Player Comments on Rat Story
This story has a nice setup and introduction. I like the expository page because that really provides some background that might be hard to get into a regular story. However, that would not be impossible – you could have taken that entire page and worked it into likely dozens of pages of the story that would reveal all that information without having to tell it to the reader. If you’re trying to keep the story very short, something like what you have provided would be critical. But, if you want to make a longer, more thoroughly engaging story, I’d love to see what could be done with that exposition as part of the story. If you’d imagine that couldn’t be done, I’d point you to something like Lord of the Rings. In that story, there could have been a great deal of exposition and explanation to help setup the land and the story. However, it wasn’t done that way, the exposition was done throughout the story as part of the story.
I did notice this style really continued in the next page. The story is really factual, sort of just saying one fact after another. As another reviewer mentioned, this is really the classic “tell” version of writing. While this can work, it can become cumbersome after a while. The reader doesn’t really get into the story, they’re just reading, like they are reading a history book. It can be much more effective if you can find ways to show the reader what’s happening, rather than just tell them. For example, with the two who consumed the ratweed and didn’t transform, you could write an entire scene where a number of the rats go out into a field and start eating the ratweed. I don’t know, maybe there’s a whole ceremony and celebration and selection process or something. Then you could describe how some of the rats changed instantly, while the other two didn’t change.
Overall it’s a nice attempt at a story and it has great potential. The idea and the story are good. The setting is creative and useful. A few major edits and changes and you could really have a very powerful story here. Thanks for sharing with the site!
on 6/29/2018 12:43:17 PM with a score of 0
This story has a decent plot, but it's told in the "tell" way instead of the "show" way, which isn't good if you plan to keep me reading. Some of the paths were quite short, so that was a bit disappointing. Also, the paragraph spacing needs to be smaller. Hit enter only once please, unless you're changing time, but in that case, making a new page would keep it less confusing.
Overall it was a good story, badly told. The names are warriorcat-like, and on CYS warriorcats is looked down upon, due to the past wars and the simplicity and child-like feel of the names.
The paragraphs also weren't well divided, at least, regarding the way you told it.
Still, it's a hooking plot, and I like the original idea of ratmen from large rats plus mutated plant.
on 12/3/2016 4:53:15 PM with a score of 0
Sometimes quite repetitive. You really need to work on the names of your characters. Very interesting ideas, original up to the end battles, which were generally cliche. I'm sure you can advance further as a writer and when you do I look forward to reading your stories.
on 6/12/2014 10:41:58 PM with a score of 0
Quite short but other than that, enjoyable and unique
on 4/24/2019 6:21:46 PM with a score of 0
A nice little story. Although it felt boring at times.
on 8/9/2014 8:00:21 AM with a score of 0
Ok so this was boring I try not to be harsh but its ugh ugly. And for tha reason I give you a -1
on 7/10/2014 5:10:22 PM with a score of 0
I'm not sure if I have got dug into the story. I don't understand the concept and overall the story isn't very good. So it's a 3 from me.
on 6/13/2014 12:40:13 PM with a score of 0
@Ford, nobody can vote more than once. And my other account doesn't have enough "voting power" to matter .
on 6/12/2014 2:40:10 PM with a score of 0
Nice story, but because you rated it 8/8 ten times yourself, I'm going to have to give it a big no-no!
on 6/12/2014 1:18:35 PM with a score of 0