Polly wanna cracker?
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played 250 times (finished 70)
"walk in the park"
"A nice jog down the driveway"
"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.
The story of how a young boy befriended a pirates discarded parrot, and how they grew up together.
Seto and BigRonn covered some of the improvements I also thought about, but here are my other thoughts on this story:
- Firstly, I'd like to say I enjoyed this. It's got a pretty transparent feeling behind it that lends itself to innocence, especially at the start when the MC is younger.
- When I saw you writing that Andrew could live for like 70 years I thought it was an excuse just to write a whole lifetime with the pet, so I was pretty shocked when I looked it up to find some of them actually live up to like 100 years. Mental.
- The main issue to this story is the length. The writing is above average and uses good description in some cases, though, as some of the others have pointed out, there are some spelling issues and one or two grammatical ones. It wouldn't take long to unpublish and run through to eliminate these.
- I didn't feel like there was much of a premise to the story. Why am I playing? There's no conflict, and without conflict there isn't too much reason to read on. You don't need conflict, but you can't find many stories without it in one form or another.
These are some more picky criticisms. Quite a lot of this is criticism, but I think your writing has a lot of potential with more work and time, which is what almost all things worth reading and writing are made with. I'm looking forward to reading your Summer Slam entry.
- The whole 'I almost lost him that day.' thing was built up without much reason. The vets came in and a little detail was glossed over and they basically said he'd get better and that was the end of it. Something a little more dramatic might have worked here, because the moment of panic of 'Oh no my parrot might die' is very quickly defused by the 'nah, just give him these parrot meds and he'll be G in a week.'
- A minor gripe is how savage your mum is. I thought it was pretty funny that she was basically like 'Oh, you will take Andrew, your beloved childhood pet, right? You wouldn't just leave him here, would you!?" and then, when I obviously chose 'yes' because Andrew's a frickin' parrot I got off a legit pirate, she was like 'Oh... Too bad bitch. Pretty sure it said 'No Pets Allowed'. What's the matter, you're not going to cry are you?' Brutal.
- I think one-click links would have worked in this story, like when you're writing down stuff about Andrew.
- I don't really understand why it's an option to jump out the window, break my legs, and end the game when I'm sitting down to right a biography for my pet. I guess if the MC is feeling crazy or suicidal it would have been good to add that in the text before the option; I just didn't feel it really fitted.
- Man, the ending was fairly depressing, but I can see why you wrote that.
All in all, a decent story so well done.
on 7/24/2017 12:15:20 PM with a score of 0
A strange tale indeed. While very linear with a few typos throughout, it was kind of cute. It had a child-like innocence to it that I find hard to be too harsh on. Could there be more depth to the story sure but if this is a children's story it's not needed. What is lacking is the choice part of the choose your own story with the only real choice being what career path you take which even then didn't seem to impact the story all that much. Proofread to clean up the writing or have someone else proofread it for you. And work on adding more story lines to branch out with. Still it's got potential so keep writing.
on 11/25/2016 10:38:57 AM with a score of 0
Well, that was kind of cute, though it was linear and rather short...there really should have been choices that'd affect the story because the ones I clicked did nothing to change anything.
There were also a few mistakes such as "tood" instead of "told", but nothing you can't fix with a little proofreading and spellchecking(There's actually a spellcheck tool)so I suggest you proofread and spellcheck your storygames before you publish next time. Overall, the writing was okay.
Also, I would have liked to hear a bit more about the parrot. Since this is a story centered around a boy and a parrot, your main goal would be to make the reader care about the parrot. While I was given glimpses, there wasn't much.
Some storygames work with the "less is more" approach, but this one doesn't do well like that.
I really do enjoy all the new storygames you've been publishing! ^-^
on 11/23/2016 11:50:45 PM with a score of 0
There were some misspelled words, and that you have to fix them. Also, the story was short, and your title is incorrect. It is supposed to be Polly Wanna Cracker? Or Does Polly Want a Cracker?
Story wasn't that great. But anyway, nice job.
-- Daka da Maka on 5/23/2017 10:38:39 PM with a score of 0
It made me cry :'(
on 4/15/2017 11:49:50 PM with a score of 0
Well, this was certainly different. Though I'm not sure it was particularly well executed. Like Seto said, I think we could have done with a bit more story around the protagonist and the parrot bonding.
on 1/12/2017 3:40:49 PM with a score of 0
Goosebumps at the ending!
on 11/28/2016 7:55:31 PM with a score of 0
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