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When I was younger, I used to write all the time but I have never before written a choose your own adventure story. Since there is still so much for me to learn, I decided it would be much more doable if my first story was set in a place I was very familiar with and knowledgeable about. Hence, the annoying high-school drama cliche. I'm SORRY! Anyways, I've just started doing a bit of writing but I wanted to get some outside opinions before continuing with the idea. I've posted the link below do I'd really appreciate if you checked out my story so far (it's really short so it'll only take you a couple of minutes) and give me some feedback. Don't be afraid to be critical, I will not be offended!

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/Consequential.aspx 

I do like what you have so far, though the hook (waking up) is boring and cliché. Luckily, your writing is good enough that the first page didn't make me flee. :) I don't mind a good highschool drama/romance; it just can't be boring, ridiculous, or too typical.

Give me more of a reason to brush past Tyson. He calls out, "Rude!" when you choose to ignore him, but try to reason why - other than "having your own space" because he's not actually intruding on you.

Wouldn't you be worried and scared to approach somebody with connections at school (they can spread rumors about YOU just as easily)? It is risky to say you're Rachel's 'friend' - or approach her at all. You're untested, so why would she approach you? She doesn't want to lower HER status by communing with a stranger. The protagonist seems like a normal girl, so why would Lucy talk to her? I have several friends with "high" status, but they don't approach me outside of texts or asking for help on stuff.

Remember to make their relationship/trust hard-earned and lost. Remember to introduce several more characters and relationships with them too, as they make drama so much more... dangerous.

Keep writing. :)

Thanks for you feedback!!

I'll go back through what I've written so far, bearing in mind some of the points you have given me, and try to justify the choice of ignoring Tyson.

As for approaching Lucy, I was trying to give the impression that Bonnie was a bit of an it-girl herself, or high-status as you call it, but I clearly haven't done a good job at delivering that message. I'll go back and try to find some better ways to imply this status.

Thanks so much for your feedback, it will really help me to improve the game; I hope that when it's finished you can give me another review !!

Thanks !! :) :)

You write pretty good, decent grammar, not many spelling errors that I noticed. I would advised though removing the Tyson and Lucy friendship meters until you actually meet them. I was spending the first few pages wondering who in the world they were. Also when Tyson first approaches the mc he should at least say his name. That way the reader knows why the Tyson meter just hit negative 5.

You should slow down the pace some as well, its too rushed. Take the bus rid for instance. You mentioned that the school was a goodly distance away. She is on her way to a new school you should spend the time expressing her nervousness.

You focus too much on minor physical details, going into paragraphs describing what lover boy's eyes and hair look like. It makes for a boring read. I actually sought help with my own character descriptions in the workshop and got some good tips, here's the thread.

Thankyou for responding with construcive criticism, it will help me improve the game !!

I completely agree with your first point, but since I'm very new I'm not completely confident with using variables and I don't actually know how to hide a variable score until a certain point. If you know how to then please let me know because I would love to go back and change this!

I'll go back and work on the pacing too, and I'll also make sure to check out the thread you linked.

Anyways, thanks so much for your feedback !! :) :)

I don't know much about variables myself, but there are several articles on the subject in the help and info section. They may help you.

Thanks, I'll look around for them. Just checked out the thread you linked and i'll certainly be taking ogre's advice with the character information. :) :)

For the variables, I'm pretty sure you'd have to manually insert it into each page. I'm pretty sure, however, that you could use the global script and then override that on the pages you don't want the variables to pop up. But I'm not knowledgeable enough in this field to really say what, so you should take this to the Advanced Editor in the forum for help.

Ok, thanks so much! I'll have a look around in the forums before starting my own thread, and I'll try manually inserting them too!

:) :)

Manually inserting is a horrible idea, so find any way to NOT do that. xD

 

haha :D

Well I've had a little bit of a look around and haven't found anything but it's ok because I've decided not to make the relationships visible to the player.

Thanks so much for your help !! ^_^