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NEW GAME PROJECT RED ARE THE ROSES

one month ago
It is a game that Happens in an alternative universe 50s where the senator Macarthur has become after a military coup in Supreme President Macarthur. The paranoia after the fall of South Korea fills this Philippines areal base and the feelings of being at the End of times.

The game is a romance horror game with the apocalypse undertones.
CURRENT WORD ACCOUNT 6K
ESTIMATED WORD ACCOUNT 30K 40K
ESTIMATED RELEASE END OF MAY OR FIRST WEEK OF JUNE

I am looking for proofreaders

FIRST SCENE
THE BOMBS


The thunderous noise of the anti-aircraft bells erupts shattering some of the security windows of the private Institute.

The chubby bachelor science teacher holds her glasses of glasses tightly in the colours of the American flag while you all get up in unison as a 100% greased machinery. It's honeyed, yet sharp voice tries to be heard through the deafening echo created by the anti-aircraft bell:

"All of you know the procedure, guys. Let's go out in order to the air shelter!"

You wear your anti-aircraft gas mask with tedium, you have done the same thing every week since President Macarthur has usurped the congress and the Senate, creating a regime based on paranoia and fear of communism.

You all go to the elegant aisle marching like worker bees hearing the bee's buzz. You look around feeling how the crowd that swallows you, once all classes come together on the way to the underground bunker of the school, as everything is segregated in the perfect MacArthur's anti-communist hive

Chubby Dolores gives you a friendly pat on the shoulder:
"Hey Sam, Theodore doesn't stop eating you with his dreamy blue eyes! You're a lucky one; a general's son, no less. Don't let him get away."

BOOM!

The thunderous noise of the bombs that raining as fire over the military base, before you can answer her.

The bombs break the tedium of the students who, like popcorn, bounce and crack in pure panic outside the firm security door.

You give thanks for being white and American in the shelter of the first protected by the army. While you feel like eyes devour you. The general's son. Your objective, your condemnation. The heir of your father's jailer.

NEW GAME PROJECT RED ARE THE ROSES

one month ago

Since this hasn't received much attention, I don't mind helping with this. The idea sounds really good, and I'd love to help this grow. 
I'm not a well-known person at all on this site (I've only been active ever since the quarantine started), so I understand if you think I'm not qualified.

NEW GAME PROJECT RED ARE THE ROSES

one month ago
Commended by mizal on 4/7/2020 10:25:08 AM

Speaking of which, here's some edits for you from what I've seen on this page.

  • Too many similes/metaphors. They aren't really necessary to the text, and while an occasional one certainly helps, having three in this small scene is definitely too much.
  • I really don't understand anything in the paragraph starting with "The chubby bachelor science teacher ...." 'The glasses of glasses in the color of the American flag' needs to be clarified because I have no idea what that could mean, and we don't know whose 'honeyed, yet sharp voice' is speaking: you say 'it's,' but that implies that it doesn't belong to a human, which has never been referred to before. Maybe I'm just dumb and missing something, though.
  • Instead of "You look around feeling how the crowd that swallows you, once all classes come together on the way to the underground bunker of the school, as everything is segregated in the perfect MacArthur's anti-communist hive," I would suggest something closer to "As all the classes come together on the way to the underground bunker of the school, you feel as if the crowd has swallowed you." The segregation anti-communist hive doesn't really make sense in that paragraph- how could everything be segregated if everyone is crowding together? At the very least, this needs clarification.
  • You use "the tedium" twice in a few paragraphs, which is really me being nitpicky, but it feels a slight bit repetitive. 
  • When Chubby Dolores tells us about Theodore, we have no idea who Theodore is- no description, no background, etc. It also feels rushed that our science teacher is giving us dating advice in the middle of some air raid. It might be better if our main character eyes Theodore in the class or just thinks about Theodore before the alarms go off, so that the player has the chance to absorb all the information about them instead of suddenly just hearing their name.
  • "BOOM! The thunderous noise of the bombs that raining as fire over the military base, before you can answer her" has a weird spacing that doesn't make great grammatical sense. Something that would tie those thoughts together more would be "Before you can answer her, a thunderous boom fills your ears, noise from one of the bombs raining as fire over the military base." The onomatopoeia is hard to make work in there because it splits one thought into two- your conversation with Dolores. 
  • There are some spots where commas are needed, but that can be fixed with a quick read-through, so I won't point them all out.

Wow, I went all out with this. Sorry if this was way too much.

NEW GAME PROJECT RED ARE THE ROSES

one month ago

Thanks for the feedback.
Segregation classes are segregated by race. It doesn't matter if the halls are crowded.  Each race goes into their areas. In fact, there are three bunkers. White people, Americans not white and not white local population.

Chubby Dolores is not the teacher. Maybe I just have to call teacher fat to make it clear.

The Boom in the real scene is italicized, and separate. But Doing so here means have to code absolutely all text and is a pain in the ass.

Theodore appears in The next scene right where is cut.It can not be in our class as he is in military courses You, however, are with his twin sister class.

 

 

NEW GAME PROJECT RED ARE THE ROSES

one month ago

Thanks for the clarification! That makes a lot more sense now.

I thought Chubby Dolores was the teacher because it mentioned earlier that the science teacher was chubby as well, so I simply assumed that they were the same person. That was a mistake on my part.