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I'm going through and revising all of Name Not Found after Liminal helped with the proofreading, and I just finished with the intro. I'm looking for feedback on it, especially on how well it serves as a hook.

After cursing your bad luck to the heavens and bandaging up your torn knee, you go back to kick at whatever unfortunate object had stood in your way. Instead of a satisfying thump, as you had expected, your toes flare up in pain after hitting what sounded like metal. More yelling commences, and you hop around, clutching your poor foot. After throwing a few rocks at it, you start digging the object up. A few minutes later, it reveals itself as a smooth, polished metal box. Bringing it home and opening it up, you find what you would imagine a redneck VR headset and a bootleg haptic feedback suit would make if they had a baby. A small, innocuous USB stick pokes out from a port in the side of the headset, surrounded by numerous wires that snake in and out. 

Flipping a switch next to the USB stick, it starts glowing a bright sky blue, and the wires seem to pulse in your vision. Putting on the headset, darkness fills your vision. Waiting for the logo of the manufacturer to appear, you hear a faint whirring sound, and the weight shifts on your head. A sudden pain in the back of your neck makes you double over, and your spine screams out in agony. The darkness that was only in your vision consumes your mind, and you black out.

"You find what you would imagine a redneck VR headset and a bootleg haptic feedback suit would make if they had a baby." I love this lol. Describing stuff always feels like a chore for me. It's really interesting to see an author do it in a way where the description itself is entertaining. Though, now you have me wondering what a redneck VR helmet looks like.

Update to the Storygame description:

"After bringing a metal box home and opening it up, you find a strange VR headset and a haptic feedback suit. When putting it on, you find yourself waking up in a strange house with untold mysteries and strange creatures lurking outside. What happened here? Why is the place abandoned? And how did you get here?"

 

Update to looking around the room for the first time:

"You push back the chair and slowly stand up. Your head protests the sudden change in perspective and starts an escape attempt from your skull, while colors fill your vision. Stumbling over to a wall to stabilize yourself, something crinkles under your arm. After you regain your sight, you identify it as an old, faded poster for a band that lost its popularity decades ago. All around you, the wallpaper is peeling, and cobwebs fill the corners. Torn and moth-eaten curtains cover up a section of the wall, with a window peeking through the holes. An old door, the hinges rusted and the knob corroded, is on the opposite side of the poster, and a sliding door on the wall to the right is rotted and falling apart."

 

I also have a bunch more pages updated. Message me if you want to read some of them.