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Felt Blue, Might Delete Later

7 months ago

Yo, listen up

Here’s the story,

About a little guy that lives in a blue world,

And all day and all night and everything he sees

Is just blue, like him,

Inside and outside...

 

He woke up with a splitting headache. His eyes hurt, an unnatural light shining through his room, a brightness he wasn’t used to. The headache faded as he sat up in bed, squinting his eyes. It was odd, the brightness. He kept his curtains closed when he went to bed (due to the horrible feeling that there was always someone at the window), and he always woke up several hours before the sun rose. Had his alarm not gone off? When his eyes finally adjusted to the light, he checked his watch and sighed. 4:30 a.m. Good, he hadn’t slept in. With that realization, he was able to figure out that, no, the light was not from sunlight streaming through the curtains. It was just...there. He couldn’t figure out why, everything in his room just shone with this light. It wasn’t too bright, now that he had gotten used to it.

He rubbed his forehead, hoping that there wasn’t something wrong with his eyes. After a few minutes of sitting in bed, he got up and tried to resume his day as normal. He exercised, then readied himself to go to work. 

 

Blue his house with a blue little window

And a blue Corvette

And everything is blue for him

 

When he stepped outside, he stopped. Something was just...off. He stepped forward, but no, something was definitely wrong. He glanced behind his shoulder, and there was his house. It looked normal. There wasn’t any wrong with it, per se. It just looked...odd. There was his window, with a little plant growing. He looked around the cul-de-sac he lived in. All the houses were arranged in a nice little circle, with their normal little porches and their normal little doors.

And yet, none of it was normal.

He shook his head, now convinced there was something wrong with his eyes. Perhaps he would get them checked out later. He got into his Corvette and drove to work. The drive to work was boring, and he always had the worst of luck. Always, right when he got to a stoplight, it’d tell him to stop.

Today, when he got to the stoplight, it didn’t change color. It stayed the same, and he said a quiet “yes!” to himself. Finally, today was a day of good luck.

And that.

That was when he got hit.

 

He didn’t wake up in a hospital. It looked like it, at first, what with the crisp, clean walls, and the small table by his bed. On the ceiling, there was that same kind of light that always hurt his eyes. He was dressed some kind of hospital gown as well.

He gingerly got up, fully expecting to hurt, but he didn’t. Looking at himself, there wasn’t even a scratch.

The door was unlocked, and he stepped out, the floor cold against his bare feet.

His room was one in a long hallway. Doors on both sides, each with a piece of paper on them.

The door across from him had:

 

Pearl Reter

Color: Green

 

The one beside that:

 

Ethan Klei 

Color: Red

 

Wedrin Drow

Color: Yellow

 

Tom Watsen

Color: Orange

 

Grant Kokes:

Color: Green

 

He scanned the long list of names, of colors, and finally, terrified, turned back to his own door.

 

Hunter Zelman

Color: Blue

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In all honesty, I'm...not exactly sure what this is. Read it, point out how horrible it is, I don't know.

Felt Blue, Might Delete Later

7 months ago
Good choice of music at least.

But although you guy does finally get a name at the end, he still needs at least some inkling of a personality. Besides that I'd have liked a little more detail in how exactly things were 'off', instead of just being told about it. Just shrugging off either serious wonkiness with the eyes/brain, or else the mysterious light actually filling his house didn't seem very believable either.

Other than that, this was a good hook to catch the reader's interest. If this were a storygame it would keep me reading. I'm a fan of the sort of off kilter and dreamlike quality I think this was trying to invoke, and I'd like to see where this goes. It just felt a little lacking in detail.