ninjapitka, The Reader
Favorite books/series/authors include:
The Sword of Truth
Darth Bane: Path of Destruction
The best cure for writer's block is whiskey... And if that doesn't work, try whiskey.
Recent PostsRandom Eternal Theory on 10/16/2018 5:36:40 PM
I was wondering the same thing until I noticed my webcam light came on by itself every night since joining this site.
Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing on 10/5/2018 5:59:32 PM
Your sister was asking after you.
Don't Hurt Me Again on 10/2/2018 2:47:19 PM
Ah, makes sense. I was thinking whatever non-human entity she was caused her not to age.
Don't Hurt Me Again on 10/1/2018 7:12:56 PM
Your ability to draw me into the setting was extremely well done. I'm unsure exactly what creature the main character is (my initial thought was werewolf). If it's an undead-type, the beginning is an excellent fit: "She got used to the cold long ago".
Despite the main character's attempt to live a normal life, I love seeing the internal struggle and character flaws that are quite evident. Nothing warms the heart quite like an anti-hero. It was interesting to see how quickly my perceptions of the main character changed. First, it was pity due to the grave visit, poverty, and horrible living conditions. Then she's seemingly unjustifiably bitter towards her daughter. However, we don't know too much about her daughter from this excerpt. Maybe it is justified.
There was one part I think could flow better. Specifically, this section (I had to re-read it before I understood she was continuously talking): You unlock the door and step inside. “I’m home,” you say. No one replies, as always. She never gets here after school ends. At the earliest, she arrives at evening. “Lazy and unappreciative.” You lock the door behind you. “She could at least dust the place."
Admittedly, my own grammar skills aren't great. On a scale of lordkarstark to a German newspaper editor in 1939, I fall in the middle, but I think the punctuation (or spacing) is the issue.
The amount of suspense you created here is wonderful. There are tons of things I want to know about the main character, her daughter, who the monster is, what happened to their father, etc. I think you did an exceptional job giving the reader a "flashlight under the blanket" experience and I would gladly stay up late (against mommy's wishes) to read more.
To answer your initial question: Looks great.
Fireplace on 9/24/2018 6:09:35 PM
I love the beginning imagery. Something that stuck out to me was the ‘strong wood’ opposed to the ‘furious, zealous wind’. The wood (from the cottage & tree) seems to symbolize the strength of the love between the man and woman. Outside factors (such as the war) attack their relationship "but the wood is strong”.
I also really enjoyed your use of contrast. You can imagine the innocent, playful nature of children getting into mischief with no real consequence. Now that they are grown-up, the laughter is replaced with loathing and the consequences are quite deadly.
The build-up and use of repetition to reach the line “And most of all, she misses him” was superb. Well done.
The internal struggle is relatable to a lesser degree. We've all had the experience when something isn’t going according to plan and we start to imagine every awful possibility coming true. I think this is part of why I found the story enthralling. It was very easy to put yourself in their (snow)shoes.
I was captivated by the story because of the “Oh shit!” reaction it caused. The devastation hits even harder since you can see everything would have worked out if the characters didn’t do a certain action. Like mizal mentioned, they both probably would have died in the avalanche. A reunion to die together would make a happier ending (Star Wars: Rogue One), so I’m glad that didn’t happen. The heartfelt, somber mood and weather symbolism fit the story exceptionally well. The moment she pulled out the letter, I knew I’d have to break out the Kleenex box, get the ice cream, and throw on the Snuggie.
A few lines that you might want to revisit:
"The writing is hard to read due to all the tears that have wet it in the past, but she remembers it well"
– tear-stains seem a bit cliché to me
"So he does what any smart man would do, turns and starts running.
But soon after he hears a voice calling him, clearly terrified. Her voice! He turns once more and, without thinking, runs right into the avalanche, trying to save her when he can’t even save himself"
– The use of ‘turns’ stuck out. Maybe you used it multiple times to emphasize the several switch in directions. Maybe there’s a better word to use. Maybe you like it and if so, don’t change it on my account!
War on 9/20/2018 7:57:54 PM
No arguments here about Zake. Though, I think the amount of effort put into my critique is justified. If someone's going to post 100 words of pure main premise contradiction, then they probably aren't going to read an in-depth critique.
I don't actually remember seeing the recent short stories. Being a new member, most of my attention is focused on that Endmaster dick dive, so been re-reading the different paths on Eternal.
War on 9/20/2018 6:18:36 PM
The first two lines draws the image of an old, battle-scarred vet at Arlington getting questioned by a grandson (or any other small child). Was that the intended image?
I agree with the first comment. The beginning question and answer don't flow well together. I think it comes down to the use of "describe". Maybe start out with the question: "What is war?" or "What is it like to be in war?".
Ultimately, the flow (if it had any) is ruined by the main character answering that war is indescribable and then vividly describes it.
Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing on 9/19/2018 7:09:25 PM
I was going to use another Karstark insult, but I'm actually afraid of getting banned. Lol.
Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing on 9/19/2018 6:41:47 PM
Do your worst, knife ears.
User of a Username: Inspiration on 9/18/2018 6:49:37 PM
Did you choose your avatar to match the D&D character as well?