Are You Chicken?
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played times (finished )
"wade in shark infested water"
"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"
"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.
This is a game to see how far you can go before you chicken out.......or die!
Well. This story was a lot better than I remembered it being.
First off, as apparent from the first page; you need to break up your text a little and put some paragraphs in.
The second thing I can tell from the very first page is that you haven't been proofreading your writing much, which you should really do since we are all nit picky about grammar here :P
"Exept for one which looks fine (exept for the wildly grown back and front yards)."
Though, seeing as how you spelled "except" the same way, maybe you should consult a dictionary instead.
Now, ignoring the various spelling mistakes in this storygame (and there are plenty of them), there's a few more things I'd like to point out.
The constant use of "you" as the first word of each sentence.
Take this excerpt for example;
You decide to go through the hole. You get on your hands and knees and go through. The bits of wire poke into you and make you bleed. You finally get through and look at your sores. Jamie and Alex follow. You make your way up to the house and Jamie comes up next to you. You knock on the door. Nobody answers. The door then creeks open and you walk in. You look around at the old fashoined house and you think it is very creepy. You walk over to the stair case and start going up. Alex asks "Do you think this is a good idea?". You look at her. She is usually right about this stuff but you can hardly resist going up the stairs. You say to her..."
There was 9 sentences that started with "You".
I don't know about everyone else but repetitive sentence structure is a huge no-no for me.
Try starting with a verb or combining some of the sentences.
That goes for the whole story, and definitely not just this one paragraph since your entire storygame does have the commonality of at least half of the writing on the page starting with "You".
Now, moving on; the story does have a comprehensive message of "don't pollute" (hmm I wonder if that's due to the whole "almost every single ending page has DONT POLLUTE" or a version of that :P), but I feel you really could have done more.
You basically had them vomit exposition at you towards the end, and I really would have liked a longer story and less "give you the backstories in this huge paragraph" and more maybe poke around to find out more about them.
I like this idea, I really do. But its such a letdown when the exciting part is over in 3 clicks.
At least you had a fair amount of writing and more plot than most!
on 11/23/2017 6:13:30 PM with a score of 0
Let me paste my penguin analogy, and then I'll explain.
As I like to say, a good storygame is a penguin...
It has bones, the structure, the plot.
It has flesh, it has descriptions, it has details, and also emotions.
It has a sleek outer skin, good looking writing, grammar, punctuation and spelling, fancy or grabbing start.
It has a brain, variables, items(if applicable, not all penguins need to be smart!), link restrictions, and perhaps score.
It has a mouth and a**hole, the capability to be changed, removing crappy parts and digesting suggestions and improvements.
According to this, I rate your story as a... slightly stupid small pile of flesh, one bone, and a dirty skin.
The story starts out hitting you in the face, most of the time this does not really appeal to readers. Instead, I suggest a backstory that draws readers in or at least catches their attention.
Then a coordinated plot would be good to have, this would give a good skeleton structure to your animal.
Flesh it out, add in details, emotion, not just chicken out. You already have some flesh, just add some more, and it should be nicely plump(sorry...)
Spelling, grammar, need I say more? There are plenty of mistakes to correct here, they don't really interrupt the meaning of the story, but they sure are annoying as heck! Make sure your story looks good.
It doesn't seem that your story needs variables and items, but some better linking could be sought after. Nobody like a choice that leads to death on the first page.
The changing and removing... I hope you see this, and all others that mention great points, and change correspondingly as you see fit...
Keep up the good effort!
on 11/17/2020 11:41:19 AM with a score of 0
-- Chess on 4/11/2018 12:03:54 PM with a score of 0
Yay I lived
on 12/17/2016 10:22:36 AM with a score of 0
it was nice kinda twisted but good if you really think about it it could be a movie of some type but anyways nice... ??
-- anonymous on 9/6/2016 4:22:30 PM with a score of 0
I don't even know...
-- Girl America on 6/27/2016 7:17:15 PM with a score of 0
Wow. What an horrible grammar. The grammar is of an 8-year old child. And the story sucks.
-- Deadly Lion on 4/21/2016 1:50:48 PM with a score of 0
Don't pollute, kids!
on 4/7/2016 3:27:57 PM with a score of 0
Yup. Good game. Just fix the spelling and you my friend are good.
on 4/4/2016 5:37:44 AM with a score of 0
SPELLING! GRAMMAR! These are the things you need to improve the most upon. For example, I have already seen a few mistakes...
on 3/26/2016 1:00:55 PM with a score of 0
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