Player Comments on Adventures in Hollywood
Honestly, I wasn’t a big fan of the first page. I realize that page may not be a big deal, but for me it really sets the tone of the entire story. On that page it starts out putting me in the starring role of the story. That immediately sets me up and gets my mind focused on me being “you” in the story. The second line supports that idea. But then the third line just throws me for a loop because the first “you” is the me in the story, but the second “you” jumps out to refer to ME outside the story, giving me directions on how to navigate the links on the page. Suddenly I’m back out of the story, and I think one link it going to take me back in, while the other will continue along somewhere else. If you want to have some “out of story” information like a character sheet, I’d suggest you do all that first, before the story even starts. That way when you’re in the story, you stay immersed in the story itself.
The next page gets confusing, too, because it mentions that I walk back and forth to the curb three times. Why did I do that? Am I drunk? I wonder if you could shift that around so the walking back and forth is part of the thoughts that I have as I remember things my dad told me. I like the idea of the options and different directions for the story here, just the presentation was a bit confusing, at least at first. That continues if I visit places out of order. For example, if I go to Simon’s office first, after they throw me out I get a link for Room 17. I have no idea why I would go there because I don’t know what is room 17. I guess I was supposed to go to the Lillypad first, but if I don’t, well, the link shows up anyway.
I like the ideas here. The story, to me, has a good deal of potential. I just think it could be more detailed and more interesting in a number of different ways. The character could develop more based on choices (yes, I realize that can be difficult). The choices could have a greater effect on the overall story. And as others have mentioned, this is quite a bit short when there are so many different, other directions the story could expand into! Good luck on further writing!
on 4/27/2018 4:59:35 PM with a score of 0
The character bio includes this little nugget:
"Your father, Thomas, was a bank teller ... Your dad helped a lot by using his connections to get you some helpful services."
Really? Those entry-level bank positions that on the verge of getting replaced by ATMs have a lot of Hollywood connections, do they?
Next time I deposit a check, and the teller asks if there is anything else they can help me with, I'll say sure, I'd like a part in the next Scorsese flick.
on 12/6/2019 5:51:47 PM with a score of 0
It's a good story I just wish there was a couple more options for some of them and ending when you do something wrong.
-- Lily on 4/27/2019 11:53:57 AM with a score of 0
The story is rather short, other than that it was pretty good.
on 10/3/2018 5:33:41 PM with a score of 0
This was fun
on 6/5/2018 8:07:06 AM with a score of 0
Possible bug: Room 17 shows up before you go to the Lily Pad, if the first place you go is the talent agent (my experience)
For the choice of song, there should have been some kind of description of the songs, all there was were the title. I know the protagonist didn't know the songs but I think it would have been better if she just asked to hear them before deciding, or something.
It's short and simple but I guess it was good for what it is.
on 5/12/2018 4:16:46 AM with a score of 0
I see you love Fallout Boy. That was probably the climax of the story for me....
Not because I love Fallout boy, But because of the personal flair you added. You need more of that, Add more you to the story.
on 5/2/2018 9:13:58 AM with a score of 0
Wow, that ended pretty quickly. The writing style is excellent but it really needs to be longer. 4/8
on 4/17/2018 10:26:53 AM with a score of 0
Too short. There were a couple of options (Like randomly dying from a burger) that don't belong in the game at all.
on 4/16/2018 2:19:59 PM with a score of 0
The actual writing is fine in the technical sense but the story itself was just kind of...well, not a lot happened, and it was very short.
I'd have rather seen the main character actually established within the story itself rather than in a side page with things like height and age and a paragraph of background info. (Although that last bit left me pretty curious about her father who must be insanely well connected if he's getting her into hotels and restaurants for free in Hollywood itself, and I can only assume he had something to do with how quickly she was able to land an acting gig...pretty sure the typical experience of small town nobodies trying to make it big is a bit more difficult!)
Still, nothing wrong with a fun, simple story and for a first time effort it's not bad, I just feel like a lot of opportunities were missed to give the protagonist more personality, or to make the events of it more involving. Right now the biggest challenge to overcome is getting a stain on your shirt.
on 4/8/2018 10:52:20 AM with a score of 0
Honestly I would not be reviewing this story if it weren't for Mizal. Your potential really shines with this, I can definitely tell you have some skills. I don't think I can say anything that hasn't been said already except that it didn't really seem like you put your heart into this. I can tell you're a good writer, but you definitely for sure need to add a better pacing because the story itself didn't entertain me except to show me that you'll be an excellent writer someday. It didn't seem like this was your baby. You're a good writer though so I hope to read more from you on this site.
on 4/6/2018 11:13:59 PM with a score of 0
As Ebon said, it would've done better if it was longer. Some of the choices also seemed random; however the writing was fine.
on 4/5/2018 2:28:23 PM with a score of 0
I’m rating this a four, for the sole fact that it has potential. The writing was very brief, but it wasn’t bad.
It just needs...more. There isn’t very much here, but if expanded on significantly, I could see this being a pretty solid story.
on 4/5/2018 10:49:51 AM with a score of 0
This is OK.. really.
The characters and the grammar is just fine. It's just WAY too short. Also, some "bad endings" are just way uncalled for and a little. There should be some hint or something like that. Anyways, decent game. But I wouldn't play it twice. 4/8
on 4/5/2018 8:34:27 AM with a score of 0