Feedback... I'm new to the site; but having been a writer for nearly 20 years, I can provide fairly decent feedback. If anyone disagrees with this post, please let me know what I did wrong or what I missed. Thanks.
Aside from some grammar mistakes that can easily be amended, I don't see anything wrong with your story. However, you might consider adding more links/choices for the player to make as they progress through the story and possibly expanding the game. It is a good concept, though, and a decent story compared to some I've read. If you need help with the grammar or anything, I can help with that as well. Although, you might prefer someone more experienced than myself. Just trying to help out and become a more active member here...
