So first thing first, I trust this isn't finished?
So joking aside, the writing was pretty solid with only a few issues, such as some writing referring to the player character as 'he' / 'me' / 'I' rather than 'you', or at least that was the impression I got.
To be fair, you would likely be able to fix all those by re-reading your work and focusing on flow and consistency, so making sure you refer to the player in a consistent person.
First person - Me/I.
Second person - You.
Third person - They/them
^ Just as brief examples.
The story itself seemed decent, but this was only a few pages so I can't really say more about it other than it was engaging, stuff was happening and you got to the action quickly. Which is good for the early part, to hook the reader in.
Also, that last page was quite interesting, not sure why the
*SPOILER*flashback/character swap/something*/SPOILER*
happened.
I get the feeling it would make more sense if it didn't just end right there, and you might have a great explanation for it, but right now I am not sure what it is.
On that note, keep in mind me knowing EVERYTHING is by no means necessary, just trying to provide feedback on my thoughts while reading.
I feel obligated to mention that there was no choice in the whole thing (so far), which, honestly, is fine. Just make sure to add choices down the track, this is a Choose your story site, if you just want to write a short/long story without choices you could likely find a better site for it.
Overall, I would say this is a great first work, if you manage to keep the same quality going through out the whole thing, that is.
So, I suggest, KEEP WRITING, don't forget to have some branching and do not forget to proof read your work, it is annoying but it makes the final product soooooo much better.
Also, I feel obligated to mention that the use of Onomatopoeia (yay google), it actually seemed to work (in my opinion), which I found surprising as I always thought using it would sound stupid. But you proved me wrong! Congrats.
TL;DR
Keep writing! You are doing good! Also remember to proofread, (and to add choices).
