Player Comments on In Moonlit Waters

***DISCLAIMER*** to the author, It should first be stated, that you should NOT take anything i say with a grain of salt. Everything i say i mean, and i mean it with my chest puffed out, so, take everything i say to heart.  To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first. 



Prologue Analysis/Thoughts:



Unique choice of font, I quite like it. I also like that Mystic breaks her stories up into distinguished chapters. Her line breaks to mark the beginning of a cut-off or new paragraph/beginning is also a nice artistic touch that she does.



"Sleep shunned you that night. Slits of moonlight trickled in the half-opened shutters, as you rose from your silken sheets, covered in cold sweat, feet colliding with the floor."

Great opening, here Mystic excellently uses both a motif and personification to effectively build the setting and draw the reader into the narrative.



Sensory details: Mystic engages multiple senses, from visual descriptions to sounds all throughout the story. The world never feels dull, boring, unimaginative, or lacking in vivid details due to this precision in engaging the reader through sound, touch, sight, and smells too (many forget this one). Here's a great example of this rich language:

"cold handle of your door."

Most people may talk about touching the door, but we probably wouldn't know whether it was hot or cold. These little details most of us forget about, but it's these little details that dictate whether a story is worthy of being top-tier or not. Kudos there, Mystic.



Mystic does a great job introducing the protagonist's pain at seeing her mother possibly becoming a concubine for the emperor. One thing I've noticed about Mystic's stories is that all of her protagonists seem to not censor themselves around authority figures and kings etc., Aubrynne's relationship with Corlix in Spell of Slumber being a good example of this.



The emperor's coercion of the protagonist's mother is super well done. His words feel icky, slithery, and predatory. Good usage of metaphors in this sentence:

"But you will, my love. Like a malicious tiger stalking its prey, his hungry gaze never moved from her."

Really brings the ick to his words.



"Kindness. Mother's ultimate weakness. That day, it cost her everything. The moment she nodded—hesitant and fearful—the Emperor pressed his salivating lips against hers."

Throughout the first few pages, the humanity and kind-heartedness of our mother is depicted vividly, from her feeding squirrels to this scene. The usage of "his salivating lips" is a good touch; somehow it does a good job of dehumanizing his kiss as one not of love but of lust.



Chapter 1 Analysis/Thoughts:



Woah, our mom has died? I wonder what happened there.



"Perhaps she blames you for her death. It's one of the most common explanations given by the elders for unresponsive ancestors. But could it be? Mother has never been known to hold grudges."

This is an excellent sentence; it once again characterises our mother as a loving and peaceful individual, while we, the daughter, are characterised in this sentence as feeling in part responsible for her death. It does a great job at deepening our bond and connection with both characters, along with fleshing them both out even further. Kudos!



"Dragon columns line the entrance to the Chang'E temple. Also known as the moon deity, Chang'E used to be a mortal before swallowing a pill that brought her to the moon. Though the details are fuzzy in your mind, you remember attending a play about this haunting, melancholy tale with Mother a dozen moons ago."

I feel like this is going to be some crazy foreshadowing. Let's see if I'm right! This sentence also does a great job of fleshing out the worldbuilding through offering us a look into the religious beliefs and culture of the world we inhabit; it's done smoothly too.



You do an excellent job of likewise creating and sneakily adding new antagonists into the world through this paragraph:

"The Commander starts to ramble on, but your mind is ensnared by the numerous possibilities that lie ahead. Your main suspect is the Seventh Empress—she is known for imprisoning and framing the Emperor's concubines out of envy. Then again, it could be the Emperor, in a fit of violence disguised as passion. But who's to say that the other royals did not kill Mother in an attempt to grieve the Seventh Emperor, and gain political advantage through his weakness?"

Kudos, we now have two people to torture and mutilate for answers muwahahaha



"You are not equipped to solve such a mystery. Even with your nightly sneaking around the Palace, and mental notes on numerous members of the royal family, you've gotten nowhere these last few years."

This small paragraph does a good job of explaining some of the gap years since our mother's death and what we've been doing.



Aww damn, I tried to not assassinate the merchant when I saw he just insulted someone, and he has a son he wanted to go fishing with. Sadly there was no way to avoid it. Knowing Mystic, and that she likes narratives with more happy resolutions, part of me was expecting to be burned if I killed him lol, so I'm surprised that it was unavoidable. OH nevermind, I stopped reading to write that at the wrong point lol, we just take his finger, how sweet : )



I love how we get a personal touch from us, about how our father never took us fishing, along with how cutting his finger off pulled our heartstrings.



I know when Mystic writes that a boy has "curly hair" in her story, that automatically makes him a love interest lol. Let's see if I'm right, is Shixian a love interest?



Chapter 1 ended a bit confusingly for me. I can't really explain my confusion; I'm just confused. I know we're going to fight for the throne to get revenge, in a death battle vs 100 people? I don't know, we will see. I think the last few pages flew over my head due to their psychedelic nature, with meeting a goddess of the Shi empire and all.



Chapter 2:

I love that the jade hairpin is a recurring thing which is never forgotten about. It adds reality to the narrative. Chapter 2 also starts off strong with great descriptiveness:

"The smell of smoke fills your nostrils. They've begun burning the front door. Amidst the coils of gray fumes, you see the sun slightly lower than where it was before."

Although it could maybe be enhanced slightly further by giving greater description into what the smell of the smoke actually smells like, like burning wood? I'd have been able to smell it with my mind's eye.



"pierced eyeball excretes a sickening liquid, interspersed with specks of blood. The mere sight of it makes you want to faint."

I love this line; it tells us so much with so little.



This is exciting!! We're about to do a big death battle with all the royals? Sign me up cowboy.



"You shake your head impatiently. "Look, she's alright now. And if we don't want to end up like her—"

"How can you say that? She's not alright! I... I don't understand you, Liu Longyi! My sister is dead!"



Great humanization of our ally princess; she no longer seems like a snobby noble, but a snobby noble who has lots of empathy, even if selectively.



"One: Sometimes it's curved like a smile, other times, it's round like a plate"

My rationale is telling me it's the moon.



"Two: They are twin sisters of the same height; they work in the kitchen, arm in arm. Whatever is cooked, they always try it first"

This one's difficult! But it's got to be chopsticks!!! They're identical and try what is cooked.


"Three: A thousand threads, a million strands. Reaching the water, vanishing all at once"

Has to be rain hitting a puddle or ocean or body of water!! Very creative riddles, kudos!



First link on the 'armour' page is broken.



Omg I got a death scene so late because I didn't kill the merchant?? Wow okay. Welp, time to restart and kill him then, it's us or him, rip kid you're gonna be an orphan, like me.



Prince Shixian seems quite noble and good-hearted; he's very much growing on me.



Chapter 3:

"Let us pass, Crown Prince Shixian demands. Remove your blockades. Taunting him, one of the sun-tanned men sniggers." For some reason I thought this line said something else at first, had to do a re-read lol

He sends an arrow through the skull of the old man.

"You gaze at him in horror. Did he just kill the man? Maybe the betrayal affected him more than you thought."

Shixian is ruthhhlesss, I did NOT expect that either. This is definitely a much more gritty tale than Spell of Slumber, that's for sure.



""Stay here," you instruct, and it spits chewed grass in your face."

I love the level of detail here.



"You wish to erase from your mind what happens next. The man, after forcing the pregnant lady in a chokehold, comes down on her. His bloated lips press against her quivering ones."

His bloated lips, I'd say that's a bit of an interesting choice of words, did he get stung by a bee? An allergic reaction maybe?



"No. The assassinations were simple. You came, you killed, and you left. Your victims were little more than names you could trade for gold or silver pennies; nothing more than a means for survival. You never relished in their deaths. Unlike those soldiers, you only saw them as a necessary evil."

Great way to characterise the protagonist's recent emotional build-up as not being out of character, kudos.



"You don't deserve to be the Empress. Not after everything you've done."

Guilt and self-loathing trickling in I see, although understandable considering the things she's done. At least she seems to have conscience, half the people in the story lol.



Gushi's voice expands to fill the hollow cave. "Her lover had just figured out her true form: she was a creation of the Wicked Ones, cursed to forever live a life in darkness. But she went against her nature; she fell in love." Cute.



Gushi's tale was so immersive. What an ending.



We're going to chop up Gushi's body. Our survival is more important to us than the sanctity of his corpse.

"But you think of Mother, lying beneath the moonlit waters, blood gushing out from her head. If you can't live for yourself, how about living for her?"

The motif!

Great and immersive action scene vs the taotie. Kudos.


"Don't bother trying to solve this riddle. No matter how you answer it, you'll be wong."

A bit of a typo here! I'm just going to assume the riddle is saying that it doesn't matter what I pick, I will visit the taotie king anyways. Lol, never mind, it isn't a typo! That's funny. The answer is in one of the options, if you read carefully. :)



"I used to be so naive, as the earliest legends have foretold. Humankind, in all its wickedness, turned me bitter. But it was in this bitterness I found the truth: revenge is always better than forgiveness. Cruelty always triumphs kindness. Remember that and you'll succeed."

Hmmm, questionable indeed. Revenge is fine, but I think there's such a thing as constructive revenge. Where nobody is actually hurt, such as proving someone wrong. : )



"Cruelty leads to survival, and kindness leads to death."

Very true in this story. And in real life too, to a degree.



Chapter 4: Spring's Suffering

Chapter 4 is very action-packed; I'm enjoying it a lot so far. ""Zhu, let me tell you one thing: If you're going to spend the rest of your life pining after a woman who doesn't love you, then consider this a mercy kill.""

Facts.



"Father's blade pierces through skin and flesh, opening a gaping hole in his heart, puncturing blood vessels, coating the wooden seats with blood."


Viscerally descriptive, but super well written and easy to imagine, kudos.



"the animal walks over to him and smashes his skull in." Damn, he must have been mean to that horse :(((



Yeah, chapter 4 is definitely the darkest so far. Very gory. We're ruthless in this chapter.

The commander stating himself as the one that killed our mother is a great way to heighten the emotional stakes of the battle.



The battle with the commander is very emotional; you did a great job of 'not just making him another bland background character'



Oof, I get Aixin's reaction to be honest, I'd be a little bit unnerved by Longyi too if I saw that.



Spring's Contest:



We have to stop the little girl from stealing the crown, if this decision leads to another bad end, I swear lol



You do a good job at beautifully describing little moments which immerse the reader, such as in the following: "You tug at the neckline of your own court robes. It took nearly a full day for you to arrive, but only because you had to stop by Hua Palace, under the Eighth Emperor, to steal some royal clothing. It's a nightmare, trying to ride a horse with heavy swaths of embroidered cloth dangling from your shoulders."


It's something that most would completely overlook, but it's so seamlessly integrated into the wider scene without it being forced or out of context, good job.


The matchmaker page does a great job of preparing us for the later romance scenes with Shixian and at the same time deepening our bond with Longyi through her insecurities and later her acceptance of her beauty. She comes to find herself beautiful.



"The pair of princesses are sent away together. Concerningly, they don't seem to mind, even though you later find out they're half-sisters."


Lol, sweet home Alabammma.


We are NOT kissing Yaoguai, what if Shixian finds out what we did? It would break his heart, that's not fair. We're killing him.



Probably one of the most gorily descriptive fight scenes in the story so far, also probably the most satisfying but at the same time regretfully overkill!


The story is only getting better the longer it is going on, to be honest. The intimate talking scenes with Prince Shixian are so well written, the sense of shared vulnerability of opening up is palpable and so is the romantic tension generated from that vulnerability due to this, their intimate talks have definitely been my favourite part of the story so far.



I feel like Shixian is somehow complicit in our parents' deaths? And toward the end of the story we have to decide to not be so "cruel" at least that's my guess.



Chapter 5: Autumn Agony



Damn… I wish we chased after Aixin. Oh damn, not the letters, you're gonna fuck me up. Yay, we got Aixin's bracelet at least, that's cute. We shall never take it off.



"You've got no one to live for and no one to lose."

We have Shixian!!! Silly girl she is.



"The elderly monk sighs, his long beard dragging across the ground. "So we thought. But you see, revenge isn't virtuous. It's selfish, and rather than restore balance, it only leaves destruction in its wake.""

Some philosophy for us to ponder upon! It only goes deeper too, the allegory with the black and white pots was really touching and a great way to impart some of your wisdom into the story.

A lot really happens in the 'leave the temple' page, not only do we get a very intelligent and wisdom-filled allegory seamlessly integrated into the plot, which shapes and develops Longyi's philosophy and perception of self and reality, we likewise get glimpses into her being so exhausted with the revenge, so exhausted, realising it will never be enough, that we get the first glimpses into her character beginning to shift into one of acceptance.


"Aixin died because you taught her the false notion that cruelty is the only path to happiness. And because you weren't there for Mother, she was murdered and drowned. What about Father? If only you had convinced him to stay home, he might still be around today."

Damn, that hurts.



"Most of the royals are threatened by their half-siblings or parents. Yet, with slight amusement, you watch as a boy who's barely older than twelve faints at the sight of his pet rabbit."



Awww, bless him.

Ming'xia is twisted as fuckkk. Most sinister person in the story by far.

How is the prince sleeping after being pushed off the cliff? It was never implied that he was asleep when Ming'xia showed us his pet rabbit in the cage. I'd say that was a bit of a plot hole, it would make much more sense for Longyi to have some sort of monologue explaining he may have knocked himself out on the fall or something.

The 'Attack them' page is one of my favourites so far… all of Longyi's insecurities around her inability to defend those she holds dear are laid bare. Very emotionally intense page.


"Mother, you were the one who told me— Oh… right." Sighing, he shakes his head. "I didn't mean to slander him. You should know there's a reason for his actions. I once heard he cannot stand his father's attitude towards women, and to him, if someone isn't the perfect soulmate, they're not worth marrying for all the riches or alliances in the world."

BIGGEST green flag, we're marrying him.



Chapter 6: Goddess' Blessing

Fuck, wtf, Did I call this plot twist in a previous chapter? I can't remember, but I'd be so conflicted. I know he was only young, and he's a good guy now, but could I get over that? To be honest, I think our mother would forgive him. She was just that kind of woman. I think that would heal my heart a bit. We won't kill him.



Well... I'm surprised by the ending, for someone who's a sucker for happy endings, there's none to be found here. Fuck, what an ending, but it was so poignant, and realistic, after all, there's probably always going to be a rift between you and Shixian after you found out what he did.



Overall:

This was very much a Mystic Warrior story. It delves into themes of romance, forgiveness, revenge, selfishness, and overall the balancing act of the human condition. It's philosophical, deep, well-written. I loved the ending, despite how melancholy it ended up being. I really liked it. It's a STRONG recommendation from me for people who are into a story with a bit of everything and are okay with a story without a fairytale-esque ending. It was amazing, thank you for the emotions, and the memories. If I could id give it a 7.5, but since that's unfortunately not an option a 7 will sadly have to suffice.

I'm totally not forced to write a proper review or something like that and I should've written it anyway. Nevertheless, one fact that I do like is that the setting was so well established. From the poetry to the cover image, it screams like a Wuxia Chinese inspired story to me. I have a feeling that the author is quite knowledgeable about east Asian culture; for example you got the clothes description down to a T. In a way, the east asian-esque setting does make the story stand out even more amongst the west-European medieval fantasy schlock one has to comb through in the CYS fantasy section. It's quite refreshing to read something new for once.

The prologue (with the death of the protagonist's mum) also set up pretty well the overall tone of the story. The palace and everyone in the vicinity can and probably will kill you in the story. Trust is something very valuable not to be easily given and danger is lurking in every corner.
The backstory also explains why the protagonist is very closed off and so distrustful towards the prince, which gives their relationship some good tension.

Oh, you once mentioned that you didn't think you've improved at all since Dreamtruder. Well, I have to say that you're very wrong haha. I gotta be honest, one of the biggest personal gripes I had with your previous stories is that the side characters were so much more interesting and gripping than the protagonists you write. They always felt a bit like a blank slate (sometimes it can be a good thing, but I think that Dreamtruder would have been more interesting with a more defined main character).

Well, when I finished In Moonlit Waters, I was quite surprised how memorable the protagonist was. I read it quite a while ago and I still could summarize what she had to struggle with (be ruthless or be kind in the contest, prioritize winning or prioritize the wellbeing of the loved ones you still have). Behind her insanely good combat abilities and cold exterior lies a very broken and lost person who's clearly still not over the death of her mother.

Although most of the story is pretty linear, I do think that it's quite interesting that the reader can basically choose how to develop her character. You can for example choose to kill that guy like she has been ordered to or let him go in one of the early chapters (emphasizing her kind side or bringing out her ruthlessness). The best part is, is that these kind, but hard action have future consequences in the game (when you meet the noblewoman who gave you the assignment again, she'll try to kill you when you've let the man go.) I was honestly quite surprised about it when I read it for the first time. It was my first "oh shit moment". Very nice work.

Unlike some other folk, I like the puzzles quite a lot. The one that I like the most is probably the chinese numbers, one of the puzzles that fits so well with the setting (the tea one was also a very enjoyable one). None of the puzzles felt too hard or frustrating, which is quite a surprise to me since I usually suck at puzzles and since I had quite a dramatically bad playthrough with the hunted and haunted Halloween.

Overall, I like it. More people should read it. Why hasn't it gotten 50 reviews yet even though it's a featured story game.

This story is good.

It almost makes me jealous, even. It's a story of revenge told well, and it picks a style and sticks with it. You're given choices that are outside the standard game over, and choices you made before can impact later scenes.

Ah, also the mystery that is present is one that'll keep you hooked. Something important was taken from the character, and you can play this revenge tale straight with wanting to get your revenge. The protagonist is strong within realistic parameters, and you have to be smart with your choices to keep them in the in-universe blood-filled "game" or contest that they find themselves in.

I liked the ancient Chinese flare that was given to this story. It's like you're in one of those epics of China, and hell, you are. It always feels like the stakes are escalating as the mystery that the protagonist seeks to unravel slowly does begin to unravel.

Also, the option to either play with the puzzle mode toggled on or off is appreciated. It's a welcome addition, because I know how much you love your puzzles with the last story-game of yours I've experienced.

You've done well in making a bloody revenge story that still seems to have this tasteful air to it. Maybe it's because of all of the stylized poems and such? In any case, this is a strong entry to the contest it was submitted for, as well as another story-game that can be considered a mighty fine addition to this website as a whole.

Seriously, I really enjoyed the prose that you've decided to go with for this story. The images that were also used help with the atmosphere as well. The imagery was done well enough on the strength of words alone, but it was just another aspect used to elevate what I was reading.

If you're a reader that likes stories of mystery a driven protagonist, and even hints of romance, well this is definitely a story that pays off all of those things well. It's a story that pays to be completed in its entirety.

Kudos, Mystic.

very good story

This was an amazing story! I like the values, and I also appreciate that you get to choose whether or not the main character ends up in a romantic relationship. (my rating is: it will bring you enlightenment)

Finally got all the endings/paths (at least I think)

I definitely need more time to process the whole story. But I figured I'd archive the fact I fully beat the game now. The heavy use of delayed consequences makes me question if I missed something (as some choices don't actually seem to effect anything). But aside from that I really liked the idea...definetly is a nice treat on my first few playthroughs!

idk how to end this so...yeah...thanks again for good story! Cheers! ;)

First Impressions #1:

I've been reading this story very slowly...because I've been enjoying it a lot. Like every time I got a death ending I'd stop the story for a bit and return to it again from the begining. (Though most of the time I'd make the same choices again.)

I just got my first ending (Temporary Emperess...though in this case it might still be a death ending).

Needless to say this is one of the best stories I've read on this site. It inspired and touched me...and I used it as inspiration for when I was doing the contest earlier.

At some point in the future I plan on reviewing this story more in depth...probably after I get all or most of the endings. But I can say now that as a first impression I don't have a whole lot to critique. The presentation is really good...to the point that it would almost be easier to talk about the content of the story itself rather than its execution. (Though I can see what you mean about the ending being rushed...but your probably very aware of that by now)

So yeah...this is essentially a glorified "good job" post...but it only felt natural that would come first in the pecking order right?

All I have to say really is...

Thank you for writing this! It meant quite a lot to me! :D

This is a beautifully written story about a part of the world I'm pretty familiar with. The story reads very authentically in the style of traditional Chinese epics and is just a nice experience throughout: the puzzles are fun, the characters are interesting and this story stands out as one of the better tales of this kind on the site :)

That was tricky!! I enjoyed it.

I liked the prose. I liked the riddles. I liked the characters. I liked Liu's character arcs. I liked the early choices clearly impacting those later in the game. I liked the overall message and theme of the story.

Chinese Hunger Games was pretty rad. Glad the first Wuxia story I found on CYL was so good.

Great quality! Like every entry you’ve made for contests. You truly are a mystic warrior!

You work very well with puzzles, and the chapters page was delightful, too. You have a creative mind.

I played a couple of times, but couldn’t get to the last couple of chapters. Congratulations on the many different endings, and nothing unnecessary or annoying. All the variety in this story is well thought out.

Amazing work, now I must go back to trying to defeat it

Good story. Well done.

My first thoughts reading this story are that the prose is very nice. Certainly, quite a lot of work went into the presentation. Readers must take the time to appreciate this. The use of language is fresh, sometimes pleasantly inventive, and engages my senses. The editing is careful, and the prose is easy-on-the-ear when read aloud.

The early text is superior to the latter text. While editing checked for spelling and grammar errors, it did little for bloated or unclear text. I was halfway through this story when I bothered to look at who the author was, the very same who wrote Dreamtruder. This is remarkably better in multiple areas. For one, the dialogue. This author is working hard and improving at the craft. However, I’m going to spend some time discussing some areas that really need to be hammered out.

Writing is not concise, but before I get into that, I’d like to mention a counterexample. I need to be clear here, forgive me if I’m not. We both know that it isn’t always easy to lead the reader into understanding precisely what you mean. There are some details that don’t necessarily advance the narrative, but are very charming. Mistaking oneself as a monster due to mud and moss was one of my favorite moments. It serves a greater purpose though, it engages the senses and helps us see the character as the world might see her. However, there are numerous passages which drag on far too long, and are of little consequence. In other words, the reader’s time is being wasted.

“Summer’s sun and moon… you instantly think of day and night. That indicates you’ll have to survive a summer day, which isn’t so bad, given your knowledge of starting simple fires and distinguishing ripe fruits from unripe ones.”

Let’s look at this passage. What about those skills was so important to tell the reader about? They are for one, very dull, and secondly, hardly related to surviving a single day in the summer. This is not a cold place. There is no reason for her to assume her fruit knowledge is in question. What if the sentence was more concise, human sounding, and cut information not useful or interesting to the reader?

“Summer’s sun and moon…” you consider those words and conclude, “then it will last for one full day.”

This is fewer than half as many words, and includes all the same pertinent information. Preferably, every sentence has intent. More preferably, every word has intent. When the protagonist is in a life or death situation, why would her inner monologue run as it does? We’ll look at another,

“The hiding part is still strangest to you. Do these soldiers wield such immense power that even attempting to fight them is against the rules?”

Why, why would she think this? What about them being powerful or not has to do with fighting them being part of the rules? Their immense power might make fighting them impractical, but against the rules? Her line of thought is odd, and inconsistent with her strengths. She should have been thrilled that the contest played to her strengths, namely stealth.

There are many wholly inconsequential lines, meaning here that they do not build the world, the characters, or advance the narrative, distracting readers from key details easily lost in the prose. By the second chapter I couldn’t keep together exactly what was happening or why. I had a general understanding of the narrative and the characters, but found myself rereading pages trying to work out numerous details. As the story progressed, the sense of reason deteriorated rapidly. The entire winter contest is one illogical moment after another.

My original grievances with this section ended up running very long, so here is the summary, excluding several details. It begins with the protagonist knowing something the reader doesn’t about the monsters in the snow. A few drops of blood hit the snow and we are told that the monsters will be there in “seconds.” The protagonist hides. Not long later the protag finds herself standing, unknowingly over a wounded noble in a shelter of sorts. We learn this through the following text:

“I’m Gushi, the eleventh prince of Feng Palace. Pleasure to meet your acquaintance.” There’s a pained gasp at your feet, then he continues speaking. “I’d stand, but you see, it’s not easy to do so when there’s a gaping hole in my abdomen.”

This is some incredibly alien dialogue. This is the description of Gushi that follows, “… he’s a squirming mess of blood, flesh, and intestines…”

Gushi not only formally introduces himself in this state, but goes on to casually tell a lengthy myth. This text shortly follows the beginning of his tale, “You gasp, Father’s sword forgotten by your side. All that matters now is this riveting tale.” All that matters? This man’s intestines are playing peekaboo with you. But sure, his story is all that matters. He’s only two or three lines into the story. Don’t tell the reader that his story is riveting. It really isn’t. You must engross the reader. Do not ask the reader to pretend such a thing.

When the prince dies mid story this is the following text, “Gushi? Is everything alright?” You walk towards him, careful not to step on his bloodied body. “Please, wake up! You have to finish the story.”

No. Everything is not alright. Again, intestinal peekaboo. This man is experiencing massive hemorrhaging. Screaming, groaning, going into shock, and dying are par for the course here. This is an insufferably stupid thing to say. Even more ridiculously, after casually listening to his long story, the scent of blood suddenly matters again.

As such, the protag is going to bury the body… “It’s a sensible option—doing so will mask the stench of blood for slightly longer,” We had seconds earlier, but now we have all this time. Then, some things change and protag has time to cut up the body, then go outside, gather vines, covered in blood mind you, desecrate a body, then go looking for the monsters because they couldn’t find all this blood… It really does go on like this, but due to space and spoilers I’ll cut it short. It’s an ongoing problem.

The writing is often unclear. Often the inferences readers are to make are left too much to interpretation. Those inferences need to be accurate to interpret the text as intended. One example that comes to mind is when the imperial commander is shot in the face with an arrow. That’s it, the reader should assume, he’s dead. Then, we are given the option to stay and question him. He’s alive? And questionable! That’s news to me, nothing in the text made that clear.

The author would benefit if their focus was on clarity, concision, and sensibility. All manner of devotion and discipline are present, but not these skills. Keep writing and mastery will draw closer and closer.