Poxy4, The Reader

Member Since

9/20/2021

Last Activity

12/16/2022 8:16 AM

EXP Points

0

Post Count

34

Storygame Count

0

Duel Stats

4 wins / 4 losses

Order

Warden

Commendations

0

Hey there, cys-goers! I'm Poxy4, and I'm currently working on writing stories.

Storygames

The Rift Between Us
unpublished

In his last moments, a man thinks longingly back on what he could've done to save himself and, more importantly, his daughter.


Recent Posts

The Rift Between Us on 12/14/2022 2:34:22 PM

It is going to be a really short story, but of course this isn't the final draft. I have to go back an make a second or third draft for the opening until it works, which this draft doesn't. So the next draft will include more detail.


The Rift Between Us on 12/14/2022 2:32:51 PM

I'll keep that in mind when I'm writing in this guy's personality. Thanks!


The Rift Between Us on 12/14/2022 10:11:24 AM

I know, and when I first had this idea a few months ago I didn't know how I would do that. I decided on this:

  • Each time you play the game (assuming you never go back) you only get to make 5 choices, each a different thought.
  • For each choice, you have two options. The point of the game is to try again when the five seconds are over and gradually find out more about the man and his relationship with Francesca (the daughter). For instance, the first choice you have you can pick that he thinks of their good memories together, where you'll find out about his wife's death and how he stepped up to the plate to protect her. However, if you choose the other option (thinking about how bad a father he was) you'll learn that the girl was an accident and he wanted his wife to have an abortion. It's all about the individual thoughts he has as you progress in the game. When he dies, I assume they'll want him to die happy, right?
  • It is intentionally meant to be replayed.

I personally think it's a good idea, though unconventional (I may be very wrong).


The Rift Between Us on 12/14/2022 9:58:57 AM

Yeah, that's fair. What do you suggest I do, then?


The Rift Between Us on 12/14/2022 9:57:05 AM

Thanks a lot, actually, this really helps. I'm relatively new to choose-your-story writing so all of these comments are certainly going to be useful.

So, to make the story more interesting, I'll be focusing on improving the premise and writing. Once I'm done with my second draft, I'll make a second post and see what you think.

Once again, thank you so much for this reply.

(But I feel I should mention that this isn't a "the character lives or dies" situation, I'm trying to make it very clear that he dies, period.)


The Rift Between Us on 12/14/2022 7:56:54 AM

I do make a lot of typos, sorry, it's kind of just how I am. As for the tried thing, I think if I take that away it might suggest that he actually did get away. 

But of course, I'll be taking your feedback into account, especially the "tone setting" part.


The Rift Between Us on 12/14/2022 7:53:25 AM

Elaborate?


The Rift Between Us on 12/14/2022 7:52:27 AM
  • Good suggestion! I'll be sure to do that.
  • I wanted to keep the man somewhat underdeveloped, since the main focus of the story is his relationship with his daughter.
  • Yeah, I was thinking they might be a bit rough around the edges.

The Rift Between Us on 12/14/2022 7:48:50 AM

Thanks, I'll be sure to take these things into account while right the seconds draft for the introduction! I'm not a great writer, but I do believe that this'll help me improve the story.


The Rift Between Us on 12/13/2022 1:17:56 PM

Thanks! My original plan wasn't to have success endings, but I think the goal of the story would be for the man to be happy before he dies.

That is going to be revealed later in the story, but it's kind of like a racism thing. The town he grew up in is in a big nation that subjugates people like him, which is why he's poor. The government, like in Nazi Germany, gradually oppresses the people more until launching an attack on his city. The point of the story isn't really the man, but his life and his daughter. 

I will be fixing those sentences, though.

If you want to keep up with the story, you can find a preview on my userpage. Once again, thanks for the comments!