ISentinelPenguinI, The Apprentice Scrivener
One day I had a test, and the teacher farted, and then this kid bent over to pick up his pencil, and everyone was scared because they thought they heard a gunshot and there was a school shooting, but actually it was a deafeningly loud flatulence emitted from the kid who picked up his pencil, with such tremendous force and pressure that his pants had ripped open and were smoking. And everyone was laughing, but the kid was pissed.
He got up on his chair and screamed something like, "OH YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY DO YOU!?"
He grabbed one of the girls, and there were many gasps, "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU ASSHOLES FUNNY!"
He shoved the girl out of the way, and took a massive shit on her desk. The class laughed, and even applauded. For the first 2 minutes, at least, but the kid would not stop shitting. Eventually it overloaded the desk and started to drop onto the floor. At 5 minutes, the giggles gave way to horrified screams. Worms and blood started to appear within the shit, and the oils of his eyes were diluting with lymph and starting to drip down his face.
10 minutes, and he was shitting this constant stream of worms like a faucet, they were pooling out underneath him and writhing over each other, burrowing into whatever they could find. The floor was too hard for them, but they found the girl's shoes. You could hear them chewing on everything they could find. They made little clicking noises wherever they bit on something, it was like dumping one bag of marbles into another... But then they found the girl's flesh underneath her shoes and socks, and boy howdy...
The worm hoard sort of swarmed her and started burrowing into whatever bits and bobs they could find. As they chewed, it sounded like those aforementioned marbles were being poured into a bowl of semi-hard jello. A thousand little splats in an orgy of blood and gluttony.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES!" Screamed the fart kid, "CAERBOG EXTRICATES!"
He just kept shitting worms and screaming about our glorious holy lord and savior Caerbog. Just sitting there. The worms turned to eyeballs all melted and grafted together, and the molten skin of his rectum slowly started dribbling down between his legs, but he just kept going. His real eyes were totally gone by this point, and actually his bare testicles were dangling out of one eyehole by their epidydimus, but what was even funnier was that a little horse fetus (Couldn't be more than two months) was desperately trying to escape from his head, but he was too big to fit through the eyeholes, so he just kept squealing and stamping impotently at the walls of his flesh prison.
Eventually, the eyes and the worms and the shit were creating this massive pool of shit that was ankle-deep over the floor of the room, and the girl being eaten by the worms was now a skeleton full of boreholes and tiny bitemarks. The class started really laughing their asses off as her jaw fell off, and one kid even fell out of his chair laughing and was devoured by worms, eyes-first.
The kid just kept on shitting. His legs had been worn down by worms into just nubs of flesh, so no one was surpised when the entire lower part of his torso burst open and started spraying eyeballs and bloody shit everywhere.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES! CAERBOG EXTRICATES! CAERBOG EXTRICAAAATES!" he screamed. More kids laughed themselves into the waist-deep pile of worms.
The teacher just stood on his desk with a look of utter disappointment on his face.
"Caerbog does not exist, you zealous religious faggot." Said the teacher, driving a knife into his belly as the holy purgative fires of Caerbog began biting into the flesh of his taint.
Long story short, the kid got a detention, and our sides fucking exploded that day. Even the fucked up skeleton whose desk he shat on was laughing. You can still hear her laughing if you put your ear to her grave. It's just underneath the floorboards of the basketball court.
It was so hilarious though. You had to be there for the full effect. He was just squatting over her desk with the same strained look on his face the whole time. I mean, while he could still squat and move his face, I guess.
If you came to this page in hopes of learning more about me, you're boning up the wrong tree.
this is a loosely satirical and somewhat more gamey version of the game that isn't really a game. thanks to the creative juices of Bardockwest. The ORIGINAL: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/randomly-walk
I discovered a thing that JJJ wrote. It told me all about this quiz-making shit. I followed the instructions, even though I disobeyed JJJ's opening lines by starting this WITHOUT a basic knowledge of any of that weird scripty shit he recommended. This was low-effort as all hell, don't ever use the classic editor for anything you care about.
AQIMFTBHOIA DLC: THE UPDATE DESCRIPTION
Since some of my questions contained outdated information and I needed to make sure everything was in working order, I unpublished this thing. Since I understand this to be something that generally fucks with ratings, I'm gonna add 5 more questions so you have more of a reason to rate it again. Also, every question now has a stupid answer. These are the ones that are so blatantly wrong/non-answers that they give you negative points... Some are better hidden than others. Aside from most of the endings being revamped, there are two new endings! One is for people who're spectacularly awful at quizzes, and the other is an ending for people who go off the beaten path... By being really bad at quizzes.
No, I will not add a thing at the end that shows your score. If you want to know your score, you have to dick-measure in the comments yourself. Drill Sergeant Nasty has always been an accurate barometer for how well you did, in my eyes.
fucking bullshit ass fuck dammit shit asshole tits on a duck fucking a pile of dipshit dumbfuck ass.
Flame Wars Dice Roller.
Just a little story to see how I can place my pictures around text.
In a strange world where World War I hasn't even happened yet, Law and order is the only accepted form of justice. Until NOW.
Enter Mild-Mannered Clifford T. Boot, 2nd class passenger on the world-famous vessel, the Titanic. Haunted by the shadows of his war-torn past, Clifford bought a ticket to the United States of America looking for a new life. But trouble always finds Clifford, and when an innocent widow and her child are kidnapped by a cult dedicated to resurrecting Napoleon, he has no choice but to return to his old ways and save them... Because for some motherfuckers, mass tragedy doesn't come soon enough.
Articles WrittenA Tutorial for Teachers
Recent PostsWhat IS the most edible Animal Crossing Villager? on 10/1/2020 4:58:07 PM
As long as you still have a source of protean
What IS the most edible Animal Crossing Villager? on 10/1/2020 4:48:31 PM
I don't know how wonderland dietary physics work. Do you guys even poop? I've never seen a bathroom there.
What IS the most edible Animal Crossing Villager? on 10/1/2020 4:08:55 PM
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Recently, some limey reprobate published this utter load of tripe, and obtained over a hundred thousand views. This is horseshit, and does not contain any proper survival advice whatsoever. This is why so many hapless retards are going to starve to death in the apocalypse. Rating for cuteness as if it factors in to edibility? Seriously? Don't make me laugh. We've been killing cute animals since the beginning. In fact, they're some of the most delicious. But we'll get to that shit later. For now, let's talk about some key points of contention.
1. "Made of Food = More Edible"
I'm sure none of you thinking men need me to tell you this, but for any vacuous morbidly obese slugs hiding among us, you cannot live on cake and fruit alone. Tangy the Orange and Ketchup the Tomato absolutely to not deserve their high place in this ranking. While being soft-bodied targets that would be easy and painless to slaughter, are very low in calories compared to their actual animal neighbors. As fruits, most of their energy comes from sugar, which is a short-term energy source.
Sure, they might contain seeds, which would allow you to farm more of their ilk, but if these were the only foods you had to eat, you would not survive until the hypothetical boat came to rescue you. If all you had to eat was a cat made out of oranges, you'd get fuckin diarrhea. If all you had to eat was a giant tomato, you'd get Vitamin B12 Deficiency, which is a horrorshow of its own.
Don't even get me started on the fuckin teapot elephant. You think you can live on tea!? ALONE!? That should immediately invalidate this fucking flat-accented weasel in the eyes of any true survivalist. But in case anyone in the back wearing their pants on their head needed this spelled out, Tea doesn't have any fucking calories. Even if this is some primo shit made out of leaves with every nutrient in the world, you'd live on this shit for maybe 2 months before starving to death, because it's FUCKING WATER you BLATHERING FUCKING SIMPLETON
And the rhinocerous made out of cake? Let's be generous and say there's a fair amount of carbs and shit in the cake, and this is cream frosting that has fats in it. We're still missing a critical piece of the 3 things you need to eat to sustain yourself for a year or more. If you don't get any protein, your body eats itself and fucking dies, that's just the way things work. Survival isn't that complicated, or else fucking ignorant toothless BIRTISH son of a cock and his simian ancestors wouldn't have lived long enough for him to grow up and provide us with this 21 minutes of wasted fucking time that not a single one of those poor 150,000 is ever going to get back.
I know what you're thinking, "BUT I NEED FRUIT ANIMALS BECAUSE MUH VITAMIN C!" well, cool factoid, most animals actually produce their own vitamin C. If you're willing and knowledgeable to really get in there and grab the right raw organs, you'll get all your necessary Vitamin C without needing to make stupid decisions like this.
And I'm sure you know where I'm going with the monumental idiocy of trying to live off the rat made out of cheese. It goes on like this. The animals that are 'made out of food' in animal crossing are survival traps for the retarded. No one who intends to bring a korova to their island should bother with them. The only person who might be of use is the Takoyaki Octopus, but Octopi are a shit food source for other reasons.
2. On the pros and cons of rabbits
On to my next point, there's a rabbit in the top ten rankings. Ordinarily, rabbits are perfectly edible, but in a scenario where a dead bunny is one of your only food sources, you're mostly fucked. Rabbit meat does contain a high amount of vitamins, so it may be an option if you plan on killing two villagers, but of course, this is a last-resort solution. As the once and future king of the island in this apocalyptic scenario, you should need to kill as few of your potential serfs, servants, soldiers, and concubines as possible so that you actually have people to reign over. There are singular villagers in this game that should be enough to hold you over if you were one of those tree-hugging pansies who decided to spend all their potential farmland space on flower gardens. So rabbit villagers, while not extraordinarily high in edibility, are a very viable option if you have other food sources, but not enough to share.
3. Other miscellaneous low-tier animals.
Cats and dogs don't rank highly, and well they shouldn't. Most predator animals are kind of shitty eating. But ranking them low simply because they're pet animals is shitty reasoning. Killing someone in order to eat them is similar to any sort of human killing for one's own survival. Whether it's self-defense or a proactive killing in a war. When it comes down to brass tacks, either you're going to do it, or you're not. It's a decision made in the heat of the moment purely for survival, some are able to make that call more than others, and if you're going to get hung up on cuteness and the fact that someone's a dog or a cat rather than one of the designated 'edible' animals, then you're going to be the pussy bitch that starves to death when the time comes. I stroll up and down my island with a knife under my belt knowing that I'm ready.
Of course I don't plan to kill the villagers that hold any special place in my heart, but that is a feature I hold independent of an animal's domestication. My core animal crossing buddies that I trust in SHTF and WROL situations are, in fact, mostly non-domesticated animals. But I guess if you hold racial biases and really can't bring yourself to kill a cat or a dog, don't bring them to your island for the purpose of eating. It's common sense, but obviously not everyone in the Animal Crossing Prepper Community has that.
Rodents are greasy and gamey animals that won't taste great, and will provide you with very little edible meat due to their abundance of bones and diminutive size. I mean, look at the models for their heads, the majority of an Animal Crossing mouse's body is cartilage. Don't bother with mice or hamsters, whether they're made out of food or not.
Anteaters are on the bottom tier of edible animals by default. They are lean, white-meat animals whose diets consist of potentially poisonous and often stinging insects. The more tropical your island is, the more likely it is that the anteaters on your island are eating dangerous pests. Unless you're a chinese sorceror, don't bother. If you are a chinese sorceror, you probably have enough jars of pickled snakes and bear testicles in your basement to survive the winter anyway.
Crocodiles are also lean predator animals, but some of them have fat stores that are mostly separate from the meat parts, which they can be fried in. They may have some significant nutrients, but the energy expenditure required to kill them and the skill in cooking and butchery needed to get anything good out of them far outweighs the potential benefits.
Frogs and toads combine the disadvantages of crocodiles and rodents with the simple advantage that they are easy to kill. While not all of them are poisonous, there's a decent chance that some of them will be, which is another thing that makes them really not worth cannibalizing.
Also, don't eat koalas. Are you fuckin retarded? I mean, yeah, there really aren't any good koalas in this game, and if you really were looking for some sort of reason that you might want a koala on your island, well, news flash, they're useless here too. Koalas eat nothing but toxic leaves all day, which means that not only are they going to taste like shit, but your body is going to have to go through far more trouble than it's worth to get anything out of it. You're also going to have to cook them thoroughly, which decreases their potential nutrient value.
Kangaroos are generally a bad choice because you're going to have to kill two animals. If you just kill the baby and eat it, not only are you not going to get much meat out of it, but, the mother is going to be left with nothing but big kickin' claws and a very high motivation for revenge killing. If you kill the mother, the kid is going to starve to death on its own. I know there's one without a baby, but frankly, kangaroos are also highly combattive animals, and even if you hunt it perfectly without giving them the opportunity to put up a fuss, you've just gone through a lot of trouble and put fear into your community to get ahold of the leanest, toughest, stringiest meat you could possibly imagine.
Eagles are big birds, but they definitely don't seem like they'd be as meaty as chickens. While you might still want to bring an eagle along as a bodyguard and companion for when SHTF, chickens are just a direct upgrade in terms of edibility.
Anything of the cub species is just a baby bear. Not only are you going to get a lot of shit for killing a kid, but your potential meat supply won't be very substantial. It's going to put you too far behind in the post-apocalyptic political structure to be worth the trouble.
Octopus are also a bad pick. Why the fuck would you go through the trouble of killing an octopus when one of the pillars of Animal Crossing gameplay is fishing? They're sea animals, and predators at that. Meaning their bodies aren't going to be storing a lot of nutrients that aren't already gonna be found in other fish. If you haven't been stockpiling fish for the apocalypse already, why are you even here looking for advice on this situation? You haven't even passed the 101 lecture, get the fuck outta here.
4. Underrated picks
Bears are surprisingly nutritious, and they come in large servings. If you don't get any cows to come to your island, they may be the next best thing. It helps that a lot of them are ugly, if you really don't think you'll be able to kill a cute villager, then just take Nate, Klaus, Curt, Chow, or Beardo behind the barn.
Cervids provide the same advantages as cows and other red meat animals, (I.E. Nutrient-dense, can be eaten near-raw, will keep for a long time) but their antlers can be fashioned into crowns and ceremonial weapons, which will be useful for maintaining your authority WROL.
In a desperate situation, penguins are very serviceable prey. I'd argue that on account of their size and blubber, they actually outrank ducks and other waterfowl in terms of sheer nutrients and utility. Until it was made illegal, penguins were eaten by southern-hemisphere sailors from around the world as a last-ditch effort to treat scurvy. And more often than not, it worked.
5. Overrated picks
Chickens and Pigs, while nutritious, are white meat animals, meaning their flesh is not dense enough to prevent deep-seated infestation of salmonella and other bacteria. This means they almost always need to be thoroughly cooked, which degrades potential complicated nutrients, and, barring special preservation techniques, they won't keep as long. White meat also isn't as rich. People in the era of modern convenience are told to cut down on their red meat consumption, not because it isn't healthy, but rather because it's so full of the shit we eat meat for, that our bodies need less of it to survive. While a pig or chicken is a perfectly cromulent choice, just bear in mind that there are more hearty sacrifices available.
6. Who do you think is the most edible villager?
It's simple. Rocco.
Hippos are some of the largest animals in nature, and since they are both blubbery and dense, will provide more meat than cows. 1900s big game hunters also review them as being particularly delicious creatures. Peter Hathaway Capstick says of the hippopotamus: “It is my personal opinion that hippo meat is one of the finest of game foods … The taste is mild, less than lamb and more than beef, slightly more marbled than usual venison. It tastes exactly like, well, hippo.”
Rocco is also a cranky villager. As an asshole who makes terrible puns and spreads rumors about other villagers, I've chosen him specifically to be the hermetic outcast who will be the first to turn on the group. I also know that he's afraid of bees and likes construction zones- Meaning I know his weaknesses, and dangerous places to potentially kill him. It's true that hippos are some of the deadliest land animals on the planet, but I know his weaknesses. And these are the sort of things you have to consider when deciding which animal on your island will be the most edible for you. You have to ensure that your designated cannibalism victim is large, vulnerable, delicious, and will not be missed. And Rocco has this in spades. Anyway, that's my take on it. Which animal crossing villager would you eat? Which ones are you planning to survive the apocalypse with?
CYS Lords O War! on 9/27/2020 12:35:02 PM
I'd like to do some warfare, myself!
A Very Senty Dream Journal on 9/25/2020 6:03:41 PM
That's what Frank does. He ruins things.
Boardgame Thread on 9/16/2020 6:29:37 AM
Betasofa? Well I can see why you use it.
Don't gaf about writing anymore on 9/1/2020 9:48:03 AM
Don't worry IAP, your fellows have got your back!
Collecting all Artists on 8/29/2020 9:52:56 PM
I didn't know you had a whole cup just for your spork.
Collecting all Artists on 8/29/2020 7:09:42 PM
I do draw occassionally, and I've recently started uploading doodles to Deviantart because it's funny. (And I had to figure out SOMETHING to do with the account I used to investigate one of the 2018 newbies for art plaigiarism) Apparently I have some street cred with wholesome dinosaur fans and people who draw giant anime boobies.
Shooting For Great Justice! on 8/27/2020 6:57:11 PM
I really don't think the court is going to treat him nicely. All signs point to him just being an uppity kid that just wanted to shoot someone. Unless something comes out during the trial, their only motivation to shoot was that they saw protesters out after curfew, and then they tripped.