Hi guys! So at the advice of poison_mara (thanks again Mara!), I'm going to show the first page in here. One of my biggest fears is that the inability to show the MC's close relationships with his friends at the first glance, with the dialogue coming across weird and unnatural. So I really appreciate any feedback on this since it's my very first storygame - I want it to be as entertaining as possible for you guys.
It's bascially a fantasy comedic adventure story about a group of royal soldiers who are in the middle of a civil war. Here are the opening page:
Vivamus, Moriendum Est
"Phew, I'm so full," you huff as you pat your stomach, leaning back. You put your feet nearer to the bonfire, warming up your frozen toes.
Your fellow soldier Odi pouts, his chubby cheeks wobbling slightly. He grumbles, "That makes one of us, then."
"You just had three servings already, you fat pig!" The redheaded man next to you exclaims.
"Yeah, well, that's not enough for me, okay?"
"It's never enough for you!"
"No need to be so mean, Jaxon," Gilbert sighs, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "Odi just has a... uh... a healthy appetite, that's all."
Jaxon lets out a derisive snort. "There's nothing healthy about his eating habits at all. The man's looks like he's carrying babes!"
"You're just jealous because I'm a lot bigger than you. I mean, by the Gods you're shorter than your own mam!"
"At least I never thought of eating my own damn horse, you lard filled cunt!"
"Jaxon!" Gilbert scolds. "Just finish your own bowl, we're waking up early tomorrow."
That was just one time," Odi whines. "Our rations were cut some much last winter, we were barely fed. Plus, I heard that horse meat tastes nice."
"I bet even horse shit will taste nice to you..."
"Okay, okay," Jaxon rolls his eyes and picks up his bowl. "I'll be quiet for now."
"I'm still hungry..."
Gilbert lets a long suffering sigh. "Seven hells, fine. You can have my share, Odi."
Feeling even colder, you inch yourself forward, letting the burning glow of the fire warm your bones. It's been a week since your group has been assigned to patrol the woods near town, with the order of finding the camp of the rebels. They have recently lay traps around the forest, leading to injuries of many unassuming patrols. The commander, furious at the losses, decided that the six of you to search for any signs of those pesky rebels and disable any trap you find in your way. Soon the cold and the meagre food supplies started to get to everyone - with Odi always complaining about the lack of food, Jaxon becoming even more snarky (if that's even possible) and Isaak being even more restless. Gilbert, being the team leader, tried to keep the peace, but it doesn't always work.
Poor guy. At least Mitch isn't causing anyone trouble, since he's a mute.
The six of you grew up in the same village, and since you all live next to each other it wasn't long until everyone became best friends. You, Gilbert, Odi, Jaxon, Isaak and Mitch. Being inseparable even into young adulthood, the six of you joined the army at the same time, and was even placed in the same squad. It's been almost two years, but it was pretty fun.
Well, until last year. That's when a lord named Lucian von Brandt start to declare a military coup against King Edric III, causing a spread of shock and disbelief across the nation. He announced that he cannot in good conscience serve a "heartless tyrant" who only cares about his power than the people underneath him.
The rebellion was expected to be promptly quashed, but to the king's chagrin, it had garnered a lot of support from the populace, with a lot of ordinary people defecting to join the growing rebel army. Since then it remained a huge thorn to his side, with the peasants dealing a considerable amount of damage against the royal army.
Whoever this Lucian is, one thing is clear: he is not going away any time soon.
Suddenly Gilbert claps his hands loudly, getting everyone's attention. "Okay, men, before we proceed our mission tomorrow I want to make sure that everyone knows what they're doing. First, Isaak is going to- wait, where the bloody hell is Isaak?"
"He went to piss," you answered, and sure enough the blonde man stumbles back to the campfire, with a blissful expression on his face.
"Phew," he exclaims, claiming his seat to the right of you and picking up his bowl of cold stew. "What were you guys talking about?"
"Never mind that. Where were you?" Gilbert blurts out, sounding exasperated.
"I was just pissing, that's all. A well good bloody piss that was..."
"But why did it took so long?"
"I told ya, it was a long piss. Just a piss. That's all."
Jaxon cuts in. "Stop saying piss so much. Plus, you left ages ago, so how the hell did it take that long?"
"I-I had a full bladder! So just drop it, okay?"
Odi lets out a huge belch, then hums in amusement. "You probably were rubbing one out, weren't you, Isaak?" He jokes.
"Come on, guys, he wouldn't do that," you jump in, feeling sympathetic. "It's freezing out here. Right, Isaak?"
"Isaak...?" you turn to look at him, only finding him looking away in guilt.
Jaxon almost fell off his seat, looking at the younger man with both disbelief and repulsion. "By Asstra's tits, the bastard actually jacked off while he was pissing!"
"I-I couldn't help it!" Isaak cries. "I really was going to piss, but then the image of that bar maiden's tits flashed in my mind... I got horny and well... I did a quick one."
Everyone around the camp lets out a disgusted sound, further embarrassing him.
"I didn't have a choice, okay!? It was hard and painful, so I gotta-!"
"Shut up!" Gilbert yells. "Bloody hells, no one wants to hear you talk about your cock!"
Mitch inches himself away from Isaak, looking appalled.
You also scooted away from him, feeling slightly sick. You narrow your eyes. "Mitch got the right idea. You better have washed your hands."
"D-don't worry, I did! I actually came so much that I kinda had to..."
With a roar, Jaxon throws his spoon at the blonde, smacking him in the middle of the forehead. He lets out a yelp of pain, clutching his forehead.
"What part of shut up don't you get, you filthy cunt!?"
Odi looks down at his unfinished bowl, looking green in the face. "I think I lost my appetite..."
"OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Gilbert bellowed, his normally pale face reddening at each passing second. "Isaak, go wash your hands again! Jaxon, don't throw things at people unless they're the enemy! And Odi, I just gave my serving, so finish that damn bowl or else!"
Soon after everyone's calmed down (with Isaak whinging about the bruise on his forehead and his freezing hands) and is present at the camp, the leader stands up from his seat and clear his throat.
Hey man thank you so much for the kind words! They just lift a huge weight off my shoulders. I'll try my best.
I like how you do all throughout dialogue in a very organic way. Pretty good pace overall, and good vocabulary. Maybe for the game format, you will prefer to divide this first page into two with a continue to appear more dynamic to a more casual audience. But so far really good, and seem promising
Yeah it's pretty long for the first page. I'll take your advice yet again. Thanks!