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Lunch with an Angel

2 months ago
Commended by mizal on 4/5/2021 2:24:09 AM

So, I want to write part three of my Angel series. Fuck it yeah guess that’s what I'm calling, it so I decided to collect the first two parts here as well. Anyways for the third time enjoy, and don’t hesitate with any comments, questions, or concerns. 

 

Part 1 

 

The previously dark room was filled with an unnaturally bright light. Uncovering his eyes, Billy looked at the tall feminine form standing in the middle of his crudely drawn circle. Tall and imposing, with delicate features the person cut an impressive figure. 

Remembering what his dad had taught him, Billy made sure to lower his gaze, just to make sure to not enrage the figure. Still despite this Billy found an ever so rare smile forming. 

"Oh?" A soft and melodic voice cut into the silence. "A mere child? Or are you at that age where you like to pretend to be a man?" Despite the words being slightly harsh, there was a soft teasing tone to her voice. 

Still keeping his eyes averted, Billy spoke with a voice that was nothing short of desperate. " Will ya' be my friend please? Ain't got none and I'm real scared ya' see. Oh and 'fore I forget what's ya name lady?" 

The figured raised one dainty eyebrow before speaking. "You may call me Eri. Let me make sure I got this right, you summoned me here so you could have a friend, is that right?" 

Billy responded simply by giving an obviously excited nod. With a slight smile Eri continued speaking. "So, Billy a few questions. How old are you exactly?" 

Responding as quickly as possible as to not anger her Billy answered. " Dunno, Ma an Pa never told me."  

Slightly shocked Eri continued to speak. "Regardless, you look about 12 so let us go with that. Now where did you get the blood of a tortured innocent to summon me?" While we are at it boy, look me in the eyes." 

Ever so slowly Billy raised his face. Both his eyes had recently been blackened and his check was bruised and swollen. With the same slowness Billy raised his right arm. There was a massive gash that was still bleeding cut into his forearm. Then he spoke.  

"I don't know what them fancy words mean, but the blood is mine." 

Eri reached out to take his arm, only stopping when Billy recoiled away. Eri had to listen closely, but she could hear Billy repeating a single phrase over and over. 

"I'm sorry." Now gently rocking back and forth Billy seemed lost to the world. That was until a rough older male voice could be heard nearby. 

"Ya fuckin talkin to someone ya little shit?" 

Moving faster than had Eri had seen so far, Billy jumped to his feet and started trying to push her towards a closet. Now that he was standing, ERI could see not only was Billy underdeveloped he walked with a pronounced limp. 

In a hushed tone, Billy frantically spoke. "Quick, into the box. I promise ya I'm not like Pa, I won't leave ya in there for long. So please put up with it." 

More caught up in the moment then his efforts, ERI was gently pushed into the closet before the door closed. Mere moments later the door to Billy's room was thrown open through a crack in the door, Eri saw to figures standing there. 

Then what was presumably Billy's dad spoke up. "Ya talking to one of them fake friends? Ya need me to prove the best part of ya ran down ya Ma's leg again?" With a sudden lurch Billy's dad lunged towards him. Just as Eri was about to intervene, the female rushed to stop the male. 

Eri let go of a breath she was unaware she had even been holding. 

"Stop that, Bo." The next sentence sent a reignited jolt of rage through Eri as the female continued to speak. " It my turn to play with him. You know damn well I struggle to get off when his face has too much bruisin. It perfect as is. Wait til I'm done with the little shit." 

Turning towards Billy the woman gave a predatory smile before talking once again. "Ya lucky that any lady will even fucking touch you. Especially one as sexy as me. Now Bo leave me to my fun. Ya know the deal Billy, pants down." 

With a resigned whimper Billy made to comply. Suddenly the closet door flew across the room banging heavily when it hit the far wall. 

Where Eri's face had been elegant and refined before, now it was a mask of uncontrollable rage. With a whisper that seemed to thunder in the shocked silence, Eri spoke but a single word. "Sleep."  

With a soft thump Billy hit the floor in blissful sleep. As the shock was ending Bo spoke up. " Who the hold fuck are you?!"  

In response Eri waived one of her hands. Where before it had been empty, she was now holding a flaming sword. She took a step forward. "I am one who defied Him and rebelled." Another step forward bringing Eri within striking range of the despicable duo.  With an almost imperceptible sound, a pair of large raven black wings appeared on her back. "I am Ereriel, a fallen Angel. I'm also that last thing you pathetic insects will see in this world." 

With a slight yawn, Billy opened his eyes. He didn't immediately recognize where was but quickly lost interest in that as he realized he had his head laid in Eri's lap. Billy went to rise before a gentle yet firm hand kept him in place. 

"Don't worry child, sleep some more. Everything will be fine when you awake." In as soft of a tone as possible Eri stopped his struggles. 

Feeling an odd sense of comfort Billy blurt out what was on his mind as he started to fall back asleep "So ya still wanna be friends?"  

In his befuddled state he missed a strange sigil appear on his right hand before quickly fading. "Of course, silly child. If you ever need me, just call and I'll be there. But before that I'm going to leave you with a caring family. 

"Dunno what them last words mean but I'll trust ya Eri" and with on final thought, Billy joined the land of the slumbering. 

'Maybe havin friends will be nice.' 

Part 2 

With a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth, Sandra watched as her new brother played with some of her old barbies. Sandra’s world had been flipped upside down a mere two weeks ago. Her parents had adopted this little ball of positivity and sunshine named Billy. Going from an only child should have been hard, but it had been impossible to dislike him. The agency had warned the family that he had been terribly abused before becoming the only survivor of a brutal home invasion. Both the sperm donor and the egg factory had died. Sandra refused to acknowledge such trash as human let alone parents. No child should have to deal with trauma induced nightmares. Hell, her heart had almost broken when asked why he didn’t mind playing with hand-me-down barbies. 

“Cause I ain’t ever have toys before.”  Such a simple but devastating answer had silenced any further questions. Sandra thanked God at that moment that they were dead. If they hadn’t been, odds are she would be in a cell at this very moment. Suddenly, that dark train of thought was cut off as Billy collapsed to the floor. As quickly as possible Sandra rushed to his side. Letting out a sigh of relief as it turned out he had fallen asleep. 

The blood turned to ice in Sandra’s veins as an unknown feminine voice spoke up from behind her. “At least you seem to have decent enough reflexes.”  The scream that was on her lips died as Sandra turned around. Standing in a spot that had just been empty a moment ago, was a tall and imposing woman. Her ethereal features were contrasted by large black wings. “We need to talk.’ The woman’s voice was a wonderous mix of commanding and music like. 

Hands slightly shaking, Sandra set the cup of tea down. “Who exactly are you?” The question had been valid, but Sandra had wanted to be more subtle. Seemingly ignoring the bluntness, the woman spoke once again. 

“You may call me Ereriel. I am what your kind calls a fallen angel.” After finishing her self-introduction, Ereriel calmly sipped her tea. Sandra began to panic, exclaiming louder then she had wanted to. “Holy shit! You’re a fucking demon?”  As suddenly as her panic had stared, she felt it disappear. With a pointed look Ereriel spoke once again. 

“Are you hard of hearing child? I just said I was a fallen angel. I would appreciate it if you did not call me one of those foul beasts.” Seeing how confused Sandra was, Ereriel continued to speak. “The difference is how far we fell. Those abominations fell all the way. We fallen angels landed on this plane.” Sandra nodded as she took a seat across from Ereriel. 

This whole experience was wild, but Sandra found herself believing in this story. Maybe it had been the wings. Curiosity got the better of Sandra as she asked a question that had come to her mind. “Ok then, how come some of you landed on earth? I mean did you still rebel against God?” For a moment Ereriel was silent before she answered. 

” Yes, I did. What separated us is the why. Lucifer and the demons rebelled due to their pride. My reason was slightly different. I was destined to become a guardian angel protecting those who fought for the faith. At the time I believed no warrior would have faith in me if their souls could remember me bowing to them. I refused and was considered a rebel. After the war I had to be punished but my intentions had been better, and I had refused to fight my former companions.” 

Sandra found herself slightly nodding along as she listened. It made sense. Like breaking a minor rule in school to receive in school suspension. Rules had to be enforced but that doesn’t mean all infractions are of the same severity. Sandra then asked the next question that had formed while listening to the tale. “So, now that we covered why you are here in the big picture, why are you here on my couch?” 

Ereriel slightly tilted her head towards Sandra’s room, where Billy now tucked into her bed was still peacefully sleeping. “I came to check on the boy.” There was a moment of hesitation before she continued talking. “Billy is precious to me, and I wanted to make sure he was doing better.” 

Catching onto something Sandra asked yet another question. “How do you know him? I mean sure you were supposed to be a guardian angel, but that doesn’t explain how you met him.” Ereriel gave a small nod of acknowledgment before speaking herself. 

“I was summoned by him. Billy asked if wanted to be his friend. I was curious and confused so I did not immediately teleport away. Quickly it became obvious he had been abused. Still despite that when the offenders appeared, he was more worried about my safety. For a moment it looked like the situation would defuse. Instead, it got worse. I put him to sleep and dealt with them in a most satisfactory way.” 

At this point Sandra let out a gasp as some dots connected in her mind. “The mysterious home invasion. Then that means you’re the ‘Eri’ Billy spoke about to the police.” With a strange mix of horror and appreciation, Sandra continued to speak. “First good job those asswipes had it coming. But that raises a question, how did Billy even know how to summon you?” 

Gently setting the now empty cup on the table Ereriel spoke once more. “I was curious as well. When we had a moment alone, I read his memories. One night when his father had passed out due to drink, he had snuck into the room with the television. His mother had been enjoying a drama about supernatural creatures. Billy cannot tell the difference between fiction and reality. Billy had thought this was real and wanted to try to summon a friend like those people in the show had. He tried to copy the method he had seen them do; the problem was he failed at doing it the same way. Billy failed so badly at this fictional ritual, he succeeded at the real one.” 

There was a moment of silence as Sandra tried to process this. Ereriel knew his whole life story and was probably drawn in by his positivity. Not only that but the whole summoning should have failed but didn’t. On top of that of all the things to summon, a slightly disgraced guardian angel who could and would help him was possibly the best outcome. After a moment Sandra voiced these thoughts. 

Ereriel started to speak once more. “A child should never go through that hell, yet Billy still cared more for others. He is an exemplar of some of humanities best qualities. The other part is simple. I am thoroughly convinced that the Heavenly Father is responsible. He would have the power and motivation to make such a seemingly impossible occurrence happen. Since angels could not directly interfere, why not outsource the task. I am an unaffiliated warrior who would gladly take the mantle.” 

Standing and speaking in a voice ominously devoid of emotion, Ereriel continued. “I have already failed one divine mission; it will not happen again. I will continue to watch over and be a presence in Billy’s life. If I ever find his care lacking in any manner at all, I will bathe this house in holy fire. Then I will find someone more capable.” 

Sandra took a few steps forward. Despite the obvious threat, she soon found herself craning her neck up to stare the physically imposing woman in the eyes. “You will never take Billy. While I am glad you got him out of that shithole, he is my brother now. I don’t care if it’s you; some asshole distant relation who refused to help till now, or God himself. This is his home and I will stop any of you chucklefucks from taking him. This is his home and I will protect him.” 

A slight smile ever so briefly graced Ereriel’s face. “I like your fire girl, keep those flames burning. Oh, and when the two of you wake up tell Billy I said hello.” The next thing Sandra knew there was a snapping and a feeling of exhaustion. 

The smile on Billy’s face was amazingly bright when Sandra mentioned several hours later that she had met ‘Eri’. Sandra could tell Billy was incredibly happy that two of his favorite people not only met but seemed to be getting along. “When do ya think we gonna see Eri again?” 

Sandra pondered Billy’s question for a moment before speaking. “Well, I have a feeling she is closer than you think. I can’t imagine it being too terribly long. However, before that let’s get down to the table. Mom’s chicken noodle casserole is heavenly.” 

 

                    Lunch with an Angel 

Humming softly to herself, Sandra was hard at work making lunch for her and Billy. Okay so maybe making sandwiches wasn’t hard, but it was time consuming. After putting on the final touches, she grabbed the plate and headed into the living room. Unsurprisingly Ereriel was present. Despite the icy atmosphere between the two women, Billy was obliviously watching some tv show for young children. Sandra tried her best to ignore Ereriel, though that was made difficult by the fact that the large imposing woman was sitting next to Billy on the floor.  Slightly clearing her throat Sandra spoke up. 

“Lunch is served. You wanted ham and cheese, right Billy?” With a comically large nod, Billy scrambled over to the coffee table. This caused a small warm smile to grace her features. “You’re adorable, you know that right?” Billy’s face scrunched up as he tried to place the word he didn’t recognize, before he gave up and bit into his sandwich.  

“This is yummy, must be since I got two of my most favorite people here an stuffs.”  Billy said with a slightly crooked smile. The absolutely adorable moment was ruined when Ereriel spoke up in a worried tone.  “Oh dear, did you hit your head? You must have, if you are seeing double. There is only one of me here.” Billy gave a confused shake of his head. “Nope my head is safe.” 

“This bitch.” Sandra mumbled under her breath. The raw nerve of this thing to say that type of shit. Her musings were cut short when Billy asked a question, seemingly to both of them. “What is a ‘bitch’? I heard it a couple times with my old ma an pa, but Sesame Street aint taught me that one yet.” With a slow, deliberate turn of her head Ereriel made eye contact with Sandra before she spoke. “It means a female dog.” Billy gave a little ‘ah’ of understanding. “Well, I gotta go potty, be back soon. Ah I like that word I just learned it, soon I mean.” With that Billy raced off towards the restroom. Ereriel never broke eye contact as Billy scurried off. 

The moment after Billy had rounded the corner out of sight, Sandra had a brief moment of confusion as she felt herself falling. The next thing that registered was a loud ‘crack’. The next moment Sandra was enveloped in pain. Strangely, her first thought was, ‘huh who put the ceiling there?’ Then the pain truly set in. Sandra tried to scream out, only to realize that the pain and noise had distracted her from Ereriels’ hand wrapped around her throat. Seemingly as if it took no effort Ereriel raised Sandra up out of the mangled remains of the coffee table until they were eye to eye.  

“I should kill you for corrupting him.” Ereriel practically snarled out. After a moment that felt like it lasted an eternity, Ereriel casually threw Sandra across the room. Sandra hit the floor hard, and skidded a few feet. Her sense of relief was short lived as she felt a boot connect to her already battered ribs. “Luckily for you, your sin this time was not irredeemable. Never let it be said that I am not forgiving.” Ereriel mocked Sandra.  

“No.NO. NO. NO!” Any further conversation died as Billy screamed. Through the haze of pain Sandra noticed that she had bleed all over the living room floor from numerous cuts and scrapes. “Billy, do not worry I was just teaching Sandra a little lesson.” Slowly Ereriel reached towards Billy. In response Billy threw himself backwards away from the outstretched hand.  

In between heavy sobs Billy was repeating one phrase over and over. “Please I’ll be good don’t hurt me.” Looking like a kicked puppy Ereriel tried to take a step towards Billy. She was stopped much to her surprise by a barely conscious Sandra. “This probably set of his PTSD. Stay close by, but take a step back.” Sandra took a shaky step forward. “The noises and blood on your hand your hand, literally in this case more than likely caused some rather unpleasant memoires to resurface.”  

Every breath hurt. Another step forward. Sandra’s ribs roared out in protest. She ignored it for the most part. Another step. Sandra coughed up a little blood. Absent mindedly she wiped it away. Another step. Billy was still sobbing and screaming. That hurt Sandra more than her ribs. Another step. So close, yet so far. Another step. Sandra was now standing over Billy. She fell. Wrapping Billy in a warm, protective embrace. “Shhh, it’s okay. No one is gonna hurt you. I’m fine, your fine.” Softly, Sandra ran her hands through Billys’ hair. Every time Billy repeated what he was saying, Sandra without fail repeated herself. This went on for a while.  All the while Ereriel stood nearby silent as a grave. After what felt like hours to Sandra, Billy fell peacefully asleep in her arms. Finally, as if remembering that they weren’t alone, Sandra whispered. In the silence however, she might as well be screaming.  

“Come back in about three days. We need to sit down and figure this shit between us out. At this rate he will not get better. I know you love him, but so do I. Maybe we can find mutual ground through that. I refuse to ask him to choose between us. So, take some time get your thoughts and shit together, then come back.” Having said her piece, Sandra went back to quietly reassuring the sleeping Billy. She was so engrossed in this, Sandra missed Ereriel snapping her fingers.  

Sandra didn’t learn until hours later that when Ereriel had disappeared, she had cleaned up the mess their scuffle had made. Sandra had only stopped holding Billy when their parents had come home from work. Sandra had explained that she had fell and got some cuts. The blood had caused issues, but everything seemed to be better now.  

‘Hopefully that wasn’t a lie. Ereriel and I need to get on the same page. I don’t know if I can pull Billy back again.’ With this thought, Sandra went to clean up and take care of her ribs. 

Down the road, A single figure stood. His face obscured by the shadows cast from his hat. Staring in the direction of Sandra and Billys’ home he growled out one simple phrase.  

“Time for the son to pay for the sins of the father.”  

Lunch with an Angel

2 months ago
Tmana did you join the penguin army too? What happened to your avatar?

Well I know you mentioned this would be happening but Eri just burned up any of the good will remaining from the first chapter. It wasn't even an attack over any misguided attempt to protect Billy, but just being a petty bitch and traumatizing him over it in the process.

Sandra is coming off as being a very calm and capable character, but how old is she? She's almost got it a a little too together for a kid dealing with this kind of situation, but I like her a lot.

Nice hook at the end there.

My only recommendation going forward is that it might be time for Billy himself to receive some development and have a little more agency, you don't want to fall into the trap of having him perpetually stuck as 'innocent/naive abuse victim' with no other traits except that everybody's fighting over him.

Lunch with an Angel

2 months ago

Sandra is about 16 or 17. Old enough to be mature and adult like when needed. But also at an age where it's possible to be a bit impulsive. I get what your saying about Billy, this just wasn't his time. I do have some plans for him to shine and glad the hook worked. I was a little worried but I needed to at least mention that figure. I'm kinda excited for him.

Lunch with an Angel

2 months ago

As Mizal mentioned, nice hook.

I liked the pace for this too.

I will say that the coughing blood thing reminded me of some satirical thing I saw that poked fun at that trope (since coughing blood is generally a very bad sign...but not in fiction!).


Technicalities

Writing is looking good too, but what I did notice was some issues with dialogue punctuation (probably since you had some shorter sentences this time around).

e.g.

  • “This is yummy, must be since I got two of my most favorite people here an stuffs.” Billy said with a slightly crooked smile.

Should have a comma at the end of the dialogue:

  • “This is yummy, must be since I got two of my most favorite people here an stuffs,” Billy said with a slightly crooked smile.

Here's a link to Gower's article: http://chooseyourstory.com/help/articles/article.aspx?ArticleId=4309

But getting used to this can be a bit annoying, so feel free to ask any questions (I just feel I shouldn't ramble about it...but I certainly can, if it might help!).

Another example:

  • “I should kill you for corrupting him.” Ereriel practically snarled out.

Should also be a comma:

  • “I should kill you for corrupting him,” Ereriel practically snarled out.

You also missed a space before the first capitalised 'NO' here: “No.NO. NO. NO!”, but now I'm just nit-picking, lol.

I did like the images this scene conveyed, so none of the above ended up being a detriment in that regard.

Looking forward to more!

Lunch with an Angel

2 months ago

Thanks. Yeah I struggle with the techincial side. Glad you enjoyed it though. I was nervous about those short sentences and the repeated use of 'another step'  I liked the image of it not being fancy just moving forward. 

Lunch with an Angel

2 months ago
I wouldn't consider dialogue punctuation mistakes as 'struggling', aha. It is a very common mistake, so I assume it just isn't taught well. I know I only learnt to do it right once I had it pointed out here. So do take a look at that article when you have some time, it isn't too long (or I can try to give you a tl;dr).

Repetition is a neat tool that can have annoying results, but I think you used it well!

The short sentences were good too, and helped keep the scene tight and tense, which is what you want.

Those plusses far outweigh the dialogue punctuation mistakes!