I As a Character

I am going to go out on a limb here and Guess that English is not your first language. Maybe Japanese?

There were a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes that usually arise from a non-native English speaker rather than just a young or careless writer and some of the phrases and actions is why I guess Japanese.

But anyway, sadly as mentioned above, there are many spelling and grammar errors that make the story hard to read at times.

The idea behind the story was fun and the attempted descriptions were enjoyable.

Only comment so far? =\ Hmm. Maybe we can figure out why?

>>She will guide you guys to enjoy as the Alchemist in her world

I ... tend to mind if I'm confused about a story, but doubly so if I'm confused about a summary. Try to be very clear when you write the descriptions for your game and trying to be enthusiastic and colorful with your wording never hurts. The story itself is littered with errors and some awkwardness, but I'll just touch on a few points:

>>Such a pleasant sunshine.

... Not something I'd open on. Remove the 'a' and you're left with a better, but arguably not very interesting first line.

>>the enormous castle covering with green lonely vines.

The castle is covering? For who? >_> And why are the vines so lonely if they have each other?

>>Just before my leg crossed over gigantic gates

My character is crossing her legs while levitating over a gigantic gate? Or did she climb up on top of the gate and then cross them? Or does she have really long legs and she randomly decided to take a seat on top of a gate, and she suddenly remembered that guys might be able to look up her skirt?

>>Hands approaching me

... Help, I'm being attacked by Thing from the Addam's family and several of its buddies!

>>They drew their swords

I'm just wondering where disembodied hands would keep a sheath, let alone a sword to keep in it ... and how do they draw them without arms anyway?

>>Well, similar to that big swords or I can say ‘a daily sword’.

Um... I have literally no idea what this means. A "big" "sword" that she experiences daily, perhaps? :P

>>I bent myself down to apologize the customers and my boss

Bow chika wow--dammit. xD Just ... just say "bowed in apology" or something.

>>Then, I resumed my duty as a dreamy cashier

Nothing wrong with your self-esteem, is there?

>> I sighed when I saw a shadow of my head partially covered the desk.

... What? I'm sorry, why should I care about my head casting a shadow and how does this add anything to the story?

>>As before, the record had never been my concern,

I ... I didn't assume it -was- a concern.

>>If only I could find the old laboratory in this hall, it would be more interesting to me.

If I knew why there was an old laboratory hidden in a hallway inside a store where my character daydreams her life away, this story would be more interesting to me.

>>Alina(The Star-- my short story)

If this is your own work, as the author, then this is shameless. If the main character is a writer, don't just mention it in passing as if you're talking about the weather! xD Your character's passions are important. They're supposed to be, you know, passionate about them.

>>There was a white letter with 'Ms. Dora Dream' on it. That's my name.

Oh. Oh, god. My condolences. =(

>>He might suggest me to have more rest

Suggest you to who? >_>' And how are you going to help someone get more rest?

>>He might suggest me to have more rest and continued my work with higher salary
>>Just read it and found new job.

Serious question now: Is English not your first language?

>>That was easy. It's normal for people to change job very often because they had not found the right one that suited them well.

XD ... Tell my 'out of work for six months' partner that. But, seriously don't. X_x You'd lose a few teeth.

>>"Oh yes, our library offers an unlimited time for our librarian to spend their time reading and seeking every shelve that is in this library. Also, our librarian does not have to work full time. You only need to work when there are visitors borrowing books and returning them back."

-_-' What? No. Just no. In order to be a librarian, you have to go to COLLEGE for four YEARS, and they do a lot more than just organize books. A seventeen-year-old would never get hired on the spot to read books all day in between customers!

xD Volunteers do not have to go through the same training, but you're talking about a paid position as a librarian. This is not how the world works.

>>We are very lucky to find such a new childish librarian.

... I know you mean this as something positive, but this is an insult.

>> "I'm Dream. Who are you?"

Who introduces themselves only by their last name? o.0

... Sorry, I can't read much more of this, it's honestly a little painful. I can see you put a lot of effort into this story and I get the sense that there's something good lurking around in here, but you are in desperate need of an error clean-up and just general polishing on this story.

So this is what the kids mean when they say 'Isekai'

I liked it. The grammar and spelling made the story hard to follow at times but didn’t really take away from my experience it just threw off the Immersion into the story quite a bit.

I liked the story concept. It reminded me of one I’ve read before where you take on the lives of people whose stories you read in books. I would have liked it more had you used multiple books rather than just the alchemist and the brief allusion to the wizard of oz I think.

I feel that had there been a clearer immersion of the story not thrown off by the grammar and a more widely explored plot this would have been higher rated, but I still liked it.

You could tell there was an effort made but unfortunately that's about the best thing I can say about this story.

There's a lot of text and not a lot of choosing; I liked the descriptions, but this was really just a story someone told, there aren't really any choices.

I'm not altogether sure what the story's about. Very jumpy, horrible grammar. The story needs to be completely reworked. If there was a way to give a negative score, I would. Sorry. :(

It's ok

[Kiel's review TL;DR]

meh. needs work