Cannibals Roam

Got the BEST ENDING and this got some laughs out of me. You didn't need the disclaimer in the description, it didn't matter that it was your first story, though I enjoyed it and hope it won't really be the only one you write.

I like that we got all the usual action/zombie cliches out of the way right away (well most of them...you forgot to make her a MMA expert with a katana in addition to being a hot 22 yr old scientist...) and it was all just good silly fun even if it was pretty short.

It's certainly wacky, and with some self-referential humor that lampoons the zombie genre. I enjoyed playing through it, and even if there wasn't much suspense because the consequences of every choice were essentially laid out, I didn't mind it because your quirky writing style was more interesting, personally, than a zombie story where I already (roughly) knew what to expect.

My only advice would be 'show not tell', since there are a lot of ways to build up your character as a young, intelligent badass without info-dumping everything right at the start.

Other than that, for a first game, it was a good start, and I hope this isn't your only game because I'd enjoy seeing more games in this wacky style of yours. If this is what you could throw together in a day, then I'm sure you could put together something really worthwhile if you gave yourself more time.

Er... ok. You need to have a lot of confidence in your story if you are presenting it to the reader and your writing style is a bit... different. The fact the character is 22 and a virgin is a bit irrelevent: the story sounds a bit like someone describing a role play than an actual story which should be in the third person. You have told the story more than written it which is ok if it's clearly meant to be anecdotal or a diary entry or something similiar but this is a bit... gossipy :)
Your writing style is actually better than you seem to think and very accessible for teen readers but if you tell the reader exactly what's going to happen when they pick a certain choice it takes all the surprise and challenge out of multiple choice options, the story gets better as you go further into it and there's a feel you really get into the flow of writing.
I quite enjoyed this because it was different but it might benefit from being less informal, I guess your a teen writer so you know exactly how to write for teen readers :) I hope this isn't your only story: it was pretty entertaining and like anything else the more you write the better you'll get at writing :D

im hot this is s sick story bro
6049970987 this is my number im ready to smash

this was amazing sjdhiusdhiwjknkwshdbhsb
also it was very short

I loved this, it was pretty short, but really fun and interesting!!

twas good not really a horror story tho

I got the best ending :)

this game sucks. I hate it

its a very nice story