Player Comments on The Lonely Inn

First off, I just wanted to remark on your use of the first person POV. It's not an easy perspective to pull off when writing CYOAs, we typically see 2nd person POV on the account of the fact that it allows the player to place themselves in the character's shoes.

I do think it worked here, despite being somewhat unconventional, as it feels like the narrator is directly telling us a story of his experiences, and somehow, it has the feeling of an old-school tale. Especially with how he describes himself on the road in the beginning, how it was a long journey fraught with discomforts such as the howling of the wind and dust coating the main character's tusks.

Which brings me to my next point: I enjoyed the unconventional choice of the main character being an orc in this game. To my knowledge, other than Mazkil and Path of Death by Steve, there aren't that many stories that stars an orc as the main character so that was fun. Furthermore, it was interesting that we didn't play the main character, and as a matter of fact, played a completely different character entirely despite the story being about the orc's adventures. Usually, we play as the character around whom all the story is centered around, so it was an odd but refreshing choice to play a different character entirely.

I loved the descriptive language that really places us in the mind of the character; with the way he describes himself on the "hazy border between sleeping and walking" and how the elf was "soft. a creature of comfort, and an incredibly intelligent pansy", the orc is truly a talented storyteller, breathing life into the story and imbibing it with a unique perspective.

Thus, the use of first perspective slowly started to grow on me as I began to see it through the lens of someone recounting their experiences and telling me a story. Especially since our character, that we play from the 2nd POV, later comes into play. This was a great narrative choice since it allowed a sort of one-sided conversation to form between the player character and the orc, so when the player character does strange things to the orc, the orc can directly address the reader, so it feels like we did the thing to the orc.

That was when a "you" appeared in the story, and we find out that we are actually some sort of spirit, an specter that the orc could only perceive as a ball of glowing light, or a "will-o-wisp".

The presence of this strange being in what seemed like an otherwise normal inn really helps frame the picture for what's going on. Setting-wise, I love how immediately, we can tell that something is off about the inn. Everything from the fire that doesn't warm, to the layers of grime sedimented over the neglected table, to the willow-wisp spirit, screams "run away!". Especially when we respond to the orc's request for water with "all our water is cursed."

The strange atmosphere of this inn reminded me somewhat of the hotel from "Spirited Away". I love the idea of an inn or hotel that seems just like ours, but once you go inside, is actually a strange and magical place that is a bit scary and foreboding, following laws completely different from ours as it's literally of another world.

From there, there are numerous ways the story could end, depending on the choices you make as the strange master of the house, the purveyor of this odd inn of sorts. I enjoyed how drastically the story changed, and depending on the choices you make, reveals a lot about the setting.

From reading "It happened at the Waffle House", I already knew you had a talent for writing strange cosmic horror, and odd and frightening scenes. And if you put that much weird shit(like the bloodshot eye god, or the bugs crawling out of the creepy waffle cook's mouth) into a joke game, I can only imagine how surreal, creepy, and fascinating a more earnest story would be. This expectation really paid off in the ending where the spirit chooses to light up the well, revealing what's inside. The reader finds out that the well was actually a beating heart, and the black water was some sort of cursed blood flowing from the veins of the well. That was a really unsettling and hard thing to read, especially when we get to the part where the orc has to eat the heart to survive. The ending was remarkably dark, with the orc suffering from horrible nightmares. I especially enjoyed this sentence: "Recently, it's been even worse. I sometimes hear their voices calling to me and telling me how to bring them to life. Sometimes I find myself listening."

After the cursed well, the idea of this strange inn somehow attacking or doing strange things to the orc becomes a sort of theme for the rest of the work. The bed burns the orc alive, and the water curses the orc by forcing him to listen to strange schizophrenic voices in his head. I loved the writing used to describe the curse, especially the "syncopated rhythm" of the strange voices.

The horror writing was sufficiently strange and scary to evoke deep imagery in my mind as I read the story. I could almost see the orc tripping and stumbling on the river bank as he followed the strange phantom will-o-wisp as it effortlessly dipped and flew in between the trees. The imagery and descriptive writing was truly on point.

One thing that was odd was how the orc's erudite tone and extensive use of fancy descriptions and vocabulary that almost resembled that of a seasoned bard were replaced with "Me scared when you say thing kill me ded. Me no like to die. Me run away. Me not come back. Every once in a while I have a moment of clarity, but HA HA! Me do thing again wen me rite silly word no make sens. Rite mak me tired. Story over now", if the orc briefly went into the river. I think that suggests that the river somehow made him dumber, since previously he was characterized as "not being like other orcs", so I found that mystery to be further compelling.

Overall, I was left with unanswered questions but a deep appreciation for the strange world you managed to build from this odd cursed inn.

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain some spoilers, so I implore you to read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The description introduces the protagonist and the setting (though that's probably painfully obvious for anyone with eyes, so I'll stop wasting words here). On the first page, I like how the narrative focuses on individual sensory details (the howling wind, the grit of the dust, the chilly night) to immerse the reader in the scene. It also has a nice rhythm to the words: the [adjective/ verb] of the [noun]. Furthermore, it characterizes the protagonist, shows how he is affected by the setting and mentions his unique descriptions.

Soon enough, the protagonist’s goal is revealed: tracking an elf. This gives him an agenda instead of making him a blank slate that's mainly dragged through the plot. He faces some internal conflict as he battles between the desire to go on and the exhaustion that has begun to weigh him down.

I quite like the line: “It seemed to pulse and recede, almost dancing at the furthest reach of my vision.” Not only is it a good example of a verb-based sentence, but it creates the effect of what one might see when the line is blurred between consciousness and dreams.

WRITING STYLE

A unique feature of this storygame's style is its nostalgic, remembering tone, as if the protagonist is recounting a tale. This is cultivated through the use of past tense and phrases like “I remember”, “I would have expected” and “as you already know”.

I was rather surprised at the sudden shift from first person pov to second person when the protagonist references a ‘you’. Throughout the first part of the story, it was all centered on the protagonist's (as the narrator) journey to the house. The prose conveyed his thoughts, the things he saw and his disdain for magic. Then, with the use of second person pov, the narrative focuses on the mysterious ‘you’ instead. The protagonist internally asks the will-o-wisp a number of questions, before recounting its words.

With horror stories, it's important to create a specific tone: tension, unsettling doubt, a sense of ‘that's not quite right’. This story does it well. The first instance is the fire: it produces no heat, but the protagonist attributes it to his own tiredness. But his flesh burned when he placed his hand in the flame.

I find it quite fascinating that at the same time, there's an abstract, ethereal feel. Maybe it's because I'm reading this at midnight, half asleep. But something about the way it is written—the fire that burns leaving no pain, the conversation about whether the cursed wine is poured to be drunk, and the “intense nostalgic sadness” and “intense longing for purpose” that surfaces after drinking the wine. Maybe it's the abstract imagery, or perhaps the whimsical way that magic works, but it's a nice touch.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

The protagonist is characterized by his observations and interactions with his surroundings. His actions make sense: he enters the inn due to his curiosity to find out more about the will-o-wisp, then acts accordingly based on what it does.

The reader gets to choose which response the will-o-wisp responded with. It's a bit of an odd choice, as this story is written in past tense with the conversational tone that implies the protagonist is telling the reader a story. Somehow, it reminds me of Gower's Private Game for Natalie. The only difference is that either answer could be correct. Though with all the constant reminders that the protagonist is half-asleep, I won't be surprised if he either can't remember or is dreaming of this exchange.

In one of the scenes, the orc's longing for purpose is revealed. This establishes his motivation for being so strongly affected by the cursed drink to the point where he submerged himself in a river. It’s a sort of desperation-fuelled act of an irrational mind.

(Spoilers ahead)
“You knew just what to say.” In essence, this is a story where the protagonist addresses the one who is responsible for his torment—or at least, the one who attempts to destroy him. It's interesting how the intentions of the will-o-wisp are characterized from the start: it either offers a cursed drink or no drink, either drowns the orc or simply asks it to touch the water, etc. These actions cause varying degrees of harm, showing that perhaps there's a part of the will-o-wisp which wishes to hold back. At the same time, it's the protagonist’s curiosity and trust for the will-o-wisp which leads to him turning a blind eye to its suspicious acts (and therefore the reader may be deceived into seeing it as something of an otherworldly guide at the start of the story).

“Rite mak me tired. Story over now” — yeah, I'm guessing this is where the last minute contest rush started to affect Petros. That path has sadly devolved into something akin to nonsense and incoherency. Don't worry, so far this review has more of “tell number of good that story is” rather than “rite meen stuff about how story suk”.

On the path where the orc reads the diary and has some context about the situation, the will-o-wisp's goals are characterized. It used to be an ambitious person trying to take on an enemy, only to be manipulated into being bound to it. As a result, it is meant to enslave the orc in order to gain freedom. Then there's the desire (of freedom and defeating this enemy) vs fear (of making the situation worse) clash. This is also present in the path where it can choose to let the orc free by protecting him, even if it will ‘burn’, or choose to equip him with knowledge to eventually gain freedom in some form.

A slight nitpick: the orc is said to be bright many times, both in the description and the will-o-wisp stating that its master wanted a ‘smart orc’. Yet, this is never shown in the narrative. He isn't exceptionally perceptive, nor strategic, nor does he guess the will-o-wisp’s motivations until it is spelt out for him. I suppose his reactions were somewhat smart: freeing the soul of the will-o-wisp or using fire to destroy its master. Still, they seemed like spur of the moment decisions instead of calculated plans.

“It was an odd and anticlimactic battle” - This sums up the main ending well. It did tie together the last parts of the plot, though with the quick killing of what was supposedly the main villain, this conflict was slightly unsatisfactory. Regardless, it led to the author notes and since I like those, according to the author I'm winning.

In the other path, the will-o-wisp appears to be the main antagonist. Almost every interaction that it prompts leads to the orc dying—from leading him to a cursed room that catches on fire, to pushing him down the well. In one of the endings, the orc randomly decides to plunge a sword into the well, bringing himself with it. That's…not very bright.

Either way, I enjoyed the different endings and branches that could be found in this story. Each presented a new perspective to the narrative. It was an enjoyable read.

It comes as almost a yearly habit that I review Petros' work, mainly because he reviews mine too in a pretty consistent rate. (I believe that I never have reviewed the wrath of the Edomite, but all the others are still up there.)

Very experimental narration Petros. I don't know what kind of vibes you want to go for but somehow you made me laugh. (I've also read the author's notes. It turns out I'm right hehehh.)

Comments about route 1:
There is just a kind of lightheartedness about the whole situation. An angry ghost pestering and torturing an orc and all that goodness. The antics are more reminiscent of comedic scenarios rather than than horrifying ones. My favorite shenanigan was honestly the bed option. Making the bedroom so hot that the orc was cooked inside of it and making him afterwards address the reader with such a reproachful tone really does it for me as if he's still breathing and kicking and not being as overcooked as the eggs in a Denny's.
There was also a moment where you pushed the orc into a well where the orc is cursing you out for a full paragraph.

What I really do appreciate is the way you convey the spirit's personality almost solely by the choices you are able to make. Almost all of them feel very mischievous but also very very petty, such as the choice of refusing to give the orc any water vs giving the orc the foulest sewer water possible even by orc standards.

Comments about route 2:
There were still a few things I didn't really get. Most of it comes from the route that leads to the best ending. The uplifted mind really comes out of nowhere in my opinion, I didn't really get the feel that this particular orc was very smart, maybe a bit too calm considering the pretty awful situation he found himself in, but nothing too particularly bright. If he had more brain cells, he would have turned his back the moment the spirit says not to come inside the inn.

The spirit in this route seems to be a lot more benevolent, trying to prevent their master in taking over the orc's body and warning the orc too! Hearing the overarching story in this route surprisingly made the actions of the spirit in route 1 a lot more sympathetic in retrospect. (Poor buddy just wants to start his master's plan and he thought that killing or scaring the orc shitless would be the most efficient method in getting rid of him)

I am pretty meh about revealing the entire backstory with a diary. (Lolol I actually did it too, it's really efficient, I know haha and it helps to clarify things to the reader and relay info quickly. Still, I think you could have added a lot more foreshadowing in the pages leading up to he big diary page so that the reader can feel very clever if they guessed right by figuring it out by puzzling all the clues you've given them.)

I think that this route is a lot weaker in terms of clarity (it took me a few rereads and backtracking to make sense what is happening), but it has more horror elements in it compared to route 1.

I believe the lack of the terrifying feel is mainly because there's not a lot of tension in the story. Through the narration I don't sense any panic in the orc or fear of his own safety. His phrasing feels very blasé and nonchalant to me (perfect for a comedy, not that great for a horror). It also doesn't help that this style of narration makes it feel like the orc is recounting a story to someone else or writing a letter or memoir. (Indicating that he's still alive and unharmed, funnily enough in most of endings he dies in a pretty horrifying way.)

I'm no prose expert, but here is an example of what I'm talking about. The last line with a quip thrown in and again the retelling style. (Telling the spirit that the journey was terrifying or that the strange shadows terrified him or that he panicked)

"Panicking, I raced after you into the woods. The journey from the inn to the river was terrifying. The strange beat that the voices were chanting to was much louder outside the inn, and the long shadows from the trees danced wildly and made ordinary sight absolutely impossible. I saw strange shadows slithering through the trees, and while they terrified me, I paid them no attention because I was infinitely more afraid of you running on ahead of me and getting lost in the woods."

It would probably be for the reader a lot more terrifying if you were to describe HOW and WHAT he DOES and FEEL when he was terrified. I dunno, I'm throwing in cliche stuff out there; when he was panicking: how quick was his heartbeat. Did he stumble. Did he quicken his breath, did it feel like all the air was squeezed out of him? Did he pull at his hair, scratch his arms, question reality? What was he thinking? Did he immediately think that he was going to die.

Honestly you don't have to do all this extra stuff for every tense moment, because it would slow down your story by a lot. However for the scenes that matter, these extra tidbits really help to build up tension in horror stories. (Honestly, you already do a lot in your story. You know, describing the environment, the amount of light, the coldness of the water. The main thing to give it an extra oompf is knowing when or where you can pull out these elaborate descriptions.)

(Of course, you can ignore all of this and look at Sherbet's horror stories again. I don't know how he does it with such sparse descriptions, but the guy does it.)

And the fun part is, I know you are able to do it, because in other passages you do it pretty well, like this one.

"Within a few minutes, I felt pain spread all over my body from the inside out. I felt like I was being stretched from the inside. I could hear my flesh tearing and re-growing inside, while my skin grew even faster, ballooning out and sagging. My body did grow to fill the green casing, however. Suddenly the chains released me. I dropped to the ground and stood to my feet."

And then you quickly ditching all the build up tension by making the orc humble brag during his horrifying transformation lol.

I felt like I could give an ogre a run for his money in an arm wrestling contest. I thought that I might even be evenly matched against some small giants.

It's really a thing I sometimes see here on this site. Believe me. these remarks, very fun, very witty, me like. I like when my media is self aware. However, it can sometimes make your work come of as cynical/insincere when your story is meant to not be a satire. (Marvel also does this stuff all the time now. Having a very heartfelt speech and then one of the characters remarking; wow this is cheesy.) Such things as suddenly breaking the fourth wall in one of the endings doesn't really do it for me anymore after seeing it a bazillion times (especially when there is no narrative/thematic reason for doing so). The monster transformation scène would honestly be a lot stronger if you left out the funny bits. Have faith that readers don't have a big attention deficit.

All in all, I like that you try to do more experimental stuff. It reminds me of me penning down gay and depressed/gay old time, how the narrator addresses the reader and such/or perhaps you stole it just like me from Gower's story lololol. It's a valiant effort, few hiccups, but still very enjoyable, I really enjoyed route 1. Cool to see you again taking inspirations from your southern roots.

I look forward to your next work.

Entertaining.

I thought this was nicely written and well done for a shorter story with limited branching. The main character was well done, and I wish that there was more to his story that I could experience.

I wish there were more choices and felt that parts of the story were very linear. However, I thought it was a pretty well done story and found it enjoyable. Nice job Petros.