Player Comments on The White Face

Well, you put some time and effort into it. That's obvious.

But I really feel like parts were lazy and thrown together, as if you felt the need to publish it right away and rushed some of it.

I really love and hate the story at the same time, because there were few choices and somewhat abrupt endings, but at the same time the writing was very good and I would want to read more from the author.

And while the choices were few, there was quite a lot of reading. This makes the storygame more story then game, and that might take away from your ratings a bit.

There were also grammar errors, and not just one or two. Closer proofreading is gonna help you a lot in storygame writing.

Like DEP said, expand. Add more branches and overall choices, and this storygame could be much greater then it currently is.

I'm gonna say 3/8. I hope you take this constructive critisism and improve your writing :)

Even though the paragraphs were large and I see you've spent some time writing, the many grammatical errors make it look like you rushed. Take your time, develop the story more, and remember to go back and edit. It's an excellent idea, but there's room for improvement.

goosebumps, you are a good writer. You need to spend some more time expanding your storyline before posting a story though... There isn't much of a story here, you just go to the water and check out a ship and then the story ends after you do one or two things.

Go to the ship, shoot someone, die - this is not a story.

Go to the ship, shoot someone, barely escape, lead an raid on the white-man, battle ensues, win or lose the battle, the after effect of the battle - this is a story.

Expand on what you have, and what you will have is gold.

Different...

Not much story in it, to be honest. Choices are few, and mix to that too short length.

Sorry, but boring. 3/8.

NOTE: YOU MIGHT WANT TO ASK SOMEONE TO PROOFREAD YOUR WRITING FOR ERRORS IN THE FUTURE. GOOD LUCK!

Not very entertaining.

I got one good ending, and one bad ending, a goodending of great flexibility, and a bad ending of certain death. It was too short, however. And failed my expectations greatly. I gave it a 3 however, even though it was short.

Kinda cool, but really short for me, and it wasnt that interesting.

Cool. I bash someone in the head, and then I get hurt "badly". This seriously lacks detail. Please add some more detail.

It was okay, very short, maybe a bit longer and it would be a pleasant story

This is the most short story I've ever played through in my entire life.

It was okay, but far too short and didn't really go anywhere. Spelling was bad. I didn't really see the point of posting something so basic. Add some depth to the story and it could be good.

It's way too short! Can you edit it? I think it'd make a good story!

It's way too short! Can you edit it? I think it'd make a good story!

meh, ok. the writing was good, but it's really short
4/8

... So the warrior went from America to Europe... On a row boat? ... Sure, why not? :p

at least it was funner then HW

3/8

All right, I guess. Could be better. And longer.

Karma is not a Native American thing.

good?

It's a good concept but I feel like it needs to be fleshed out more.

this was shorter than taking a pee. it seemed like a good idea but not enough effort put into it.

Could be an interesting story, but there are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors, and the story is too short to really get into, even after I tried several paths.

The story telling wasnt too bad, but I found two major errors in it.
1. Instead of saying "you are an indian", say "the afternoon sun, hit your brown skin and warmed you" or something.

2. Its bordering on really really really cliché I've Heard Little sparrow quite enough. Also the term is first nations not indians.

The writing style (especially the end game) is a lot like the classic CYOAs. There's definitely the potential for a good story here, but it's undermined by grammar/spelling errors and game glitches.

You need to fix up some bugs that are in your storygame. I can see this has potential, but you'll need to make sure it works before you publish it next time. Every ending should have an "End Game/Leave Comments" link.

Nice story, but incomplete actually. Also, what Native American tribe are these guys?

I'd rather it have an end-game link when you win.

It seems like a really good idea, but there are a few links that just lead to new pages. If you click to go tell the chief and then get on the ship, the two links on the bottom only lead to dead ends where you have to just go back or else you're just stuck there. Try and test out your story and make sure all the links lead to somewhere where you can continue or just end the game.