A Hero is Born..

Player Rating4.08/8

"#318 overall, #35 for 2012"
based on 385 ratings since 02/06/2013
played 7,783 times (finished 572)

Story Difficulty4/8

"march in the swamp"

Play Length4/8

"A well spent lunch break"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

This is my first game so please leave CONSTRUCTIVE comments (even if there harsh). This is the first of a series I believe i will just make 2 or 3 episodes. and please keep the negativity to a low.

 

Raven is the main character along with Sparrow i know I know bird names but this is the beginning of a series of events and you have a few of the dead endings one neutral ending and one ending that actually is good. You start out as a child and you actually have to think what you would do and remember some will be a bit confusing at first but please stick with it.

NOTE: maturity is because of cussing so anyone uncomfortable with lude or bad  language please don't blame me

 

UPDATED

I read some comments and i am sorry for any grammar errors and note this is the beginning to a longer series like a intro and to any who don't like fifty fifty choices I will work on that in my next installment.

Also I will work on making it easier to follow.

UPDATED

Not all are going to be this short it's more of a experiment it's my first game and really more of a intro to build up back story.

Also had it proof read

Player Comments

You have creativity but do not express it very well in this story. It literally took me 5 minutes to get to the end. The character development was atrocious. I knew next to nothing about Sparrow and Raven and where they came from. I didn't know what they look like, I didn't know their personalities, I didn't know where they were headed. Also there's no fluidity. There are so many plot holes you'd think I was looking at a piece of Swiss cheese. First off, where in the hell did a farm boy learn to fight well enough to take on five boys, who more than likely had some formal training, single-handedly. Second, where is Thull Forest from his home? What lands did he have to travel through? Was he being chased? How long did it take him to get there? Third, how did the black hand find location? Who told them? What gave him away? Also, if he assaulted five black hand and that is such a heinous crime to cause him to leave home, why was his bounty only 50 gold? Finally, where for fucks sake did the Griffin come from??? Where did they meet? How did they become friends? And if they were seen running off towards the Griffin why were they not followed? If the black hand could scry in on them, why did he not follow them? I'm starving here man, and this story barely has enough meat in it for a single mouthful. And before you start this is just an intro two the sequel game, that does not excuse your laziness. If you're going to write the entro as its on game it needs to be able to stand alone. Sadly this does not. Hell it took me longer to write this comment than it did to read your story.
-- DaCaRi on 4/11/2016 2:41:14 AM
Your creativity is just fine but you need to work on character development and smoothly integrating the reader into the story. Your actual writing needs a lot of work and you need to proofread. The biggest problem with this story was the complete lack of choice. Every choice either brought you forward or ended the game and that's not acceptable.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 3/23/2014 8:50:27 PM
I like how in one of the endings you manage to live a long, happy life (albeit with unfulfilled potential) despite not having saved the day. Most storygames on this site would write that ending with the evil guys destroying the world. It brings a sense of realism into your world - just because you're living under an oppressive rule doesn't mean you can't live a fulfilling life.

It appears you've fixed up the grammar problems you were apparently having. I never saw the story in its original form but the story now looks expertly written. I'm very impressed with this. Try to keep this level of quality for your future storygames.

There were still a few typos (eg. "stoo" instead of "stoop"), and one or two of your sentences were a little confusing (I have no clue what you meant by "as always, north leads to safety").

You leave the reader uninformed when making some choices throughout the storygame. Sometimes this works well, but in other situations - like when you have to choose to go left or right - you could offer a description of what each path looks like, or give some background knowledge on where each path *might* be headed.

Also, having the entire fate of someone's life determined by whether they go right or left down a path is a little silly, especially if he's going to end up in the same area (Thul and the surrounding forest) regardless of which path he picks. Maybe you could have added additional pages detailing your first encounters with the blacksmith/blacksmith's daughter and with the griffon, and have the player make a choice from that?

Either way, this is far too short and incomplete to earn a decent rating from me but you're a competent writer and I like your writing style. Keep it up!
-- October on 2/25/2013 7:52:41 AM
Okay so one thing i can tell you is that you need to work on your grammar, (and so do i) there are many points in the story where you misspell words like "He stoo up with his bow" proofreading will help with that, also your story seems a bit cliche, for example your protagonist is a farmboy now that alone isn't a flaw if you make your protagonist work for his powers and not just be the chosen one but that's the thing your character is the chosen one moving on to cliche number 2. The black hand is stereotypicaly evil with no motivation except to be bad however that might change in part 2
-- L0garithmSt0rys on 1/26/2019 4:57:21 AM
goodwork
-- rocker on 12/27/2018 1:28:55 PM
It was short, and it didn't make much sense-sorry, but it wasn't quality stuff. There was also no strategy, it was, "guess which one! Nope! You're wrong! Now your guts are smeared on the street!" It was also rather ridiculously gory in descriptions. If you stab someone, I don't think their whole stomach will fall out. Sorry again, but it's true.
-- The Moi on 11/30/2018 9:07:07 PM
I really enjoyed this game, it's fantastic and well written.
-- Jimbob1 on 7/3/2018 4:07:58 PM
SO STUPID, NO OFFENCE
-- PrincessStarlight on 5/1/2018 11:47:07 AM
Got bored playing this. Meh.
-- WildBoar on 4/19/2018 8:55:01 PM
Way too short
-- Jodl on 4/12/2018 9:54:01 PM
Show All Comments