Player Comments on A Chosen Hero
I have mixed feelings about this story. You've got a good plot set in a well-developed world with plenty of exposition and a nice cast of characters. There are plenty of fantasy tropes included in the mix - a Chosen Hero, a princess, fighting against assassins, civil war - all of which are reminiscent of medieval fantasy and very enjoyable to read about.
That's where it ends, however, because there are simply so many flaws with this story. I wish this wasn't the case, but there's just so much squandered potential which prevents this from being something better.
Grammar and writing style are the top of the list. What on earth is with that first page?
Your first page needs to grab the reader's attention and hook them into the story. What is this? Three lines of bad grammar which tells us nothing? Fragmented sentences and typos? I mean...why?
The story's really not that bad at all, but that first page just gave me such a bad first impression before it even started. I actually think that the first page should be removed, if not completely rewritten. It just lowers the reader's hopes drastically. (Unless they have some really, really low standards for stories.)
Okay, after that first page (which is repeated in your story description, and isn't any better), we have the actual story. There's still tons of grammar mistakes everywhere, and it really needs to be cleaned up if you want a higher rating.
For the most part, however, it's alright. It didn't blow me away or anything, but it's okay. I liked the world you set up. It felt pretty generic, but the Holy Order was interesting and it's always nice to read about fantasy settings with a religious aspect involved.
I wasn't really impressed by the Man. I guess he's implied to be the Creator, but he's introduced as this guy who wants to meet you and the Princess in some...cabin. Alone. Some guy you've met before when you were a kid. Sure, we met God in a cabin. I get that he has some "mortal disguise" or something, but it could have been presented better.
Now, I know a few people have criticised the linearity of this story. Yes, it's linear. Yes, there's practically only one set path, and you can't even kiss someone without dooming yourself to fail. You can't refuse to rescue the princess, and every wrong choice results in death. Hell, you can even die in training.
However, I can see that you do have a lot of content, even on this fixed path, and I appreciate that there were time constraints. Maybe you had more planned for the other paths (especially if you chose the Curse, it would have been a really interesting route to see) and you just weren't able to implement it before the deadline. It would definitely improve the story however.
I have a minor complaint about the optional backgrounds - such as "New Friends", meeting Raven, etc. These are optional, right? The reader doesn't have to click on them. They're just for exposition purposes.
...except that the reader DOES have to click on them, and they have to do so in the right order, or nothing will make sense.
If I click them out of order, Raven is mentioned out of the blue and I have no idea who she is. If I click the last option too early, then my character suddenly knows what triggers the Blessing to activate, even though he shouldn't.
Why are we introducing Raven in an optional choice, even though she's an active character in the rest of the story? These are links for background and exposition. Not for introducing a new character!
Okay, the fight scenes. I thought that they were well done. A little drawn-out sometimes, but I liked reading them, and I can see that you put a lot of work and description into them.
Somehow, I didn't get the feeling that my character was a very good fighter. Maybe it's the linearity of the story, like how choosing to defend yourself will actually kill you, but it felt like he sucked. He kept on relying on his Blessing.
Wouldn't it be nice if I could win through my own strength and combat prowess alone? Through my own skill and training? Half the time I'm just relying on the almighty Blessing.
I liked the characters but they seemed rather lacking at times and received little development (aside from Alessa). I liked Ashyr for some reason and wish that he could have been expanded upon.
In the end, the story felt a little unfinished. We survive and get to see the Man, and everything ends on a cliffhanger. It's rather unsatisfying, especially for a medieval fantasy setting, but it's better than nothing.
Overall, I did enjoy the story, despite its many glaring flaws. It was the plot and setting that kept me reading, but the writing itself is sloppy and needs a lot of improvement. Having more than one path, as well as fewer deaths, would definitely boost your rating. Even if all you do is add a separate plotline for the Curse route, it would make a huge difference.
on 10/13/2017 7:51:56 AM
The writing was good, but there were some mistakes. However they didn't end up detracting from the experience (for me at least).
From what I found this seems to be pretty linear, but the 'non standard game overs' are still proper pages, glimpses into what if scenarios, if you will.
There was also a lot of writing, the world seems to be pretty rich and the characters seemed to be pretty unique. It didn't feel like they were just there to advance the plot.
Honestly, this is one of the better stories out there. I encourage you to give it a read, just don't expect massive branching paths.
With that said, I'm hoping for more from this author, this storygames proves they can write well, and the more they write the better it'll become.
I also rather liked some of the universe lore (this is what I'm calling it), it seemed pretty well thought out.
A storygame that is not very heavy on the choosing part, but is still definitely worth the read.
on 10/11/2017 5:03:35 AM
Nice, but I wish the Kiss Raven ending continued and not let us die
on 3/3/2018 3:54:41 PM
It was good but had a very linear plot line and a fair amount of grammar error. I felt like any wrong choice lead to death. However, it had a very interesting plot if you chose the right path.
-- Human on 2/24/2018 10:17:58 PM
This was awesome!! I was constantly on the edge of my seat, wondering if I was going to die, and I did, twice. But it was awesome nonetheless.
on 2/14/2018 2:53:45 PM
Amazing. I wish it was longer but still... simply amazing. I have written many short stories myself (for awards and stuff like that), and your writing impresses me. Fantastic.
-- RandomRedHead on 1/9/2018 12:54:15 PM
My heart breaks for Alessa. It's a shame that she died. Well, this was fun - aside from my heart being torn into pieces, RIP Alessa - while it lasted. Keep it up.
-- Blah on 12/29/2017 6:28:38 AM
I liked it....feels like it is in dire need of a sequel, really dire. But it was entertaining and other than my previous comment about the impossibility of a blow to the nose being lethal there didn't seem to be any flaws at all in this story. Well done....But once again, points off for the nose thing.
on 12/27/2017 5:59:21 AM
In the duel with Ashyr, defence over offence option. You can't kill someone by hitting them in the nose, the nose is made of cartilage which does not have enough tensile strength to fracture through the skull into the brain, this is a myth. Even if your brain was made entirely out of bone the pieces would not be nearly long enough to penetrate the cranium. This is an anatomical impossibility and there is no way you could die from a blow to nose in this manner. Minus points for inaccuracy.
-- Reaver17 on 12/27/2017 4:50:47 AM
Damn, this was good
on 11/30/2017 8:21:13 PM
Loved this! it was great. Died like 100 times but after many times i managed to end the game without dying! Thanks so much for making this story. I enjoyed it very much!( I gave it an 8)
-- Sofia on 11/26/2017 9:42:16 PM
hahaha... you have no idea about what is like to be cursed. You think life would end so easily for one who is cursed? If one dies young I would say that person is blessed. Live through life with all your loved ones dead and a hopeless life with no future. Maybe then you'll know how it is to grow old as a cursed old man. ;)
-- cursed on 11/18/2017 3:32:58 AM
awessome....i hope it could have been longer....try and make a sequel
on 11/10/2017 10:51:22 AM
That was such a good story! I really hope there's a sequel to the story, and if there is, maybe some new powers, such as a "The Weapon"(for offense) and "The Wall" (for defense)?
-- Sean on 10/18/2017 4:34:44 PM
Also, just read through the Cursed.....branch. Even though the deadline is over you could still unpublish the story and expand on it if you want.
The Cursed branch could lead to an interesting storyline, for example. The Holy Order tries to have the character executed and the father saves him, taking him out into the wilderness. Then maybe he trains the character to survive being hunted by the Holy Order and the Kingdom. It could be a nice story about a father and son coming to grips with horrible circumstances set outside their control. Just a thought but do whatever you please with the story.
on 10/15/2017 6:11:37 PM
Pretty good length, too linear though.
on 10/15/2017 6:02:23 PM
Very good story!
on 10/15/2017 1:58:32 AM
The story kept me hooked to the end, but it's way too linear to be called a CYOA, and the ending is a terrible cliffhanger, leaving so many questions unanswered and so many possibilities unexplored, especially with Alessa. I understand that this is probably due to the time constraints of the contest, but that's not a good enough excuse in my opinion. I was also led to believe that our power was defensive, so I tried playing defensively in my first battle. 4/8
on 10/11/2017 12:46:04 AM
it was good but I wish the main carector and the girl kissed
-- Ashton on 9/21/2017 4:58:40 PM
Mannnn... I want moarrr Come on... Dont leave us like this....
on 9/18/2017 9:39:07 PM
Very well-written story, from start to finish. However I was slightly bummed that the story was too linear: there was only one path that readers could take. Perhaps add a story path for the curse, or allow more romance options? Overall still good.
-- Jyong on 9/18/2017 7:18:49 PM
Love it! Highly recommended
on 9/16/2017 12:07:07 PM