Hello Cromwell, I'm glad that you decided to unpublish it! It's nice that you decided to make another story game this fast after the rather lukewarm reception of your debut. Fear not, everyone's first story is a bit of an unpolished gem. Haha, you're at least more productive than I am. You know, prancing around with your second project.
I do have to say that the link is broken, so other people who haven't read it yet, couldn't review it. Please toggle on your sneak peak mode and post the link again! Since I don't have the story at hand to go over each page in detail, my commentary (sadly) won't be very nitpicky. My memory currently has the capacity of a goldfish, so I only will point out things that stand out to me.
Futuristic terms
I kind of forgot most of the story, but what I've seen is pretty okay. It's fun that you decided to kick off your game with a high paced action scene. However, I got a bit lost when you threw out all these foreign concepts out of nowhere. I know you want to introduce them a little more naturally by doing it this way, but perhaps you can give us readers a little bit more context in order to not leave us wondering what the hell all these terms mean.
Sentence structure and paragraph use.
This is probably the biggest gripe I have. If the writing isn't readable, then it's difficult to enjoy the story no matter how good it may be. I noticed that you still have the tendency to lump a lot of sentences in these big darn paragraphs. It isn't as bad as KRYSIS and the story was pretty readable to me, but a lot of people might be put off by this particular formatting style.
This problem is the most apparent in the way you handle dialogue. Let me use the first page of Endmaster's innkeeper as an example. If I were to use your style of formatting, it would look like this:
“Yeah well it didn’t even hurt. My dad beats me harder than that. Though I guess Tom thought it hurt with the way he cried! Hahahaha!” David taunts. “Shut up David!” Tom exclaims. “So are you playing Smash Sphere over in the park today?” David asks you.“I hope so, but my dad’s been on my case about me studying harder. Says he wants me to make something of myself when I grow up.”
You can read it, but it isn't nice. It doesn't flow well with your eyes and if I were to skim the text, I would have no idea who is talking to whom. Let me now show how Endmaster's original style of formatting looks like:
“Yeah well it didn’t even hurt. My dad beats me harder than that. Though I guess Tom thought it hurt with the way he cried! Hahahaha!” David taunts.
“Shut up David!” Tom exclaims.
“So are you playing Smash Sphere over in the park today?” David asks you.
“I hope so, but my dad’s been on my case about me studying harder. Says he wants me to make something of myself when I grow up.”
You see that the white space makes the text easier to read and more breathable. In short, look what the masters do well and shamelessly copy it. Everyone has to stand on the shoulders of giants, you know.
Gameplay
I noticed that you used the same kind of combat system as KRYSIS in this game. Ah, to be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of it. In my opinion, the combat system and item use is a bit tedious. In your writing there is not a lot of indication when you could or couldn't use your weapon. This design choice kind of forced me to brute force my way into the right decision whenever the player character had to fight.
I think that it's better to simplify your combat system by making the story have a more gauntlet style of branching or to remake your combat system into something with more user friendliness and a little bit more flair. I already saw you implementing some interesting mechanics with that second weapon, but I was hoping that the weapon use would be more puzzle-like. For example, you have to kill a guard, but you have to decide whether you use your gun or your knife. Sprinkle some clues in whenever it is needed. Perhaps there are other guards nearby, so a gun would make to much noise. Thus, if a player thinks a little more, they would choose to use a knife. No sudden death scenes and the player feels a tad bit smarter. Mission accomplished!
These are only suggestions. It's clear to me that you have a lot more experience with items than me, so do what you want with this advice.
Conclusion
To answer your main question: "pending feedback to see if the audience would care to see the final product." I'm a person who would read any crap people throw at me, so my opinion is invalid. However, I'll give you one bit of advice that I've learned from others. Like Ninjapitka said, ahum, if this story haunts you so darn much, go ahead and write it! You don't need my or anyone's approval to finish your work. If you stand behind your story, then that's enough.
Hell, you have already written this much, it would be too bad if you never finished what you had started.
Good luck with your story game!
