Player Comments on Legend

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain some spoilers, so I implore you to read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

I like the minimalist description here, it conveys the tone of the story without giving too much away. It reminds me of End's description for TPTVTD.

As for the first page, the story starts in the middle of a fight scene. I love that the first sentence moves the plot forward while characterizing Vladnil, and at the same time, is a poetic, well-written line. Another great excerpt: “He bled and fell and died, and that was his tale, a story ended before it had truly begun. Shame.” It feels particularly fitting as this is a story about legends and attaining greatness.

The rest of the page is written exceptionally well, too. Normally, when a story focuses too much on description, it slows down the pace. This isn't the case here. It propels the story forward, supplying details to paint the scene: a battle of bloodshed and beauty between two legendary figures.

WRITING STYLE

The narrative is filled with personality and the language feels alive. I could honestly gush about the writing for a long time, like how carefully chosen words are repeated for impact (while creating a distinctive writing style too). Italics are employed effectively. Then, there's the personification of words like fate. Not only is it the driving force behind this meeting—more than the characters themselves—but in this story, it's also the eyes of the death-god.

And, as per the title, there's a recurring motif of legends. It is interwoven into the story to influence Vladnil's thoughts and actions. Short sentences are used to emphasize some of his titles and significant words; sentence fragments highlight the brokenness of his condition when describing the pain he felt and his fingers nearly torn apart. Even the extended metaphors of war being a gamble fits the nature of this battle so well. Amazing mastery of language here.

Maybe if I had to nitpick, there is the tendency to over dramatize events and descriptions. Everything being so significant makes the whole story lose its grandeur after a while. Still, perhaps this advice does not apply to this particular story, as it's an epic tale of a legendary nature.

Another suggestion would be focusing the descriptions on what matters most to the plot. A piece of advice that stuck with me is that good writing is like a window (or a window pane, can't remember which). Of course, it'll be great to have a pretty, well-constructed window, though it shouldn't distract from the view it's meant to show. In this case, the view is the story. At time, the blend of abstract and concrete imagery made it difficult to distinguish between what was imagined and what actually happened in a scene. There were brief moments where the writing—bordering on purple prose—dragged parts of the story for longer than it needed to be, though I have to excuse it because the writing is so, so beautiful.

There's a cadence and rhythm to the words on the page. “The King of Krieghold watched, topaz eyes wary even if not weary.” Anastrophe gave the parts of the story a poetic and lyrical tone. Any English or Literature teacher would have a field day with all the literary devices used. Little bits of character are conveyed through phrases like “how ironic” and “how interesting”.

“A hero and nightmare constrained within the mortal limits of a single man.” - This is an amazing way to describe Vladnil.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

I love the inescapable tragedy that awaited Vladnil the Red Hand Slayer. It's almost frustrating, knowing that in this moment, even if he were given the choice to live it all over again, he would always choose death. He's characterized so well that his beliefs make it impossible for him to do otherwise. Backing down is not an option; defeating his immortal enemy isn't something he's capable of either. Brilliantly done.

Depending on the first choice, the King of Krieghold might either live or die. This sets up the stage for the story to follow. Either way, the narrative shifts towards the two twins, the would-be legends. They are character foils. While both of them are supposedly somewhat immortal, but not quite, they exist somewhere between ‘human' and ‘god’. Azaera chooses to remain logical and unaffected by emotion, seeing herself closer to ‘god’. Conversely, Azrael sees himself as more human, and therefore allows himself to experience feelings. It's a nice touch that she calls the king ‘creator' whereas he calls him ‘father's. Ironically, he is the one with the power to see different possibilities, where she does not possess any such superhuman abilities.

In Azaera's branch, there's good characterization. She's portrayed as someone who wants power and purpose, but has been unable to receive it. Yet, she still loves her brother, as she doesn't want to give him up in order to attain this. But the story just ends there. What is set up to be an emotional plotline, where she struggles to choose between sacrificing either her need for a purpose or her bond with her brother, just…ends before it begins.

Then, there's Azrael's branch. He becomes more god and less human as he absorbs the power of the healing stone. But he undergoes something of a corruption arc; what started as a noble quest to learn about magic led to him sacrificing everything to master the art. Even his sister. Interestingly, they seem to have swapped beliefs, though it's realistic given their journeys. But if I'm being honest, this scene seems out of place here. It's something that should be placed at the end of a story, after some buildup, as the consequence that occurs after the character decides to give into their misbelief during the third act.

In the other path where the king dies, the siblings disagree on whether they should avenge him. Azaera, who thinks they are more god than human, believes they ought to fight; Azrael, convinced this is a sign of their mortality, says otherwise.

The conflict between them is executed well: their child-like nature is reflected in the name-calling, but they are also siblings, hence would never go so far as to break the bond between them (they only did so in the other path obedience obedience to a parent is a different matter entirely). Despite this, they let one another feel their ‘emotions’ as a way of annoying the other because they did not get their way.

Edit - looks like this story has been edited since I wrote this review. I'll return to add in the next part (and replace this review after I complete an updated one).

This storygame has spectacular writing and characterization, but it doesn't feel complete. Maybe it's because all of the themes and character arcs that have been established here likely lends itself to a larger story. If it ever gets expanded upon, I'd love to explore this world again.

Didn't expect much considering its length, yet the story as is, holds its own quite well.With intriguing characters, interesting plot and impressive writing, this was easily one of the best entries I've read, prior to creating this account.

When I call the writing impressive, it's not only about the writing style or structure, it's also about how the writer managed to paint a full and vivid picture of the worldbuilding without info dumping in sections of the story, letting the reader have a good grasp of the world around the characters without making it feel boring.

---Story---

The story could be summed up as a beautiful dance of emotions, blades, life and death. It opens up with Vladnil's very soul singing of his love for battles and gambling with death, seeming utterly fearless and invincible in the field of battle, knowing no equals... that is, until the moment he comes face-to-face with the king of Krieghold. Based on his choice, he will either die as an ordinary man, or live as a legend.

Either way, no matter which branch the reader goes through, the POV will always shift to the heirs of Krieghold, who, just like their 'creator', are made of stone, yet only one of them has inherited the king's powers, which will indirectly cause their separation further down the road, if the king is alive.

I really liked the depth of the bond shown to be shared between these family members, in spite of them being, essentially, highly intelligent rock golems. In spite of being created from the same material and sharing the same creator along with a telepathic link, the siblings contrast each other in everything. That includes their opinion on how "human" they are, with the brother feeling as close to being a human as he can be, while the sister rejects humanity or human traits, seeing them as a weakness and imperfections they can't and shouldn't have. Yet it's interesting how on branches where either or both live for hundreds of years, they hold the same opinion as the other had, all those years ago, after the battle between the King and Vladnil.

Though the story holds its own, and could be considered somewhat complete, it feels more as a prequel. I feel that the distinct mystery of the ancient magic could be further explored if the author decides to do so.

---Structure and Branching---

It's structured in evenly matched paragraphs, not too long and not too short, to make reading it as easy as possible, even for the Tiktok generation.

There are no grammar errors, at least none that were noticed and the pace was just right, neither too fast nor so slow that it dragged the story out.

As for the branching aspect, it had a good amount of branching, shifting between protagonists, from Vladnil, to either of the siblings. You will need to replay several times, to explore and find all the endings.

---Characters---
So, there isn't quite a 'set' protagonist here. One might think, Vladnil is the one, considering how we met him first at the opening, but, then there are Azrael and Azaera who are featured in the latter half. Let's just say that they are the main characters' of their routes/branches.

---Ending thoughts---
Would really like to see a further expansion of this game. It was the first work I've read from this author, and I really enjoyed it. Will be sure to read their other works whenever I have time to. I give my thanks to them and all the other authors for gracing us with their talent in writing.

The first thing I noticed is that the first sentence is a run-on sentence. But what a sentence! I loved this first sentence, because it was so compelling:

"Swords locked together, the melody of steel against steel ringing in his ears as adrenaline flooded his veins, a gamble with death, Vladnil the Redhand was only truly alive on the battlefield."

From the author's critiques on stories, I already had a good idea of how they like to write, and this sentence, with its beautiful imagery and the powerful impact that it leaves on the reader, exemplifies this mindset.

If at all, you are looking for a great way to begin a story, I would point to this sentence because reading it, I'm compelled and intrigued.

Throughout the first page, there are more examples of this compelling and descriptive language discussing the battle that really drew me to the story: "an endless scream", "shadows drawn in blood", "the whirling cry of the death-god", "hearts strumming a dangerous melody".

The lore and world-building that this author used is first-rate.

Overall, the writing is incredibly poetic and evocative of an old world, of a harsh and frightening world where might makes right. There's less dialogue but more descriptions on the character's mental state, and surroundings. It's challenging to read through because at times it gets really poetic and dense, but it's worth it because the writing is just so beautiful. I love the idea of this man willing to fight someone who can't be killed because that's in his nature, to die on the battlefield with an undying spirit for conquest and battle(in the first path).

The story is really short, and is essentially a story that looks at a character's choice, whether he wins a battle with an incredibly powerful foe, or loses. After that battle, the story shifts to focus on the king's children. If Vladimir wins, then the story is a bit longer, but if he loses then it's cut short.

I would give this one a 6/8, because I really liked it and thought it was cool.

Difficult to read. Broken sentences. But magnificent in scope and its attempt to portray a land of magic, heroes and stone gods.

Another Mizal story! This one had a good fantasy vibe with a good plot, characters and interesting events. The branching was pretty good and the writing flowed very fluently over the story which was good. It wasn't overlong so the story didn't lose interest for the reader, a pretty fun adventure overall.

While the writing lacks the maturity of a seasoned scribe, the story itself, namely pace and visuals, is superb. There's no wasted time or words. Just story and story advancement. With more time honing the craft, I'd be interested to read another piece, one that shows the writing keeping pace with the author's ability to pierce the reader's imagination.

The connections/references to other paths within the story were neat, gave me motivation to read more (and having things be connected throughout made the story fit together nicely).

I'd say there is a good amount of branching here, and from the endings I did read the branching came across as meaningful as well.

I do wonder if there were plans for more, as is oft the case with contest entries, but as the shorter paths didn't feel incomplete, I can only speculate.

Good work getting across the feeling of a large and complicated setting, really fit the title, aha. Reading more than one path doesn't take too long (due to the heavy branching splitting up the word count) and it does go a ways to making the setting feel fleshed out (I didn't notice any inconsistencies).

I wonder how many characters could be classified as damned, and how many as shamed. Good work!

It not bad, but nothing crazy either 4/8