ISentinelPenguinI, The Novelist
One day I had a test, and the teacher farted, and then this kid bent over to pick up his pencil, and everyone was scared because they thought they heard a gunshot and there was a school shooting, but actually it was a deafeningly loud flatulence emitted from the kid who picked up his pencil, with such tremendous force and pressure that his pants had ripped open and were smoking. And everyone was laughing, but the kid was pissed.
He got up on his chair and screamed something like, "OH YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY DO YOU!?"
He grabbed one of the girls, and there were many gasps, "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU ASSHOLES FUNNY!"
He shoved the girl out of the way, and took a massive shit on her desk. The class laughed, and even applauded. For the first 2 minutes, at least, but the kid would not stop shitting. Eventually it overloaded the desk and started to drop onto the floor. At 5 minutes, the giggles gave way to horrified screams. Worms and blood started to appear within the shit, and the oils of his eyes were diluting with lymph and starting to drip down his face.
10 minutes, and he was shitting this constant stream of worms like a faucet, they were pooling out underneath him and writhing over each other, burrowing into whatever they could find. The floor was too hard for them, but they found the girl's shoes. You could hear them chewing on everything they could find. They made little clicking noises wherever they bit on something, it was like dumping one bag of marbles into another... But then they found the girl's flesh underneath her shoes and socks, and boy howdy...
The worm hoard sort of swarmed her and started burrowing into whatever bits and bobs they could find. As they chewed, it sounded like those aforementioned marbles were being poured into a bowl of semi-hard jello. A thousand little splats in an orgy of blood and gluttony.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES!" Screamed the fart kid, "CAERBOG EXTRICATES!"
He just kept shitting worms and screaming about our glorious holy lord and savior Caerbog. Just sitting there. The worms turned to eyeballs all melted and grafted together, and the molten skin of his rectum slowly started dribbling down between his legs, but he just kept going. His real eyes were totally gone by this point, and actually his bare testicles were dangling out of one eyehole by their epidydimus, but what was even funnier was that a little horse fetus (Couldn't be more than two months) was desperately trying to escape from his head, but he was too big to fit through the eyeholes, so he just kept squealing and stamping impotently at the walls of his flesh prison.
Eventually, the eyes and the worms and the shit were creating this massive pool of shit that was ankle-deep over the floor of the room, and the girl being eaten by the worms was now a skeleton full of boreholes and tiny bitemarks. The class started really laughing their asses off as her jaw fell off, and one kid even fell out of his chair laughing and was devoured by worms, eyes-first.
The kid just kept on shitting. His legs had been worn down by worms into just nubs of flesh, so no one was surpised when the entire lower part of his torso burst open and started spraying eyeballs and bloody shit everywhere.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES! CAERBOG EXTRICATES! CAERBOG EXTRICAAAATES!" he screamed. More kids laughed themselves into the waist-deep pile of worms.
The teacher just stood on his desk with a look of utter disappointment on his face.
"Caerbog does not exist, you zealous religious faggot." Said the teacher, driving a knife into his belly as the holy purgative fires of Caerbog began biting into the flesh of his taint.
Long story short, the kid got a detention, and our sides fucking exploded that day. Even the fucked up skeleton whose desk he shat on was laughing. You can still hear her laughing if you put your ear to her grave. It's just underneath the floorboards of the basketball court.
It was so hilarious though. You had to be there for the full effect. He was just squatting over her desk with the same strained look on his face the whole time. I mean, while he could still squat and move his face, I guess.
If you came to this page in hopes of learning more about me, you're boning up the wrong tree.
this is a loosely satirical and somewhat more gamey version of the game that isn't really a game. thanks to the creative juices of Bardockwest. The ORIGINAL: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/randomly-walk
I discovered a thing that JJJ wrote. It told me all about this quiz-making shit. I followed the instructions, even though I disobeyed JJJ's opening lines by starting this WITHOUT a basic knowledge of any of that weird scripty shit he recommended. This was low-effort as all hell, don't ever use the classic editor for anything you care about.
AQIMFTBHOIA DLC: THE UPDATE DESCRIPTION
Since some of my questions contained outdated information and I needed to make sure everything was in working order, I unpublished this thing. Since I understand this to be something that generally fucks with ratings, I'm gonna add 5 more questions so you have more of a reason to rate it again. Also, every question now has a stupid answer. These are the ones that are so blatantly wrong/non-answers that they give you negative points... Some are better hidden than others. Aside from most of the endings being revamped, there are two new endings! One is for people who're spectacularly awful at quizzes, and the other is an ending for people who go off the beaten path... By being really bad at quizzes.
No, I will not add a thing at the end that shows your score. If you want to know your score, you have to dick-measure in the comments yourself. Drill Sergeant Nasty has always been an accurate barometer for how well you did, in my eyes.
fucking bullshit ass fuck dammit shit asshole tits on a duck fucking a pile of dipshit dumbfuck ass.
Flame Wars Dice Roller.
Just a little story to see how I can place my pictures around text.
Articles WrittenA Tutorial for Teachers
Recent PostsWizards and Towers on 2/20/2018 4:02:13 AM
I doubt very many wizards have high willpower to be honest. I mean, since the basic requirement in gaining wizard powers is maintaining your virginity until age 30, you only really have to be an autist with no upper body strength to see yourself joining the ranks of the supernatural.
That doesn't necessarily mean you have a high willpower, unless you're an otherwise attractive and functioning person that wanted to be a wizard since he was a child. In fact, you'd probably be hard-pressed to find wizards that aren’t hideous greasy neckbearded slugs. As they say, the Fedora is the new floppy gandalf cap.
True story, bro. on 2/15/2018 6:53:14 PM
"Sometimes dead is better" is a pretty common theme in fiction. Though when it's a slave in the basement of a boat who wants the Bart Simpson treatment, there are just too many stars in alignment there. Also, oddly enough, most instances of mercy killing I've seen in media are decided by the killer, not requested by the killed. E.G. The lobotomite in the movie about the psycho nurse, Khal Drogo...
Your Superpower of Choice? on 2/15/2018 6:41:15 PM
The ability to control time in any way I want. It covers all the bases that everyone picks their superpowers for. You want immortality? Fine, undo time on yourself. You want a disguise? Become a kid or an old person. You want practical help with everyday things? You functionally have an eternity to do everything you want in an instant. You want to win fights with other people or supers? Slow time down and even Bruce Lee looks like a telegraphed haymaker-machine. Or just Freeze time, kill somebody with their weakness, and skip town, that's it for them. As long as you're protected from paradoxes and it's innate, it's exactly the perfect power.
Wildest experiences on 2/13/2018 6:59:14 PM
One time I met a guy on Discord who was an actual Ugandan warlord/cultist kinda guy. He went on a lot about his philosophies and made violent threats. Very fanatical about his cult, some sort of psuedo-theology. He claimed to contact and command his people by being in contact with a bunch of weird psuedo-egyptian animal-headed gods, like a toad, some sort of warrior figure that appeared to be a bloody red rodent, and a formless mother-goddess type that demanded sacrifice all the time, known only as "The Queen". Whenever we questioned him about us, he would say something along the lines of "I spit on you!" or "You do not know the way!" He seemed to get pretty angry with me on voice chat, to the point where all he would do was speak in Ugandan tongues and click at me until I stopped trying to argue with him. Eventually he stopped posting and I'm pretty sure it's because he bought into his own messianic hype and went kamikaze.
Taking vacations alone (sometimes) on 2/13/2018 5:57:28 PM
South Africa's got some very nice places if you do your research and know where you won't die. North Africa's a little more dangerous if you don't know what you're doing because of its proximity/cultural influence to the middle east. East and West Africa's a little more eh, mostly
because it's moderately close to both the Middle East and Central Africa. Central Africa's the place you don't go unless you have mercernaries/a buddy system that makes it harder to disappear... Then again basically all foreign countries are dangerous if you go out into an urban area and don't know any local languages.
Another class project on 2/9/2018 9:10:30 PM
We... We do have articles about this kind of thing too now... Just saying... *Sniff*
Another class project on 2/9/2018 7:50:47 PM
Everything we did was just fine. If you'd taken a bit to actually study the site you were entering, maybe you would have a better idea of our policies. It might be public property, but you can't go have a picnic on the borders of a country and then get upset at border control splitting you up. There were rules in place you didn't read, that doesn't put them in the wrong.
Another class project on 2/9/2018 7:47:32 PM
Nah, we just care about reading stories as well as writing them. Considering there are rewards and reasons to read most or all of the stories on the site, we consider it reasonable to try and make the experience of reading more as crap-free as possible.
Another class project on 2/9/2018 7:27:12 PM
We do. It's been explicitly, and helpfully stated by the administration in the Help and Info section that publishing is a privilege here, not a right. We reserve the right to delete what's been written and mock it accordingly if it reads like cock. Freedom of speech, after all. We just don't have to put up with accounts that openly harrass people we like, or stories that are shit.
Another class project on 2/9/2018 7:22:26 PM
And on the year or so anniversary after the "School mode" thing was accepted as a feature, nobody's so much as submitted an article to the teachers in warning! Somebody ought to actually do something about the vermintide or we're just gonna be doomed to repeat these purges over and over again!