Player Comments on Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: the Stirring of the Legendaries - Part I: The Beginning

Wow! I sure did enjoy the choice to either continue the story or else restart it from the beginning, found on every. single. page.

This story belongs on fanfiction.net, CYS was only holding the author back.

(The actual writing was pretty decent considering the author was likely young in addition to being a newbie, and I liked that things actually happened in the story and were written out with some level of detail, but it really does feels more like someone wanted to paste over their fanfiction without bothering to add choices. Also, that title lol...at first glance I thought this was Will's parody game.

I am very happy you have written this, which in many ways is a sequel to my story Pokemon Adventures, Part 1, Chapter I, Section A, The Start of the Beginning :D

Your writing style is good but the story is so linear it's not really a multiple choice adventure at all, it seems more like you are telling us a direct story. Branch out more, try not to write in parts, put in a few more characters and work on the plot development, I know Pokemon is not the most realistic thing in the world but as Bucky said the main character seems to develop rapidly for no apparent reason :)

Extremely linear. But better grammar than I expected - still not flawless. Why does Arkios go from being craven to brave without any real character development? Why didn't you address why the player character was turned into abpokemon? If you pose a story question on page one, it needs to be addressed in the story. And, no, part two doesn't count because this isn't really a complete story. Write your full story as one game, not a series of linear games. The options are so limited in scope this isn't really a CYOA in the first place. The story lacked details in key scenes, and there was a lot of telling vs. showing going on.

All of that said, the writing itself wasn't terrible for an inexperienced/young writer. Check out some writing tips and drills in the forums, and I'd be willing to hedge that you could write something decent if you took the time to plan out a true multi-path story and didn't rush.

Better if you make it a normal fanfic instead of a CYOA.

Like dude this was totally epic man

It's fine... I guess...
It's kinda bland, really and needs moe options, but yeah. Okay.

good

Really linear and you can’t finish unless you get the good ending. Which is hard because there was a “leave” link on about 10 pages in a row.

2/8.

The writing itself was of good quality, especially near the fighting scenes. It stayed true to the atmosphere and energy of the series I remember watching as a child. It sometimes even made me chuckle Like at the sentence below. It works because the story doesn't take itself too seriously.

'Whew! If you read all that, I salute you. I almost didn't bother to write all that!'

Although I didn't like the main character. Finding himself a pokémon, he throws himself into helping the first pokémon he encounters and, at times, even forgets the fact he is not in his own body, something normally quite shocking.

While the title should be a hint, the sudden end without any closure left a bitter taste in my mouth and highlighted the lack of a solid plot. So while this was successful as a fanfiction for fans of the series, I did not like it as storygame per sé.

Nice! The writing and dialogue was great, and made me want to read more!

As many others have said, its very linear.
If there were a little more choices,or the leave option was a bit different (leading to something that makes you (the "main" character) go a complete
different direction from the original games,that would of been beyond awsome.

Anyway it was very good for a new writer on this wonderful site, so yea.

Great story, lengthy and rich. Better than expected grammar. Great overall.

cool

I think it needs more choices.

This took waaaaaay too long to finish. I kept on having to restart or go back.

As a huge PMD fan, the descriptions were a nice trip down memory lane. Despite the terseness, I got a pretty good mental image of what was going on.

That said, the story is very linear and it mostly copies the games without doing much that's new. It feels more like a retelling of the games than a CYOA game. The pacing is also a bit fast in places.

It was good!

Not much deciding particularily later on, also shouldn't we be able to choose gender.

please continue asap if possible.

that was terrible, there was a forced story that had no sense of actually being able to choose what happens, and even choices such as who you and your partner are have no meaning whatsoever. learn how to write.

awsomeness

ok so I feel that it was boring I mean it's not that it wasn't Intresting or anything it's just that well I guess that I should say that it was hard to read kind of but I have to give you brownie points for originality

5/8
I'd have liked it better if there were more choices towards the end...
And maybe something to actually do with dungeons xD
It was nice though. Really, really good and fun yo read.

I love this game. Please make part 2, I WANNA SEE IT!!!!!

Good job.

Very well done, I always get excited at the beginning of Mystery dungeon, but this, like the game, became virtually pointless (no offense) and boring (again, no offense).

Not very many choices, or story direction.

I used to play these when I was younger, I even made up my own story based off it.
Okay, so the story seems kind of rushed. It should be longer and you should take time to develop the story, and maybe come up with one different than the games.
Lol the part where you said we killed a Rattata with red eyes. He was probably on drugs lol, and I really like how the partner is so timid yet we murder other pokemon lol.
Any ways, keep writing, you've got potential.

It wasn't as bad as I expected, and showed potential, although it was very linear, short, lacking in characterization and world-building and seemed like it was ripped off from Will 11's parody/tutorial.

This content of the story is basically every broken rules made by will1 in his previous story which is (ironically) pokemon too.
Well anyway practice makes perfect. So Go Fight Win.