Blood Barn

The opening is strong. We open with good attention to little details beyond just stating things, instead showing them through physical sensations, such as the act of touching objects like the table.

“A shiver, unrelated to the lingering chill, ran down Arturo's spine. The thought of a dark, dank barn didn’t appeal to him. ‘Uh,’ he hesitated, the hollow in his chest deepening. ‘I—uh...Sure. Sounds…cool.’”

Great use of ellipses to convey emotion and uncertainty in this paragraph. A minor critique of the first page is that we are already introduced to a rather large cast, which may be a bit memory intensive for some readers.

“So, what's the plan, genius? None of our cars can make it to that barn.”

An explanation of why exactly they cannot drive to the barn would have been useful here to prevent any potential accusations of plot convenience from readers.

“Knox scowled. ‘Fine. I'll borrow my dad's truck! It can handle it.‘Wait. Um…’ Lorelai chimed in, tossing her hair. ‘Um…what about us? Because I’m not walking that far.’

Again, it would be useful to explain why the truck can reach the barn while the cars cannot. We are left questioning why the cars are unable to get there and how long the walk would be. This could have been integrated into Lorelai’s dialogue.

The dove tattoo on Charice's wrist is a nice, memorable detail. It is introduced naturally through her body language rather than being forced into the narration. Kudos, the second page does a great job of establishing the cast’s personalities.

“She snuck a glance over her shoulder. He trailed behind them, head down, kicking at a loose pebble.”

Great use of body language to showcase potential emotional flatness or turmoil.

“Barely audible, seemed to hang in the air. A sickle, clutched in the figure's hand, glinted menacingly in the fading light. Arturo’s heart hammered against his ribs, a frantic drumbeat against the sudden, chilling silence. He extended a trembling hand, fingers brushing against the rough stalks. The dirt crunched softly beneath his shoes. The figure remained motionless, its grip tightening on the sickle.”

I enjoyed the sensory details in this paragraph, but it could have been enhanced even further with a greater description of the sickle holder, not just in terms of physical traits or lack thereof but also how their presence makes the characters feel or think. We get some of the feeling through the excellent use of “hammering heartbeat” and the trembling hand, but we could gain even more insight through internal thoughts or a deeper sense of suspense.
It also seems as though we did not actually see the person clearly (we didn't at all actually). In that case, switching points of view might not have been necessary or worthwhile. Often, suspense and mystery are scarier than the revelation itself.

The intimate scene is very well written and tastefully done, kudos. Even better is the engaging and creative transition.

“The others sat inside the barn, absorbed in a gruesome scene of a girl being hacked to pieces. Her screams echoed through the barn.

‘AHHHHH!’ The cry was so piercing, so realistic, it sent chills down their spines.”

I thoroughly enjoyed this transition. It is an effective way to keep the pacing dynamic while also reinforcing the horror elements.

The ending is quite heavy, which works well for the story. This is a gruesome and gory tale that explores how shared trauma and loss can bond people more deeply than they initially expect.

Antagonist and Emotional Engagement

A few small critiques: The antagonist is mysterious, but rather dull. We never learn his motive, he never speaks, and we do not even know for certain if he is a man or a woman. Sometimes, this level of ambiguity works in a story’s favour, particularly if the worldbuilding supports the mystery, but in this case, it felt lacking. A more intimate exploration of the masked figure would have strengthened the impact (in my opinion).

Additionally, I would have liked to see more than just the death scenes. An exploration of the victims’ pain, thoughts, and fears would have made their deaths feel more visceral and impactful. Right now, the emotional connection to the characters is not quite there. They feel like strangers, which diminishes the weight of their deaths.

To truly evoke emotion, the reader needs time to form attachments to the cast before they are killed off. We do not really know much about these characters beyond surface details. Flashbacks, additional dialogue to reveal quirks and histories, and stronger interpersonal dynamics would elevate the emotional weight of the events.

Final Thoughts

All in all, this is a well-written story with a few minor caveats that, if addressed, would take it to the next level. Keep it up, I enjoyed reading it. It’s also not a story with any branching whatsoever. I personally don't mind this as long as the story itself is solid, but some readers especially on a CYOA platform may be wishing for more branching.

Read MERCER GANG! It is the BEST!!!!!!

Mercer Gang!

Awesome story