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Eternal Fan Content

6 months ago

Not sure if other people on this site know the internet thing where you assign onion headlines to fictional characters, but I made a bunch for Rogues and Eternal while I was bored, so with any luck other people will find these funny too.  Enjoy.

 

Rogues:

Zal & Aron:  Work friend accidentally becomes real friend

Aron & Erin:  Best friends each secretly think of the other as sidekick

Aron, hero of holgard arc:  Man knows to stay away from certain parts of own psyche at night

Innkeeper:  Area man knows exactly which relatives would be a problem if he ever came into money

Tom:  I’m so blessed to be surrounded by people I can extort money from

Vera:  Friend attempting to provide comfort has no clue what the f*ck she’s talking about

Aron:  Area man’s life comes to tragic middle

Aron & Tanya:  Relationship definately hurtling towards something

Aron:  Area man going to go ahead and consider that a date

Aron & Tanya:  Man, woman, experiencing two very different sexual tensions

Virgil:  Alcoholic’s plan for turning life around doesn’t involve getting sober

Mr. Reynolds:  My advice to anyone starting a business is to remember that someday I will crush you

Tanya looking at Aron, covered in blood in a summoning circle:  Ex-boyfriend just thought he’d check in and throw entire day off

Temple of Knowledge:  Psychic helps police waste valuable time

Aron with Yvette:  Man has carefully calculated timeline for revealing negative personality traits to new girlfriend

Priest of Yag:  God has kind of a loose outline for us all

Aron:  Local man thinking about becoming an asshole

Aron, hero of holgard arc:  What I do in the bedroom stays between me and my night terror hallucinations

Tanya:  How to stop trying to be the girl he wants you to be and become his waking nightmare

Garrick:  Oh, so I’m distant and emotionally abusive for several years, and all of a sudden I’m not good enough for you anymore?

Yvette:  Date’s flaws coming at woman faster than she can rationalize them

Heather:  “It’s real easy”, declares IT guy about to speak incoherently for next 30 seconds

 

Eternal:

Alison & Francis:  Work friend accidentally becomes real friend

Cyrus:  I’m pretty sure I’m carrying out god’s will

Francis, Survivor arc:  Man reaches first of dozen breaking points to come

Francis, Survivor arc:  Man who thought he’d lost all hope loses last additional bit of hope he didn’t even know he still had

Nicodemus, Harbinger arc:  This sh*t again

Casimir, returning to Mortos:  Prodigal asshole returns

General Ackerson:  I’m not one of those insecure generals who needs to win a lot of battles

Semra:  Relationship not a power struggle, woman who’s winning reports

The Eyes:  We’re on to you:  We don’t know what your angle is yet, but rest assured, we’re going to find out

Francis, Survivor arc:  Man realizes he’s beginning to stand for something

Francis, Harbinger arc:  It’s not an easy thing to admit when you’re wrong, and that’s why I won’t do it

The eternals:  Group of good-looking people all headed toward same place

Francis:  Local asshole attains world-class status

Francis, opening a portal to the realm of the dead:  Area man just ruined it for everyone

Francis, about gnome soul banishment:  I’m not sure why I should suffer for something I did 10 years ago and would do again in a heartbeat

Alison:  I can’t believe I’m dying in such a cliched manner

Lena:  If someone tried to burn my village I’d be like, ‘f*ck you’

Dendrin:  Zing!  I just got you with another one of my trademark “complete lies”

Francis, Harbinger arc:  If only I’d listened to virtually anyone

Brenda:  Woman honestly thought breakdown would be more obvious to people

The Eternal & Gruz fighting, beg path:  Why can’t this family ever have a funky good time?

Casimir & Francis:  Dad’s been on a parenting kick lately

Casimir:  Until I had kids, I never thought I could love something almost as much as myself

Talia Cyrus & Francis:  Teen goes through anti-government guerilla phase

Francis & Decena:  Relationship definately hurtling towards something

Casimir:  Father’s dying wish a real hassle

Jacob:  Man suddenly regretting asking to be taken seriously by peers

Semra:  You call that groveling?

Lena:  I may not be the prettiest girl in the room, but what I do have is a gun

Brother Gray:  Sunday school teacher can already tell which ones going to hell

Fish Jennifer:  My bloodline would mix well with that of an advanced reptilian race

Eternal program:  Genetic experiment goes horribly right

The Shadows:  His holiness has repeatedly stated this is not a cult

Master Ebon:  Pope admits:  ‘God ain’t said sh*t to me’

Francis taking down sea monster:  Injury that will cause excruciating pain for rest of life thankfully not season-ending

Francis:  Constantly worry what other people think about your war crimes is no way to live your life

Francis & Semra:  Man, woman, experiencing two very different sexual tensions

Casimir:  Genocide is such a harsh word

Francis, Gruz, Gerald, & Roldan, beg arc:  Report:  38% of road trips end with burying friend in shallow grave in desert

Galen:  Psychic helps police waste valuable time

The empire:  It’s still not to late to greet us as liberators

Mol family:  Archaeologist tired of unearthing unspeakable, ancient evils

Francis, relic arc:  Man always gets emotional on anniversary of father’s death he orchestrated

Semra, 500 years in the future:  Oh yes… I am still very much alive!

Dendrin:  God has kind of a loose outline for us all

Semra:  Villain contends she, hero,’Very much alike’

Francis torturing Eldolith:  Study finds expressing anger in unhealthy ways actually incredibly satisfying

The empire:  We must all do our part to preserve this climate of fear

Jacob:  Employee wishes he had enough job security to voice opinion

Azreal:  I don’t define myself by my ability to travel between dimensions

The Eyes:  Know any good state secrets?

Francis & Semra:  Couple tired of always having same knife fight

Dendrin:  Boy, I’ve really put you in a tough spot, haven’t I?

Francis:  Vetran kind of surprised killing all those people didn’t give him even a little PTSD

Francis:  Why I stopped overthinking and started overreacting

Brenda:  What surprised me most about becoming a parent was that I was forced to by the government

Francis:  It’s terrifying to think that in 1000 years, all of us will be forgotten except for me

Francis:  Wow!  This man is super wrong but also very loud so who knows

Jacob:  How to stay calm even though everyone missed what you just said and it was really good

Dendrin:  How to live your truth but still lie for fun

Decena:  Gentle ways to let him know you’re dating each other

Eternal Fan Content

6 months ago

Well I like it.