.

You live in a typical apartment in the middle of an average city, with the average amount of rapes and murders.

Not helping your case that that this isn't a porno or about a serial killer lol.

You leave your apartment and walk down the street to the high school that the lecture is being held in.

They have lectures in high school? Apart from assemblies I didn't see actual lectures until college.

The high school is fairly close but due to too many nights experimenting on shit, you aren't in the best physical shape by the time you reach the high school.

What in the hell are you experimenting on that would result in you being in bad shape?

I mean you aren't fat, but you're skinny as a stick.

Why are you saying "I"? Author should have no place making comments in a story like this. Next line is fine, but then...

There are many other people in lab coats similar to yours that walk by into the high school.

Why in the hell are these people meeting at a high school? That's sketchy as hell lol.

A female catches your eye as she walks by.

Target acquired.

She has long flowing black hair all the way to her shoulders and looks down, while carrying a book.

What? You describe her, then say she looks down, while carrying a book? What does the act of looking down have to do with carrying a book? Describing her then saying she does an action flows terribly here.

Your eyes make contact and she quickly breaks her sight and walks even faster. Man you sure seem creepy.

Author commenting again, bad. At least you recognize just how creepy this scenario is lol.

Time travel is what made you quit high school to develop your own time machine, or was a it black hole generator?

What? I don't even. Why would time travel, or a black hole generator, make you quit high school? I mean high school isn't even hard.

You walk into classroom and there are many other scientists seated, many much older than you. You see the girl you saw before sitting alone in the corner.

Call me crazy, but I think a bunch of scientist who walk around in lab coats would be swarming all over the lone girl in the room :P

There's only one available seat left, and guess what, it's right next to her.

THE POWER OF PLOT COMPELS YOU!

When you do, she inches away from you, and grips the book she was holding before, tighter than ever.

Just when you thought the main character wasn't creepy, you reaffirm that he is in fact creepy.

He goes on a huge lecture about why it's invalid but Kallen seems to beat him in every single one of his arguments. Eventually the professor seems to give up and his face is blood red from the rage.

Well, if you say so...

Kallen satisfied and walks out of the room as well.

All of my what?

You have to find out more about this girl. You walk out of the room and see her leaving. You follow her out of the school, keeping out of her sight.

God damn this character is creepy, lol.

Anyway, it needs some work. Primarily you need to work on...making your character not so damn creepy, haha. Also got to work on your sentence structure.

Traveler 42; Some Time Travel Story

3 years ago

God I am tempted to turn this into a rape murder story, but ill try and keep my primal instincts and write bout dat time travel stuff.