Hikikomori: An Adventure Outside

After reading through this I have some thoughts to share, hopefully you can find something useful among it all.
WARNING, the following contains major SPOILERS.

First, I would like to say that I read through all of it, but I might have missed some things. The 'branches' seemed to mainly be one main branch with a few earlier endings thrown in. Do message me is I am wrong and I will come back and try to find the rest of the story.

OK now what I want to mention is the thing that I was most disappointed in. After I defeated the blinds by closing them, I was forced to go onto the computer and get the internet ending.
This made me somewhat sad because I made it my mission to close them and this ending seemed to ignore the fact that I closed them to begin with.
Also, personally, I prefer to be on a computer in a well lit environment. From what I could gather the light from the window was all there was excluding the faint blue of the computer.
A lamp was mentioned but I don't recall it being turned on (or being given a choice to turn it on).

Anyways, moving along, I would like to mention that there was a good amount of choices, but many of them didn't amount to anything. Some let you loop around, which isn't that great, while one had a simple "No." page dedicated to it.
I feel that, at least the "No." page, was not a meaningful choice in anyway.

Malkalack mentioned that "flat-out refusing a choice robs the reader of agency".
This is very true, and robbing the reader of agency (control I would say) is very detrimental as this is a "chooseyourstory" site.

If the option instead had you fail, rather than a flat out, meta refusal, it would have been better.
Not being able to do what you try and do is fine, it has it's place. But what you done with the "No." page is like a slap. I would avoid such choices in future stories.

However do Note that such choices could have a place in a certain type of storygame, I just feel that in this case it wasn't the best choice.
It doesn't feel like it adds anything meaningful to the story in anyway, not to mention it seemed to only happen once (in this direct manner).

I think a few of the other choices also 'failed', mainly because of the self doubt of the protagonist. However this was done a lot better because it added some depth to the character, it felt more in line with the story.
The character was really struggling to get up, they had to force themselves to do it by trying multiple times.

Another thing worth mentioning is that there was some lack of consistency with the 'Endings'.
If I recall correctly, only the last endings (as in, click through the most to reach them,) had 'End Game and Leave Comments" as an option.

I can understand you wanting the reader to get a 'proper' ending before leaving a comment or rating the game, so I guess this is more of a choice that you need to make.

Another thing I wish to talk about is something mizal mentioned, namely "So this is pretty much Getting Out of Bed: the Game."
The early part of the game, which could honestly be more than half the game if my estimate isn't off, is just you trying to get up.
Yes, you can get an ending by staying in bed, but you won't get to 'End' the game, so you will likely end up getting up.

I would say you could remedy this by expanding the later part of the game, maybe let us explore the bathroom rather than telling us we don't need to go.
Or maybe even give us the option to fail spectacularly at making our own breakfast.

The story ending when you crumple the letter also feels a little... lacking, like you could still go eat the breakfast she mentioned!
Also, you are given the option like two/three times.
I guess this is to make reading through the whole thing feel more rewarding, but as the endings are the same one (I think) it just feels like a waste of choices.

Also the fact you can't get new flowers AND get a job is a little disappointing, but I suppose it would sorta defeat the purpose of the game if you could just do EVERYTHING.
This way I am encouraged to make a different choice.
So I guess it is fine.

Moving on, I would like to mention that the first few pages read a little weird to me, maybe it was just the phrasing of one sentence and it jarred me a little, but after that the rest read surprisingly well.

Use of imagery, namely through colour on some of the pages, shows that you have a good grasp on describing the scene.
You definitely seem to have the potential to write well, sadly I feel this type of story isn't the best way to showcase your writing skills.

I think that if you added just a little more beef to some of the more scare pages you could have really boosted the overall quality of the story.
This brings me back to consistency, it is very useful in leaving a positive impression. The few very well written parts just fail to really hold the story up when they are side by side with lacklustre endings and one word pages (the "No." page).

With some polish I am sure you could really improve this story into a great short Modern Adventure.
If you have the time, once this slips of the newgames section, consider unpublishing and improving what you have here.

I would suggest checking each page has a good deal of detail (some are fine for the most part), focus on consistency.
Add a bathroom path, can have an ending there even, that's fine, just make sure it has enough detail.

After that just reread the whole thing a few times to make sure it flows well, mouth the words to get a good feel for it.
In this time also look for phrasing that could be improved so that the story sounds even better.
Remember to keep a look out for grammar mistakes and misspellings.

If you do all this I think you'll have a great short story to decorate your profile with.

However you definitely don't need to work on improving this. Just please do try to learn from it.
I highly encourage you to try writing another story, a short one again is perfectly fine. With it try to implement what you have learnt from writing this first story.

The more you write the better you will get.
Your writing is definitely not bad, the main issue is that it isn't all on the same level. If the whole story was written the way the best parts were then it would really shine.

I would also like to encourage you to try adding in some dialogue in your next story, the closest thing here was the self talk and the letter.
However it definitely isn't needed.

P.S. The way the mother wrote the letter... felt like she was just talking, rather than it being something she wrote.
This isn't necessarily bad, just pointing it out. This does tell us quite a lot about the relationship between the parents and their characters, which is pretty surprising considering that it was rather short.


To finish up, feel free to message me if you want my feedback on something a bit more specific, this is mostly just my thoughts as they came to me.
As such, you don't really need to worry too much about what I wrote here, just try to get something useful out of it.

And again, I highly encourage you to keep writing. You will only improve.

TL;DR
Lots of room to improve, but there were good parts and potential has been shown.
I highly encourage you to keep writing.
Feel free to message me.

Good luck.

This was quite irritating.

As I'm going through these games, I can't help but feel an intense hatred for the ability to have the reader restart the game instead of ending the game.

Interesting game. I wonder how many endings there are actually. I like the loop ending # 4 because it's a brilliant repeat. ;) If you have time please also play and rate my escape the room game, thanks!
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/yay-or-nay~3f
The endings I got:
END A: It's a Choice.
END B: Productive Member of Society.
END C: A body in motion, stays in motion.
END 4: An Emptiness, Welcomed.
You quickly enter the wormhole that is the Internet. Though you can't really say that you hadn't chose this out of your own volition, the activity is a good past time none the less. You sign in contentment as you further your descent into welcome solitude. (That's edgy.)

Not terribly written, but nauseatingly linear. Also, flat-out refusing a choice robs the reader of agency. 2/8

So this is pretty much Getting Out of Bed: the Game.

The writing is passable, but I'm not sure if this is all that accurate to the hikikomori phenomenon really. It didn't give the impression of being set in Japan, and it seems more like just your run of the mill crushing depression. (A reliance on the parents and an aversion to social interaction doesn't necessarily go hand in hand with living in filth or having it be a struggle just to crawl out of bed in the morning.)

Either way the 'best' ending felt a little too abrupt and simple, I doubt a person withdrawn into that kind of situation would just instantly go 'yeah, I guess I'll apply for a job' without some major soul searching and second guessing, and/or outside help.

Well.. that was fun.
It remind me to myself.
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