Player Comments on The Unwritten Jedi
On a structural level the writing in this storygame is actually pretty good. For example, you have good grammar and sentence structure. You didn't use much detail but what you did use painted a nice picture in my mind. You also have a pretty okay understand of the understanding of the Star Wars universe, which is important when writing fanfiction. Using a two-manned starship to transport the master and padawan, such as a Y-Wing, was a nice detail. The only thing that stuck out was the Gungan speaking perfect Basic (the standard language of the Star Wars universe. Sounds like English to us).
I think your story had two major pitfalls. First, it was just too short. I think there were three choices made. And the pages were short too, with only a few sentences on each. This meant there was little character development, plot progression and little chance to flavor the text with details.
The second issue is the lack of meaningful choices. One of the choices was choosing which planet to go to, just simply clicking that determined whether or not the character fell to the darkside. A reader wants to feel they have more input over their characters decisions. If I'm going to fall to the darkside I want to it to be because I did something evil or was tempted by it.
I think you have a lot of potential as a writer, you just need to focus on longer scenes and your ability to show instead of tell. Give me more descriptions, show character's motivations and let them develop slowly.
on 3/29/2017 2:27:10 AM with a score of 0
Not bad. You're a pretty good writer and I think you'll probably get a lot better with time. Only problem I had with the story was the Sith endings. I'm fine with the whole him getting all angry and turning to the dark side thing, but it always says that he's doing this because he's decided the Sith are the good ones and so he goes around killing innocent people because it's the right thing to do. It doesn't make any sense.
on 11/18/2012 4:11:13 PM with a score of 0
Staying in the pool gives you slightly more options. But this story had so many interesting potential things that could have happened......and you wiped your ass with it and threw it down the drain. Bad story overall.
on 4/26/2018 9:34:05 PM with a score of 0
This was honestly very short. Some good writing but not very engaging. You have much to learn, young padawan
-- Kal'Otho on 1/25/2018 11:42:12 PM with a score of 0
-- blob on 10/30/2017 4:34:08 PM with a score of 0
It was ok
-- Lona Shanaz on 10/27/2017 8:35:29 AM with a score of 0
Very short, no build up, nothing to really get you hooked or interested before it ends. The writing has potential, but the story was just empty.
-- AM on 10/22/2017 7:26:13 AM with a score of 0
I thought that this short story was quite touching, and I really liked it. I did wish that it was longer though, but this was simple and sweet. You have a great amount of potential to be an excellent writer. In the future Neal, please try to make the games a bit more longer, and give it more detailed endings. You should elaborate on the characters feelings though. Otherwise, I thought this was a nice book, and you did a good job on it.
(I'm looking forward to your next Star-Wars games if you will create any!)
on 10/17/2017 10:06:34 PM with a score of 0
on 10/6/2017 11:19:52 PM with a score of 0
Very short and simple. Needs more in the characters development. Could have been a lot longer. The story does have potential but as it is, it feels like the author just got tired and ended it in a rush.
on 11/17/2016 2:48:45 PM with a score of 0
It was to short
on 9/4/2016 8:36:10 PM with a score of 0
I would like to see this as a story but it is very very short. If this is a finished product I would give it a 1 or a 2 if its a work in progress I would go much higher. As it stands, I rated it a 4/8 whats here isnt bad but it def needs more to it
on 12/29/2015 10:14:31 AM with a score of 0
While this isn't by any means a bad story, there are quite a few things that bother me. First, what does water smell like? Does water, by itself, have a smell? I'm not saying that it is impossible for water to have a smell. It can smell musty, fishy, like a particular plant or mineral. But, what does it smell like in this scenario? Also, where did the Sith's influence over Gabri start? I don't feel that was very well explained.
on 2/18/2015 11:55:55 AM with a score of 0
Okay but short. The foundations are in place, but this needs to be developed into a full story.
-- Jordi P on 11/19/2014 12:10:27 PM with a score of 0
that was .... short
-- damon on 10/24/2014 2:04:37 PM with a score of 0
I only clicked like three things...
-- Nathan on 8/24/2014 12:36:59 PM with a score of 0
Uh...REALLY short, how the heck does your choice in life pivot on what PLANET you land on? The plot makes no sense, and you described...a normal Naboo Gungan thingy....
-- SolarSpaceProbe on 4/8/2014 9:23:20 AM with a score of 0
Great job! :D
on 10/24/2013 10:20:49 AM with a score of 0
Stupid jeti, you blaim people for your problems, you die. Life is a bitch so get used to it.
-- walker on 7/8/2013 1:53:57 PM with a score of 0
I enjoyed what I saw of it.
on 6/11/2013 2:51:39 AM with a score of 0
I liked it, but it was too short.
on 5/16/2013 10:22:48 PM with a score of 0
I liked it. But the problem was that I got so drawn into it..and then it stopped. I would love it if you continued it, in fact that would be awesome. All of it is good except the fact that it just randomly stops. That's the only thing that was wrong. Make more!
on 2/20/2013 3:41:40 PM with a score of 0
Yepp, you are a pretty good rating. Kinda short though. I say as others already said, that you'll eventually improve with future stories. Not sure if you already done that.
on 12/24/2012 4:52:20 PM with a score of 0
Good writing, but too short
on 6/2/2012 4:02:15 AM with a score of 0
I really liked the descriptions you had in the story. There were some things lacking though.
1) It was really short(But if this was your first attempt at a story this is understandable)
2) There was no buildup. Things happened way to quickly.
3) I wish there were more options for me to choose from.
If you improve on some of the things I mentioned I am sure you will create a great story. Keep trying!!
on 11/16/2011 5:22:55 PM with a score of 0
I think it had enough story to make up for few choices.
on 6/7/2011 1:10:36 AM with a score of 0
on 5/17/2011 11:45:49 AM with a score of 0
Moved to Fan Fiction.
on 9/3/2010 1:15:45 AM with a score of 0
Shouldn't this be in FF?
on 9/3/2010 12:48:34 AM with a score of 0
Read more like an excerpt than a real story. I'm disappointed by this incompleteness.
on 5/24/2009 2:11:53 AM with a score of 0
Didn't feel like a complete story to me, but the writing was pretty good. Keep it up, but make it longer.
on 5/21/2009 1:00:17 AM with a score of 0
Really short and pretty linear, but it has a great story and writing. Make it longer (twss) and I'm sure you'll go far kid.
on 5/20/2009 10:15:04 PM with a score of 0