(This is something I wrote and performed for a school project. It is meant to be entirely satirical. Please enjoy!)
Student:
Teacher, there's something that's been on my mind for a long time. What exactly does it mean to 'believe' in something?
Teacher:
I'm afraid you've come to the wrong person. My cold-hearted and cynical nature has long since robbed me of the ability to believe in anything. You would gain more referring to a dictionary.
Student:
Oh, please! You must know more than I do!
Teacher:
Alright, alright. Tell me then, what is your current definition of 'belief'?
Student:
Believing.. is something that comes from deep within the heart; something that you can't quite understand, but you know, you just know it must be true! It means being faithful to something you have no proof of, against all odds, and against all naysayers!
Teacher:
Well, there is at least one thing we can both agree on.
Student:
What's that?
Teacher:
I must know more than you do.
First, you defined believing as, 'something you can't understand, but know is true'. We could both agree that 'to understand' means 'to know', yes?
Student:
Yes.
Teacher:
Alright, so let me get this straight, you say that believing means knowing and not knowing at the same time?
Student:
Correct!
Teacher:
Incorrect! You can't know and not know something at the same time! That would be a paradox! We do not deal in paradoxes, we deal in cold, hard facts. Paradoxes are for poetry, not philosophy. Next, you describe belief as 'being faithful to something you have no proof of', right?
Student:
Yes.
Teacher:
Student, do you believe the sky is blue?
Student:
Of course!
Teacher:
Then you would be sorely mistaken. The sky is quite obviously yellow!
Student:
Err, what? No, it's blue-
Teacher:
Are you sure about that?
Student:
Well, I mean, I've always thought it was blue. I could go out and show you right now!
Teacher:
Aha! So you say that you believe the sky is blue, because you have visible proof that it is blue, right?
Student:
Yes.
Teacher:
Well, I think that speaks for itself.
Student:
But what if I had never seen the sky before, and believed it was blue because I'd been taught that it was? Then I would believe without having any proof.
Teacher:
Then you would be a gullible moron. Why trust someone else's word when you could see it for yourself?
Student:
Because they're someone I respect, and must have more knowledge on the subject than I do. Why shouldn't I trust their word?
Teacher:
I will demonstrate my point. Look over there! The highly elusive and never-before-seen invisible land-squid! Right behind you!
Student:
[Looks] Wow! Amazing! What a sight to behold!
Teacher:
Wrong! There is no squid, you have been duped!
Student:
What! How could you do this to me? I trusted you!
Teacher:
Exactly. I could be filling your naive little mind with lies and you wouldn't even know. I could tell you that you were a dog and you would believe me. I could completely deconstruct your values and convince you that your entire life has been built on falsehoods and you would follow me without a second thought. I could slowly and meticulously torpify you, bending your perception of reality to my very will. After all, what reason do you have to not believe me? I am the respected and all-knowing teacher, seeker of knowledge and provider of truth. I could never, ever steer you wrong. Isn't that fun?
Student:
[Coughs]
Teacher:
I will take that as an affirmative answer.
Student:
Huh?
Teacher:
Moving on!
Student:
But I was just-
Teacher:
Something can't be true just because you believe it to be so. Unless you throw psychology into the mix!
Student:
Oh boy.
Teacher:
The more a person believes they will be sick, the more likely they are to be sick. The more a person believes that they are tired, the more tired they will be. However, no matter how much a person believes that they are smart, this does not necessarily make them any smarter. How can that be? My reasoning for this lies in the power of suggestion and whether or not the result is something that occurs internally. Intelligence is something acquired first outside of the mind, and thus is an external process. Likewise, believing that the sky is yellow does not make it yellow, because the sky is part of the world outside of you. But what if the person is color blind and from their perspective, it is yellow?
Student:
Then I would say that belief comes from one's perspective, a subjective truth!
Teacher:
I'm disgusted and appalled that the very notion of subjective truth had the indecency to pass through your mind and seemed plausible enough that you actually formed the words with your mouth and breathed them in my direction.
Student:
I'm sorry.
Teacher:
No, no need for apologies, I'll just shred your argument to pieces again. If two men come across a box, and one believes it to be a large box and one believes it to be a small box, they can't both be right. Either one is right, or both are wrong. However, what if the man who believes it to be a large box is actually a very small man and the man who believes it to be a small box is actually a very large man? Then you might say that they can both be right, because from their own perspectives, they both are. However! What if a third, average-sized man enters the room and sees the box as an average-sized box. From his perspective, the other two men would be wrong. However! What if all three are actually wrong and there is no box! Perhaps these men are just alone in this room staring at the empty space in front of them and deluding themselves into thinking there is box to judge the size of. The question is, what is our reference point for objective truth? Are all three men still correct because they think there's a box there?
Student:
No?
Teacher:
Of course not! That would be madness! The actual truth is that there is no box, no room, and no men, because I made it all up. Do you understand now?
Student:
Actually, I think I'm even more confused. What does any of this have to do with what it means to believe?
Teacher:
Everything. It has everything to do with it. If belief comes from perspective, who's perspective do you trust? Your own? What if your perspective is wrong?
Student:
Then I guess what you believe would be wrong as well.
Teacher:
And so, I believe we've reached our conclusion. Nothing is real and everything is meaningless.
Student:
Yes.
