Nightwatch, The Dramatist
Recent PostsI Make Your OC's! on 1/22/2021 4:09:07 PM
Would like critique on a comedy WIP on 1/10/2021 5:51:58 AM
I'm not sure I agree with how you're going about being blunt and unenthusiastic. It ends up being a bore to click on anything that immediately accomplishes nothing and returns you to the previous list of options, with only one correct option that progresses the game. It's also disheartening to encounter an option called go to McDonald's and be told you don't like McDonald's, as the player (who controls the character) wanted them to perform an action and was overridden with the narrator essentially saying "your character wouldn't do that".
I'd just describe things apathetically instead, e.g. "the drywall is dirty per the usual, and unfortunately, the grime doesn't look edible". There's a decent description for a boring object, and when you describe enough things like that, you quickly get across both apathy and hunger in the character's thoughts.
You mention humor, but I don't see much. You could improve that. Apathy can be shown sarcastically as in the previous example, which would help. Situational humor works, like finding out you had molded twinkies in the opaque layers of dust behind a shelf, and maybe you could eat around the edges. Whatever you figure out, but definitely work on the humor.
(100 word stories) Just a short thing on the spot on 1/7/2021 4:57:14 AM
The experiment's repercussions were sublime.
Iridescent blobs bobbed freely in and out of existence throughout the decks of the ship. The observatory was completely swarmed. In minutes, the ship would be little more than an incubation chamber for the proto gods. Maneuvering around the dead, Lieutenant Fraan reached the console, slamming out a call for help and watching with horror as he fused to the controls.
~ ~ ~
Yuth swiveled towards the blinking distress signal. Great, more paperwork. Coordinates: far away. Resolution: fairly complicated. He stared at the screen and sighed, reaching for a cup of coffee.
The official report mentioned nothing.
Headaches on 1/5/2021 5:30:31 AM
I like the idea. People created human-like environments for their AI experiments, hoping a sense of individualism would develop, then came in to harvest them for business. It's well set up to lead to other things, it has a twist, and it raises an ethical concern.
There are a lot of problems with the execution, though, like starting off with an alarm clock. The whole morning routine is a cliche best forgotten. It's full of things that only make sense for humans in this case, like rolling out of bed while asleep, splashing water on the face, eating organic food, and having wrinkling around the eyebrows. The cliche of staring into a mirror and reflecting is done too early for the reader to care; it'd be better to mention how empty the fields are when Daven goes outside, and how he looks at the sunrise on the horizon, scanning for imaginary robots, come to take away his parents.
Most of the issues after the morning routine are inconsistencies between actions and thoughts, starting with the comment about WWIII and corn. It would've been interesting if the story hinted that there was a 3rd world war and giant corn could've prevented it, but it's a fully hypothetical comment made and discarded. The ship the humans arrived in was described a bit too much; you want to provide effect for the reader, not delve into specs. When Devan encounters the humans, there's an inconsistency between his mental assertion that humans all have "consistent, uniform tones" and him shouting THAT'S MY HOUSE DAMMIT. There are other small things to work on, but this is enough to start with.
IFDB Outpost on 12/30/2020 2:50:02 AM
I can count the number of ratings for any individual game on my fingers, so it actually helps to take the 10 minutes out of your life it requires to make an account, poke a game you like and rate it. The best stuff on CYS deserves preservation and it'll help with exposure for the site, so it's considered a good thing. If you can't commit a rating on behalf of CYS, what chance do your New Year's resolutions even have?
Back in Quarantine on 12/29/2020 2:51:35 AM
You say second quarantine like the first ended. Ah, but it's perma-quarantine over here. It's all cool because I'm starting 2021 with foreknowledge of this site, putting me a healthy four months ahead of 2020. Art, too. I had all of 2020 to piece together a solid socially-reclusive schedule and I'm looking forward to obsessively reading and reviewing to replace that hole that used to be a social life!
Just signed up on 12/28/2020 7:06:05 PM
Welcome to the site and hope you have a good time. You can check out the stories on the front page for some decent games, or contests for directed story writing. If you can write competently enough to get published, I'm sure whatever story you write here would be a decent addition.
Hatter's Sketchbook II on 12/24/2020 3:41:27 PM
I love the number of references in this! Really made my day better. (And so many frames, too. I actually had to click a button to see the last two frames. Hope nobody misses those because they're great.) Have a cozy Christmas.
Lar's poetry on 12/20/2020 2:21:10 PM
Drats; how did I forget that one!
And it's such a great political commentary, too.
Lar's poetry on 12/20/2020 1:08:14 PM
The much-cherished site bot that most people here probably don't know exists is in fact very good at writing poetry. Better on some days than others, but that could be said for anyone! After binging the entire list of day-by-day poems he lovingly generated, I've put together a small highlight reel below, along with some commentary.
The old days were great
The new days are just a dream
and now, I won't sleep
I can't sleep tonight
He has come to steal my life
I, I just can't sleep
Painted from black stone
On the ground in the desert
Seed and stones spill out
You say to yourself
"How many kids could this mean?"
and "what is the word?"
We need a big smile,
We don't need it any more
I'm an idiot
A man is just as
He is with me: in my chest
His words are of course
There's blood all over
the bed, like a pool of blood
She just runs away
I was a virgin
I had sex with the devil
It wasn't easy
The snow is always
so cold, I'm not expecting
I never liked you
I love you, but still I just
need money to fuck
I'll make you drink me
I'll show you why you need strength
I'll do it again
Gathering the winds
Crying out the rain for you
and then the wind blows
There are a few interesting ones in there that I couldn't bring myself to omit; this site if anywhere is the place to put them. I'm numbering them left-to-right, top-to-bottom (so poem 2 is the one that starts with "the old days are great") in the commentary below.
#1: Nice imagery, think they're hurting/choking themself. The hands on fire is symbolism for the difficulty.
#2: Can't enjoy/experience new days. Comes off as depression since it's not edgy enough to be suicide.
#3: Hypothermia can make you feel warm when severe, so line 2 is accurate. And then there's the other interpretation.
#4: Included for literary repetation with I, I. It's a good style.
#5: Double meaning based on paying attention to line breaks vs. not.
#6: Imagery and life. People seed farms and build stone structures, so could be civilization.
#7: If the shadow of the dead is death, and if it's sleeping...
#8: Order 66
#9: This 'mistake' of going from 3rd to 1st person reveals the author is talking to themself. New meanings just by tense switching.
#10: Anybody working in retail or fast food, especially salespeople.
#11: Sucks to be drowning in blood
#12: Double meaning
#13: Nice imagery! The way ", too" is casually appended makes this so apathetic. Really lends personality.
#14: Well it could be a murder, but it could also be something that occurs every month.
#15: The street is noisy, but nobody's talking. Reminds me of the Sound of Silence by S&G. There's also a boring interpretation.
#16: Just for its "what the heck" factor.
#17: Nicely worded explanation for one kind of bully
#18: Snow could be a lot of things here, but generally relationship
#19: Difficulty upfront, payoff at the end. Author is going through a difficult time but also learning
#20: It's a haiku about being a hooker. What more could you ask for?
#21: Ah yes, that happens a lot, doesn't it.
#22: Not even going to elaborate on this, to save the kids. As if they aren't effed up enough to understand it wholly anyway.
#23: Nature and people just need to get along, and the author's on board. :)
#24: Big sobby break-up, but nice imagery. Let it stand for the many break-up ones I skipped over.