After a month or so of work, I've finally reached the first major checkpoint in my storygame's creation. More specifically, the exposition for the "Hephaestus Arc" is fully written, while the "Typhon Arc" is lacking a little bit. This missing stuff will be mostly the same as what happens in the Hephaestus Arc that I have written already, so I decided to post this anyway. If someone wants me to change something in this section, I won't have to do twice the work.
So, all the necessary exposition is written, but the issue is that the necessary exposition may be too long, or worse, too boring. I really kept this in mind while writing, because I know that writing too much exposition is a cardinal sin, and to try to spread out the information instead of having it all in one place.
At the same time, I thought that this could work in my story, because the your character knows as much as the reader does, and you should really have all the necessary information to make an informed decision between the two jobs you're presented with. While I have not written much past this choice, whichever one you pick will be an entirely separate story with its own epilogues, characters, and etcetera, so I want you to really commit to whichever contract you choose.
If you take the time to read through what I've got (about 10k words), please comment all your feedback, especially that pertaining to my own concerns. This is the longest piece of writing I've ever attempted, and with pacing being an issue in my other writing, I don't want it to be an issue here! Once again, thanks in advance for any feedback you can provide!
Thanks for taking the time to read through!
Taking into account what you and Nightwatch said, I'm definitely going to cut out the technical details about the suits and engines. Maybe I'll find a place to slot them in down the line (because I had way too much fun trying to theorize my way through advanced space travel) but for now they'll sit in my planning document. More background for the main character isn't something I considered, so I'll definitely work on that. Introduce the characters earlier, also a good idea. This is probably going to be a little harder, because most of them wouldn't be lounging around the secret base, unless Delta's collapsed in a corner, cross-faded. Actually, I think I just gave myself an idea.
Alright, so ordinarily, reading 10k words of exposition doesn't sound fun. However, you've made it clear that you're aware of the potential pitfalls, so I won't get into that, but I will say that I expect you to finish this now, as I need payoff for all the exposition I'm about to read.
Here are my thoughts.
I've solved this problem. What you do is, after reading the protocols, say:
Then you will use gravity to extract some more water droplets (flavoured water? This is clearly drug juice made from people). Now you will be questioned on if you memorised the protocols. Say:
You will be told to, obviously, read the protocols again. You might see where I am going with this.
Boom, more water droplets. As the joker that you are, repeat your previous question.
As far as I can tell, this loop never breaks.
This reminds me of an early choice in a physical CYOA book that would also loop. Obviously you don't need to change this, but I do find loops like this to be a bit odd, as while removing them can be difficult, modifying them to not loop in as strange a manner seems relatively easy.
It is like when using the 'look at tree' command in an IF game has you see a bird land on that tree, no matter how often you look at the tree. It is a small thing, unlikely to ruin the experience, but still not ideal.
This obviously depends on how much you care about such things, but having the protagonist not drink the droplets on repeated loops using on page scripting wouldn't be that difficult to implement, but this depends on how much you're willing to do that.
Personally, I'd avoid infinite loops by having the option to keep looping eventually terminate (for example, you can say you haven't memorised them 3 times, and not anymore after that, or maybe even not get the job if you keep repeating yourself, but such an ending might not be good to have).
However, if you keep the loop, I think having the actions that loop not be as strange as extracting infinite water from the bottle would be a good compromise. But ultimately this is a very small thing, but I think it ties in with overall polish.
where people grow up in almost 0 gravity conditions
Notice how you used 0 instead of typing zero? Nothing wrong with that, but do be consistent with what way you decide to handle numbers (so that your writing style is consistent in that manner). I know some type the numbers numerically only if they are not at or below ten, for example.
Can't say I noticed you being inconsistent, but figured I'd mention this anyway. Much easier if you don't have to change something like this later, after all (at a certain stage, changing it would probably not be worthwhile, aha).
I am obligated to mention: you must be careful to not overuse this tool. Also:
4. Either do this...with no spaces at all, or do this . . . with a space before and after each period. Different publishers want different one or the other. Remember to also consider using an em-dash to create a different pause as well — like this. Both are pretty casual, but they are great for representing dialogue and natural-sounding prose.
I used to do ellipses in dialogue like you do:
Anyways, just fill out this paperwork, I'll process it, and training will start... Unless you have any more questions?
But this is wrong. I guess you can just have it be your style and stay consistent.
Here is the thread where I got Gower's response regarding ellipses, lots of other useful things there too: http://chooseyourstory.com/help/articles/article.aspx?ArticleId=4309
Actually, Gower has other useful articles as well.
Anyway, for dialogue punctuation, the gist of it is that the spoken part in quotations and the tacked on [person said] are part of the same sentence. This is because 'They said' is not a complete sentence, so you connect it to the dialogue.
"But, how?" You ask, even more confused.
Should be: "But, how?" you ask, even more confused.
Notice the 'you' is not capitalised, because you don't capitalise a letter mid sentence for no reason. The question mark is treated as a comma (which is why it might look a little weird).
Here is a (made up) example that should be clearer: "Give me the paper, please," you say.
Instead of (this wrong version): "Give me the paper, please." You say.
Anyway, going through 10k words to fix this might not be worthwhile--I think it is--but up to you. At least worth being aware of. Being consistent even if wrong could also be considered a better outcome than being half-and-half.
When describing things, you can be more or less precise. Something like, 'you enter the room, there are barrels here' vs 'you enter the room, there are fifteen barrels here'. Giving exacts can be more impactful, but this can impact the tone and stuff, so there is no right and wrong.
Looking here on the Spacewalk page:
You arrive at a gigantic pool, full of water of an unusual blue-ish color. It's hard to eyeball the exact size and depth of this pool, but it's at least deep enough to fit a small airplane, and at least long and wide enough to fit a large airplane.
Using small/large airplanes as your unit of measurement is...a bit funny to me? This is how a Mar's college graduate views the world. Anyway, while keeping the depth more vague, being more precise about the size from the surface might be a way to make this comparison not feel so humorous (assuming that isn't the intent).
Here are some plane facts:
The shortest is 1.68 meters (5 feet, 6 inches) of the Starr Bumble Bee II. The Boeing 777, a rather large comercial airplane, has a 60 meter (197 feet) wingspan. Similarly, the Boeing 367-80, or the Dash 80, has a wingspan of 40 meters (130 feet).
I'm also wondering if Mar's planes would need to be designed differently for the atmosphere, or if the large/small are more precise measurements than as what I'm interpreting them as. Perhaps our protagonist only knows planes from history books? Otherwise planes are a common thing on Mars?
Anyway, point is, being precise with the size of the pool shows the narrator's confidence, and when your narrator is omniscient that is good. I mention this since keeping clearer precision in mind as a tool is a good way to help control the tone when describing things. I think being less vague about the pool would be good, but that might just be me. I don't expect perfect precision either, since that paragraph seems to be more from the protagonist's point of view than some omniscient narrator, and Abe does mention the actual dimensions later.
I guess I just don't like seeing small/big plane used back-to-back, maybe.
I don't know why a college-graduate is thinking that the contracts he has been presented could 'even be a trap', but maybe life on Mars is tough, or maybe I'm just too trusting of contracts. In fact, personally, I'd say the most suspect thing is the lack of detail, rather than deleting logs on a ship you're scavenging (and thinking the logs are secret rather than potentially confidential is another framing thing I disagree with). The second contract is more sus, but that's because I thought of the Black Hoods as a professional scavenging group.
Anyway, regarding contract one, I don't know enough about Saturn to question his questioning of the ships location, but I will say that I wonder how long ago the ship had come to get into its current state. Either they sent out the contract right away, or it is a derelict thing that has drifted for who knows how long. If it has drifted for too long, it does become more suspect to only go retrieve parts now.
But the reason I have this under polish is that I wanted to say that the choice ordering seems off. Why not have contract one be the first option, and contract two the second? (Not counting the side options). They aren't even alphabetical like this. This is a tiny thing, but choice order is something I've been thinking a bit about, so figured I'd mention it.
I might just be making a mistake, but I think that: 'You [snip] fold the protocols up, and hide them in your sock' is supposed to show up only if I have a copy of the protocols. I think this shows up even if I just said I memorised them.
End of Paragraph 2: Now the fun part,,.Should be '...' instead of ',,.'.
The look of this just really irks me, but I'm not here to proofread, so don't expect more of this type of error catching! I will add that the writing does look solid, apart from the issues with it I have already mentioned.
I remember seeing a character describe a pistol as heavy in a book once, also hot (this may have been from sweaty hands). I'm not an American, so my access to guns is limited and I've never used one, so I can't confirm nor deny this.
I just think that, if true, it is an interesting descriptor, and makes me wonder if a total gun newbie would have his hands get tired after firing for 15 minutes. Maybe cramp a bit? I've never held a gun, but I did use a mouse to try and draw, and boy do I not hold the mouse well when doing it, and start cramping shockingly quick.
Mind you, I'm sure Abe wouldn't let you hold a gun badly, but that's not my main point. Something like weight, recoil, etc are elements of guns I haven't truly experienced, but such feel factors are useful things to consider when describing stuff.
Would firing the rifle have more recoil than the pistol? Would it be worth mentioning? Small things like that, especially when in a scenario that isn't uncommon (i.e. being to a fire range for the first time), are worth considering as this'll help with suspension of disbelief, as if readers who do have experience with this find it relatable, they may be more inclined to accept the more fantastical elements that come later. I doubt many people have been to space, or experienced reduced gravity, for example.
Also, if you describe something in a way that is wrong when you are the omniscient narrator, that can really kill the immersion for people who are more familiar with it than you are. It is why suspension of disbelief can be trickier in sci-fi than fantasy. It is more real, which means it is judged more harshly (basically).
But don't worry about this too much. It is just worth keeping in mind, since you might find that researching some element might help you make a scene a lot more impactful, but it really depends. Just don't be afraid of research I guess. For example, researching how people actually scavenge derelict stuff could help inform your ideas on how to do it in space.
Why call in expensive and very well-trained contractors if the issue could be a simple communication outage.
There should be a question mark at the end, btw. Anyway, I wanted to mention this nitpick: our Protagonist is not 'very well-trained', he's been trained in a day! Or does that constitute 'very well-trained' on Mars? Regardless, he is either special, or everyone gets a day of training.
Anyway, I mention this nitpick because it stood out slightly more to me. The thing is, this is from his perspective, so him thinking of himself as 'very well-trained' can actually be an interesting piece of character.
Personally, I wonder if copyright has changed, or if a corporation literally calls themselves a copyright free thing, and I wonder if that would cause issues. Actually, never mind, I googled it and found Zeus Inc, so that answers my stupid question. It's not like you sell your name, anyway.
I've read up to the contract selection, which seems to be the main exposition build up (?) and I can say that it is well handled. Stuff happens, it isn't just a long dry wall of worldbuilding. Characters do stuff. It's good. The writing also seems to be well broken up as well, so reading it, despite the longer pages, is enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, longer pages can be great, it is only when they're badly written that they become extra annoying.
I will add that I like the options at the beginning, as I was initially worried that there would be a much longer purely linear section (leading up to the contract choice), but the way this is handled is good. Kept me engaged and felt like a good opening.
I'll (hopefully) look past the contract choice too when I find some more time.
Anyway, let me know if anything here didn't make sense, and I'll see if I can explain it better (or fix it if I messed up writing it in the first place).
Good work with this, openings that require a decent amount of exposition can be difficult to pull off well. I'll leave you with my final encouragement to keep writing! (But I get the feeling you don't need that.)
Thanks for the thorough feedback! You caught a number of errors, and I'll probably have to learn some scripting to make the "fold up and hide paper" line only appear if you actually got a copy of the protocols. The loop with the water is pretty funny, I'm probably just going to move that line to the next page instead of one where you can loop it.
Good catch on the pool thing, and the dialogue. I'll probably go through and revise all the dialogue when I have nothing better to do, and make sure all my single digit numbers are spelled out.
About the "well-trained" thing, mizal also mentioned that the character doesn't have anything special about them, so I want to point out that the character worked as an intern in a very successful engineering firm and invented something that made them more or less famous. They also only needed training for the things that they didn't know, because they are definitely a very good engineer.
On the topic of guns, I've shot a dozen or so different guns, and they're definitely not heavy, or hot (unless you fire 200 rounds and then decide to wrap your hand around the barrel). The character would also have experience with heavy power tools, which means that they wouldn't struggle at all. Otherwise, everything that I don't have personal experience with/knowledge of is something I've done some research on, like the engine and the spacesuits, to try and make it as realistic as humanly possible.