7/28/2015

1/28/2020 6:57 AM

357

0

0 wins / 1 loss

Architect

Paper's please you say? Uh, sure... (crap, I think this library card might've expired, best not mention that).

Paperwork

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/merlin~3a-origins ~400 words.

Discord User: Zero118#6709

P.S. I hear people like maps. Forgive the lack of mountains and trees.

Recently read the Count of Monte Cristo. Someone could totally right a sequel for it, if anyone needs ideas for a fan-fiction. Jokes aside, I liked it, for even when the main character was more a background force the story remained engaging. In fact, the Count being rather overpowered at times might've been a bit annoying with my 'modern perspective', but he doesn't experience smooth sailing for the entirety of the that time, and the ending was solid, so no real complaints. It was still interesting to notice, but then again, it isn't like people hate highly competent characters. Beside, there was character development in spades (or maybe I just never get that far in my projects). The cast also felt like a strong point to me, and it was fun to see all the characters being utilised and having their arcs resolved (although I did stop reading at one stage, which made me forget some of the names [I did get back on track by the ending though!]). Some parts of the writing style also read nicely to me, which has led to me trying to imitate it in some works, if only partially. Further, as the story spans a longer time period, it is also interesting to see how the writer handled that. In general, seeing how things were handled was pretty interesting (as I am paying more attention to such things now), since while I have spouted the 'read to get better at writing', I haven't exactly put it into practice too much. I just hope that when I get back to trying to write, some of it sticks with me, aha. The chapters being distinct also means that when I look at their names I recall all sorts of things about what happened, which shows the importance of being concise in your writing (as relevant for the story, of course). Perhaps I should try applying that to my forum posts too, but I might wait till I publish a storygame (so I have something else to be recognised by). Also, this one is older, but did you know there is a cannibal in Moby Dick!? I didn't, so that was a fun surprise. I know some people here like some of the phrases that book used, but I'll leave it off here.

I feel some of these sentences are a bit long. Try reading it aloud and tell me if you run out of breath. Other than that, I don't really have any complaints, but nothing has really happened yet. There is room for interesting developments based on what has been mentioned, but until more is written I can't say if it'll be any good. Sci-Fi can be pretty great, and there is a lot of space to explore interesting ideas. Mars vs Earth isn't exactly something revolutionary, but it hardly needs to be, and I don't think criticizing the idea is worthwhile atm, as a lot of things could be explained and expanded upon to make it more interesting as the story continues. I suppose someone could pick apart what is here, but as I feel it wouldn't be the easiest thing to do well, I'll leave that to someone else. One general piece of advice is to keep the scope of what you're writing in mind, since massive-scale sci-fi conflicts can get out of hand a bit more easily than some other story concepts (but honestly, they can all get out of hand, aha). However, to answer your question, sure, I'd like to hear more.

You see, if I were to catch fire later, that'd mean I'd just get kicked for inactivity, so best to wait a bit. Yes... totally not lazy.

Being surrounded by concrete helps, but in the end, there are a lot of burnable things in the suburbs, and even the cities have parks. At any rate, smelling smoke in the city and seeing more people with the half-mask things was what made it the most real (although some of the pictures are also pretty striking). Haven't heard a doomsday announcement from a helicopter yet either, so I'm still hopeful, even if the damage is undoubtedly pretty bad. Maybe it'll lead to people taking firefighting more seriously in the future.

A common writing mistake is not doing dialogue punctuation correctly. There is actually a site article about it now, so reading it is worthwhile (even if just to confirm you are doing it right, if you already are).

Dialogue Punctuation article link.

Other than that, when writing branching narratives, things tend to get out of hand rather easily, which means starting small is generally encouraged (if you lack prior experience). Otherwise, just be mindful of the scope if you do go for an epic right away (but be warned that this is generally unsuccessful).

For the site, you just want to keep in mind that only finished works should be published. If you want to share unfinished stuff you can set the storygame to sneak preview, which will allow people to access it without it being published. Good way to get feedback.

Other than that, if you annoy someone they'll likely let you know, so just learn from it and you should be fine. That is, of course, assuming you don't do something extra stupid that warrants an immediate ban, but judging by this post of yours, I am hopeful that you won't (so this last part shouldn't be too much of a concern for you).

Regardless, welcome back from the dead. Enjoy what time you've got now.

Works for me. The text (password as it is being entered and correct/incorrect password) does get moved around by resizing the window. The text can still be read, so I doubt it matters, but figured I'd mention it. Worked on Chrome and Edge, Windows. I imagine if there will be issues it'll be with phones, but we'll see I guess. P.S. Can't enter more than five letters, assuming that is by design, but did notice you can enter a password of less than five, so still gonna mention it.

It is worth keeping in mind that branching narratives can get out of hand a lot more easily than linear stories, so being aware of the scope of what you're writing can be extra useful. Also, don't be afraid to cut down on things if the story starts becoming unwieldy. Planning things out might be helpful.

However, I don't really want to tell you how to write, because there are many ways that work, and you just want to find what's best for you. With that said, if you haven't written much before, don't be afraid to experiment and try different things.

How to Write

Other than that, dialogue punctuation is something many people get wrong, so brushing up on it is a good idea (even if you think you do it right, because the rules aren't the most obvious thing). Here is a site article on it: Dialogue Punctuation.

Actually, there are a few articles under the Help & Info section which deal with the actual writing, so looking through them might be beneficial.

Asking for feedback on writing in the Writing Workshop or Creative Corner is a good idea as well (they're for different things, depends on what you're posting).

Reading

Another piece of general advice is to read. Reading stories on the site is a good way to get a feel for the expected quality. Reading linear books by professionals is also good, and pay attention to the writing when you do, as most published books have editors (I assume) so they are punctuated and written correctly. Or don't pay attention, learning through osmosis should still work!

Site

Main things regarding the site are that:

• Stories split into parts are generally frowned upon, demos especially so, so know that publishing is for finished works! Sneak preview can let people see unfinished works. (Though do note multi-part stories can exist, however each part should be capable of standing on its own).
• This ties in with the previous point, but some writing sites encourage users to publish piece by piece (i.e. chapter by chapter). That is not the case here.
• This may be 'just a forum', but taking care to capitlise your i's and names is worth doing, because it is a writing forum (you're good on this front though).

Also, consider backing up your work, as it is good practice. (I think it might have gotten fixed, but the editor was capable of timing out, which means work could be lost. You could mostly avoid this by saving to clipboard [copying] whatever you had written before hitting save).

Conclusion

I'll stop there because I think I mentioned enough things. Other people can fill in any gaps for things I missed. If there is anything that isn't clear just ask and I should be able to explain it better.

Other than that, welcome!

Just gonna put some general things, but you definitely seem to be going well, which is nice to see.

Technicalities

The writing looks pretty good to me, so I'll just mention the things that stood out to me (thought some might just be style differences):

• “Sorry, I think we’re in front of the wrong building, but the right one isn’t far on foot – follow me – now ..is it ..okay, I think it’s to the west, just this way..” | Ellipses are supposed to be three dots, but all these are two. You used three earlier, too, so I'll go with this being an oversight?
• ("A lot of distinguished lecturers host their conferences here," Sara explained. "It's designed to appear very welcoming.") | Having dialogue inside parenthesis is interesting to me, but as I generally avoid them in fiction writing, I can't comment on if the usage is correct or not (but I can say that it isn't annoying me, as their usage is sometimes prone to do).

Story

Mirror, Mirror, what does the Notebook say?

Does our protagonist have a phone on him? He should totally take a photo of the creepy notebook and transform it in whatever way is necessary. Crystal does have a phone, so if being seen with something that isn't yours isn't weird, could even ask to borrow hers. Anyway, figured I'd mention this, because I find phones to be pretty useful and that their functionality is sometimes overlooked in written works (too early to tell here though, and lets not forget reasons can be given for their minimal usage).

Also dammit! I went to the washroom, there is a mirror there (probably)! Seems I'm more interested in this book than the protagonist, but we'll see if his attitude changes when the looping begins...

Speaking of the looping, it seems to be handled well, in that it is interesting so far. Greying out duplicate text is a great idea too, so I commend you for that, but it does make me worry you'll use it later on with new text as some sort of meta breaking device (but hey, I shouldn't worry... not yet at least).

Ratburn

Just wanted to say that this is an interesting name.

Go Back

I hit the back button a few times, nothing seemed to break, figured I'd mention it. Everything else seemed to work as well, but I didn't test every possibility (although doing that can be a poor way to test, depending on how many combinations exist, especially for looping games).

Passcode

Would using the extension make this easier to hack? As brute-forcing seems like a waste of time...

That aside, I'd not mention that it is a five digit passcode, just so that it is more secure (although depending on how it is coded, mentioning it or not might not matter).

Conclusion

The main thing would be having more to read, as nothing really happened yet... you know, barring introductions and the beginning of the looping. What is there has a good pace to it, and while it seems to be on the linear side it is handled in a way that keeps it engaging (as there are still choices, but how impactful they are I cannot say, considering you're using variables).

What I'm trying to say is, keep writing, you're doing good. How good the final story will be, however, depends on how it all fits together, which I can't really comment on, but I can say that at the very least you can end up with a well-written story, assuming the writing quality doesn't nosedive.

Peeps who are put off by the length shouldn't worry, what can be reached isn't that long (unless I missed some path, which is possible), so you should also give some feedback.

You pasting from Word? I'd advise turning off smart quotations (or whatever the bent ones are called) as I recall having trouble with that. However, for spaces, I find that I am losing space rather than gaining it, in regards to the paragraph breaks, so it might not be Word...