But it is a bit better right (grammatically) ?. 

I wish I could, but the project has to have a connection to the painting we chose ( i chose Wanderer above the sea of fog ).

and it gets waaaay more interesting after that, after that cliffhanger.

This page is a bit less exciting than the last one, this whole story actually is for school. Who would have thought that i am writing something willingly for school !

Wanderer above the sea of fog

7:00 AM

You wake up forcefully. An annoying sound pierces your ears, you turn around irritated. It is the new clock you bought yesterday. unlike everyone else you are an early riser and you always were and unlike others you prefer other forms of entertainment rather than the company of people. After the annoying sound is stopped, the silence sets in, you stare at the ceiling, a bit colorful just like your home in general. You are not used to waking up with such a high frequency, you're more used to the comforting sound of your phone, however you couldn't resist the beautiful shape of the clock at the local market yesterday, you consider yourself a collector of art, cheap art in this case but art nonetheless. 

You keep pondering over the purchase you made on your way to the bathroom. Just like your home, your bathroom is a bit different too, strange colors, unusual patterns, a bit........ artistic you convince yourself.

Going through your routine fairly quick, a shower and a cup of coffee are absolutely necessary. As you walk to the kitchen in your bath rope, the newspaper catches your eye, you pick it up and scan it quickly in hope of finding anything interesting, you can't help but be shocked at the news of the new museum opening TODAY. 

You have been wanting to visit it for a while now, art pieces from all around the world are found in the museum, a sense of excitement washes over your body. In a hectic pace you flip through your schedule, checking for the earliest chance to go.

2:00 PM 

You take a deep breath, the smell of the new car fills your nose with its compelling scent and partially your heart with pride. Landing a job at one of the Gagosians gallaries was not easy but with your expertise how could they say no? a smile is drawn on your face as the thought crosses your mind. You still hope to meet Gagosian one day, he is one of the, if not THE best art dealer(s) in America, you would learn so much from him. You swoon over the fantasy, before sliding the key near the wheel and putting the seat belt on.

Luckily enough the only planned activity for today was watching the new west world episode. The new museum would outweigh that easily, of course you might still get home early and watch it. It is a good day you tell yourself considering that the the roads are not stuffed with traffic like they usually are, but it should come as no surprise as this is your day off, meaning everyone should be working at this hour. Even your destination, the center of the city appears to be mysteriously kind of empty.

your view is greatly reduced and the atmosphere of the city resembles that of an abandoned town. 

" ......... and that is why we urge everyone to drive carefully, it is expected that the fog would remain until tomorrow" the voice of the weatherman on the radio rings deeply

The drive through the fog, even while it is weird, is very smooth and relaxing, coupled with the slow music and the fact that the parking lot is almost completely empty, you cant help but smile. "Good" you say, you never liked crowds to begin with, well people in general, that, without a doubt, explains why you barely go to any parties.

But in spite of the fact that your are a loner ( not your words) you still have friends, one less since last week but that is not important.

You shake your head, almost violently, as if trying to get your train of thoughts off track and in a try to focus a moment of silence passes. you get out of the car with one thing in mind. Emily. 

4:00 PM 

The colors are too bright, contrast bad in this one. the last one was in comparison beautiful, you wonder how they put two different pieces in the same section. you move to the next painting and the statue near it. 

Unpolished edges, you have witnessed finer art before. You glance at your watch.

" it is 4 PM already !?" you say out loud and take a look around. no one is here, everyone probably left, but the next wave will be coming soon.

you grin a bit, you always leave the best for the last, be it a cake or a TV show and the paintings here are no exception. 

"it is unbelievable that they brought it here" you mutter

You pass by the paintings you already thoroughly examined, going faster with every step, on the verge of running until you suddenly stop. You take one small turn and you are facing it. The artificial lighting on the ceiling highlights the figure on the gray boulder colorfully and the fog surrounding the area almost comes to life, moving slightly, dancing with your imagination. You focus your gaze after analyzing the edges at the center, at the back of the mysterious figure. The identity of the figure is still, despite the popularity of the painting, unknown. Many famous analyzers took guesses (calculated presumptions they called them), but not any really made sense and as Casper Friedrich is not alive anymore, it will eternally be shrouded in mystery.

It is truly brilliant, you saw it already through a computer screen, but it is not to be compared to the real thing. The figure peculiarly stands out and appears more familiar the longer you gaze.

In a moment everything goes dark. The lights go out. Unwilling to panic you wait calmly, after all the museum opened today, there is bound to be problems. you close your eyes and .............. shiver ? is it cold ?

Wow. Didn't expect that, you have my thanks.

Everything in my opinion was a spot on, especially the issue with the second person POV. I will keep everything you said in mind while writing. I however have one more request, namely would you mind reading another page of another story later ?

You don't need to correct it like you did with this one ( very thoughtful of you, thanks again ) and hopefully you wouldn't need to. I would be happy to know the overall feeling that you get from reading it.

Thanks, I am working on three stories simultaneously, so i think i am improving a bit.

Your feedback is more thank welcome.

Hey everyone, it has been a while, well three years since i joined the website. I am a big fan of EndMaster, actually his stories got me to read when i was a teenager and I would very much appreciate it if you guys could read this page of my old story and give feedback on my writing. I am right now in Germany and beside English i am learning German and Spanish and it has confused me quite a bit so excuse any grammatical errors.

                                                                            Death awaits

You harden the grip on your weapon as if your holding your own heart, the orcs are merciless, the area in front of you is filled with countless motionless bodies. You stand amidst soldiers in the fourth row. every row is consist of 100 man, with 10 rows in total, unlucky for you, only the first three rows have shields, the commander gave the best equipment to the main force and left you to die out here. You curse yourself for not taking the chance to desert the army, sweat is pouring  on your head like crazy, you can guess that its because your unit is just a diversion for the main force to gain entry, which will probably fail.

"there is no way we will live through this" the soldier in front of you say whispering to his friend.

" i would rather die than getting captured, i heard odalric is in the fort " the soldier replay toning his voice even lower.         

" the orc who loves torturing humans??".                                                                                                                        

 " they say he keeps his prisoners for hours until they beg him to end their lives............".

"hey do you think ........ that we will survive this ? ... " kayle asks you toning his voice down.

You met kayle when you first entered the army on the first day, he is a kind guy but lacks courage, letting go of what is rightfully his and always backing down. You do not consider him a coward and truthefully said he is not, his enviroment must have influenced him greatly while growing up.

Looking at him, his small features stand out among other soldiers. his face in your opnion is more suited to the courts and parties and his short blonde hair almost reflects the light of the sun, but his bloodshot blue eyes give him away, he didn't sleep for three days, since the commander revealed his glorious 'plan' .

" i don't really now , but ........ i know for sure that I will not lay down and die ." you replay

Staring at the top walls of the fort " the orcs like to fight up close " kayle says with a weak smile, trying to convince himself that arrows wont be shot like rain drops on him when our row enter the archers range. You smile too knowing fully that that is not true.

" once the fourth row enter the archers range , the whole unit will run to spare as many lives as possible " commander henry's instructions echo through your head . 

The fort before you is old, one of the first forts to be taken by the orcs, you have always been unlucky and your not surprised to be in the army of the most incompetent commander in history, a greedy noble with no real battle experience trying to quench his thirst for gold and attention, wasting the lives of hundreds of men by taking you deep into the orcs territory, barely equipped for a siege. 

The march is slow and tense and for the past two weeks the moral of the whole army was terrible, as you look around you see many soldiers crying, they have no doubt heard stories about the ruthless orcs but as much as you are worried that everyone  here will die, what you fear more is human's nature and instincts for survival.

The fort is surrounded by the forest's thick trees, it will provide some cover from the arrows, so........ what or who is stopping everyone from running away when hell breaks lose ???. Many will die here so the main force can survive, even thought there could have been a better plan , we cant change anything now. The orcs take notice of your unit's marching, and the archers ready themselves.

The drawn smiles on the orcs wicked faces turn the faces of the soldiers pale , their hearts beating with mixed emotions of fear and despair .

You hear the sound of the arrows piercing the wind , the orcs are firing their arrows ,the shields hold up against the arrows, and finally when your row enters their range ..... the army charges desperately clinging to hope  .

You look up at the sky, trying you predict the direction of the arrows,knowing that any second you could lose your life. your heart beats at a tremendous speed , you see an arrow coming your way and instantly the soldier to your left falls with a cry .

As you run you hear the terrifying shouts of pain, you try to keep your head down as much as you can while running. you turn right to kayle only to find him gone,many are lifting the shields of the dead off the ground, you search the field in front of you while running for a shield, you find one and charge at it as fast as your legs can run, stumbling around and almost falling, you pick up the shield only to find that a soldier is holding the other end, your eyes meet his only for an arrow to pierce his head, in a instance his eyes roll to the back of his head, his blood flies through the air splattering on your face .... horrified you run to the forest only to find a huge number of soldiers running with you .

You stop at the outskirts of the forest ..........

I guess I will do that .

So I guess I can't join the contest anymore ?

Thank you all , I'm now looking at other stories like you guys suggested.

Hey guys I'm new here been reading some stories before joining the site the most impressive story I have read is eternal really amazing. I'm trying to write my own story now why? Because I have nothing to do I don't have my laptop I'm writing on a iPhone and will still. Be the same for 2 months don't ask why.

anyway the story is about dragon ball z set in a parallel universe and set 1000 after the end of the dbz I have already written 40 pages or so and the mechanics of the game have been created. 

My problem is that I feel my writing is dull maybe it has something to do with English not being my native language. 

So does anyone have any advice?