ISentinelPenguinI, The Novelist

Member Since

4/4/2013

Last Activity

5/21/2018 12:58 AM

EXP Points

1,340

Post Count

8416

Storygame Count

1

Duel Stats

76 wins / 82 losses

Order

Sage

Commendations

25

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day I had a test, and the teacher farted, and then this kid bent over to pick up his pencil, and everyone was scared because they thought they heard a gunshot and there was a school shooting, but actually it was a deafeningly loud flatulence emitted from the kid who picked up his pencil, with such tremendous force and pressure that his pants had ripped open and were smoking. And everyone was laughing, but the kid was pissed.

He got up on his chair and screamed something like, "OH YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY DO YOU!?"

He grabbed one of the girls, and there were many gasps, "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU ASSHOLES FUNNY!"

He shoved the girl out of the way, and took a massive shit on her desk. The class laughed, and even applauded. For the first 2 minutes, at least, but the kid would not stop shitting. Eventually it overloaded the desk and started to drop onto the floor.  At 5 minutes, the giggles gave way to horrified screams. Worms and blood started to appear within the shit, and the oils of his eyes were diluting with lymph and starting to drip down his face.

10 minutes, and he was shitting this constant stream of worms like a faucet, they were pooling out underneath him and writhing over each other, burrowing into whatever they could find. The floor was too hard for them, but they found the girl's shoes. You could hear them chewing on everything they could find. They made little clicking noises wherever they bit on something, it was like dumping one bag of marbles into another... But then they found the girl's flesh underneath her shoes and socks, and boy howdy...

The worm hoard sort of swarmed her and started burrowing into whatever bits and bobs they could find. As they chewed, it sounded like those aforementioned marbles were being poured into a bowl of semi-hard jello. A thousand little splats in an orgy of blood and gluttony.

"CAERBOG PROVIDES!" Screamed the fart kid, "CAERBOG EXTRICATES!"

He just kept shitting worms and screaming about our glorious holy lord and savior Caerbog. Just sitting there. The worms turned to eyeballs all melted and grafted together, and the molten skin of his rectum slowly started dribbling down between his legs, but he just kept going. His real eyes were totally gone by this point, and actually his bare testicles were dangling out of one eyehole by their epidydimus, but what was even funnier was that a little horse fetus (Couldn't be more than two months) was desperately trying to escape from his head, but he was too big to fit through the eyeholes, so he just kept squealing and stamping impotently at the walls of his flesh prison.

Eventually, the eyes and the worms and the shit were creating this massive pool of shit that was ankle-deep over the floor of the room, and the girl being eaten by the worms was now a skeleton full of boreholes and tiny bitemarks. The class started really laughing their asses off as her jaw fell off, and one kid even fell out of his chair laughing and was devoured by worms, eyes-first.

The kid just kept on shitting. His legs had been worn down by worms into just nubs of flesh, so no one was surpised when the entire lower part of his torso burst open and started spraying eyeballs and bloody shit everywhere.

"CAERBOG PROVIDES! CAERBOG EXTRICATES! CAERBOG EXTRICAAAATES!" he screamed. More kids laughed themselves into the waist-deep pile of worms.

The teacher just stood on his desk with a look of utter disappointment on his face.

"Caerbog does not exist, you zealous religious faggot." Said the teacher, driving a knife into his belly as the holy purgative fires of Caerbog began biting into the flesh of his taint.

Long story short, the kid got a detention, and our sides fucking exploded that day. Even the fucked up skeleton whose desk he shat on was laughing. You can still hear her laughing if you put your ear to her grave. It's just underneath the floorboards of the basketball court.

It was so hilarious though. You had to be there for the full effect. He was just squatting over her desk with the same strained look on his face the whole time. I mean, while he could still squat and move his face, I guess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you came to this page in hopes of learning more about me, you're boning up the wrong tree.

Trophies Earned

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Storygames

Randomly Walk II, The epic sequel.

this is a loosely satirical and somewhat more gamey version of the game that isn't really a game. thanks to the creative juices of Bardockwest. The ORIGINAL: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/randomly-walk


A Quiz I made for the Blatant Hell of it All. *CLOSED FOR REPAIRS*
unpublished

I discovered a thing that JJJ wrote. It told me all about this quiz-making shit. I followed the instructions, even though I disobeyed JJJ's opening lines by starting this WITHOUT a basic knowledge of any of that weird scripty shit he recommended. This was low-effort as all hell, don't ever use the classic editor for anything you care about.

AQIMFTBHOIA DLC: THE UPDATE DESCRIPTION

Since some of my questions contained outdated information and I needed to make sure everything was in working order, I unpublished this thing. Since I understand this to be something that generally fucks with ratings, I'm gonna add 5 more questions so you have more of a reason to rate it again. Also, every question now has a stupid answer. These are the ones that are so blatantly wrong/non-answers that they give you negative points... Some are better hidden than others. Aside from most of the endings being revamped, there are two new endings! One is for people who're spectacularly awful at quizzes, and the other is an ending for people who go off the beaten path... By being really  bad at quizzes.

No, I will not add a thing at the end that shows your score. If you want to know your score, you have to dick-measure in the comments yourself. Drill Sergeant Nasty has always been an accurate barometer for how well you did, in my eyes.


biddleshite
unpublished

fucking bullshit ass fuck dammit shit asshole tits on a duck fucking a pile of dipshit dumbfuck ass.


FWDR
unpublished

Flame Wars Dice Roller.


Pictures Test
unpublished

Just a little story to see how I can place my pictures around text.


WHUPASS ON THE TITANIC
unpublished

In a strange world where World War I hasn't even happened yet, Law and order is the only accepted form of justice. Until NOW.

Enter Mild-Mannered Clifford T. Boot, 2nd class passenger on the world-famous vessel, the Titanic. Haunted by the shadows of his war-torn past, Clifford bought a ticket to the United States of America looking for a new life. But trouble always finds Clifford, and when an innocent widow and her child are kidnapped by a cult dedicated to resurrecting Napoleon, he has no choice but to return to his old ways and save them... Because for some motherfuckers, mass tragedy doesn't come soon enough.


Articles Written

A Tutorial for Teachers
Exasperated but optimistic advice for those who would like to assign storygames as school projects or for any other school purposes.

Recent Posts

Famous Bad Touch People Thread on 5/4/2018 6:37:38 PM

Revelant: A man who's served ten years gives the short and obvious answer to the question everyone had after going on a kind of amusing tangent for 10 minutes.

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TL;DW: "Yeah I don't think he'll last long because he's old, but you know he'll get off the hook and probably go to Rich Guy Prison, so I dunno."


If you where a Mythical Fantasy/Fairytale on 5/4/2018 5:49:39 PM

I would be a the original folklore version of something like a troll, oni, tengu, ogre, or some shit. Indefinite lifespan, vast array of superpowers, a culture somehow built around fucking with (I daresay trolling) idyllic villages for your amusement, and of course a bunch of mortals who consider a giant tree-swinging wizard a good enough reason to leave offerings of neat free stuff on the outskirts of their villages if there's enough sitings in the area.

The only things I would conceivably have to worry about are things like armies of people trying to band against me and clever youths and/or anthropomorphic cats in the midst of an adventure who would out-trickster me and either kill me or steal my favorite shit. Armies I probably wouldn't have to worry about that much, considering how much power I'd have at my disposal, but killing enough of them to fight them off would probably leave a bad taste in humanity's mouth even if it was in self defense, and would drastically reduce the amount and quality of potential worshippers. Oh, and sunlight, I guess I shouldn't be a troll. Or an Ogre. Ogres eat people for some reason, so I guess that would only /attract/ armies and tricksy hoomans. And I guess Oni and Tengu seem to be Always Lawful Evil for no particular reason, so that would really spoil my plans of being a benevolent freelance-dictator prank god.

Maybe I'd be a Tanuki or something. That's all the benefits I wanted to be a troll for, even though not quite as godly in power. I'd probably spend most of my time shapeshifted into a human with some cronenberg latex taped over my tail, because I'd literally prefer to have a lumpy tumor on my back than look like a tail-wearing degenerate. The vast array of scrotal party tricks I'd also have sounds disgusting, but hey, might come in handy someday I don't fucking know.


What's the most you've spent on a game? on 4/21/2018 4:35:05 PM

I think as a kid I've spent, collectively, over a period of multiple years, maybe 120 bucks on MMOs. But then I realized, "Oh, $120 is a lot of money! I had to mow lawns for entire days of my life for that! I should remain a free to play scrub."

I then realized that half the ones I was playing were pretty shit unless you were part of the bourgeoisie elite, and quit most of them. Then I started quitting the o es that were more entertaining on their own merits the more I learned to hate children.

Now I only drop money on TF2 cosmetics. I know, terrible financial decision on my part when I could just wait 10 years until they're all free once people have quit the game entirely and the program is no longer supported by Valve, but I make do.


Choose Your Hottie on 4/20/2018 3:12:34 PM

Personally I don't like guys, though gauging the site's taste in dudes is fairly useless since you have a fairly broad spread and it comes down to personal taste anyway. However, since I've been trying to get into dudes that don't even have vaginas lately just to see if I can, let's see what's up here.

Personally Mr. Marshal-Green is a failure in all aspects. Not only does he have a beard, which is one of the manliest and therefore least attractive things to have, but he's also a vastly inferior version of Tom Hardy, you said it yourself. So obviously we couldn't bond over Bane or Charles Bronson impersonations because he's vry shit at it, as opposed to just being an okay Tom Hardy like everyone else.

Jason Momoa is just impractical, no matter what he looks like. Why the hell would I need protection from Hawaiians? I've never been to Hawaii, I'm considered a generally nice person... In real life, anyway... I really don't know why the Hawaiians would be after me. Is it because I made fun of their official state plaid? Also, I hope he's protecting me with words and not actions. As awesome as it would be to have a personal Jason Statham, I'm frankly concerned that physical violence is just going to give the people of this fine 50th state another reason to be upset with me.

Mysterious southern neighbor was out from the very beginning. I've had mysterious southern neighbors before, and they aren't attractive, presumably even from the standpoint of dudely attractiveness. Though, he did invite a lot of thought and wonderment due to how mysterious he was. I used to think for minutes at a time about my unanswered questions. Where did all his teeth go? Why did his wife look exactly like him? These are things I never learned before he disappeared mysteriously from my life.

Nathan Parsons is allegedly pretty, so he's probably the closest there is on this list to beinf someone I'd fuck, even if he is just a sub-standard girl at this point. So my vote goes to that guy.

Of course, I know this could just be in a romantic/flirtatious relationship with any of them, in which case attraction wouldn't really matter (I'm sure neither of the mysterious southern twins found each other attractive) but when hitting on someone it is common courtesy to have actual attraction to back it up.


Pick a Mythical Creature on 4/6/2018 5:10:32 PM

Wizards, but I'm the only one who knows how/has the juices or whatever to be a wizard, and everyone else can be trained in the art of wizardry but only at my discretion.

If people start somehow figuring it out despite every precaution or I end up misjudging people's characters and training a bunch of dickheads, I'll just completely wipe all their memories of how to do magic, but leave their memories of what magic does and when they saw themselves doing it, just so they can be constantly infuriated by their inability to do magic. If I can't do that in time, I'll probably go Voldemort them while they're still scrublords and plant a lot of Sauron memobilia in their houses so people know I was only doing it to stop the next Dark Lord.


Trypophobia and Phobias in General on 3/29/2018 12:44:44 PM

I have the opposite of trypophobia. Like, if it's a lot of small things coming OUT of something, rather than a lot of small things inside, I have a problem. Masses of pumpkin/pepper seeds, worms/maggots poking out of things, carpet like masses of short tentacles, certain scars, "clumps" of teeth, the underside of a living starfish, those playdough things where you press down and shit comes out, that's all pretty irrationally gross to me. Not really "I have severe trouble approaching it" gross, unless it's stuff like the aforementioned worms and maggots in which case yeah, it's generally healthy to never approach them, but it does give me the general super-fucking-uncomfortable-but-not-life-altering fear that I feel like most people who have Trypophobia have.


(A)Sexuality on 3/26/2018 12:38:17 PM

I think it makes you a gold-star cuck.


Dungeons and Dragons- The Worst Kinds of Players on 3/25/2018 4:15:18 AM

No, you can't really declare yourself a god. Not unless you're running something in the neighborhood of level 18+ where you're literally, actually ascending to god or godlike status, whether it's declared or not. There's very clear limits, if you're playing by the rules.

There isn't really much "Bastardization" going on. If you'd like to argue that it's corrupted the source material somehow I'd say that every edition since 2E has done that, and the Current Edition is even a helluva lot closer to the original game than 3 and 4 were. The fact of the matter is that they're all mechanically useful for fundamentally different experiences, at least in a game that makes use of every rule or item or whatever, and even then it's pretty much up to the DM. 


Dungeons and Dragons- The Worst Kinds of Players on 3/23/2018 12:50:32 AM

The Rules Lawyer is actually starting to become something of a dying breed, what with the new editions requiring less books by virtue of most of the books not existing yet, and the general trends in new tabletop gravitating toward low-complexity character-driven games, it's getting harder and harder for rules lawyers to hold their niche, outside of 3.5 and 4th edition DnD, as well as the older Deadlands, Cthulhu, and infamous WFRPG, they're getting a lot less common. Most Rules Lawyers these days are more apt to snipe in from the sidelines of edition wars or dissect obscure combos for why certain classes in the new editions are overpowered for having a 10 hitpoint damage difference from peers of similar level, or why some class combinations are completely useless for not having a 10 hitpoint damage difference from peers of similar level.


Dungeons and Dragons- The Worst Kinds of Players on 3/22/2018 10:43:49 PM

These are a lot more common in freeform rps, but it's some lovely lingo I learned from a particular chatroom, so I really wanna spread it around.

The Hindu God Avenger Squad: When all or most of your characters are absolute superheroes and can't possibly be reasonably challenged by the lower-level adventure you had in mind. Ideally superhero characters are the natural endpoint for most progression system-based RPGs, but the HGAS has a little extra turd-flavoring sprinkled over it. These characters will all be early teen wet dreams. Expect lots of anime reference pictures, Latin names, etc.

If they're overly masculine, expect them to be movie vikings, all over 30 years old, still sexually attractive, scarred to shit despite being good at fighting and trained in nonlethal circumstances, and sporting names using lots of "K" "R" and hard "G" souns. Kargan, Varg, Grak, etc. because those are the "badass" letters. Young men of the more weebish persuasion will dual-wield katanas, (or wield just one japanese weapon at a time, if they are self aware enough to realize that this is ridiculous, but not otherwise aware enough to know /why/.) are often shirtless and impossibly strong despite being weedy by the standards of the other male characters and sometimes even the women, and will invariably have some sort of "quirk" wherein they are given a propensity to do things that any person would consider perverted, autistic, or downright sociopathic in real life. Expect them to be extremist and overly dedicated to certain menial things even in their downtime to emphasize their "quirkiness" and "discipline", which under any other circumstance would just be called out as the unhealthy obsession of a weaponized sperg. Expect Edgelords to be literally Sauron, or some other extra-grimdark or even more combat-focussed interpretation.

Expect women to be beautiful, late teenaged warrior-mages with unnatural and/or heterochromic eye colors and fantasy or arthurian names that are never less than three syllables. They will always seek the Lawful Good moral high ground, and attempt to philosophically call out the other characters when they behave in a way that breaks their MLP fairy-tale morality. When confronted with a difficult situation or moral choice where right answers can be hard to find, they will always take the copout and/or try to find a loophole. If forced, they'll assume both answers are moral equivalents without thinking and experience DEEP SADNESS about it. 

Since all of the characters will inevitably be horrible at relationships, this sadness will go nowhere, no one will react to her emotional displays because they consider her to be a smug magical girl bitch anyway, and she will often be accused of playing the lone-wolf edgelord if she doesn't eventually get bored and give up the emotional trauma she's suffered never to mention it again until the next time she receives it. 

Expect these roleplayers to rest on laurels they don't actually have and believe that the coolness of their character is a given trait rather than an earned one. Expect all or most dialogue to be snappy, psuedo-philosophical, and overly moody so that they can fill their profiles up with the quotes of their fictional characters to appear more deep and experienced than they are. Also expect everyone who thinks they're funny to play an absolutely painful comic relief character, who will immediately whiplash into being serious or even downright melancholic in a grim situation when his team morale might actually benefit from at least a passing joke. Expect everyone who takes themselves seriously or acts cynical to never change, ever.

Expect characters with mortal wounds to bleed at least 500 words of "inspiring" manifesto instead of regular blood. Expect them to take cues from Legend of Korra and always be mentally indomitable hardasses who never give up, always win because they're the good guys, always overcharge their bodies/powers without lasting consequence, and never have anything resembling a character arc. H-G-A-S. What does that spell? HILARITY!... Or the Death of Fun, depending on whether you're a reader or a GM/fellow player. 

If you want to know what a HGAS looks like and don't have enough literate middle schoolers to put one together, the Suicide Squad movie provides an eerily accurate example. You can practically hear the irrhythmic typing of the half-pubescents behind every ridiculous interaction.

The Noir Marine: The Noir Marine is like the Reasonable Marine in Warhammer. Except they're very boring, overly technical, and generally about as dry to read as a dictionary. So basically all the people that construct an army of Reasonable Marines in Warhammer. Army brats or just Arma Brats who always play dark, angsty mercernaries, worship "realism" and attempt to be the badass normal or batmans of the group, especially if they've been incorporated into a game that's fast becoming the adventures of the HGAS... But by virtue of their own Mythbusters code of honor, they can't allow themselves to use weapons that aren't real, or be as insanely overpowered as the others even though they try their damnedest. They may become an HGAS of their own in a game where only humans/realistic things are allowed, and lord a character's "inacurrate" or "impractical" nature over any player that hasn't similarly minmaxed their character according to the perceived limits of the human race.

Expect lots of internal monologues about war, and how war never changes. Expect all characters to suffer from mental illness and PTSD as a manner of convenience, and expect them to be very jaded and contemptuous elites with a chip on either shoulder, but ready to very emotionally die for their "Friends" as soon as the GM decides to clue in the players that a climax might be happening right now.

With the rise of the Skallagrim Grognards and the growing popularity of gritty fantasy, you can also find plenty of Noir Marines in fantasy or medieval settings, each trying to out-practical the other. They will more or less always try to emulate things like Game of Thrones, Berserk, and the gorier "realism" parts of the Warhammer Fantasy setting/rpg, no matter what feeling or gameplay the setting is attempting to evoke.

The Wizard of Space and Time: Their name may be different, their character sheet may be changed to fit the mold, but the Wizard travels through all settings and time periods more or less untouched by the constrictions of the world around them. The Wizard is a perfect individual, an idealized version of, no doubt, the author. And despite being so heavily based on a person from the real world, they will have a negligible reaction to even the most extraordinary of occurences. If it is especially strange or surreal, expect them to do the "Silent Eye-widening" reaction of a character who is clearly too cool and too serious for this silliness. (If you don't know what this looks like, check out any amateur anime, sonic, or pokemon OC fan animations, the apparent originators of this cancerous living emoji expression.) They aren't necessarily super powerful, and don't cause HGASes when they group together... But quite often, habitual HGASsers will have one or more Wizardly characters to go with them.

The Godzilla: If your game is to be about barebones survival, guerilla warfare, horror, mystery-solving, politics, or just a peaceful slice of life, expect The Godzilla to be an absolute (sometimes literal) beast specialized in raiding for supplies, open combat, horror-slaying, war-fighting, and brawling, and expect them to be constantly trying to instigate those aforementioned things. The Godzilla is the orphan high schooler whose father regularly gave him commando training and mastery of the family blade before somebody promptly mass-assassinated their family. Presumably to keep the weebs from laying more eggs. The Godzilla is the bulletproof scorpion centaur with Deadpool healing and acid blood in the Mass Effect squad. The Godzilla is the giant "genetically modified" hyperintelligent Deathclaw Legendary who hangs out with a group of regular survivors for some reason and randomly kills some of them. 

They will often be ridiculously powerful/good at what they're doing, and call YOU a godmodder if you claim to survive, escape, block, or in any way negate anything they're doing. They're usually in the minority, but 3 or more in an rp with a lot of players can create a Hindu God Avenger Confederacy as a separate "subset" of the plot. This term is inspired by the aforementioned invincible Deathclaw, whose character and the characters of his HGAS clique were sort of Wizards of Space and Time all their own, from an rp that the "survivors" posthumously nicknamed "A Boy and his Dogzilla", which later morphed into just  "Godzilla". 

This character appeared in many rps since, but ever since the intelligent members of the original site started ousting him and the other parts of the forum left over started filling with idiot noobs, he left and I only ever saw him once again years later... As the Deathclaw was apparently his default character for scaly fetish cyber shit. Oh how time changes people!

There may or may not be a helluva lot of overlap between people who fit the various descriptions here. There are quite a lot of symptoms, and it is possible to be all of them, in one or any genre!