NoviceChessPlayer, The Reader

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I'm a Novice Writer. Criticism needed on 5/15/2017 7:07:25 PM

This is a simple short story that I wrote for fun. I would love some feed back so I can improve my writing skills. Don't be afraid to give me your honest opinion. Thank you

“Hey Simon get your butt over here!” Eli yells

“Shut up Eli! Just because you 50th birthday is next week doesn’t mean you can’t change a flipping tire!” replies Simon

“I swear you Yankees have no respect! I said get over here or you’ll be walking back to the station!” shouts Eli in frustrated anger


Simon was wandering next to the road looking out in the forest, when he was reflecting why his wife wanted to move to this god forsaken town when they were perfectly happy with their small condo. “We could see central park from their bedroom, what more could she want!” said Simon in his thoughts. “It’s too bad she didn’t tell me sooner, I probably wouldn’t have marriage her…uh” Simon says feeling melancholy.


“Hold your horses Eli, I’m taking a piss!” says Simon

“We both know your to civilized for that.” Says Eli sounding amused at his clever remark

“Whatever you say old man” Simon says pretending to zip his zipper

“Speaking of horses, Bart said he saw something lurking around his farm last night, I said I’d check it out today” Eli says now looking over the car to see Simon “That means the sooner you stop playing with yourself the sooner we can give old ladies tickets for going under the speed limit!”

“Yea Yea Yea… whatever you say, now let me see what the damage is…” Simon walks over to the driver side tire “WHAT! You haven’t even taken off the bolts!”


After more heated arguments and angry old ladies they make their way to Bart’s place. They arrive being greeted to what looked like a junk yard except nothing was broken just… rusted.


“This is what you call a farm?!” says Simon.

“What were you expecting? Nature Valley Ranch? Were you expecting paradise city, boy?” said Eli walking up to the rusty red gate.

“Not really it’s just… ah whatever.” Simon not sure what to say decides to change the subject “Hey you think he’s home”

“He’s either here or at the bar” Eli says realizing Simon is still on his phone in the car. “Well we’ll never find out if you don’t GET OUT of the car!!!” Eli shouts at Simon’s incompetence while looking like a grumpy old man stereotype.

“Okay I’m coming…jeez you don’t have to yell at me” says Simon getting out of the car quickly


Eli opens the gate and Simon trailing behind. They start walking though the yard when Simon begins looking around noticing an assortment of things ranging from radios, kitchen supplies, and power tools which all look like As Seen On TV products from the 80s.


“Where does this man get his stuff!” Simon says

“Back in the 80s he won the lottery and went on a spending spree buying beer and useless stuff for his wife before she died.”

“What did she die from.” asks Simon

“Tetanus from a rusty nail.”  Eli says nonchalantly as if what he said held no weight in the air


They stood there waiting for each other to say something. After a few seconds of silence Simon giggles and Eli follows by blurting out in laughter. Bart opens the door to see what was going on which he was greeted with Eli and Simon making funny faces and flaunting symptoms of Tetanus with their bodies. Bart realized what they were doing after Bart blurts out laughing hysterically “She was never the brightest! Hahaha” Bart gets infuriated and goes inside to fetch his shotgun.


“HEY! You knuckle dragging, mouth breathing neck beards!!!” Bart yells at the top of his lungs

“Oh crap, run!!!” Simon shouts equally as hard trying to get Eli’s attention who was enjoying himself too much, making fun of Bart’s dead wife.

“Get in the Squad car!” says Simon already in the driver’s seat who begins getting dirty looks from Eli who notices Simon taking advantage of the situation but doesn’t argue given their under fire!

Simon starts the car and realizes it’s a stick shift. “Crap!” Simon says


“What is it!” says Eli

“I don’t know how to drive a stick!” Simon looking genuinely scared realizing he made a big mistake.

“Just Floor it!”


After a messy getaway and a broken head light, Eli calls his wife. “Hey honey bunches of oats how’s the love of my life doing.” Eli says with love


“Ewww Yuck!” Simon says making Eli look genuinely surprised at his ironic remark.

“What! Why is Suzy at our house?!” Eli says to his wife

“What is my wife doing at your house!? Says Simon being the one who’s more surprised than anyone

“You invited her for dinner! Eli says


Simon drives to Eli’s house already feeling the dread of the odd situation with his new partner. When they arrive Simon gets out of the car and looks at the house which was built 80’, however, due to the run down condition and the faded paint Simon comes to a different conclusion, “I like your house, it must have been built in the 30’s maybe 20’s.? Eli turns around looking offended, “The 80’s numb buts.” Simon scratches his head not sure if he was serious or not. They make their way inside and see an assortment of foods on the kitchen table. After what felt like an eternity to Simon. Eli and Him make their way to the basement which looked relatively new compared to the rest of the house. Simon was looking around when someone sneaked up on him nearly frightened Simon to death.


“Milo, what did I say about scaring the guests!” said Eli

“Sowy dad. I just like scare and me so Happy! Said Milo

“Is he ok?” asked Simon

“What do you mean?” replied Eli

“Um… oh nothing.” Simon looking a bit puzzled

“Hey Milo how about you show Simon where your toy room is while I setup the poole table” Eli says with a big smile

“Oh! Dady does that mean I get new toy!” Milo looking over joyed

“Shhhh… just like last time Milo. Ok?” Eli says reassuringly “Now go play”

“Hey Simon! Follow me!” Milo says

“Ummm ok?” Simon looking concerned


Milo runs off to his “playroom” and Simon straggles behind. He walks down a hallway and hears Milo in one of the rooms. Simon goes over to the door way and gets hit on the head by milo knocking him out…Bang! Simon wakes up with a throbbing head ache and a huge light hovering over his head. Simon try’s to move but is strapped to a medical bed with a gag in his mouth making him unable to yell for help. He looks around the room in terror when he notices his wife also strapped to a table across the room. The door opens and Simon sees Milo and Eli looking at him.


“I love you daddy!” milo says with a happy look on his face “Can I play now! Please Please Please Daddy!”

“Remember what happened last time Milo?

“Yes, Daddy. I be careful this time.” 


The End