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Heyyyyy

4 years ago

Hey! So I started a new storygame and I wnat some input on the first page in case you see anything wrong. I'm sharing this early so you can catch errors that I can be sure I don't make again. I'm sorry if my grammr sucks on this first part- I'm kind of typed out right now. (...what?)

Anyway, the page.

She didn't really remember the day when she was taken. Or... saved. She didn't really know at this point- it had been seven years ago. She had only been six at the time.

Her father had stalked around the house. She couldn't tell if he was just pacing or... chasing something? Occasionally he would bark a few words at a wall, fury in his eyes, other times her would lay on the couch, squirming and kicking. Through most of it she had been huddled in her room, holding onto her little back tuxedo kitten. A few hours in, when her father lay panting on the couch with her sitting on a chair, a knock sounded on the door. She walked to it and tried to see through the peephole. But of course she couldn't, she was six. Tall for her age, she still could not see.

So, of course, she opened it a bit. Her scared blue eyes peered up into the face of a tall man with brown hair, sunglasses, and a suit. He had smiled charmingly and crouched down. "Hello, Lilyanne. I'm here to take you on a little trip, all right?" She had glanced back at her father who looked asleep and then stepped out the door, curiosity in her eyes. "Where are we going? Is Daddy coming?" The man had looked at her pittyingly. "Daddy's not coming with us today." He had said, and they had left, going out the door.

Heyyyyy

4 years ago
>She didn't really remember the day when she was taken. *proceeds to describe exactly what happened the day she was taken* Might want to reconsider that first sentence, but it's a pretty decent start. I'm curious enough about the motives of the person who took her that I would click to the next page, since he's pretty clearly not a social worker or anything so there must be more going on there. An important part of pacing that a lot of new writers miss is the necessity to have the story provide questions or mysteries like that as it goes that will make people want to keep reading to find out more. Grammar and etc seems fine, just check the links on my profile to straighten yourself out on dialogue punctuation before you go any further. Oh, and it's 'pityingly'.

Heyyyyy

4 years ago

Thanks XD