Player Comments on Revenge on the River Lord

Review 1 - Revenge of the River God

General impressions
In general I find the themes of the story to be very clear and I do like that you showed the many ways women in this universe have little power and agency. Often the protagonist has to make a choice between Charybdis or Scylla. Several choices like marrying the crazy man or keeping quiet about the affair of her cousin's wife were done out of survival for example. I like that aspect of the story. Overall, all the tiny plotlines were a bit weak; mainly because the story was very ambitious; having lots of endings and routes one could take; especially in the running away route. This however came at the cost of each of the route's depth. Everyone except the main character was very flat and the fact that the main character didn't even interact with her parents and her family back in the village during the story made the choice to run away very easy, even though the protagonist struggled a lot with her choice in the beginning. I felt that the story would be even better if you gave me more characterization of her parents and the village girls for example to make us readers understand why the protagonist cares so much about these women and getting revenge for them.

I like the more eastern asian setting and the general plotline of a village having human sacrifices. It is also an interesting choice that the surrounding villages consider these practices backwards; there were lots of interesting tidbits of worldbuilding shown! I did secretly hope that there was also subtle differences in technology between the protagonist' backwards home town vs the much more developed bigger towns she visits, but alas.

Still, I do have to commend the author for keeping me engaged. On its own the routes were weak, but they do build on top of each other in regards to the story's central theme. I think that this aspect might be its core strength. Its a fun story and the writing is clear and concise enough to be a pleasant read. I compare this story to be a ham and cheese sandwich. Nothing special, but it is very filling and familair.

Small notes and other nitpicks about the jumping in the river plotline
- I lowkey expected the river god to be actually real. I was pretty disappointed that it was a mere superstition, but in hindsight it did fit with the general theme.
- I laughed a bit at the monkeys and that the 'correct option' was to rule over the monkeys. Just like the baker route, it felt very very disjointed from the other more realistic plotlines.
- It probably wasn't supposed to be funny, but imagining a tiny girl felling the village leader and proclaiming to be the river god is mildly amusing.

Small Notes and other nitpicks about the running away plotline
- I do find it funny that the protagonist was able to run in her big red wedding dress just fine. I would have expected her to trip during her sprint. It was also rather humorous that she only brought it up when she chose to hide in the outhouse.
- "For once, you didn't have to act strong or composed or 'like a good lady'. It is a good line. However, I think that this element could be shown way earlier at the first page for maximum effect. I think that you came several times very close with showing the first conflict the protagonist faces. Cave into tradition and family pressure; be the good lady VS be selfish for once and act on her own desires.
- Both sub routes were a little weak. The first sub route where you chose to not interact with the depressed crazy dude felt a bit meandering with little plot or memorable characters to interact with the protagonist. It felt a lot like filler. The other sub route with the crazy man was a little bit more interesting since it did have a conflict and had themes loosely related with the main conflict in the first page. "Marry vs run away." I just don't think that the build up for that route was strong enough to be a good read. I kind of expected way more hints about his dead wife and his craziness than the protagonist mentioning him being very sad.
- I generally like the cousin route. Although the characters were also a bit flat, I think the conflicts were interesting enough for me to keep reading. The stakes were also a lot clearer and a bit more relatable. Do you do the right thing or do you keep quiet because that job is your only livelihood? I think it is also a nice decision to make it also about difficulties surrounding a marriage.
- With the "Talk to civilised men" choice, I did find the solution to bringing an end to the tradition a bit weak or at least too rushed. These people seemed to be a very superstitious folk, so I am hard pressed that they can be convinced by a group of merchants to mess around with the river and the river God.
- Overall, I do find the revenge plot lines a bit weak. Lots of it felt a bit too summarized and rushed.
- The baker is such a sweet guy. It was so strange to read such a wholesome story in the midst of all the other depressing routes. Sadly it felt a bit disconnected from the other routes that are much more related to marriages.

I’ll begin with a disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer nor a seasoned reviewer (yet). To future readers of this story, I will mention spoilers so do yourselves a favor and read it before this review.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Right away, the description establishes an interesting premise. It introduces the conflict, briefly describes the protagonist and sets the scene well. (Minor grammatical error: you ‘were’, not was).

The story starts by immediately placing the protagonist in peril. Given the reader already understands what’s happening from the description, this quicker pace in the first page works well. Using thoughts that flashed in the character’s mind was a really good way of incorporating worldbuilding and providing context without making it an infodump. It also served to develop both plot and character in the same sentences. It is well-paced—starting with action, slowing slightly to explain the situation, then plunging back into the face of danger.

I noticed another comment mentioning that the ancient China setting wasn’t too prevalent. Yet, I enjoyed the subtle way it was interwoven into the story, such as the references to boy child favoritism and the way women were expected to marry young. Red is also a color that symbolizes luck in the culture and later in the narrative; there was a path where the village fled because they viewed the place as ‘unlucky’—this ties in with the ancient Chinese’s fascination with luck and fortune.

The backstory conveyed why the protagonist was forced into this situation, with no one on her side, where she was stuck between two bad choices. It showed the problem with their society too, which was really the root cause behind the main life-or-death problem she was in. Maybe to take it one step further, it might be good to tie this into character development: how does this affect the protagonist’s thoughts and future actions? At times, it often felt like an impassive recollection of events. You could show how she feels about it—any resentment for the village? Or pity, if she could sympathize with their desperation to prevent the flood? Perhaps just contempt at their stupidity and how people just believed whatever they were told. This could flesh the character out a bit more while adding layers to the theme/ a potential subtheme.

WRITING STYLE

The writing style was easy to read, revealing information to the reader without being overly convoluted or wordy (unlike my reviews). Details of the darker aspects of the world were sometimes mentioned quite casually: “you hadn't had any food this morning since it would be a waste to feed someone who was going to die before lunch”, though it makes sense, as if the protagonist has normalized this sort of treatment.

Let’s get the slight proofreading errors out of the way. There were instances of tense shifts, like “you’re running out of time” on the first page, and on the page to flee to a different town, starting from the part “the first town is Dandelion Village” and all the ensuing paragraphs, the tense shifts from past to present. For conversations, use commas instead of full stops before dialogue tags (I won’t go into too much detail but you could find more about this in one of the helpful articles on dialogue).

I understand it’s probably a matter of personal style preference, but I felt there wasn’t as much grounding in each scene as there could have been. This could be due to the large scope of the story—an impressive number of plot events occurred—yet, in some paragraphs, it seemed like the narrative was merely listing out what happened. Still, I recognise my biases as a reader and know lots of other readers don’t really like excessive descriptions or too much focus on immersion through the senses.

I found the parentheses quite funny. My favorite was the reference to gay and depressed.

PLOT & CHOICES

I was honestly impressed by the branching in this story. It consists of so many different stories and directions, really stretching the limit of what the cave-of-time format can do, and readers will get wildly different experiences depending on the path they play.

For example, I found it refreshing how there was a whole path about escaping and having nothing to do with the River Lord or previous village. Most choices led to unique branches and paths, with very few looping back.

One of the best parts was how the various branches linked to one another. (Spoilers below). At first, I believed it was kind of humorous—albeit unrealistic—how the part about pretending to be a wedding fairy worked out so well. Then in another path, I found out the man was rather insane so it all made sense. Another part which surprised me: the baker said a line where his brother and children were murdered for helping a girl sold to thieves and robbers as a wife—this was the wife of the delusional man on another path! I loved the attention to detail and the connectedness of the often really different paths.

New information is revealed in each path too, hence reading another branch could enhance your experience of the previous one. There was a part where a man explained the history of the River Lord tradition, and even though it only ended with death, this information did provide more lore about the vicious ritual. Some themes were consistent throughout—like misogyny and double standards for men and women—keeping an element of cohesiveness.

A bit of feedback for the author would be to work on ensuring continuity. For example, take this sentence: “You tried to walk calmly towards the outhouse, acting like any villager who needed to use the bathroom in the middle of the street, which was difficult because you were wearing a full red wedding dress.” It makes sense, except for the fact that before this, there was no mention of a red wedding dress. I suppose if it were more of a traditional wedding, one could assume this to some extent. But this wasn’t the case (they didn’t feed those who would soon die, so why would they make them a wedding dress?). There was also another scene which referenced a red blindfold and red shoes. This felt somewhat out-of-the-blue, since although the reader knew about the ceremony, it wasn’t described in much detail; maybe mentioning this earlier would prevent disrupting immersion. It’s just like how in some stories, a character isn’t described so we form our own mental image of them, and suddenly the hair color is mentioned and our mental image is disrupted. While of course the author cannot make us envision the exact same thing as them, describing something first and later referencing that descriptor helps maintain immersion.

Regarding endings, there are lots and lots of them. I like how one of the peaceful endings kept with the consistent theme, showing how the protagonist’s past abusive situation meant she was satisfied with the less-than-ideal life in the village, yet it also shows a sense of dissatisfaction which hints that there is a more fulfilling path. Good technique to get the reader to check out the other paths.

Overall, there are some vastly different narratives, from living a luxurious life but keeping a terrible secret, to being the ruler of monkeys. The theme and tone varies accordingly to these too. It is quite a versatile story, and for readers of this review, I recommend reading a few different branches. There’s so much range and lots of unexpected events.

CHARACTER

The protagonist is rather resilient. Despite everything she had to endure, she fights for her life. This was portrayed early on, as she struggles for survival. In part, this is due to her harsh upbringing, like how she remembers keeping her hiding spot as a secret even after being beaten nearly to death. This ties in with the constant theme of the parents being abusive to their daughter, through controlling and exploiting her. Throughout the narrative, we see how this is brought up in memories and influences her thought process.

Now, we come to something I’m not very sure how I feel about. On one hand, the characterization wasn’t as consistent or distinct as it could have been to create a stronger emotional impact. Yet on the other hand, having her personality or internal conflict being too set-in-stone would have prevented the story’s plot from branching as much as it did—which is one of the features which makes it shine.

First, let’s talk about the positives. Readers can sympathize with the protagonist, especially after the page where her whole backstory is revealed if one chooses to kick the bag. It shows more about the protagonist and the toxic culture in her village. Moreover, the protagonist’s goals and motivations are characterized well and blend in nicely with the plot. Throughout most of the narrative, her conflict is external: she fights for her survival. As such, not too much introspection is needed, and she focuses on the situations she’s in, drawing on past experiences and her observations of the world around her. This is done well.

Furthermore, I really like how this shifts when she’s no longer in survival mode. For these paths, she has more of an emotional conflict: this could be driven by her loyalty to her cousin despite the potential fallout an action could bring, or whether to carry out revenge when it means giving up the comforts of her new life. One of the parts which made me smile was the except where she was finally living for herself after all the dire situations. Yay for character development! This story presented a realistic depiction of how a character’s ambitions change depending on what aspect of their life is threatened.

Now, some potential improvements. A big part of the wanderer path was about wanting revenge. As much as this is understandable given her situation, since this was one of the first few paths I read and didn’t rely on knowledge in the other branches, I felt this wasn’t built up as well as it could have been. Maybe it was because she had been preoccupied with surviving, but a few brief lines about how she wanted to survive so she could exact revenge in the future might have foreshadowed this a bit more, especially since it seemed like she wanted survival above anything. Hence, I was surprised by the sudden switch to wanting revenge instead. Then again, having too many character traits/ strong personality or internal conflict would probably prevent the story from having all the different paths due to contradicting characterisation. After all, if the protagonist had a burning desire for revenge, a lot of the other situations would not have occurred as revenge would have been her sole mission, her focus. Whereas having that take more of a backseat role meant being able to explore all the other paths this setting presented.

Similarly, the part about getting justice through the merchants building walls around the river was a creative solution, though I felt the protagonist didn’t have much of an emotional reaction. This was something the protagonist had strong thoughts about. A tradition which nearly killed her, which started off this whole story. And yet, the actual scene felt somewhat…anticlimactic. Maybe it could be improved by having her watch from afar with a sense of pride at this hostile tradition being eradicated, but then, as she sees her reflection in the river, she is struck by a faint memory of what could have been. And she realizes she never truly got the revenge she desired, for all the pain and suffering they made her endure, though as her reflection fades away, she realizes she did put an end to the tradition. No one else will be sacrificed ever again. That’s more or less the same thing in terms of plot, but with a bit more of an emotional impact.

In the same vein, the barbarians ending involved so many people getting killed, though there wasn’t really much strong emotion attached as one would expect. Was there any sort of sadness, considering these were people the protagonist grew up with? Or how about anger, and resentment, and hatred, all fueling her actions and reminding her of how they were so willing to kill her in the first place.

One of the most emotional ones was the guilt ending, probably because of the close relationship with the baker established. The character dynamics was presented well, with him even asking her to be his niece, and it made that path have more of an emotional stake.

TL;DR

Read this storygame. And if you do, I suggest checking out a few different paths: it’s satisfying to see how they connect to one another and there are some very different ways your story may play out.

Great

It good really good

Decent quality, writing-wise. Interesting premise. I'd just caution the author to avoid too much background detail on the "you" character. Second person present tense fiction is by its nature quick-paced. Only information that is directly applicable to story advance should be shared. If knowing these things don't impact the story, then it's just added noise. Regardless, I thought this was a fine piece, and a good addition to the site.

I enjoyed exploring the story through all the different endings. I agree that the writing was very clean and easy to read. As a character, there was a good amount of room for the player to decide how they felt and acted, which worked well with the variety of choices. I think the setting added a lot of personality as well. My favorite ending was the monkeys.

There is no River Lord...the title is a lie! 0/10 shit story!

I'll start with the beginning...that being what the title made me think of...

For some reason I imagined some reaper like figure that went by the name of "The River Lord" kind of acting like some sort of guardian looking to get something from those who wished to pass over. Seeing "Revenge" proably put this idea in my head. Needless to say...the story is nothing like that...but what I got instead was still very good!

I'm not sure where to start...let's start with something basic...

The prose is good. To my surprise I wasn't really bothered by so many sentences starting off saying "You did this" or "You saw this". Most likely because it actually led to things...or possibly because its not an actual problem and I've just been conditioned to think its a problem.

In any case I like the way you use character perspective. I've wondered for the longest time how to best incorporate dialog into your story...and you might have given me a good possible solution...that being don't! Not having your main character (I just realized she's never named too!) speak much helps blend her thoughts with what she's doing or needs to decide more seamlessly...also allows player agency to not be too distracted by potential inner monologues or contrary motivations. I rarely felt the mc was doing or wanting something that didn't align with choices I made previously (aside from wanting revenge in almost every path...though at least that aspect of her character is consistent so its not really a problem).

Normally I wouldn't try to bring up stuff I wrote while reviewing someone else's work...as the focus should be on said work...but it became very evident to me that the process which you used to make this story was like...the exact opposite of the process I used...and it shows!

Your story is very orderly...you don't meander over meaningless details for no reason...or get sidetracked with paths that feel out of place in the whole story...you seemed to have decided the base of what your story was going to be from the start and filled in the details later as you went...and never went overboard with anything. No reliance on gimmicks either.

Your tone is also very refreshing...not overly happy but not needlessly grimdark either. Which I don't in theory have an issue with...but a handful of stories on here seem to needlessly get dark on the last page of its path for shock effect...so it was surprising to see a story actually treat me with a sense of respect for what actions I chose...as even the more brutal endings never really feel like tone shifts or subversions at all!

The tone probably works as well as it does because you start the story in a terrible position...and then after you escape you have no where to go but up. Your not someone following a grand prophecy or trying to achieve some ambitious goal...your just a girl trying to make her way through life and using what she can to do so. This allows the story to go in all sorts of directions without it feeling overly redundant...even if admitedly a lot of the endings feel kinda samey...you either get revenge or you settle in a place or you die...most of the time anyways...

Part of me wants to critique the story for being too basic...but ironically that works to its benefit. You took the prompt you were given and just ran with it. You had a basic idea of what you wanted to convey and just did it...no tricks necessary to get your point across. "So this is how you get a highly rated story on here huh?" I couldn't help but think to myself... "If its this simple then why doesnt everyone do this? Is it cause it takes time? Or effort? Or discipline? All of those things?"

There's a saying that you need to understand the rules of something before you bend them...and despite the fact you didn't bend anything...you clearly have shown to understand the rules quite well!


I can definitely see what your discription means by saying there's no real best ending...but again...that probably works towards the story's benefit. By making most endings on somewhat even ground...you allow the reader to have a relatively satisfying conclusion regardless of what path they take.

What really carries this story is how many relatively unique choices you can make...so many choices that lead to differnet paths/endings! I'm not really sure how you did it...but I feel like I'm able to map your world pretty comfortably in my head...most stories on here don't really do that...there's usually some sense of the story losing itself on one of the paths and I have to make a mental note to ignore certain details that don't matter but the author thought was important for some reason. Very few details are wasted in your story...probably because your not trying to impress the reader but are more focused on making it clear what happens in the first place!

I liked the detail of the lonely guy's wife being kidnapped also being mentioned in another route by the baker. Piecing that together was fairly satisfying...really made the world feel more real...like your just a small part of it rather than everything just being an obstacle to overcome...like I was being led into a thing that actually happened but never fully understood due to being outside the scope of the story!

Also the route where you get sold back to the chief woman was cool...part of me expected more "gotcha!" moments like that...but it was nice there was at least one of those that had a "going back to where it started" motif...though I suppose that's what most of the endings end up doing anyways...the further you travel away from your village...the more you feel called to go back...for better or worse. (I'm not sure how much it benefited that each route had your mc for the most part have a consistent goal in mind...but it surely had an effect nevertheless!)

I joked at the beginning that I would have liked to see The River Lord be an actual thing...like maybe in one of the drown endings you meet him...and then maybe it has to choose between making you or the substitute sacrifice to be its wife. But upon reflection I can see why you didn't do that...it helps keep your overall narrative more focused...by not focusing on fantastical elements it grounds all the events a lot more.

Needless to say I liked the ending where you rule over the village quite a lot...for reasons I'm sure most people will be able to figure out on their own with enough deduction! ;)

Anyways...I'm not sure how much I will try to incorporate your writing style into my own...but it certainly gave me pause to reflect regardless! (Might finish my cringey stories as is and then maybe write something more like this in the future...but I'm just speculating now. The point is that even if I write something kinda cringey...I'm assured now that if I take my time...I can still do my best to write it well within the confines of whatever I'm writing...aka high brow cringe instead of low brow cringe if that makes any sense! :D) You wrote a good story man! Take my 7 (might change it to an 8 upon further reflection) and enjoy the fact you wrote a really really solid story that honestly should be a basic foundation for how to write stories on here...like seriously...I wish this existed back when I first stumbled upon this website so I wouldn't fixate on elements of a story that I thought were necessary but actually aren't!

TL;DR Your minimalistic approach to story telling is superb and proves that you only need to master the basics in order to tell a tale not just worth telling but one that can be thoroughly enjoyed from start to end!

Thanks for the great story! Hope you write more like it! Cheers! ;)

Great plot! The background knowledge and setting were well developed. Definitely going to replay sometime. I loved the hidden themes and especially how you explained the ending in sentence (in italics). Overall, very well written and entertaining.

What’s this? A storygame past 25,000 words that *isn’t* written badly? Congratulations, GeniusPancake, with just your first storygame you’ve already made it into the top 75% of members on the site! Yahoo!

I love the variety of endings you can get in this storygame. There’s many different ways you can either die or get some sort of resolution, and each have a lot of thought given to them. I liked the protagonist struggle and was invested in getting justice for all the victims of the River Lord ritual.

There isn’t a lot of historical flavor to this story. Although there is information in the description, and a few details in a couple of pages, that indicates that the story takes place in ancient China, there isn’t much to make the reader feel like that is the case. The way the story is told, I could have imagined the story taking place in any country or time in antiquity.

I had a good time with this storygame. Good job!

Got the peaceful life ending. I enjoyed this storygame.