Player Comments on When Rock Meets Watermelon

When Rock meets Watermelon Review

This is my first goodnight review, but I wanted to pay her back for the wonderful review she left on my story, “Gay and Depressed In Prison.” I figured that I owed it to her to at least review one of her stories, but she’s got a delightful enough repertoire of stories that I will probably have reviewed all 3 of her stories by the end of the contest deadline.

I started reading this a while back, enjoyed it, but never finished it. But I always knew I would come back to it primarily because I had really enjoyed the path I had taken, and I wanted to see the whole thing through.

I enjoyed the straightforward nature of the first page. Contrary to the novel style narration, where we get introduced to the world the character inhabits and the character themselves through narration and gradual worldbuilding, here everything is laid out for us in a very straightforward manner, with an emphasis on easy readability. I like the way that goodnight lays everything out on the table, and I think the storyline seems pretty good. I found Yule to be a little bit annoying in the beginning though, primarily because he had already made up his mind that Rock and Watermelon would be a bad fit. He sounds like the kind of meddling friend who creates a lot of chaos and damages your relationship, because “he knows what’s best for you”. While I won’t deny that his reasoning makes sense(and I like how goodnight lays out his reasons in a very straightforward manner, primarily because they give us insight into the world that this story operates in, and because we get to understand the kind of person that Yule is), I do still feel like he’s overreaching. Which is why, going into this, I was really hoping that true love triumphs and over the course of the story, Yule realizes his error and changes, deciding to support the couple in love. But since the prompt Goodnight chose for the contest is “Write a story about saving a friend from a disastrous relationship”, I am forced to conclude that Yuletide’s actions are probably for the best. But we’ll see, as I am writing this review over the course of reading this story, so hopefully, a happy ending for the 2 lovers is in sight!

The characterizations of Rock and Watermelon, while simple and on-the-nose, work well for the story. I loved the integration of various character quirks, like Watermelon’s disastrous ability to not be able to take care of her plants, Yule’s love of nature and your friendship with her, and Rock’s position as the champion of the army(“the flint of the arrow”)

The way you write is also quite charming and kid-friendly. Like Mizal and some of the other commenters have said, I did notice the overwhelmingly cutesy names like “Watermelon”, “Cocoa Lire”, “Rock”, and “Yule”, and I was a little confused why a girl named Cocoa Lire would have a nickname like Watermelon, but it adds to the charm of the story. Not to mention, the story progressively gets darker, with some bloody and often violent deaths, so don’t be fooled by the story’s overly cutesy and wholesome cover. It’s a solid fantasy story that doesn’t hesitate to briefly explore some darker areas, although it’s still kid(or maybe tween)-friendly, because the deaths/darker scenes aren’t too graphic compared to more mature stories on here. I think the story isn’t overly light or artificial in how wholesome it tries to be, so I think it is a great introductory fantasy story for young kids looking to read some interesting stories on the site.

Even though this story relies heavily on the reader being willing to read a lot of lore before it really hooks them into the narrative, if you are willing to read through all the lore, you will find a really interesting and well-thought out world. It’s not overly expansive or detailed, but it’s very charming and interestingly thought out. There were a few details that actually made me smile with how cute they were(“As everyone knows, cats are afraid of cucumbers”), and I love the matter-of-fact tone that Goodnight takes throughout the story. The world also seems quite friendly and wholesome, with picture perfect rulers, like the High Queen of Spring, who rules by the principle of “forgive and forget”. I also liked how Goodnight names the kingdoms after the 4 seasons, that was very cute and thematically appropriate, since the kingdoms display many of the same traits as the seasons, so it’s very self explanatory and fits well with the rest of the story.

We receive a lot of useful and relevant information about the different races(humans, elves, and dwarves), and as a whole, the story feels like a high-fantasy story, placed in a similar world like Lord of the Rings and Eragon.

There are a great amount of choices in this story. Clearly, goodnight planned this story out quite well, and I love how much the narrative can change. For completionist readers, it’s going to take some time to backtrack and navigate all the different branches, because there felt like there were so many ways this story could go.

I feel like some of the combat scenes could have been improved. I do think they felt a bit sparse, and hurried. The physical comedy mixed with the clumsy and chaotic nature of combat, sets the scene quite well, and is fun to read although I feel like it could have been a bit more immersive.

Throughout the narrative, goodnight relies on simple, easy prose that has a nice rhythm to it. It’s engaging and fun to read, and she doesn’t put too much text in each page, giving the story a light and breezy feel. I think the prose could be a bit more rhythmic and expansive, to fit the epic fantasy feel, but one trade off is that the kind of writing I’m talking about can be alienating, and the style of writing goodnight has utilized has its strengths in that it’s very accessible and easy. It meets the reader on their level, and I also like the snappy pacing goodnight has on here, although I do feel that as she writes more, she may want to linger on some moments some more for extra dramatic tension and giving the scene the weight it deserves.

Worldbuilding is definitely the story’s biggest strength. I feel like goodnight writes like a seasoned dungeon master, creating incredibly vivid locales, and placing her characters in worlds where they have to travel a lot and experience different places throughout the kingdoms. I also like how she describes each character, taking a moment/short paragraph to give us details on their hair, how they look, and their general countenance. The scenes are also very imaginative, and I have a feeling that this story would do very well as a spoken-word, DnD-type interactive adventure, as even the narration style brings to mind the DnD style, where the narrator is directly speaking to you, giving you the necessary information you need to make your next decision.

Some of the choices could stand to be a bit more relevant to the story, because at times, there were some encounters where we were sort of just shopping at the mall. But they also can lead to some accidental, and comedic deaths. Death scenes are well utilized here, bringing a sudden end to our adventures, and I liked reading through them because they were short and in some cases, quite random and unexpected. The funniest(and most random) one was when you meet with Rock, journey to the Winter Kingdom, and have this encounter with a random gnome. You call a gnome a pervert, and then the gnome casts a water charm on you, causing you to die in a scalding death. It was pretty hilarious, because I was so confused by the whole scene and the randomness of dying to an offended gnome in a random bathroom. Good stuff.

I feel like some of the scenarios felt a bit contrived at times, and I felt like Rock was a bit too trusting for instance, to just hand you the key. It also feels like the good guys help you out a lot, with almost NPC-style dialogue as they deliver dialogue happily. But it’s no real biggie. Some of the scripting/continuity felt a bit off, particularly since at one point Rock gives you the key, and then much later, when you meet him in the cells, he lunges at you and asks you what you’ve done with her. I thought Yule and Rock were cool with each other after that first conversation, but now Rock is acting like he’s never seen you before, making no reference to the previous conversation. Of course, it’s possible that I missed something, so I’m not going to hold it against goodnight. Also, friendships/allyships happen fast, and I did feel like there was inconsistent pacing at some parts. Some parts that were fast could stand to be lingered on more, and other parts that drag a bit could stand to be sped up more(the journey to where you meet a bunch of different characters, I enjoyed it, but I do feel like I would have liked to see even more hurdles Yule experiences once he’s actually in Winter, as opposed to when he’s getting there, but I could be totally off base here so feel free to ignore me)

But all that pales to the emotional impact a few scenes had on me. I really liked the scene where Watermelon and Yule reunite(as friends, mind you), in the winter path. It was pretty sad, and this line was quite good: “Never before have you heard Watermelon's voice so... broken.” I also liked that Cairn was a good guy, and the fight scene that follows, where you and Cairn fight Maera, was super cool. It gave the storygame quite a game feel, with various options of spells you could choose. I enjoyed playing pokemon as a kid, so the various element-themed spells reminded me of pokemon moves. I would have liked more rationale as to why some spells worked and why others didn’t, but I loved the variety offered.

Fayre’s turn from villain to hero was cool. I expected him to be a major hurdle for Watermelon and Rock’s union, but he seemed surprisingly enlightened and chill. The use of items plays a role throughout the story, but especially in the endings. You really got to pay attention and pick up the items, using them to their fullest to get the true ending.

Overall, I enjoyed this story. It’s engaging and replayable, providing hours of fun for young kids. There’s a lot to unpack here, and the story seems deceptively simple and short at first, belying the unexpected but surprisingly wonderful breadth offered. The game element is balanced well with the story, and the worldbuilding is truly delightful. I liked all the characters, everyone from Rock, to Watermelon, to Yule, to Cairn, to Maera, to Fayre all play a role in the plot, and I like how Fayre was actually kind of nice. It’s a good story to playthrough, and one that I would give a solid 6/8 too. I would definitely recommend this for a first time story, as I think it will ease readers into reading some of the more complicated and expansive CYOAs, and at 25k words, it’s at a very decent and respectable length. Good work, goodnight, and I look forward to reading some more of your stories.

Prompt 35: 'A story where you must save someone close to you from a disastrous relationship.'



Initial thoughts



The story starts off very straightforward, giving readers a quick and concise overview of the worldbuilding. Usually, I'm not a huge fan of pages dedicated to world lore, but in this case I think it fits well with the author's focus on readability and simplicity in storytelling.



The writing style is simple and charming, and I seem to be offered quite a few choices once I arrive at Verdant. I'm curious to see how much branching there is relative to depth.



Items and Branching



I was pleasantly surprised to see items being utilized, and I realized that the multitudes of choices were there so readers can visit every 'clue' or location. I haven't seen that kind of game in a while, so it's quite a breath of fresh air.

A main concern with stories that utilize this kind of mechanic is that it's unclear when to use the items, and at times I didn't realize when the items were usable. Most of the time, though, it was clear to the reader when a item can be used to progress in the story.



The next concern I had with stories that offer multiple visitable locations is the amount of branching, and while it was less than I originally anticipated there was enough variety in choices and ending that the story felt complete as a cyoa. Props to you, Goodnight.



General feel and writing style



The story, in my opinion, focuses on simplicity and charm of its fantasy worldbuilding, with straightforward location names such as Verdant, Summer, Winter, etc. and endearing and sometimes wacky character names like Rock and Watermelon. Contrasted with its conflict of true-love vs political and cultural restrictions, I can see this also being family friendly enough for children to read.



As mentioned before, writing style felt quite easy to read, which is a plus in my eyes for the goals of this story. Not that it doesn't have its moments of more complex and well written scenes, as well. There is a good blend of very decent writing.



All in all, quite an enjoyable read. It certainly contrasts against some your later work, Goodnight, revealing an impressive range of writing styles.

The short version: this game is loaded with charm and worth anyone's time to take a look at.

I had some small nitpicks, mostly involving character motivations and realism which is a subject I am particularly autistic about, but the overall effect was such a pleasant one. I enjoyed exploring this world, and some instances of really good writing mixed in didn't hurt either.

But let's get this out of the way: both "Watermelon" and "Cocoa Lire" are distractingly silly names. Distracting as in any time either would pop up in a sentence I'd have to stop and mentally make the "really?" face. Maybe some of the others were silly too, but compared to THAT they were barely noticeable.

I thought it was very strange that a member of the royal family, with a crest identifying himself as a member of the royal family, was in a bar with no guards, being mocked and threatened by random lowlifes. (He also seemed surprisingly open about sharing details of his lovelife with some random commoner, even before he knew who you were.)

I thought it strange also that the first and only option for trying to speak to an army commander, was to sneak into a military base and into his tent in the middle of the night, instead of like, at least TRYING to send a letter to try and arrange a meeting.

"Treason" also, as I've mentioned, may not mean what you think it means.

But the game is full of some really nice bits of writing as I said. You have a way of setting a scene and creating atmosphere with just a couple of lines, whether it's about the reddish sunlight seeping through cracks in the walls, or the deathly silence of a shadowy pine forest.

The characters too, all of them were brought to life in a believable way even though many only had the briefest appearance. (Watermelon herself might have ended up the weakest of the bunch. I did get a clear idea of her personality, but a lot was just summarized to me as things my character already knew rather than being imparted through interaction. My first playthrough I didn't even get to speak to her before events moved forward.)

I'm not sure it's entirely clear in the early investigation choices that you're meant to do all of those things, or all of them in order. The first time, I decided to have a drink and then the more efficient option of talking to Rock directly; he gave me a clue about searching the library, but of course by then it was too late to do anything with that information.

I ended up liking Rock quite a bit, but still, I have no idea why he handed me the key to the Winter barracks. Because that might have been ACTUAL treason.

I had a sense the ending confrontation was a bit rushed. Maera and Cairn's drama sort of came out of nowhere, and Cairn made sure in the middle of the confrontation to spell out to her in detail this info they both already had. It was however, very satisfying to pick out the most effective spell, and have it work immediately to flatten the bitch. Although it makes the route with all those superfluous items sort of pointless (and I'm unsure why one route let you poke around the town as you walked through, and the other did now) I did like the way items were used here as a general rule. Not many games bother, and even fewer use them well.

Death by malicious goats was very unexpected, but I mean it shouldn't have been, you warned about that right there in the description!

Other than that I reached a neutral and goodish ending, and then the true one. Given Fayre was pretty meh on the whole idea of marrying Watermelon in the beginning, I was surprised his heartbreak was such a thing in the epilogues. But if the seven you mention don't involved deaths, I've still got some poking around to do, I know I definitely haven't explored every option yet anyway.

It's possible this review came off more critical than intended, I realize most of this is just nitpicking. As I commended the game, you can see that I liked it quite a bit, and found it pretty wholesome and heartwarming overall.

I expected actually something way worse from you based on your short story entry, but it's actually quite good. Quite surprised about it. It seems like you invested all your efforts into this piece.

I like the central conflict which is between the prospective marriage of life and Rock, an elf and a human. Interspecies marriage is in this world frowned upon, so yeah, very bad news for that couple. Especially the beginning scenes and ending deal with it quite competently.

However, I kind of find it doubtful that this scroll about a previous elf human marriage was just lying around in a library haha. Plus the middle part felt a bit dragged on where you explore the town. Normally I like those kinds os stuff, but it's gkind of weird to see a character who's in such a hurry bum around so much.

Oh yeah, one tiny nitpick: the names are a little bit too kiddy in my opinion. I laughed a little when I realized that Watermelon was a friggin name and yeah, thought that I would get used to it eventually, but I didn't.

Overall, surprisingly good take on your prompt, engaging beginning and ending, not-so-good middle part. Keep it up, Goodnight_a!

This story was written in a really nice and highly readable style with interesting characters and situations. A good and fairly original use of the Fantasy genre :)

Genuinely funny, with a thought-through plot and rich writing

Expected a short story about a young witch persuading her friend not to go along with a marriage, what I got was long adventure story that ended in changing the marriage law and saving a village from a pack of wolves. Surprising, but not unwelcome. Reminds me of that one young-adult fantasy series by Sarah J Maas.

Overall it was not bad and delivered well.

Pretty good story. The writing was pretty good, ranging from elegant and memorable in parts to strange word choices in others. Some things could have been done better, but small errors are expected for a first story, like prompting us when to use items and telling us what would happen if we didn't, which I felt was too heavy-handed and took away from any puzzle-solving aspects, instead of just letting us use the items when we wanted to and otherwise offering us the base choices. The story overall could have used more polish, in particular the middle part. Especially vexing were the random deaths and bizarre discrepancy between being a resourceful fantasy RPG main character in some options and other options where I act like a bumbling idiot. Why wouldn't I just cast a nature spell instead of getting killed by goats? Despite that, this story made me want to read more stories from this author, especially when not constricted by a contest prompt.