Forums » Creative Corner » Read Thread

This story was written to explain the existence of a damaged nickel that I have to IAP. It was copy/pasted from Discord to here. It is long and in the raw, but worth the read.

Enjoy.

 

I have a silver nickel. 
Oh, yeah. It's more of like three quarters of a nickel.
I was never the best at math.
It's a funny story, actually, how that all happened.
It's long, and somewhat obscure.
It all began in my junior year of high school.

My favorite teacher of all time, Mr. Dillucio taught my English 3 class.
Why was he my favorite, you ask?
Well, he genuinely cared for his students outside of the given "I want you to learn this" and all that garbage.
He was extremely funny, and was not afraid to offend anyone.
This was very appealing to edgy 16-17 year old me.

I remember the first day I had class with him he gave out this mind-numbingly easy worksheet, and began to start a conversation with one of the students.
He already began to crack jokes and belittle the class in a light-hearted tongue-in-cheek manner.
I was already laughing within the first ten minutes of class, and I knew that Mr. D was special.
As time went on, Mr. D began to make darker and edgier jokes.
He accepted the ascribed label that he had been given by his students, as he truly was a "savage".
He began to joke about politics, and would derail the lessons in class more often.
He would talk about how he had begun to tire of the interactions between the other teachers, and how his students were generally unruly.
He once said, "Y'know one of these days you guys are going to walk into class and find me hanging from the rafters."
Edgy as it was, he would often say...

(oh dang I can't remember the phrase)
(give me a moment)
(OH)
(I remember now,)

He would often say, "There's truth in every joke."
I took that to heart.
Was D truly considering suicide?
What would I do without him?
He was objectively the best class  of my day.

I was doing well, as the work was easy.
I was actually originally enrolled in AP Lang, but, I didn't even register for the class.
That was a problem, because that class had a summer assignment, (that I didn't do).
I am glad I didn't follow through.
I would have never met Mr. D.

Anyways, I used to spend a lot of time after school with Dillucio.
We would talk about life and laugh together.
He would tell me about how he didn't like most of his co-workers, and the advances that one female teacher (we'll call her Kim) seemingly was making towards him.

Ms. Kim once even came into his classroom after school.
I was there.
She complained that her back hurt, and said she "needed something to lean on".
I took it as "Pay attention to me, D."
"Give me a back rub."
She complained that the chairs in her classroom didn't have sufficient backing on them.
The ones in Dillucio's room had good backing, ideal for popping your lower back on.
She went and sat in a chair, and squirmed around.

I thought she was ham-handed, and obvious.
After she left, I joked,
"I've got something for her to lean on." ;)

Ms. Kim was probably 23-28 years old.
Maybe a bit older.
I thought it was unfit for a woman to act like that.

Dillucio often made references to his "secretary".
He never named her, but he denied that it was Ms. Kim.
He could have lied, though.

He said he didn't call his female companion his girlfriend, because he said "women want that validation that they've got you."
So, he did his best to not call her that.

So, Kim and Diluccio seemed to be having some problems.
I'm unsure of all what happened.
Maybe they were having sex on the side.
That seems probable.
But, in class and during our afterschool time Diluccio would talk about how he enjoyed buying gold and collecting actual silver coins.

This part is where the nickel comes in.

A few days later, during our afterschool hang-out, one of my classmate/friends come in.
He was a white kid, maybe native American? He said he was.
He wasn't too bright.
I assumed he either had some sort of special needs, or was just dropped too many times as an infant.
He wasn't downy-level stupid, just a bit airy.
He comes walking in, and asks D if he wants to buy some sort of energy drink.
There were a few flavors, but the D buys one called GREEN THUNDER.
D says it like that, every time.
It even becomes a bit of a joke in class.
Kim comes in a day later or so.

Kim comes in, says some dumb female bollocks, I think she was inviting D to the football game or something.

D then starts talking about how he and his secretary were having some trouble.

(This actually happened.)
(I cry about it sometimes.)

As I was saying, his secretary was threatening to kill herself, and was holding a steak knife to her wrist.
She was crying on the floor, saying something about how D didn't care about her.
He says some edgy mess like, "Sweetheart, it's down the stream, not across the street."
She says, "You're supposed to be helping me!"
D retorts with, "I am helping you."
Complete edge.
I let out a kek.
He then made a joke about Kim, "Thinking about this GREEN THUNDER, if she comes back in here again, she's going to get THUNDERED to death."
He then explained that he had adopted the word THUNDERED to use synonymously to pounded.
Just a sex joke.
This happened between he and I, if I remember correctly.

Some days pass.
A rumor is spreading around the school that people in D's class are being called in to give an account of some sort.
This can only mean trouble.
(After getting halfway through this, I should have just put this in greentext format. Oh well.)
People are called in, and tell me what's up.
The rumor is true.
One of the vice principals is interrogating kids about D.
I begin to feel anxious.
Eventually, I'm called in.

He initiates some small talk, and then gets to what he summoned me for.
He asks me some questions about Mr. D, writing my answers down.
"What do you think about him?"
"Does he ever talk about inappropriate topics in class?"
"Has he ever done anything to any of the students in your class?"
He asks me some more questions, and I do my best to not lie, but also paint D in a good light.

I only know that this whole ordeal means trouble for D.
I get out, and hope for the best.
I think that it was either that day, or a day later.
I'm eating my lunch alone outside the library.
I see the principal, and the same vice-principal walk D out of the campus.
D looks angry.
Angrier than I have ever seen him.
"What's going on?"
He shakes his head, and tosses me a nickel.
This is a real silver nickel.
I hold it, and watch as he is escorted off campus.

Word spreads, and no one is sure if D was fired or not.
We had a few substitute teachers for the next few weeks.
Every day, I would walk into class, hoping to see if Diluccio was there.
He never was.

Nobody on staff explained anything.
It seems they just tried to brush everything under the rug.
There were only rumors.

I guess he had been making inappropriate remarks to people in the workplace.

I even remember in one of my other classes, a girl admitted to spilling the beans.
"I told them everything."
I burned with anger.
But, now, I see that it really didn't matter.

People said they had been contacting D via twitter.
But, he would have to friend you or whatever.
I thought I would never see him again.

One night, I walked outside for some fresh air.
My family was getting a little draining.
I think they were mad at me for not doing my chores or something like that.
I did what I needed to, and walked outside.
I told my mom I was going for a walk and would be back in a few hours.
This was about six months after the whole Diluccio incident.

I had begun to take my silver nickel with me for good luck.
It's a bit ironic, seeing that it came from a man who lost his job, but whatever.
I walk down the bike trail, it functioned similarly to a park, albeit long and snaked through the town.
One of the entrances was only a block or two from my house.

I felt sort of strange, as I had never been to the trail at night.
The sun went down, and it soon became very dark.
Walking and looking back, I could see what I hoped were racoons.
I could only see their eyes, from the glow of my flashlight.
I was too spooked to turn back.
What if they weren't racoons?

Alongside this part of the bike trail is an old and dried up riverbed.
The homeless are known to pitch tents down there.
Feeling a bit brave, I clenched my lucky nickel and foolishly went into the dry bank.
I could look up and see the moon, and some stars.
It was nice.
But, I nearly soiled myself when I heard a voice in front of me yell, "HEY! GET OUTTA HERE!"
I heard the woosh of a long stick-like object and tried to dodge, but was too slow.
The nickel was smacked out of my hand and I heard the clunk of metal.

I reached for my light and flashed it at my attacker.
My heart leaped!
It was D!
"What are you doing here?"
He looked haggard, and unkempt.
In his hand was a metal pipe.

"Zag? You gained weight."
We both laughed.
I asked him what happened.

He said that there were a lot of kids and co-workers complaining about his behavior, and his apparent sexual misconduct with Kim is what tipped the scale.
I went over and gave him a hug.

"Why are you down here? How long have you been down here?"
He told me that he had planned to drive up to the mountains and live off the gold he panned for.
(I'm not even joking)
He said that his car was parked nearby, but ran out of gas, and he had ran out of money.
His secretary had either thrown out or stolen most of his silver coins at his house, and he was now a literal derelict.
I told him he could take a shower at my place, and get some food.

I was about to walk off with him, before looking on the ground for my lucky nickel.
It was half-buried in some sand due to the scuffle, and I found that it was damaged.
A piece was almost broken off.
I picked it up, and walked him over to my house, calling my mom as we walked there.

She said that he could spend the night on the couch, and we would help him figure things out.
I was surprised, as she didn't really like Mr. D.
So, we got to my home.
I opened the door,
got on the floor,
and everyone did the dinosaur.

I’ve always liked green text-like stories. They have a rather to-the-point feel about them which helps keep the reader interested. I haven’t been on the discord in a little bit, so I don’t really know if this is all complete fact or not. I’m just going to operate under the assumption that it is. Thus, let us begin. 

First things first: Your opening line is good, and (based the story style) appropriate for the rest of the story. It’s sets the flow for the rest of the story, and is enough to keep me reading for at least another few lines. I don’t know how much others like simplistic opening lines, but, for one, am a fan. The story progresses easily enough with just enough interesting bits to keep the reader satisfied, but then we get to the GREEN THUNDER part.

 I know this is a rough story, so keep that in mind, but dang, this part could’ve been handled better. I liked the story about, behind, and around it, but the transition from the first part of the story to the suicidal secretary wasn’t very good. You use an aside to start the transition off which completely halts the flow and takes the reader out of the story, then (and maybe it’s just me) I kinda lose track of what happened here. Reading back through it I can gather what happened, but on my first read through I didn’t know if the secretary was threatening to cut herself open in front of kids in the classroom, or if she was going to do it in front of you, or what have you. Reading back through it, I found that Mr. D was telling you about what happened, and that the secretary didn’t in fact go full suicide in a school building. That being said, you could definitely mop it up a little bit, so people (and again, it might just be me) don’t get confused. 

Continuing on, the story reverts back to the easy flowing nature it had before up until you go on your late night adventure. You never explicitly state why you’re going to the creek, but the reader can assume you’re going to see if Mr. D was there. Well they can, but then they’d be a little confused when you’re surprised when some talks to you. Maybe surprise at them striking out at you, but it seemed more general surprise to me. Perhaps make intent a little more obvious here, so we know exactly why you went to the creek on this night of all nights, etc. 

My last critique is the last three lines. I know it’s a meme, but I’m kinda invested into the story at this point. Unless the entire story was meant as troll, then these last few lines don’t make any narrative sense. Especially given that the entire story seems like it’s the complete opposite of a troll story. In any case the solution is simple here. Just find a better place to stop the story. 

All in all, good job. I like to focus on criticism more than praise, because that’s how most get better, but know that you made a nice interesting story here Zag. It was indeed “worth the read.” 

Unlike Zag's story, this made me smile.

I appreciate the help, buddy.

I still want to choke you with my bare hands and feel you die. (in a platonic way)

Of course, (platonic) mistress.

So Zag asked me to give feedback on this one. I’m glad to do that when I have the time, but just so others know, I don’t often do it unless the writer specifically asks for it – not necessarily via message, but if you don’t ask, I’m assuming you don’t really want feedback. Now, the disclaimers: I write this while I’m reading it for the first time, giving you a glimpse into what I’m thinking as I read it. If you don’t like what I write, that’s fine, just ignore it. I don’t intend to attack you or offend you, this is just what I’m thinking as I read along. Realize that everyone has their own opinion, and this one is just mine. Odds are that everyone else will disagree with what I write here. Also, this review is likely worth exactly what you paid for it. Most of all, remember, you asked. That said, here we go:

I’ll be honest, the introduction has really lowered my expectations. You’re writing about a nickel. A damaged nickel. I’m not sure how you’re going to write more than a few lines about a damn nickel, but hey, maybe you really like nickels. So I’m going to continue reading, and it could be really good stuff here, but as I start I’m thinking, “Ughhhhhh.”

First paragraph. Minor point, but do you really have a silver nickel? I guess it’s silvery in color, but shouldn’t a nickel be, you know, made of nickel? Yeah, I know they’re not really any more, but still it seems odd to have a nickel made of silver. Not really a big deal. But further in the paragraph, I’m not sure why you’re talking about math. You clearly say that the nickel is about three-quarters of a nickel. But then you’re not good at math. I don’t follow. Does that mean it’s actually NOT three-quarters of a nickel? Then how much is it? It is half a nickel and you’re a moron? I just don’t understand why you mentioned that you’re not good at math or what that has to do with anything.

The structure of the sentences is distracting. I get that you pasted it from somewhere else, but for something of this length it is distracting. I kept re-reading the sentences trying to tell if the line breaks were meant to make this some kind of poem or something before I remembered you mentioned the formatting. While you can say it’s not a big deal, again with something this long, it’s kind of hard to completely ignore and it just does affect how the story reads. It was a reasonable paragraph for paragraph two, but the last line was confusing. In the first paragraph you clearly point out an exact moment in time. You’re preparing us to talk about a specific time and specific event with a story that started at a specific time. Then you say, “16-17 year old me.” If you’re talking about a specific time, just pick a damn age and go with it. I get that the whole story might span a year, but when you say “It all began…” that points to a specific time and date.

I’m not sure I get the purpose behind the paragraph with parenthesis. I suppose you’re trying to narrate this in real-time, but I’m not sure that really works as it’s written. Since you’re describing a time in the past, it might make more sense to simply write about having trouble remembering the phrase or talking about how you would often forget it or something. Another minor note: everywhere else he appears to be “Mr. D,” but in this paragraph he’s just “D.”

I’m a little confused (I know, shocking, right?) in the paragraph about AP Lang. You were apparently enrolled in a class. But you didn’t register for it. Okay, so your school put in in a class without telling you. Then you missed the summer assignment. Of course, I’m not sure how you knew about that one, since you didn’t register for the class. But what does that have to do with Mr. D’s class? Was there a point at which you were shifted from AP Lang to Mr. D? Why? Did you do it? Did the school do it to punish you for missing the summer assignment that you didn’t know about it the class you didn’t register in?

As the story moves on (and now I’m starting to wonder when we’re going to get back to the damn three-quarter nickel made of silver), Mr. D. gets a little creepy. Also, now he’s “Dillucio.” To me it seems like a big difference between calling someone Mr. D and by their last name. I am wondering about your school where the teachers appear to be quite comfortable hanging out with students and making sexual advances to/around them.

At this point the story seems to be just wandering about a bit – words are there just to put words there without having anything to do with the story. We’re hearing about a secretary, girlfriends that aren’t girlfriends, and so on. I’m not sure any of that adds any value to the story, but at least we’re finally moving in the direction of the nickel.

“A few days later?” Later than what? That really doesn’t follow. The previous section was a very wide frame of time: “during our afterschool time.” Then it’s specific again. And I don’t see any point in the slash classmate/friend. Pick one word and go with it. And why would you think a white kid is Native American? That whole paragraph feels off to me. Who the hell walks around school regularly selling energy drinks? Why is it mentioned that D (no longer Mr. D or Dellucio) says “it like that?” It sounds like he is asking for a flavor by name. Why is that a joke? And then there’s the time aspect again. We were on a specific day, talking about selling black-market energy drinks. A moment later it’s “Kim comes in a day later or so.”

The next paragraph seems to wander even more. Earlier Kim was his secretary. Now Kim is talking about a football game while D talks about his secretary wanting to kill herself. Wait, is his secretary someone else? Wait, he’s a high school teacher, does he actually have a real secretary? I thought it was talking in jest earlier because high school teachers tend to not actually have secretaries. Maybe this is all more abstract than I thought. And I don’t get the statement that’s supposed to be edgy. Or the second one that’s supposed to be edgy. And then the kek. I feel like you’re just throwing words out there now for no reason at all. And then he’s talking about his black market energy drink again. And he’s talking to you, but at the same time it appears that his secretary, maybe-Kim, is still on the floor with a steak knife. But then we very abruptly leave that scene because now it’s days later. You said the nickel was coming in, but it did not.

What the hell is that statement there about green text? Is this random words day? This reminds me of a scene in Impractical Jokers when the Jokers wrote a speech for Murray then had him read completely and totally random statements in the middle of the speech. The sentences in that paragraph are rather brief and choppy. And “People are called in” followed by “tell me what’s up” doesn’t make a lot of sense – were you in the room when they were called in so they could tell you what’s up?

And once again we have the silver nickel. This time it’s real silver. When you put “real” next to “silver,” I really don’t feel like you’re talking about the color here. Now this nickel is really made is silver. So it’s apparently a counterfeit nickel. And interestingly enough, since it is made of real silver, is worth a bit more than five cents because silver is worth more than nickel-copper.

P.S. Are you, the author of the story a complete moron? I just ask because there’s a statement at this point in the story that says, “I guess he had been making inappropriate remarks.” At the same time at various points throughout the story up to this point you were very clear that nearly everything that came out of this guy’s mouth was racist, damaging, inappropriate, and borderline schizophrenic. But now you say you guess he had been making inappropriate remarks? At this point it would make more logical sense to say something like “The administration apparently found out how insane and anti-social the bully, Mr. D., really was.”

Minor tense change: “I had begun” is immediately followed by “I walk.”

Quick question: what kind of parks do you have where you live? Where I live parks tend to be open spaces. They often have grass, trees, and benches. They focus on having areas where people can congregate and relax. People might bring their dogs to run around. They might play Frisbee. But they always contain open space. But in your town there’s a “bike trail” that functions as a park. A bike trail, again, near me, is a narrow pathway that is long and functions as an area to ride a bike in a straight line, or curved lines. There is little to no open space. There are no dogs because the bikes would crash into the dogs. So anyway, where I am there’s almost no relationship between bike trails and parks, except the bike trail might lead to a park. So I have no idea how your bike trail functions like a park.

A few word choices in the next section feel off to me. You went into a dry bank. Okay, if you went into a bank, then you’re now inside it. The only way I see that happening is if there was a large cave there in the side of the bank. That’s a big damn dried up riverbank. Now at this point you’re carrying a flashlight in one hand and the silver counterfeit nickel in the other. You get hit in the hand with a “stick-like object” (not an actual stick, but something like a stick. Was it a broomstick? How many things are there that are like a stick, but not a stick? I’m just not sure why these words were used here) and when you get hit in the hand, the nickel goes flying through the air. Now you’re in a cave by the dried up river bank, but the nickel makes a metallic clunk. What did it hit? I was picturing an area of dirt, and the nickel, counterfeit or not, wouldn’t really make much noise when it hit the ground. If the area was all metal, well that’s a different story. Maybe it hit a metal wall of the underground secret cave or something. But now, after you’ve had the black-market nickel knocked out of your hand, you reach for your light… that was in your other hand all this time.

When we last saw his secretary Kim, she was on the floor of the classroom while you and D were laughing at her trying to be edgy. But now, apparently, she moonlights as a cat burglar and robbed D while he was having sex with Kim at work. Apparently Kim and the secretary are two different people (I hope). I just want to note that it has not been clear up to this point, so somewhere back in the start this might be made a bit more clear (or I’m just dense, that’s certainly quite likely too).

At this point I’m thinking that your counterfeit black market nickel made of silver is a complete forgery or is actually made of magic. Why? Because first the magical item very clearly landed in the sand, yet it made a metallic clunk when it landed. Second, it was in your fist when your hand was hit with not-a-stick, but somehow that was enough to actually not just bend the item, but TEAR AN ENTIRE PIECE OFF OF IT. Once again, this may be a regional thing: where I live, nickels are not actually made of silver. They are also damn near indestructible. The only way you’re getting a piece torn off it with bolt cutters or some sort of acetylene torch. Admittedly, if your magical nickel is made of silver that would make it a slight bit weaker, but have you ever tried to tear a corner off a tiny round metal item? Good luck with that. But the best part is that it was actually in your hand and got torn by either the not-a-stick, or by landing in the vicious, dangerous sand. Maybe that’s it: the SAND is what tore your silver nickel into two pieces. I sure hope you didn’t accidentally step in that sand or you’re going to be missing your entire foot and maybe part of your leg.

Whew, made it to the end. That was kind of a tough read. Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of stories that wander about and don’t make the point. In other words, it started about a (magical) silver nickel and never really talked about it. Sure, I get that’s the point, but I don’t get it. This story actually reminds me a lot of that movie Napoleon Dynamite: you kept watching and watching and waiting for something to happen, but nothing actually does. There seemed to be a lot of words, but nothing actually happened. Of course, if that’s the point of your story, great job! So anyway, that’s what I was thinking as I read this. Hopefully you’re not insulted or annoyed, and hopefully some of my comments help you understand how one reader viewed this story while reading it.

>you kept watching and watching and waiting for something to happen, but nothing actually does. There seemed to be a lot of words, but nothing actually happened. Of course, if that’s the point of your story, great job!

It was, and it worked on you I think more than anyone else so far, great job!

He originally held the main channel of the Discord hostage for an hour and a half while he wrote all this out. No one could interrupt or have any other conversions, that would've been rude. Sent and I suspected what it was and asked point blank if it was going to end in a pun or something but he claimed it was a true story that made him cry irl he was pouring his heart out about and well it was Zag, of course he couldn't be just trolling us!

And then the dinosaur song meme happened and I threw him into furry hell amid the howls of outrage. (He's out now but should have a real story up soon as penance.)

Well I never suspected it was actually real, it never actually felt that way. But he did ask for a review, so he gets a review! :)

Have a sympathy commendation for your pains, not that you freakin need anymore.

Yay!

Thanks!

Funny thing is I thought it was boring story when I stumbled on you guys in the middle of it and didn't stay for the ending.

Interesting story. thanks for that!