Meant to post this back during the height of the PoundMeToo Movement due to all the sexual harassment shit but might as well post it now since I found it while going through old notes.
And as usual, this is more of an overview of the movie rather than a proper review so I’m spoiling the shit out of it.
Ted & Venus is about this crazy poet obsessed with a social worker. The movie could be best described as a dark comedy, but it’s sort of all over the place with what genre its going for at times. Sometimes its bordering on a straight drama.
There are a shitload of character actors and comedians playing roles in the movie, some of which are basically only showing up for one scene so it’s like the guy who made the movie was calling in favors from everyone famous he knew to play in it, or maybe they just wanted to be in it, who knows.
Anyway, it starts with a “romantic comedy” vibe where the quirky and frumpy poet meets this pretty girl and while he’s of course really into her, she also likes his poetry and thinks he’s charming in a weird sort of way. She’s of course also just being nice and she has a muscle head boyfriend anyway.
So Ted goes on about her to his friend who is almost like “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski. Just sort of lounges about doing nothing and somehow getting by. Ted’s friend is only half paying attention to him and gives him some half assed advice. In any case Ted goes to try to talk to Linda (who he sees as “Venus”) and how he feels about her.
Linda, still being the nice girl she is turns him down pretty gently and he meekly wanders off feeling bad about it. Then suddenly Ted’s friend tells him that he shouldn’t give up so easily and he needs to really try to win her over.
So naturally this reinforces Ted’s obsession for her (They even had a cartoon sequence of his imagination going to get her from a castle) and he tries to win her over.
This of course means he starts making dirty phone calls to her saying he wants to run his “tongue down her tuna” (You know, as you do) and the romcom vibe is definitely over.
Linda is horrified that she’s being stalked and harassed like this, so she eventually gets her asshole boyfriend to do something about it. Her boyfriend pushes Ted around a bit, but this doesn’t deter him. In fact Linda’s boyfriend is such an asshole, he figures that Linda must be cheating on him with this guy and leaves her!
Meanwhile Ted’s still trying to figure out how to win over Linda and his buddy who gave him the advice to pursue her in the first place tells him to forget about Linda since she’s not interested. He then also tries to set Ted up with another girl, but he’s not interested in her.
Some more shit happens and Linda is now taking self defense classes and getting advice on how to stop this psycho stalker. Ted ends up getting arrested and he has to go to trial for his stalking.
The proceeding end up exposing that Ted once was a teacher and had a relationship with some 14 year old girls. He tries to defend himself by saying they “connected” on some spiritual level or some dumb shit. It REALLY looks bad for Ted, but somehow his lawyer is good enough and the judge is stupid enough to believe that Ted isn’t really a threat to anyone and he’s about to let him off with a slap on the wrist.
That is until Linda walks into the courtroom and Ted loses his fucking shit, screaming at how much he loves her and how they’re destined for each other.
That gets him thrown into the insane asylum and it doesn’t end there.
So he’s milling about with all the other loonies and since the place is fairly low security, he just decides to escape by running off to go find Linda. Before he does, he bumps into his friend who REALLY urges him not to go bother her again, but he doesn’t listen.
Linda soon finds out that Ted has escaped and fortunately before he can even get to her, the cops pick him up and this time he’s going to prison.
Ted talks to his friend while in prison saying how he can’t be in there and he begs his friend to go talk to Linda to drop the charges. His friend talks to her, but of course Linda tells him to fuck off.
So Ted spends time in prison and at one point three other cons come into his cell to rape him. One tries to mouth rape him, but he bites his dick so they just do the traditional ass rape instead.
Eventually Ted gets out of prison and he’s looking even worse than he did before. (He already looked like a bum) He tries to even contact his friend, but his friend is busy getting a blowjob and hangs up on him fairly quickly. (You know, as you would.)
So Ted’s just wandering around and by pure chance he sees Linda. Poor old batshit insane Ted goes running at her screaming about love and destiny.
And Linda at this point due to all the shit she’s gone through has taken to carrying a handgun on her person, whips it out and shoots him.
He ends up falling on her and dies in her arms asking why and surprisingly she starts crying over him as well claiming that “it was a different time” or something like that. It’s really fucking weird.
So yeah that’s how it ends.
Like I said, it's a pretty odd movie. I don't even think it got a DVD or if it did, it was very limited. I only saw it purely by random chance during the 90s on cable.
