Player Comments on the Androidic Purge
I appreciate some of the notes on the story page. However, I’m not sure that’s the best place for apologies. If you’ve written the story and you’re ready for people to read it, just own it! There’s no need to note that it’s your first storygame; nor do you need to apologize for it being short. I just think when those items are added in the story page, then reader expect the story to be not very good. If it’s that bad, why did you publish it? Just take your story and let people read it! That story page is a good place to invite readers to read the story, not a place to make them not like it.
I like the first page and the setup. As an android, I guess I don’t need much more in the way of descriptions. It might have been nice on that first page when you select models to have just a little more information about what model I was selecting. If you wanted it to be random, you could have actually just randomly assigned a model and let the reader know it was random (so they might want to play again). It was nice seeing the differences, but of course I really didn’t know what I was getting when I made that selection.
The information in the author’s note was fine, but the placement was a little odd. Maybe all that information could have been included in a backstory during the news report and then the reader wouldn’t have to jump out of the story to get that information. It was a nice story and I liked the options and the dialogue. I managed to find my way to the good ending and I enjoyed the story. Thank you for sharing it with us and I look forward to the next one!
on 5/19/2018 1:16:06 PM with a score of 0
This was juuuust interesting enough to disappoint me in its failed potential.
The premise is fine, the grammar and such is okay, but the execution was...lacking. For one thing, while I didn't see the original version of this, I was not a fan at all of the bright blue infodumps from the author. There wasn't any point where any of it looked like it would have been difficult to work naturally into the story and yanking me right out of things to tell me this stuff directly was about the worst way to go about it. Seemed more like a way to dodge doing real editing than anything.
For the first choice we're given no information about what the difference is in the android models, although tbh it doesn't seem they do much that matters either way. And there's the occasional situation of silly logic where you go outside the city...and stay in a forest...then flee back into the city...and are given the choice to either go outside the city or stay in a forest only this time the characters are suddenly complaining about those options.
The author told me with bright blue text that Axion was some amazing mythical city of androids, and then it was SO amazing she couldn't be bothered to describe a single thing about it at any point during the anticlimatic five sentence ending, except to mention I became best friends with some rando and their other best friend too. Yay?
Anyway, it's clear at least that the author has the base level of competence and the imagination to write a good sci-fi story, so hopefully any future projects they put up will only improve on this one. The major factor lacking right now is of how to communicate vital info clearly and in a natural and gripping way within the story (and keeping more aware in general of the difference between what they know, what the characters know, and what has actually been communicated to the reader...) which more planning and attention to detail can fix.
on 4/24/2018 7:21:20 PM with a score of 0
This story is fine. Grammatically it's pretty alright, a few errors (all involving dialogue tags) but nothing too bad. I like cyberpunk settings with a looot of prejudice, and this didn't disappoint. It seemed like a more kid-friendly cyberpunk setting.
One thing I did notice was that the purging of androids is... Well, it makes no sense. This one guy makes a speech, so suddenly every human hates androids and tries to kill them all? That's just lazy. There has to be some humans who still sympathize with androids and aren't following along with this. Maybe you plan on expanding this in the regular book series or a future installment, but right now it's just a tad ridiculous.
Speaking of the villain, there's no real motivation there. He just doesn't like androids. What did we ever do to him? We just co-exist with humans, what made everyone start hating us other than this guy's speech? Were there tensions beforehand? People scared, or even envious, of androids and looking to eliminate them? That's something that should have also been expanded upon.
Regarding dialogue tags, which I mentioned above, when writing dialogue there's rules. Here's some examples:
"Blah blah blah, I'm talking." He says. // Incorrect.
"Blah blah blah, I'm talking." he says. // Also incorrect.
"Blah blah blah, I'm talking," he says. // Correct. 'He says' is part of the same sentence as the dialogue, so there's a comma instead of a period and the word 'he' isn't capitalized. The same applies for questions and exclamations.
"Blah blah blah, I'm talking." He turns around and starts reading a book. // In this, the speaker does something and the story specifies that without noting that he just said the last line. So, this is a new sentence, and therefor you wouldn't continue the line of dialogue with this.
With items, I'd also suggest making it so we can't continue without them. This can be done by setting an item restriction on the link where you receive the items, and setting the restriction to 'has'. Otherwise someone could just ignore it and continue on.
Overall, I see some potential and lots of room for improvement. Stick around, maybe read a couple of articles about writing stories. I'd like to see more from you. (PS, I read the description of the other story you have in sneak preview... Don't leave paths unfinished. We HATE unfinished games being published on the site just because the author was too lazy to finish it.)
My final rating for this game is a 4/8.
on 4/10/2018 9:15:31 PM with a score of 0
Will there be another part to this? It was fun for me.
on 1/11/2019 12:00:19 PM with a score of 0
on 9/26/2018 11:50:53 PM with a score of 0
Very nice :)
on 6/27/2018 11:42:47 PM with a score of 0
Way too random; no cohesive storyline; not enough description to make informed decisions.
on 5/13/2018 1:53:43 AM with a score of 0
The different models seem to have little bearing on the actual story route, which I found annoying because the best ending can be achieved very easily.
on 5/2/2018 1:19:10 PM with a score of 0
So much fun. Really can't believe this is your first submission. Good job. I had fun.
on 4/23/2018 12:54:37 PM with a score of 0
Not bad at all for your first story. There's a plot in there, but it all gets cut rather short just as everything's getting started. You've chosen quite a unique setting for the story and that's one of the strong points I see here, though I must say that the Author's Note broke the immersion a little. Might I say that this might also be a little ambitious - there's lot of holes in the writing which probably need to be addressed.
Some fine-tuning is needed here and there, but essentially you have the bare bones of what could be a very formidable story. 4/8
on 4/17/2018 10:23:25 AM with a score of 0
I believe it’s a nice start for a first story. The interchange between the androids could be more lengthy and deeper, even giving a chance at learning the back story of the droids, who knows?
Some of the dialogue felt clipped, such as the description of the forest experience by Dexter. Overall, it didn’t feel too short. Got the unofficial ending, so onto the real one. Good job!
-- Robby2977 on 4/11/2018 1:24:35 AM with a score of 0
-- Ang on 4/10/2018 10:36:59 AM with a score of 0
Impressive, for a first story. I didn't catch many obvious grammar errors, you have a decent story, and it looks like you put thought and effort into your story, which isn't common. Can't wait for more.
on 4/9/2018 8:39:24 PM with a score of 0