Player Comments on End of the World as You Know It

***DISCLAIMER*** to the author, It should first be stated, that you should NOT take anything i say with a grain of salt. Everything i say i mean, and i mean it with my chest puffed out, so, take everything i say to heart. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.


**OVERVIEW**
From the very first sentence, the author masterfully creates immediate tension and conflict, drawing readers into the story with vivid descriptions of pain and physical sensations. This visceral approach makes the scenes feel incredibly real and immersive. The world-building is expertly woven throughout the narrative, introducing intriguing elements such as the Empress, the geas, the Middle Realm, and the mysterious Book of Words. These components hint at a rich, fully realized fantasy world that begs to be explored further.

One of the story's greatest strengths lies in its pacing and tension-building. The author strikes an excellent balance between dialogue, action, and internal monologue, keeping readers engaged throughout. The action sequences are particularly noteworthy, described in vivid detail that brings the conflicts to life. The introduction of new elements, such as pixie dust during action scenes, adds depth to the world-building while seamlessly integrating with the plot. The protagonist’s struggle with rage, especially during these intense moments, strongly evokes the turbulent emotions Guts grapples with, deepening our connection to Artem.

**CHARACTERS**
Artem is portrayed as a loyal, affectionate, and knightly figure, deeply committed to his sister and the Empress (reluctantly). However, his struggle with anger and his complex past add layers to his character, making him more relatable and human. The relationship between Artem and the Empress is particularly intriguing, hinting at a rich backstory that leaves readers curious for more.


**AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT**
The story's multiple paths and endings add replay value and depth to the narrative. However, some readers might find the endings a bit abrupt or rushed.

However, let's address the betrayal by Artem's sister. We were willing to purge an entire town to ensure she wasn't harmed, sacrificed ourselves as a pawn to the Empress for 200 years for her—and then she turns around and kills us? It's a shocking twist that hits hard, adding a layer of dark, twisted complexity to the story. The option to slay her in some paths is not just a welcome catharsis but almost necessary, and the narrative allows us to truly feel the weight of that moment. Lines like, “Rage flows through you like a mighty river. Your hands find her neck and you squeeze until you hear a pop. Her eyes glaze in a dead stare, no longer holding life. You drop her to the ground screaming, ‘Look what you made me do!’” show just how effectively the author has channeled this raw emotion into the text.

Despite the intensity of these moments, I found myself wishing for more exploration into the sister’s motivations. Why was she so determined to obtain the Book of Words, and why did she choose to exclude her brother from her plans? These questions feel crucial to understanding her betrayal, yet the story doesn’t delve into them as deeply as it could. This lack of exploration took away from the plot, leaving a gap that, if filled, could have added even more depth and complexity to the narrative.

Additionally, the endings themselves feel a little abrupt - maybe even rushed. It feels like our sister just pops out of nowhere without any buildup in almost all the paths. The story, while really good, feels like it could have been so much more if given more space to breathe, though I understand this might be due to the constraints of being a contest entry.

The official endings, while somewhat satisfying, often come across as simple death scenes without much differentiation from an epilogue. They tell just enough, but there’s a lingering wish for more—an extra page or two at the end explaining what happens to the world in each respective outcome. What becomes of us without our sister when we choose to return to the Empress? What happens when we kill Elenora, only to be backstabbed and lose the Book? These are the questions that the current endings leave unanswered, making them feel somewhat incomplete.

The relationship between fergus and our sister also never really got an explanation to how or why it happened, which likewise felt a little bit odd and immersion breaking. How can a man spend 200 years with someone and not notice the red flags that she doesnt care or is willing to betray him? lol

**CONCLUSION***
In conclusion, the end of the world as you know it is a gripping fantasy narrative that successfully combines elements of political intrigue, personal loyalty, and magical conflict. While it may leave readers wanting more in terms of epilogue content and exploration of key motivations, its strong writing, engaging world, and complex characters make it a worthwhile read for fans of the fantasy genre. Despite its minor flaws, it stands out as a well-crafted tale that lingers in the mind long after the last page is turned. 6/8

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The description sets up the stakes really nicely. There are rebellions in the Middle Kingdom and the book of power---which has the power to undo everything---is missing. Each detail, including the introduction to the protagonist at the end, ramps up the stakes, tying it all together with his mission at the end.

I really like the storygame's hook. It starts in media res, with the protagonist's head exploding with pain. The combination of sensory details, actions and internal narration---all conveyed in a short first paragraph---is done well. Deep point of view is employed effectively to immerse readers in the scene.

Context clues allow the reader to understand what is happening without explicitly stopping to infodump or over-describe. Using sibilance to describe the way the Empress speaks portrays her cruelty. Speaking of her, she is malevolent and seems to enjoy suffering, yet the protagonist remains obedient to her. He attempts to answer politely even as his body and voice has not yet recovered. And it is inferred that this is not the first time, given that he knows a command to rise is coming.

Slight nitpick: at some instances, a full stop is used before a dialogue tag where a comma should be. I think this is a proofreading error rather than incorrect dialogue formatting, as it seems correct most of the time.

Artem is characterized really well. He serves the Empress and it appears that deep down, even as he obeys her every command, he wishes to defy her. That's the anger he struggles with. It likely forms part of his misbelief too: that his anger is negative, something to be controlled and wielded as a weapon at certain times, rather than a sign of the injustice he is subjected to. The way the Empress views his sister is a good reflection of how she only values them for what they can do for her. And Artem's worry about his sister forms a personal stake in the story, which may contradict with his duty-bound quest to retrieve the book and execute the one responsible.

The contrasting sibling dynamics of the Empress and Endora vs Artem and Eliana is intriguing. Regarding the former two, there's a lot of hatred and tainted history between them, whereas with the latter, Artem cares deeply for his sister. I'm interested to see how these parallel narratives would develop.

WRITING STYLE

The use of a deep point of view is excellent. Usually, I don't enjoy reading character descriptions as they feel somewhat like infodumps. But when Fergus is introduced, the protagonist's personality is reflected in the description: "You groan inside as you recognize the figure to be Fergus, the Empress’ newest champion pet project, your up-and-coming replacement, and the biggest tool on the planet." Not only does it develop the protagonist further in the process, but also shows Fergus' significance to the story. He's sort of a minor antagonist. As the protagonist is the reader's anchor to the story, it makes sense that readers evaluate the relevance of each side character based on the protagonist's view of them.

Similarly, descriptions are relevant to characterizing the protagonist: "The repetitive motion of the stone across the blade, the sound as the imperfections grind away, soothe and relax and help you think." This grounds the reader in the scene through the use of sensory details and its impact on Artem.

Pacing is executed well with the ever-rising stakes. Not only does the protagonist have to go on a mission that may end the world as he knows it, but now, it's revealed that there is no way he can disobey a direct order of the Empress. This may mean having to kill his sister. And even if he figures out a way to get past this, he has to face Fergus who would be with him every step of the way.

"It’s been a long day. Your sister is missing. A storm is coming. No freaking way you want to stay out here during a storm." --- Most of the time thus far, the story's pacing has been fast, especially given the volume information revealed at the start. But the short, simple sentences here are a nice way to slow down the story while reminding the reader of the stakes. It also humanizes Artem, because despite his healing abilities and being over 200 years old, his struggle of worrying about his sister is relatable. It shows that the plotline affects him, making readers empathize with his plight.

This technique is used to give readers a recap and slow down the pacing after the protagonist kills many people in a town. Not only does this serve as a useful reminder of the new developments, given how the reader's attention would have been focused on the recent violence, but it also ensures the story isn't just a collection of fast-paced scenes with no room to breathe. Pacing is masterful here.

In the scene where Artem decides to stay at an inn, the story does a great job of cultivating an atmosphere where something just feels off. From the choice of diction ("Not a soul stirs on the streets") to the protagonist's internal thoughts tending towards unease ("You have a nagging feeling that perhaps you should be extra careful"), it effectively conveys the feeling of calm before a storm. And given the sequence of events that take place if he acts without caution, this is good foreshadowing too.

"The third, the one who was talking so much, is standing as still and silent as a statue, his hands in the air, and his eyes full of fear. This is most likely because your knife is at his throat, and he is well aware that with just a small motion of your wrist he would be on the ground with his buddies." --- I like the order in which these two sentences are written, lol. The first is a well-written description of the would-be killer, which juxtaposes how he was earlier with his current state of fear, and the second provides the context in a humorous way. And speaking of humor, Artem explaining how conversations work was an unexpectedly funny and lighthearted moment.

There are a few proofreading errors scattered about, such as names or titles being uncapitalized, the aforementioned note about dialogue, and the occasional odd phrasing. But there's nothing too distracting from the story.

“Well, you don’t have to say anything I suppose. But that’s not very neighborly. We are all on the same side, you know." --- This is ironic and funny given how the protagonist was telling his almost-killers how a civil conversation works a few scenes earlier.

A strength of this story is that it is selective about what information readers should focus on based on what the protagonist views as important. For instance, the setting of the mill and it's single entrance is significant, as the protagonist must sneak in pretending to be one of them. But most of the speech is tuned out as to Artem, it is just "typical inspirational rhetoric designed to rally the common folk without providing any real information or substance". He doesn't tune back in until information is revealed about a plan in two days involving his sister.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

The inciting incident occurs soon enough when the protagonist has his quest: find Eliana and the book by nightfall. But first, he has to deal with Fergus. There is mutual dislike between the both of them, with Artem being more honorable and upholding notions like fairness whereas Fergus just cares about power and winning. He also threatens the protagonist, seeming to be more harmful than helpful to the quest. He's a -written antagonist, as the reader (me) is annoyed by him and therefore rooting for the protagonist to get the better of him. So it makes sense that the first choice is between going on the quest with him (obedience) or leaving him behind (slight rebellion).

Whichever path is chosen, there is a betrayal: either the protagonist leaves without Fergus, or he leaves without the protagonist. This elevates the already tense situation, as Fergus is shown to despise the protagonist and would not spare him any suffering, so it would be in character for him to lay in wait for the protagonist or even harm his sister.

The guard Sam recommending his sister Martha's restaurant was a nice detail: it shows how, despite his duty to protect the wall, he still shows his support for his sister's business. In a way, it's a similar dynamic to the protagonist and his own sister. Each character having their own agendas, no matter how big or small, makes the world feel more lived in too. This is shown in the group of men at the bar who spoke about Endora in secret, only to stop before they revealed too much in public (which also ties in to strategic reveal of information).

I love the way Artem's Anger is portrayed as a beast within him which he can let loose. In one of the scenes, where a speaker insults his sister, he goes on a rampage, killing everyone he can find. There are also similes which shows that he no longer views his enemies as humans in this state: "the audience scatter for the exits like bugs trying to hide from the light" and "you swing your axe straight down on the head of the man in front of you, and it splits in two like you are cutting a piece of fruit". Only when he regains his senses can he examine the damage he has done. He hacked so many people to pieces he can't tell how many there are, lol.

A critique might be that Eliana's actions seem out of character based on what is revealed about her. Artem's Anger is usually unleashed when someone speaks ill of her or threatens her, but in the ending where he gives in to his Anger, she reveals she has her own Anger too. Yet, she just kills him. There has been no indication thus far that the bond between them is one-sided, so this felt surprising.

I was shocked that Fergus joined Endora. I knew he would be a minor antagonist, but not like this, especially since his values were more in line with the evil Empress. But the fight scene was a good mix of blow-by-blow combat and dialogue to capitalize on personal stakes. The Anger is quite powerful: within moments, it goes from a battle to an experiment involving dismembered limbs.

Okay, the part about Eliana and Fergus was just as unexpected. She barely cares that the protagonist arrives, and somehow, the protagonist's Anger is mindless enough to kill her when he finds out about them being together. She might have loosened his geas but for some reason never thought to tell him or send him a message via Fergus. I feel like more foreshadowing through details about Artem and Eliana's relationship is needed; some amount of foreshadowing would be beneficial. Another possible suggestion if you want to make it a plot twist and maximize emotional impact would be to show some fond memories of the two of them, which would be effective when paired with how his anger shows his concern for her, then reveal this information. The reader would feel more betrayed, just like the protagonist, as they have been making decisions to benefit her. But both the endings where he speaks with his sister and either one of them dies is quite realistic given the grimdark setting of the world.

The other path explains a bit more about Fergus and the complicated nature of geas. He's just manipulating the protagonist's sister too, which makes more sense for his character and hers given she was under the Empress' care and portrayed as somewhat naive.

Oh, I see now. This is a perfect case of unpredictable narrators. All this time, the protagonist has been portrayed as a reluctant antihero working for the Empress, who only wanted to protect his sister, but when she speaks to him, the truth is revealed. He is responsible for her being bound to the Empress. Due to his anger and overprotective nature---which he mistakes for love, and therefore misleads the reader by extension---she is doomed to that life of imprisonment. So it makes sense now why she would let him remain trapped and even kill him in some of the endings, whereas he acts to protect her (except when his anger takes control).

It's a nice touch that the protagonist’s Anger is not solely a force for good or for evil. It can be used to get the protagonist out of difficult situations, especially where fighting is involved, but he must know when to reign it in lest it causes more complications. Moreover, it recognizes injustice which the protagonist might just be inclined to let slide, hence its joy when the protagonist is free after being enslaved for so long.

There are quite a good number of endings, even though some branches overlap. Despite it all, there doesn't seem to be any where the protagonist rebels against the Empress or is forced to choose between the book and his sister (the choice always seems to be already made for him). For some reason, I thought this was the trajectory the first page hinted at. Still, I suppose it's more realistic, given the twist revelation where he bound himself and his sister to the Empress, shackling himself to this fate. I'd like to have found out more about the Empress and her sister, such as how their differences came to be, what their motivations are, and the reason for the rivalry (since again, from the start it seemed like the story was setting one of them up to be the main antagonist), though if my complaint is that I would like to see more of this story, that's just testament to it being a great read.

In conclusion, this was an enjoyable high-fantasy storygame and definitely deserves many more reviews.

Review 15: End of the world as You know it
I always am of the mindset that I am still very much a newbie (very much true if you look at other people’s track record), so it is a first for me to watch another writer grow in skills and experience and this fast too! Feels unreal at times, but here we go.

There’s lot to like about this work. I like the title a lot since like Corgi’s you can interpret it in different ways which are both relevant to the story. The book is probably so powerful to make emperors out of normal people and the truth about Artem’s sister’s disappearance did bring an end to Artem’s perception about the world.

There are also some interesting themes covered. One of which is the “Anger” that Artem needs to control. Although it is often seen as destructive and at times malicious (Artem once destroyed an entire a town becuz he mad), Artem also needs that anger to survive. In many of the routes not wielding this anger will literally lead to a death scene. So the approach to anger in this story is very nuanced. You could obviously tell that this Anger is not very healthy for Artem’s mental wellbeing, plus it exacerbates his worst traits, but this anger also could lead him to true freedom. Fun stuff to think about.

Another more underlying conflict is between duty vs personal want. Artem is magically bound by the Empress’ vow to follow her commands, but that vow will eventually conflict with his wish to stay with his sister who wants to be free from her influence. I’m kind of sad that you didn’t expand even more with this idea like with the anger stuff. I could easily imagine a buildup in one route where Artem first literally interprets her rules but slowly over the course of the story tries to circumvent them and at last finally try to break them.

What I am more ambivalent about is that there was clearly one ‘canon’ route. Most of them provided with about the same amount of information, but the one that had the better buildup and emotional climax was the route where you evaded Fergus’ capture. The other ones did feel a tadbit rushed at times tbh, which was probably due to time constraints (plus they do feel a bit similar towards each other too.)

Fergus is also a mixed bag. In the beginning I did like him a lot more in that I could foresee the role that he would play in the story as the foil for Artem. So I was a bit disappointed that his role would turn out to be more of a co-conspirator with Artem’s sister plus world class manipulator. Not only does it feel very out of character for Fergus to be so charming and good with people that he could manage to make Artem’s sister fall in love with him, I feel that it was a very wasted opportunity to have him be the polar opposite of Artem’s sister in motivation and goals. I very much expected him to be the loyal follower of the Empress and that this conflict would revolve around that. Artem increasingly doubting his loyalty and Fergus trying to smack some sense into him. (I did enjoy the canon fight though!)

The same could be said about Artem’s sister. Yes, there was some cool foreshadowing at the beginning about her betrayal, but I still don’t really get why she wants to leave this badly from an outside viewpoint. I don’t believe that the working conditions were this bad for handmaidens and Artem’s sister was not under any kind of oath. So I don’t get it really why she wants to steal the book and there was no previous indication of her unhappiness. Plus, with security this tight, I was surprised that she was able to escape this easily (and considering that Fergus isn’t the brightest tool in the shed). All in all, I don’t find her that interesting.

Also, I don’t know why some of these commoners want to rebel against the Empress. There isn’t a very good reason that the story gave me. She has people that have to obey her, but that is the same with her sister. This doesn’t really effect the common folk that much, only people who work for her. So what is the reason why there are people who want to rebel, side with her sister and possibly cause a civil war so bad that it will lead to famines and lots of deaths? I think it would be a lot more believable if there was already a famine, a mismanagement of taxes or just a badly managed infectious disease, something that would rile up the common folk.

All in all, still a fun story, I enjoyed reading it, would give my recommendation.

Notes
- The intro is already so much stronger than your previous stories. I think that you took most of the feedback I gave in the past in great stride. It is a smart choice to begin with the empress punishing Artem. It quickly sets up the dynamic between them and their conversation also conveys in a natural way what is at stakes for both individuals (artem his sister and the empress the book) and what they need to do to achieve their respective goals. The way she brushes off his sister’s disappearance besides the torture also sketches the personality of the queen pretty well.

- One thing that I like about your prose, is that it is so simple and straightforward and easy to read. With lots of other authors, even at times the competent ones, I have to concentrate a lot, especially when I have to review them, but with your story I didn’t have that struggle. It is so easy to follow! One of the reasons is probably because of a certain formatting that you often do when doing exposition. It usually goes like this. NEW CONCEPT mentioned -> EXPLANATION OF THE CONCEPT -> WHY THIS CONCEPT IS IMPORTANT IN GENERAL -> Repeat. With his sister it goes like this. SISTER MISSING MENTIONED -> SISTER ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE MISSING, ARTEM MAD -> HE IS SWORN BY AN OATH, THAT OATH PROMISED HIS SISTER’S SAFETY IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS COOPERATION. THAT’S WHY HE BE PUNISHED. This is so friggin effective and do try to employ this style in future writings.


- One quick remark though; I like that Artem cares so much about his sister. I do have to warn ya to be careful to use other characters as Mcguffins. The only reason why readers now care about finding that sister, is because ARTEM cares about it. Her disappearance would be more impactful if her absence makes Artem’s life more difficult or you could have a flashback to have the readers get to know her a bit better.

- Another critique; the beginning scene would be even more interesting if you described the environment a little. I get a feeling that they are in the empress’ throne room or something, but in the story so far I have no clue what their surroundings look like.

- I like the role Fergus plays in the story as the Artem’s foil. However, I do think that his introduction can be given a bit more pizzazz. Artem TELLS us that Fergus is a cruel man who likes to smash things. Wouldn’t the perfect introduction and character defining moment perhaps be something like him dragging a traitor and then torturing him while the queen and Artem are watching?

- I like the humor how Artem interrogates his assassins. Very cute, very funny.

- There’s also some proofreading you gotta do, not in the grammar sense, but more in the meta sense. In the page WHO NEEDS A BED you have Artem contemplate whether to follow the bearings on the compass immediately or regroup. There is only one choice given to the reader. Perhaps you ran out of time to write the other page as well hahah. If you don’t plan to expand the story you can leave out that paragraph.

- Is Bouldergate also a reference to Baldur’s gate? Fun easter egg.

- So it turned out that Artem’s sister took the Empress’ book. The first page did do a good job of foreshadowing it! What I didn’t expect was that Fergus and Artem’s sister were lovers haha.

- GETTING CAPTURED BY FERGUS ROUTE “Thank the empress” Good line, I always like it when fantasy worlds have their own unique proverbs and stuff that are connected to the setting.

I thought the premise was intriguing at first, but then the story was incredibly fast paced and events came and went quite fast. Would be interested in reading a more in depth version.

This is one of the only story games I reset and played repeatedly to get all the endings. Of course, I haven't played many story games so I don't know if that's saying too much.

Nonetheless, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Specifically, I love that it's packed with plot twists no matter which path you take. The characters all have their own agendas, and they are all compelling.

The only complaint I have is that it's too short. I understand that it was for a contest though, so I guess a long story would have been difficult to write while under a deadline.

Anyway, I'm glad I read this. Thank you :]

Very solid and enjoyable story that definitely deserves more attention. I liked the clear distinct characterization and well developed fantasy/magic system.

I noticed at least one place where more than 1 choice was planned, but never followed through. There is a good amount of branching nevertheless, and the protagonist's fate varies pretty greatly.

It might just be the way I'm reading it, but I find that some pieces of dialogue fail to convey the intended emotion of the characters especially during distress. Not many complaints other than that.

Short but sweet. The storygame captures the idea of a Dungeons and Dragons type world well while focusing on a very interesting protagonist.

I’m a bit mixed on the cast of characters. I do enjoy the idea that this is a swords and sorcery world where everyone is out for themselves. There are no true heroes. Artem has dimension as a character, and being aligned with an evil Empress initially gave the impression that a lot of people are in similar situations where they have to constantly make moral compromises to live in this world. However, while the narrative does make a good choice to focus on Artem’s point-of-view, most of the other characters don’t get much development. Eliana gets some development thanks to the fact that Artem thinks about her a lot. However, I felt that there should have been a bit more development for Ferguson as a twist villain, and certainly a lot more for the Empress and Endora. The two magic twins claim that they are different, but I don’t really get that impression based on the narrative. All I saw were two megalomaniacs vying for control over the world. It’s not bad to have one-dimensional bad guys, but I was left wanting for more.

I do love the action though. The pacing of the story is snappy and flows well. I love becoming this powerful rage machine that can kill just about anything. I enjoyed giving in to the Anger and let it drive me to victory.

Restraining passion and having self-control is laudable, but Artem is brought into situations where his anger is something that saves the day. The story does technically frame him as a villain protagonist, and in one section he does something particularly villainous, but my perception of Artem is that he is a nuanced character in a complicated situation. His anger, and emotions in general, are generally restrained in a very unhealthy way. I got the impression that he has never had a healthy outlet for his anger, and inability to deal with it properly leads him to becoming a rage monster. I can imagine that he would become a true villain after becoming completely unrestrained in that one ending. If there’s a sequel, I’d love to see that idea explored more.

This is definitely worth a read. It’s not too long and you can get a quick fantasy fix. Check it out!