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An Emotion-Provoking Hook...?

7 years ago

I was wondering how could one gather the attention of players on the first page without having extremely unnecessary text.  The more I read what I wrote, it seems quite vague and unexplained.  What do you guys think?  Is it confusing and unnecessary?

 

Blood drowning like water and limbs snapped like branches.  Drowning and snapped.  And yet, there always seemed a desire for more, a sickening burning need for bodies upon bodies to line the street, crushed under the rubble of their own homes.  They wanted to see children caring for their parents, and to see the parents burying their children.

And for what?

They claimed to live, to fight, and to die for the people--a cause justified by the needs of the citizens.

An Emotion-Provoking Hook...?

7 years ago

You're running into grammatical problems which make this confusing, mate. Also, while brevity is good, excessive brevity is as bad as excessive length.

Did you mean Blood Flowing like water? Limbs snapped like branches is the wrong tense to pair with blood flowing. (e.g. Flowing and snapping or flowed and snapped).

Seemed a desire is also too vague, try something like 'And yet, the insatiable hunger for _ stayed strong'

How can bodies 'line' the street while being hidden beneath rubble? If they're below rubble, how do you know they were lined up unless you personally lined 'em up and then buried them.

Children and Parents was an interesting line, but I didn't understand what you meant by it - did the 'people in power' want kids to take care of their elders yet be so weak / malnourished / whatever that they'd die, or was something else the intention?

'And for what' somehow feels like a pace breaker here, we've barely gathered narrative steam in the first stanza before you through that interrogative in.

Again, who are you referring to as 'they?' How is their cause justified.

Once again, you have an interesting premise, but you'll need to work on your grammar before we'll be able to appreciate it better.

An Emotion-Provoking Hook...?

7 years ago

Ah.  Thanks.  I've always been having troubles on beginnings and hooks, for I always feel like they need to be perfect in order to draw in attention.  But I also don't want to quite give too much away.  Would you suggest this revised version to contain more detail?

 

Blood flowed like water and limbs snapped like branches.  Flowed and snapped.  And yet, the insatiable hunger for violence, a sickening burning need for bodies upon bodies to line the street, and the unseen ones being crushed under the rubble of their own homes.  They wished to see children caring for their parents, and once the tables turned, to see the parents burying their children.

"It is simply war," many say.  But, those who die, forever destroyed under the bearing weight of their cause, do not die alone.  They have chained us with them, but only they have the keys to the lock.  If they go down, they pull us along, however, if we are the ones to fall, they simply unchain us.

And for what?

They claim to live, to fight, and to die for us--a cause justified by the needs of the people.  We are all on the same side, are we not?  Rebels?  Loyalists?  There is no difference at all!

But many still say, "it is simply war."

- A letter to a friend

An Emotion-Provoking Hook...?

7 years ago

Better, but still has notable issues. Particularly: 'And once the tables turned' still is incoherent - what does it mean? And again, your avoidance of explaining who They are really hampers the comprehensibility of the passage - it's more confusing than engrossing (because the mind is spent more on figuring out what's being said, instead of thinking of possible culprits - which I'm guessing is what you were intending)

Here's a revised version based on my best guess of what you were aiming for, for comparison. I suggest you figure out from this where your writing is going off track.

In the fields, in the streets, in the homes, blood flowed like water, and limbs were snapped like branches. Blood flowed, and bones were broken. Again and again, the same scene everywhere. Despite the sickening carnage that would drive a normal man insane, the lust for violence was never slaked. There was a palpable hunger - for more death, to see rows of bodies line barren streets, to see inhabitants buried under their own houses, to see it all burn.

"It's just war," as the saying goes. But with every life lost, we lose more of ourselves, our culture, our unity. With each passing life, we shackle ourselves to this never-ending fight. If they fail, they drag us down with them, but if we fall, they banish us from their thoughts. There's no way to win.

And what are we really fighting for?

Aren't we all the same? Rebels, Loyalists, can you point to a person's forehead and tell who is what? You cannot, for we are one, the only differences are the one's forced upon us.

And still they say "it's just war."

- A letter to a friend