WizzyCat, The Reader

Member Since

3/8/2015

Last Activity

1/21/2021 6:12 PM

EXP Points

0

Post Count

755

Storygame Count

0

Duel Stats

49 wins / 40 losses

Order

Sage

Commendations

7

Spartans never die, they're just Missing In Action.

 

Decided to write a 100k War on Intfiction story, and I've been working for what seems like years. Word count as of 1/19/2021: 5658 :/

Plan on updating this word count once a week to keep myself accountable. Prod me if I don't. Actually, if you feel like it, prod me anyways.

Storygames

Salvage
unpublished

After the Dark Age of Technology during the 21st and 22nd centuries, humanity decided to reach for the stars. Or at least the megacorps decided to, leaving behind anyone too poor or too stubborn or too old to board the ships headed for Mars and Europa. With that, the Great Expansion started: Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, the Asteroid Belt, all were encompassed by the sovereignty of the newly formed United Human Federation, or UHF. Well... that's what the UHF would have you believe. The truth is a different beast entirely.

After graduating an engineering college on Mars, you were approached by the Black Hoods, a completely untraceable organization that dealt with the salvage of shipwrecks across the solar system. Despite the absurd protocols (all in the name of total secrecy), the mind-boggling pay convinced you to join. What can you discover among the derelict wreckage of humanity?


Recent Posts

Welp, food poisoning is a b*tch on 1/20/2021 6:06:22 PM

Ha! It's more just a combination of really fast metabolism and exercise.


Welp, food poisoning is a b*tch on 1/20/2021 2:52:44 PM

I'm underweight lol.


An Angel by any other name. on 1/20/2021 12:03:18 PM

You're welcome!


An Angel by any other name. on 1/20/2021 11:54:58 AM

In that case you should probably make it more obvious, because that's not what I understood from the interaction. You're writing in third-person limited, so you can't logically add her thoughts in, but you can say something like, "the angel's brow furrowed with concern upon hearing Billy speak" to show her emotions to the reader.


An Angel by any other name. on 1/20/2021 11:45:39 AM

We've all heard of the abusive, drunk father, but the molestin' mom is a new one for me.

Firstly, you should really be proofreading everything you write, because in this story there are a lot of minor typos that can be fixed with two taps. THe classic "WHoops, I held shift half a second too long" is present in a couple of places, and some other random things like a missing comma before dialogue, or no space between a period and the next word.

Additionally, you make a few actual grammar mistakes, mainly forgetting to use commas or writing really clunky phrases like "Still despite this" (You should leave it at "despite this" and use a comma as well). Or "In his befuddled state he missed a strange sigil appear on his right hand before quickly fading.", where you initiate dialogue with a period instead of a comma, and you also have this sentence that may be gramatically correct (I don't know), but it certainly reads poorly. Instead you could write something like: "In his befuddled state, he missed the appearance and disappearance of a strange sigil on his right hand". You also have some pretty repetitive sentence structure, for example, "With a resigned whimper Billy... With a soft thump Billy... With a slight yawn, Billy..." These phrases are repetitive and you could easily take a few of these out to improve the flow of the writing.

The idea itself is fine; a horribly abused kid summoning an angel, just to have a friend, is not a bad premise whatsoever. The execution is also more or less ok, with grammar being the biggest issue. I do have an issue with the characterization of the angel. She introduces herself to the kid in a very haughty manner, but then still tells him to call her by a nickname. If she had done this at the end of the story, it could be a wholesome ending where this stoic angel shows some compassion. Instead it just feels weird.

Overall, you should just work on your grammar (writing/reading/Purdue OWL), because otherwise the story isn't bad!


Help With Making Linear Stories Not Linear. on 1/20/2021 10:48:06 AM

I've basically only just started writing a branching game, but something that's really useful is to organize story arcs by chapter and I'm also using a Google Doc where I have lore and the main story arcs outlined to some extent so I stay on track.


Welp, food poisoning is a b*tch on 1/20/2021 9:55:04 AM

Yea I know you don't get food poisoning from too much food, because I eat way more calories than most people, so I would have it every day if that were the case. In Ukraine, I got food poisoning from a PIZZA! How can you screw up a pizza? In Russia, I once got it from my aunt's strawberries, and another time got it from HONEY. So nothing's safe for me.


Welp, food poisoning is a b*tch on 1/19/2021 10:53:37 PM

Just about every time I've gone to Europe I've gotten it. First trip to Russia, second trip to Russia, third trip to Russia. Paris, Ukraine... By the time I was 11 I had probably gotten it three or four times! I even had food poisoning last year in December, because I ate too much sushi with raw fish.


Welp, food poisoning is a b*tch on 1/19/2021 9:18:23 PM

Have you never had food poisoning?


Welp, food poisoning is a b*tch on 1/19/2021 9:18:05 PM

I'm an optimist, and occasionally believe in the goodness of humans, so I think they can definitely make a comeback from their rocky start!