Player Comments on Are You Chicken?

Well. This story was a lot better than I remembered it being.

First off, as apparent from the first page; you need to break up your text a little and put some paragraphs in.

The second thing I can tell from the very first page is that you haven't been proofreading your writing much, which you should really do since we are all nit picky about grammar here :P

"Exept for one which looks fine (exept for the wildly grown back and front yards)."
Though, seeing as how you spelled "except" the same way, maybe you should consult a dictionary instead.

Now, ignoring the various spelling mistakes in this storygame (and there are plenty of them), there's a few more things I'd like to point out.

The constant use of "you" as the first word of each sentence.
Take this excerpt for example;

You decide to go through the hole. You get on your hands and knees and go through. The bits of wire poke into you and make you bleed. You finally get through and look at your sores. Jamie and Alex follow. You make your way up to the house and Jamie comes up next to you. You knock on the door. Nobody answers. The door then creeks open and you walk in. You look around at the old fashoined house and you think it is very creepy. You walk over to the stair case and start going up. Alex asks "Do you think this is a good idea?". You look at her. She is usually right about this stuff but you can hardly resist going up the stairs. You say to her..."

There was 9 sentences that started with "You".
I don't know about everyone else but repetitive sentence structure is a huge no-no for me.
Try starting with a verb or combining some of the sentences.
That goes for the whole story, and definitely not just this one paragraph since your entire storygame does have the commonality of at least half of the writing on the page starting with "You".

Now, moving on; the story does have a comprehensive message of "don't pollute" (hmm I wonder if that's due to the whole "almost every single ending page has DONT POLLUTE" or a version of that :P), but I feel you really could have done more.
You basically had them vomit exposition at you towards the end, and I really would have liked a longer story and less "give you the backstories in this huge paragraph" and more maybe poke around to find out more about them.
I like this idea, I really do. But its such a letdown when the exciting part is over in 3 clicks.
At least you had a fair amount of writing and more plot than most!
3/8.

Well.
Let me paste my penguin analogy, and then I'll explain.
As I like to say, a good storygame is a penguin...
It has bones, the structure, the plot.
It has flesh, it has descriptions, it has details, and also emotions.
It has a sleek outer skin, good looking writing, grammar, punctuation and spelling, fancy or grabbing start.
It has a brain, variables, items(if applicable, not all penguins need to be smart!), link restrictions, and perhaps score.
It has a mouth and a**hole, the capability to be changed, removing crappy parts and digesting suggestions and improvements.

According to this, I rate your story as a... slightly stupid small pile of flesh, one bone, and a dirty skin.
Explanation:
The story starts out hitting you in the face, most of the time this does not really appeal to readers. Instead, I suggest a backstory that draws readers in or at least catches their attention.
Then a coordinated plot would be good to have, this would give a good skeleton structure to your animal.
Flesh it out, add in details, emotion, not just chicken out. You already have some flesh, just add some more, and it should be nicely plump(sorry...)
Spelling, grammar, need I say more? There are plenty of mistakes to correct here, they don't really interrupt the meaning of the story, but they sure are annoying as heck! Make sure your story looks good.
It doesn't seem that your story needs variables and items, but some better linking could be sought after. Nobody like a choice that leads to death on the first page.
The changing and removing... I hope you see this, and all others that mention great points, and change correspondingly as you see fit...

Keep up the good effort!

Quality Content

Yay I lived

it was nice kinda twisted but good if you really think about it it could be a movie of some type but anyways nice... ??

I don't even know...

Wow. What an horrible grammar. The grammar is of an 8-year old child. And the story sucks.
0/10

Don't pollute, kids!

Yup. Good game. Just fix the spelling and you my friend are good.

SPELLING! GRAMMAR! These are the things you need to improve the most upon. For example, I have already seen a few mistakes...

Great game

Fun, a few spelling errors but otherwise well thought out and entertaining. Definitely worth replaying but needs to be proofread again or tested by someone else.

Well, I didn't die, so... yay? It seems like this is one of those things where whatever happens in your dream can kill you, or... something like that. Fun, though, but some grammar is off.

This was a fun game that brings a funny twist at the end. Unfortunately, I died...

Good I guess but y'all need to put more correct spelling grammar in this

It was okaaayyyyy...

Decent story. A few spelling errors to correct. I like the effort which has been put in to describe the scenes.

This is kinda cool but a lot of reading

Hmmm....

Not that good

I am no chicken! I got the best ending...

At the same exact day that my science pollution essay was due! It was good, just had a little bit of spelling mistakes, but that barely affected my opinion of this story.

Okay, I learned something from the story.

I won!!!(nobody kill me!)$$$@@@^^^

Great story. I was thinking- "When was I going to see the moral?"

meh. Average rating from this psychopath.

this game is unfair

It was awesome and epic, but you never told me if I was chicken or not....

Well, I died, but at least I'm not a chicken! ^_^

Well, I like the messages on not to pollute and the storyline is decent. It would be better if it was longer and had a little more branching.

It's spelled pollute, just so you know.

don't pollute i love this game short and awesome next time try to make it longer 6/8

Aside from any message that exists within the story, there are approximately three unique choices which all lead to the same generic place with a silly 'big reveal' and subsequent choice of dialogue which all result in death, save one which results in an 'it was all a dream' scenario.

And if you 'chicken out' you get the 'don't pollute' message without context.

Essentially, the story is silly. However, it then tries to convey a serious message by using the ridiculous story to support its view.

I agree, don't pollute. But c'mon, this is terrible. And you misspelled pollute - which, given that the message occurs in every ending (Which is to say, both of them)I'm surprised you didn't notice). This is on top of a slew of less remarkable misspellings.

Before you criticise me for taking what is a juvenile story seriously, consider this; by representing the dangers of pollution in such a ri

I didn't realize how political this was going to be when I started. I forgive you, though. It was entertaining.

it was scary to begin with, but then it just got ridiculous. And then it ended so innocently... cute :/

Yep!

it was... ok. 4/8

Decent story, but the ending was kind of lame because there wasn't enough suspense for it. And while you described what happened to the people, "slimey mummies" isn't exactly a good description for how they are now. I kind of wish you would have described the area a bit more, too. Especially inside the house.

it says that you die unless you go a certain way. whats up with that?

Not too bad--a little abrupt and more buildup to the capture would be good, but it is interesting nevertheless. The ending was pretty good, but seemed that it might be a little bit cliche. Still, pretty good.

Yes I am!

that was pretty good!

The sentences bordered on run-on, but it kept me interested. This seems like it should be in horror though.

This is better than crazy High-Scoolas doing the chicken dance!

I'm chicken... BAWK BAWK BAWK!!!

I actually played this a few weeks ago, but I must have been logged off at the time, because I don't appear to have rated it. I don't really see the need to write a comment (I must agree with the common opinion below), although I would like to ask a question: what motivated you to write this?

I am at quite a loss for words... Wait here are three, WHAT THE HECK?

"so we killed Ted and started our own language"?!
(dont polute)

Hrm, pretty good. Interesting story and reasonably well written.

Bad.

Bad.

Yup. Another game with oo much writing.

FAIRLY GOOD.

RATED

it was to short and weird

dis was da gayest game eva fletch........
wat kind of name is fudge??

That was a nice game. I almost didn't notice it on the new games. It isn't an advanced game so I can't really grade a person on that. The storyline was very original. I'm glad. Make more original games.

Very good. I didn't like that I diedm though.

... kinda predictable, not much real plot or story line, but i've seen worse. Far worse.

Hey Fletch great story!!! I died pretty early and couldn't b stuffed goin back but from where i got up 2 it was fantastic. Good Job..
P.S. C U at skool ;)

kool

the game was wicked the end was funy but the nams and language was really weird

i followed Jamie and it kept getting confused. is Jamie a girl or boy? it kept saying "he and she" interchangably. correct this and it will be a good story.

good story

Very good. You should have lost a few fingers or a leg, though.