Player Comments on The Story of Count Osmond Jorgensen

> Plot
The story, all in all, was interesting. For a story written in a short amount of time, the end result was good, certainly worthy of being published here. I'd give the plot a solid 6/8.

> Characters
Now, characters and character development is important to me when I read and review stories. Sadly, this story lacks in that aspect, with overall flat characters. Furthermore, many of the characters' actions are oftentimes unrealistic or just unpredictable. I feel like more attention should have been put into the characters and their development. I would give the characters and their development a 3/8.

> Background Details
The story itself is pretty good and straightforward. However - and this is forgivable for a story written in a short amount of time - the background details weren't as, well, great. It is certainly good for the time spent writing it, but I feel like the setting and the story oftentimes didn't quite match up at times.
The problem isn't with your details - you nailed that - but I feel like the characters and the plot didn't quite match the setting, and that could get distracting. I would give this category a 4/8.

> Summary
All in all, for a story written in less than a day and with little prior planning, this story is excellent, and I enjoyed reading it. However, character development is an important factor to consider, and always be sure to match the setting with the other factors!
Also, there were certain parts of the story with incorrect grammar or poor word choice, but those mistakes were minor and somewhat unnoticeable. Proofreading is essential!

Contrary to the heavy criticism I am giving, I think this was a great story. I give the story a 6/8.

Oh, and I'd argue that the 'hero' isn't a hero, but that's another topic alltogether.

This is well-executed and artful... mediocrity.

Having read and reviewed all of the other Lone Hero Contest entries, I wanted to come back and give equal attention to this story, which was DQ'd on a technicality. The description looked intriguing, and from past experience I know @Fluxion is capable of a good storygame.

But this was very unsatisfying, on several levels.

First, obviously, is the absence of genuine branching. There are only two choices in this entire story, and both amount to opt-outs, where you can literally commit suicide rather than continue the story.

Considering the complete lack of sympathy I had for the protag, suicide is probably the best possible outcome.

Second is despite the fact the writing is technically competent, the story itself was flawed -- especially in the context of a "Lone Hero" contest. There was no "lone hero," despite the heavy-handed attempt to label one character as such.

A "hero" is someone who acts to protect or benefit others. But the one in this story ***ACTS TO ELEVATE HIMSELF TO NOBILITY AND LITERALLY CREATES AN IMMORTAL MONSTER WHO PREYS ON INNOCENT PEOPLE***. I can't emphasize that enough: there are no heroes in this story, just self-serving narcissists.

So even is this story hadn't been DQ'd for being published / unpublished / published / unpublished / published / unpublished / published / unpublished, as one of the contest judges I would have rated it lowly for not meeting the contest criteria.

Shame is deserved for a talented writer who failed to deliver a better storygame.

Damn it, Fluxion! Why the fuck did you have to republish this so many times? You know damn well that you can play a story even if it's unpublished. You wrote something that, even though it was short, would've saved you for SHAME, and then you fucked it up! I am disappointed in you but fortunately, much less so in the story.

Let me start by making it clear that I enjoyed the story. More details would always be nice, but it managed to accomplish what it wanted to do very well. Love is a very common excuse for villains in fiction; but it is so in real life, as well. So it wasn't hard to feel sympathy for the protagonist despite him being a monster, and think that his punishment wasn't completely justified. Though, tbf, that's mostly because it'll punish the victims much more than the werewolf.

Unfortunately, it feels more like a good shortstory than a good CYOA. There are only two choices, which're very similar. In both of them you can either choose to continue the main path or, y'know, KYS. Each has a slightly different feel, since early on the protagonist will of course have some second thoughts, while later he's lost all hope. But overall, I think that if they were removed, the story wouldn't use much except CYOA status.

But I'm not certain how you could fix that. The protagonist could perform even more evil acts with more gory descriptions perhaps, but that's all I can think of. It's complete, and I like it. I don't think it'd be fair to other authors I gave 6s to to gave it one, but consider it a 5+. :)

The Story of Count Osmond Jorgensen Review:

An interesting story that suffers somewhat from an unsympathetic main character, a cast of not really memorable side characters, a largely linear plot, and somewhat slow pacing. Nevertheless, the plight of the main character, his regret at his wickedness, and the way that he gets ensnared by malevolent people around him makes for a pretty moving plot. In fact, there are some cool elements within this story that take it a little higher.

Characters:

I was able to sympathize with the Count's pain, but at the same time, he really rubbed me the wrong way. We don't see much hesitation in him for his first crime, and I would like to see a bit more of a morally complex character. He's someone whose self pity felt cloying, especially given that he coerced his wife to marry him. That one fact ruined the love story for me.

I did like how Fluxion portrayed his gradual descent from an already evil guy to an incredibly horrible and fucked up individual. The downward spiral was fascinating to watch.

Also, I do think we get a good glimpse into his mind, we get to feel his sorrow and heartbreak as he realizes he was tricked. I think the characterization was pretty good in that respect.

Plot/Story Structure:

The best part of this tragedy was undoubedtly the moment where he turns into a wolf and kills his wife. From a storytelling perspective, there's definetly an element of Greek tragedy in there. I liked how the story stuck pretty well to the structure of a Greek Tragedy.

Let's look at each one, and analyze this story through the lens of the classical Greek Tragedy.

Tragic hero: Count Osmond. A man who has positive qualities, like bottomless love for his wife, and persistence. Many other men would have abandoned her, but Osmond took "in sickness and in health" quite seriously.

He has negative aspects: He is foolish and shortsighted. A reveal that could be seen by the audience a mile away is lost on him.

He is ridiculously arrogant. How could he possibly think the man whose daughter he stole would help him? And how does he even think his wife loves him? He literally fo

And he is selfish, subscribing to a philosophy of "the end justifies the means".

Hamartia (tragic flaw): Selfishness. Everything from him coercing his wife to marry him, to hanging the troubadour, to stealing children has been about him. He can't see past himself, and because of that self obsession, he misses very obvious things happening right under his nose. Selfishness can be a double edged sword, it allowed him to perpetrate unimaginable atrocities, while at the same time leading to his downfall.

Catharsis(emotional release): The scenes where the Count realizes his folly, and we see him experiencing a devastating sense of loss and regret were quite cathartic, both in the greek tragedy sense of the word and the colloquial way we use this word today. I also appreciate that the Count recognized how he was wrong in pursuing her in the first place.

Peripeteia (reversal of fortune): Andraxius tricking the Count into kidnapping the Huntsman's daughter. He finally picked on someone he can't mess with, and that leads to the escalation of the Count's reckoning.

You could also say the moment where the Count murders his wife is an example of secondary peripeteia. I liked how Flux wrote that moment, the way he transitions from the Count finally getting what he wants, happily going to sleep with his newly reincarnated wife, only to wake up in the morning and find out that he murdered her in his sleep by transforming into a werewolf. This was also reminiscent of Hercules murdering Megara and his kids, which further deepens the greek tragedy connection.

Anagnorisis (recognition or discovery): The reveal, the moment where the Huntsman admits that this was all part of a plan. I got to admit, this was really cathartic for me, because the evil count finally got his comeuppance.

Every greek hero has a flaw. Achilles his heel, Hercules's impulsivity, Perseus's ambition. For Count Osmond, it has to be arrogance.

Andruxius's character was shoehorned in as a twist villain. I feel like he came and went, then suddenly was revealed to be the bad guy towards the end. I didn't really like the reveal of how he manipulated everyone from the start, it felt a little bit contrived. Also, I wasn't a fan of how the Count suddenly realizes that Andruxius was the guy who initiated everything.

I liked the Huntsman's backstory, of how he fell in love with a nymph and persuaded her to help him with his revenge. There's also a theme of man vs nature. The Count killing the wolves could be a metaphor for how man takes from nature, and the nymph being instrumental in the Huntsman's revenge is almost like nature fighting back.

Length:

The truncated length made many events go by pretty quickly. Particularly, events that I felt should have been dwelt on a bit longer happened a little too fast for my liking.

Branching:

The branching was limited. It works well as a short story, but I would like to see the branching used to flesh out more settings and characters.

I didn't really like the branching as much, and even the secondary branches didn't add too much to the story. After reading through the main branch, I wasn't feeling too keen on exploring the side branches. But, they help with the moral dilemma feel somewhat. As well as the progression of the Count slowly descending down a downward spiral staircase of evil.

Things I would like to know more about:

Andruxius's plotting and scheming. How he managed to keep her in this half-life, his motivations, maybe a final confrontation scene.

The nymph.

The Count's reign and what he was like during this period. We see a glimpse, but it's passed over pretty quickly.

Overall: 5.5/8.

Interesting premise, but way too linear.

I enjoyed the story, it was nicely written, but felt a little too linear.

Jimmy approves this story, 5 dead wolves out of 3 evil huntsmen

It left an impression on me, enjoyed it.