Hollow Hearth

Player Rating3.56/8

"#584 overall, #57 for 2016"
based on 74 ratings since 08/21/2016
played 507 times (finished 77)

Story Difficulty1/8

"no possible way to lose"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level7/8

"anything goes"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.

A seemingly empty home, in a seemingly dull town, with a seemingly vacant you. However, things are not always as they seem.

Awaken in a strange place and inspect your surroundings. Discover who you were, are, and will be. Embark on a journey to reveal how you arrived in this manor, and who previously owned it. There are no good or bad endings because no story ever ends. You might however wish to turn back time. Will you like what you discover or will you wish you hadn't?  Time will tell... 

 

 

(Trying some things out and took the systems advice to create a simple game and already regretting it as the paths are too linear. Anyway check out this slice of pie and see how you like the taste. It doesn't go very far, but I'm willing to continue with the advanced options.)

Player Comments

Kind of a mixed bag, but there's some genuinely good imagery and a hell of a lot more potential than I usually see from brand new authors here.

People dislike seeing incomplete stories posted, especially since you just joined a couple of days ago and that implies you rushed this out, but honestly I'd say it's an impressive effort. If the last page were tweaked a bit to make the ending not quite so abrupt, and you cleaned up your grammar and a few other issues, this would be a perfectly respectable entry. As it was I enjoyed it a lot more than I expected too, based on the other comments.

Along with adjusting the ending, the very beginning could stand to have a page added. You mention in the description that the idea is to find out how you arrived at the manor and etc, but the description can't be used to fill in gaps in the story itself. The reader is just kind of thrown into things with zero explanation, and no further info is given on the character themself.

Now, as far as grammar goes:

\Curious as to how you arrived here, a mirror reflects the silver light in the far corner of the room.\ -- The way you've worded it makes it the mirror that's feeling curious, and it's an awkward sentence either way. You need two seperate ones here. 'Curious as to how you arrived here, you carefully examine your surroundings. A mirror...etc.' Or something like that.

As far as clumsy sentences goes, that line jumped out at me, but otherwise the writing was pretty good. As I said, lots of nice imagery used throughout this, and it really helped create atmosphere.


\A large dresser rests across from you, its warped and sagging.\

\Lean and agile, your body resembles that of a dancers.\

\This might be your only chance to snoop through an old ladies things!\

\Its not locked and you're home free\

\Its as if the place had been searched\

\The books resting place is straight from a classic fantasy tale.\

\Upon touching the book you draw your hand back suddenly, its warm\

\The spiders legs sprout towards the fore edge of the b ook and grasp around to the other side\


The first sentence of the story had me almost crying in happiness because it looked like I'd found a new author who understood the difference between its and it's! But alas, that was only a fluke. I'd recommend more proofreading and a brushup on how possessives work. There and their might be an issue as well. (\The second hand repeatedly strikes against the three and the other hands are stuck their as well.\)

https://www.grammarly.com/handbook/ is an excellent resource, and of course you can always ask in the Writing Workshop here for proofreaders.

Oh and just fyi, it's a ruby brooch, not a broach. And you've got 'selves' a couple times in the study instead of shelves.

/You think that whatever you saw is waiting just at the base of the steps ready to strike./ -- Wait, what? I never saw anything at the base of the steps! Apparently the story is assuming I orginally chose 'Left to the Stairs' instead of 'Right to the Clock'. If you're going to give the player the option to skip pages or come at them through different routes you need to track what information they have and haven't seen. A simple variable would handle this for you. It'd make giving players an option to be male of female a lot easier to work with as well.

3/4 for now, but I'd probably raise it a star if the punctuation and all that were cleaned up.

You've got a great imagination, and now that you're over your newbie phase I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future! Please do make use of the Writing Workshop forum and articles available, and don't be afraid to ask questions.
-- mizal on 8/21/2016 9:51:02 PM with a score of 0
A bit inconsequential.
-- jojo8 on 2/18/2019 7:08:32 PM with a score of 0
"Escaped the Manor"

Hopefully, escaped from the Bishop! ;D
-- TestingJest on 11/13/2017 11:45:55 PM with a score of 0
it was cool
-- Novalyn on 10/2/2017 2:18:00 PM with a score of 0
This was a very good story I enjoyed it.
-- Iquarius on 3/15/2017 8:27:05 AM with a score of 0
OK. Some spelling errors. My biggest complaint is that I wasn't given choices sometimes and the only way forward was I choice I wouldn't normally do. Good job with the story anyway. :)
-- Quorrah on 1/18/2017 1:43:08 PM with a score of 0
Nice style of writing. I would have liked more choices. I at least got an ending so I'm not disappointed. Keep at it and have someone proofread for you.
-- BigRonn77 on 9/21/2016 1:49:41 PM with a score of 0
I just just clicked the top "answer" and I won wow
-- xDERPYxCREEPERx on 9/16/2016 7:20:46 AM with a score of 0
The story is intriguing and very well written. You certainly have a grasp upon higher level wording and grammar. Simply fantastic and enjoyable.
-- Apollo118 on 9/10/2016 1:59:23 PM with a score of 0
i escaped! i think that's a good thing...
-- annaisawesome on 9/6/2016 7:34:20 PM with a score of 0
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