Not sure if other people on this site know the internet thing where you assign onion headlines to fictional characters, but I made a bunch for Rogues and Eternal while I was bored, so with any luck other people will find these funny too. Enjoy.
Rogues:
Zal & Aron: Work friend accidentally becomes real friend
Aron & Erin: Best friends each secretly think of the other as sidekick
Aron, hero of holgard arc: Man knows to stay away from certain parts of own psyche at night
Innkeeper: Area man knows exactly which relatives would be a problem if he ever came into money
Tom: I’m so blessed to be surrounded by people I can extort money from
Vera: Friend attempting to provide comfort has no clue what the f*ck she’s talking about
Aron: Area man’s life comes to tragic middle
Aron & Tanya: Relationship definately hurtling towards something
Aron: Area man going to go ahead and consider that a date
Aron & Tanya: Man, woman, experiencing two very different sexual tensions
Virgil: Alcoholic’s plan for turning life around doesn’t involve getting sober
Mr. Reynolds: My advice to anyone starting a business is to remember that someday I will crush you
Tanya looking at Aron, covered in blood in a summoning circle: Ex-boyfriend just thought he’d check in and throw entire day off
Temple of Knowledge: Psychic helps police waste valuable time
Aron with Yvette: Man has carefully calculated timeline for revealing negative personality traits to new girlfriend
Priest of Yag: God has kind of a loose outline for us all
Aron: Local man thinking about becoming an asshole
Aron, hero of holgard arc: What I do in the bedroom stays between me and my night terror hallucinations
Tanya: How to stop trying to be the girl he wants you to be and become his waking nightmare
Garrick: Oh, so I’m distant and emotionally abusive for several years, and all of a sudden I’m not good enough for you anymore?
Yvette: Date’s flaws coming at woman faster than she can rationalize them
Heather: “It’s real easy”, declares IT guy about to speak incoherently for next 30 seconds
Eternal:
Alison & Francis: Work friend accidentally becomes real friend
Cyrus: I’m pretty sure I’m carrying out god’s will
Francis, Survivor arc: Man reaches first of dozen breaking points to come
Francis, Survivor arc: Man who thought he’d lost all hope loses last additional bit of hope he didn’t even know he still had
Nicodemus, Harbinger arc: This sh*t again
Casimir, returning to Mortos: Prodigal asshole returns
General Ackerson: I’m not one of those insecure generals who needs to win a lot of battles
Semra: Relationship not a power struggle, woman who’s winning reports
The Eyes: We’re on to you: We don’t know what your angle is yet, but rest assured, we’re going to find out
Francis, Survivor arc: Man realizes he’s beginning to stand for something
Francis, Harbinger arc: It’s not an easy thing to admit when you’re wrong, and that’s why I won’t do it
The eternals: Group of good-looking people all headed toward same place
Francis: Local asshole attains world-class status
Francis, opening a portal to the realm of the dead: Area man just ruined it for everyone
Francis, about gnome soul banishment: I’m not sure why I should suffer for something I did 10 years ago and would do again in a heartbeat
Alison: I can’t believe I’m dying in such a cliched manner
Lena: If someone tried to burn my village I’d be like, ‘f*ck you’
Dendrin: Zing! I just got you with another one of my trademark “complete lies”
Francis, Harbinger arc: If only I’d listened to virtually anyone
Brenda: Woman honestly thought breakdown would be more obvious to people
The Eternal & Gruz fighting, beg path: Why can’t this family ever have a funky good time?
Casimir & Francis: Dad’s been on a parenting kick lately
Casimir: Until I had kids, I never thought I could love something almost as much as myself
Talia Cyrus & Francis: Teen goes through anti-government guerilla phase
Francis & Decena: Relationship definately hurtling towards something
Casimir: Father’s dying wish a real hassle
Jacob: Man suddenly regretting asking to be taken seriously by peers
Semra: You call that groveling?
Lena: I may not be the prettiest girl in the room, but what I do have is a gun
Brother Gray: Sunday school teacher can already tell which ones going to hell
Fish Jennifer: My bloodline would mix well with that of an advanced reptilian race
Eternal program: Genetic experiment goes horribly right
The Shadows: His holiness has repeatedly stated this is not a cult
Master Ebon: Pope admits: ‘God ain’t said sh*t to me’
Francis taking down sea monster: Injury that will cause excruciating pain for rest of life thankfully not season-ending
Francis: Constantly worry what other people think about your war crimes is no way to live your life
Francis & Semra: Man, woman, experiencing two very different sexual tensions
Casimir: Genocide is such a harsh word
Francis, Gruz, Gerald, & Roldan, beg arc: Report: 38% of road trips end with burying friend in shallow grave in desert
Galen: Psychic helps police waste valuable time
The empire: It’s still not to late to greet us as liberators
Mol family: Archaeologist tired of unearthing unspeakable, ancient evils
Francis, relic arc: Man always gets emotional on anniversary of father’s death he orchestrated
Semra, 500 years in the future: Oh yes… I am still very much alive!
Dendrin: God has kind of a loose outline for us all
Semra: Villain contends she, hero,’Very much alike’
Francis torturing Eldolith: Study finds expressing anger in unhealthy ways actually incredibly satisfying
The empire: We must all do our part to preserve this climate of fear
Jacob: Employee wishes he had enough job security to voice opinion
Azreal: I don’t define myself by my ability to travel between dimensions
The Eyes: Know any good state secrets?
Francis & Semra: Couple tired of always having same knife fight
Dendrin: Boy, I’ve really put you in a tough spot, haven’t I?
Francis: Vetran kind of surprised killing all those people didn’t give him even a little PTSD
Francis: Why I stopped overthinking and started overreacting
Brenda: What surprised me most about becoming a parent was that I was forced to by the government
Francis: It’s terrifying to think that in 1000 years, all of us will be forgotten except for me
Francis: Wow! This man is super wrong but also very loud so who knows
Jacob: How to stay calm even though everyone missed what you just said and it was really good
Dendrin: How to live your truth but still lie for fun
Decena: Gentle ways to let him know you’re dating each other
