The Witch Diaries II

All I can say is... Lol

It seems as though this was supposed to be gritty... or something. I'm not quite sure. Please check out Endmaster's article on writing this form of material, though I doubt that you'll do so. Also, you might want to research your material. You seem to have no grasp on... almost everything actually.

This was hilarious. If it wasn't for the complete lack of awareness about such things as drug dealers and pimps I'd suspect the author was under sinister influences but rather I think you made a checklist and worked your way down the checklist, unhindered completely by correct spelling and grammar, realism or even a real sense of why things in your story happened. It was about as far from a coherent story as it is possible to be while still making any kind of sense at all.

There was way too much insanity here to go through it all but I'll go through some of my favorite lines:

"Her breasts and butt were showing" - this implies her clothes have at least two extremely large holes in.

"I am yo' new Pimp. Y'all can call me a pimp named stepmovv'ah. Call me the whole thing or i'm gonna smack you in the mouth. Any questions fo' a pimp named stepmovv'ah?" - This is actually fantastically offensive on so many levels you're backing into genius with this one. Among the various stereotypes you have managed to insult African-Americans, wiggas, pimps and stepmothers in just thirty words or so which is an impressive achievement.

"What the fuck is so funny, hoe? I'm gonna pop a cap in yo' ass!" - Lines like this do make me wonder if you have ever met an African-American in your life or whether your whole image of how they act and speak is got from something like MTV.

"They scream and run naked outside of the giant coven when they see the pimp has died." - Brothel customers rarely act in this way, particularly as it means that without their pimp's protection the lesbian witch-girls are much more vulnerable to discounts and... other stuff.

"You will inherit the coven, the drug business, and the prostitution that the old supreme had" - Loving the fact that this position is being offered to a teenage orphan girl with no prior expeience of witchcraft, drug trafficking or lesbian-witch-prostitution.

"She seems like she should be a stripper or a porn star, not a maid cleaning a coven full of drug dealers." - I don't want to blow your mind but if a beautiful woman is wondering around a brothel dressed in a maid's outfit it's very unlikely that she is really there to do a little sweeping and dusting. Incidentally this, as with many other parts of the story, gives an alarming insight into the author's fantasies telling me and all the other readers far more than we ever wanted to know about random strangers :D

"I saw the waitress was actually a robot! The mad scientist was raping his creation." - A commonly observed occurence. I have many questions about this, not least how does one actually rape a robot? Mess with it's circuitry? Switch it's radar feed to babe station? Plug it into the national powergrid? Also if this was going down I would a) not eat the food in that place again and b) ask for a discount.

"But Wendy was caught and beaten to death with pitch forks" - this seems rather an unecessary expenditure of energy as pitchforks have pointy bits that could probably get the job of witch-slaying done much more quickly. It's a bit like using a pair of knives to beat someone to death.

Anyway there is far too much here to deal with. I really enjoyed this story as one of the more alarming things I've read recently and whether it stays up or not thanks for brightening up my afternoon :D

Alright, so immediately there was a few grammer issues that jumped out. This was short enough that it wouldn’t have been hard to look over it again, so that was annoying.

OK, so if there’s a suicide at an orphanage, there’d be an investigation. If there were multiple deaths, people would DEFINITELY investigate. This isn’t getting a new watch battery or replacing a lamp bulb. Not having enough time to check on dead orphans is nonsense.

Who lay padding down in an orphanage? That’s weird, it’s not a mental instituion, and the headmistress wants to hurt me, why did she do it?

The headmistress might hate me, but she cares about dental hygeine for some reason.

People attempted to be my parents? What? I don’t think that’s how the adoption system works. Also, should I show them my WHIP MARKS? Why am I staying silent?

Angels look like Korean Pop Stars? I’m… not surprised.

“My love?”… Oh, shit. That is not something I want to hear from anyone I’ve just met, even if it’s a sexy angel.

She can’t legally punish me or I can file a formal complaint that can lead to an investigation. The suicides didn’t lead to an investigation, but people care about formal complaints. WHY DIDN’T I FILE A FORMAL COMPLAIN WHEN I WAS WHIPPED?

Is throwing me out onto the street a threat? Is street life really worse than being whipped and probably killed?

A giant mirror is brought into my chamber? By who?

I get that exposition is hard. I usually just do infodumps, because I’m a douche. But “Someone who’s not described brought in a mirror that had what could be a demon but is never really explained inside it that gave me a bunch of information for some reason.

My only ally? He just admitted to making a deal to trade power for orphan souls. Surely I could find a better ally. A puppy fiddler, perhaps.

So it said “I had to think of something fast”, but I didn’t. The doors just burst open. I could’ve done the macarana, and that would’ve changed nothing.

Alright, after that there was a bunch of similar stuff that was awful, but I feel you’re getting the gist of it. This game needs SERIOUS work. You should really try to improve on pretty much every aspect.

Also, there were no choices. The one choice you gave me in that entire thing was that bullshit thing where either way I had to go with the police. So the game sucked.