ToughPenelope, The Wordsmith
Recent PostsThe Afflicted on 4/15/2019 3:25:06 PM
Ι don't wanna waste your time but if you could that'd be great.
The Afflicted on 4/15/2019 9:48:17 AM
I read the short story you posted and I found it interesting so here are some thoughts.
The title you created was very catchy itself. That's what made me read it in the first place. Well, the beginning was lovely. I believe it was the part i enjoyed most about the whole thing. I loved the way you wrote the first two paragraphs. But that is when it starts becoming a little bit confusing. You start describing the serfs and what they did. I think you should have focused on that part. What was the mysterious language and most importantly, why were they chanting it? Or why did the parents let their kids hold weapons? I realize that it's fantasy and you might wanted to add a bit of mystery to it by not writing what all that stuff was. But it's indeed confusing even to a mystery lover like me. I suggest that you at least just describe the scene more, like their feelings or what expressions the kids had since you are so good at describing, in my opinion at least.
Furthermore, the noble did not do anything extremely awful for a kid to become a murderer. I mean, he just made the serfs give him most of their earnings and work the land. Why would a child kill him for that? The older people woudl be obviously furious but try to kill him?Again, you might wanted to leave it a mystery. Or perhaps it just showed the violence of the era it was set in.The ending was okay but it was a bit abrupt.
Anyways, I loved the vocabulary and as I mentioned above, your way of describing situations is great
I hope you appreciate my thoughts and I also hope I wasn't too judgemental.
Yo on 1/25/2019 12:11:22 PM
We're meant to be together
(I couldn't resist, sorry)
On the Christmas Eve on 12/26/2018 1:03:37 PM
On the Christmas Eve on 12/26/2018 12:49:32 PM
Oh, it's that obvious? I am Greek.
On the Christmas Eve on 12/26/2018 12:40:15 PM
Ah, thank you both for the reviews. And thanks @undr for that long review even if it's dead.
To be honest, I didn't actually think that you people would like the translated version but I wrote it and put it there anyway just in case...
On the Christmas Eve on 12/26/2018 7:24:22 AM
Here's a tiny story I wrote for little children, for fun. It's kinda rushed but it's definitely a boring little Christmas tale.
Once upon a time, on a Christmas Eve, a little child was anxiously waiting for the next days to come. His name was Brian and he loved eating chocolate. In fact, he was so into it, he wrote a letter, asking Santa Claus to bring him as much chocolate as he could. His parents were so happy their kid had found a hobby! Little Brian hated vegetables, fruits and all kinds of healthy food. He was an only child, so his parents did all the favors he asked for. Sometimes, the other kids in school made fun of him because he was so fat and greedy. But Brian laughed and said "Give some chocolate for the needy!"
So, on this Christmas Eve, Brian was so excited because he had made the most incredible plan ever! On the next year, he would eat as much chocolate as possible. He had heard of those Guinness records and he definetely wanted one of them. He daydreamed for a while sitting on his bed and later he fell asleep. In his dream, he saw some awful things. He saw people getting sick, he saw hospitals, prisons and every horrible situation he could ever imagine. He watched people suffering. He just stared for a bit but then...Santa arrived! Brian ran towards him and told him about all of the things that he had seen. But Santa smiled enigmatically and told him "All of the things that you saw, actually happen in real life. All people should get informed about that and help each other in every way they can. Being greedy isn't one way to help, is it?". Brian thanked Santa and started thinking. The next day, he woke up. He ran into the living room, waved at his parents and saw his stocking was full. He opened all the presents, toys and clothes happily. He found a tiny box underneath all those presents. He opened it and found a small chocolate piece. Then, a little paper fell onto his hands and he read "From Santa. A little bit of chocolate doesn't hurt though, does it?" Brian ate it and spent a wonderful Christmas with his family without the need of eating chocolate all the time but reminded he should help people more often. Giving his presents to the poor would be great. He had the time of his life when he donated his presents afterwards witb his father. He would become a great man.
Hi! (Not the most creative title, I know.) on 11/17/2018 10:15:12 AM
Hey 'cupcakitty' and welcome.
I feel like being nice these days so I'll leave the rest to the others!
greetings to all storygamers! on 11/17/2018 7:26:40 AM
Hey Rory, can't wait to read something of yours...
Although Fantasy is usually my choice, I would give your storygames a try!
Howdy! on 11/6/2018 1:40:34 PM
Hey, welcome. I'd like to read a piece of story of yours, there is a chance I'll like it !!